So, I’ve got some HGTV home-makeover show on in the background while I’m working. It’s white noise, just keeping me company. And then I hear this:

Home-buying Lady: I’m never going to go out anywhere. I’m just going to stay at home all the time.

Contractor: Well, you won’t be able to leave, you’ll be so fat from all the pastries we put in here.

(Start at minute 39.)

Seriously?

Have you ever watched some old movie or television show and been taken aback by… oh, Judy Garland in black face, for instance (yes, that really is her)?

Something that is so not acceptable today that it seems shocking that it ever was? Something that, when you’re faced with it, just feels very, very wrong. That’s where we need to get with anti-fat antics. To the place where, even if someone wanted to do the size-ism equivalent of black face, it just wouldn’t be accepted outside of satire.

Clearly, we aren’t there yet.

Nearly every time I catch Guy Fieri’s Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives on Food Network, I hear him making some sort of self-depreciating, fat-phobic remark. A few days ago he was in some little hole in the wall somewhere, and the chef made a cheese-based appetizer. Guy took a bite, looked properly orgasmic, and then said something like, “You’re trying to ruin everything for everyone.” The meaning being, of course, that food that tastes good (and has cheese?) is designed to make people fat, which is life-ruining.

I feel like this is similar to how any time almost anyone not connected with the Fat Acceptance movement mentions really good food on my Facebook feed, it’s followed by a disclaimer about either A) guilt or B) a tale of self-denial of said yumminess. Only these shows are on a broad, national-TV scale.

It seems to me that things will start to change, rapidly, as soon as people stop accepting derogatory statements based on weight. Maybe then the average person can stop feeling guilty for being hungry or enjoying cooking or letting chocolate pass their lips. For instance, I couldn’t find anything on Google about Fieri making comments about fat, but he said something a while back about being “weirded out” by gay people and the interwebs are full of negative response to that. We need to foster the same kind of peer pressure toward body acceptance.

I admit to being a major optimist, but I think that we’re getting there. Slowly.

Dear Prudence,

I recently read some advice you gave to a woman who was concerned about her daughter’s friend, who she thinks eats too much. Her letter and your response came in the form of this video segment that sought to “humorously” illustrate the letter’s contents.

Watching the video raised quite a few questions, but I think I can boil it down to a simple one: What the fuck is wrong with you?

I understand that writing an advice column is hard. You get just the teensiest bit of context from the letter writer, who is obviously presenting their own perspective only, and you have to craft an answer that addresses the problem while bearing in mind the inherent limitations of such a brief correspondence.

By necessity, giving advice to strangers through email is more of an art form than a judicial review. The advice giver may have to make certain assumptions in order to respond properly. But you know what they say about making assumptions, right? It makes an “ass” out of “you.”

Just you.

I have transcribed both the original letter and your response, as well as taken screen caps of the animation that your team so helpfully created to illustrate the disturbing nature of the situation. My responses will be in bold green.

Dear Prudence,

Carrot Lady versus the Very Flexible Fat Lady

The other day, I needed to grab lunch on the run for my first grade daughter and her friend. Can you feel the justification set-up?

Guess which one is Carrot Lady’s daughter.

We pulled into a fast food place, where my daughter ordered a kid’s burger and fries. We have achieved maximum justification. I repeat, we have achieved maximum justification.

They caught wind of our new fast food franchise.

Her friend requested the 20-count chicken nugget meal. Bullshit Alert #1: Correct me if I’m wrong, but McDonald’s does not offer a 20-piece nugget “meal.” There’s a 10-piece meal, but I’m pretty sure the 20-piece is sold by itself. Seems odd the letter writer would add this minor detail. 

I’m shocked the 20-piece meal
doesn’t come in a trough.

I said no, so she ordered a kids meal, but wasn’t happy about it. At dinner, she ordered from the children’s menu. You mean, she didn’t order from the “Disgusting Pig Children’s  Menu”?

First McDonald’s, now Chez Glutton?
Who’s really at fault here?

When the waiter brought an enormous plate of food, enough for two adults… Bullshit Alert #2: With three kids, I’ve seen my fair share of kid’s menus, and I can’t think of any instances where there’s been a meal that could feed two adults, unless those adults have recently had weight loss surgery and can only eat a cup of oatmeal for dinner. At this point, I’m starting suspect that the letter was written by somebody who has never eaten at McDonald’s or ordered a kids meal in her life. In other words, a staged advice letter. 

They forgot the kitchen sink.

… the child scarfed it down and then complained that she was still hungry, and wanted another meal. Her parents allow her to eat this way. And since Carrot Lady keeps a meticulous food log of all her child’s friends, she knows best.

Slate got their crack team of junior high
illustrators to nail this artist’s rendition.

I’ve tried gently starting a conversation with her mom, but she shut me down. Perspective is everything. One concern troll’s “gentle” is another’s intrusive nagging. 

Click to watch Carrot Lady get sliced and diced.
Oh, and to see Lardy Mama undulate.

She says that she wants her kids to focus on who they are inside, not what they look like. Bullshit Alert #3: This may be my favorite Straw Fatty of all time. It’s the anti-fatty assumption of what Fat Acceptance (FA) means. This Straw Fatty says that our pwecious fee fees are more important than our health, so gorge away! Except body image and health are two distinct and separate issues. EVERYONE has body image issues, although the self-worth of fatties are constantly under assault [see obnoxious Dear Prudence video for Exhibit A]. But when it comes to health, many of us promote Health at Every Size^®, which teaches that if you want to be healthy, eat healthy foods, get the recommended amount of exercise and improve your body image. You see how the whole body image thing is just one part of HAES? But anti-fatties take this one fragment and make it the central argument of FA and HAES. But even setting aside my own assumption that Lardy Mama is citing FA/HAES philosophies, we’d also have to assume that she gives zero fucks about her daughter’s health, since Carrot Lady tells us that she essentially eats 20-piece McNugget meals all day, every day, which is Unhealthy at Every Size^®.   

Fat positive body image = suckling mama pig’s teat

Her daughter’s chubby now, but quickly eating her way to obesity, just like her parents and siblings. Hey, I remember that song, “I’ll be eating my way to obesity/with a buttered scone inside.”

Wait, is that the Uncle Fatty in the background?

I don’t want to be the food police… Yes you do. You want the hat, the badge and a license to slap french fries from the hands of fatties.

Living the dream.

… but when this child is with me, should I allow her to eat the way she eats at home? Feed bag and everything?

Disgusting Pig Girl will swallow your soul.

Signed,
Carrots and Celery
A truly unpleasant person.

She’s steamed… get it!?!

That’s a whole lot of terrible packed into a teeny, tiny video. You’ve got the bizarre, self-righteous letter, and you’ve got the hate-packed video to drive home the point (just in case the letter wasn’t straight-forward enough) that this little girl is a repulsive, gluttonous swine who must be stopped at any cost.

Now, if I were you and I had to answer this letter, I would respond to Carrot Lady by passing along the wisdom of nutritionist Ellyn Satter, who I interviewed a while back. You can read about Satter’s method in her awesome book, Your Child’s Weight: Helping Without Harming. But to summarize, you can’t (and shouldn’t) try to control a child’s appetite. Every child approaches eating differently, including how much it takes to satisfy their hunger.

So if you’re concerned about your child’s health (or someone else’s) rather than wag your celery fingers at them, just try to provide them with healthy meals and let the child decide how much of it to eat. Don’t treat the fat kid differently than the thin kid, and don’t mistake a big appetite for unhealthy behavior.

Because here’s the thing: when a parent tries to control a child’s appetite, the outcome is virtually guaranteed: that kid will begin sneaking food in an effort to satisfy the hunger that is still there, regardless of whether you force them to stop eating or not. So, you can either teach your kid to eat a healthy, balanced diet, or you can shame them into sneaking food. Those are your only real options, if you’re concerned about health.

So, what do you advise, Prudence? Here’s your response.

Oooooooooh what an asshole am I!

Unfortunately, what’s going to be going on inside this little girl eventually is going to be broken down joints, a failing pancreas and clogged arteries. So Sayeth Dr. Prudence the Prognosticating Pediatrician! How sad that parents who are struggling with their own obesity wouldn’t do everything in their power to prevent their children from experiencing it. Because clearly her parents are “struggling with obesity” based on Carrot Lady’s description. Instead, they seem to feel the more of them, the merrier. Well, fat people are jolly, so more of us does mean more mall Santa’s, amirite? I think it’s totally fine for you to model proper eating and portion size. And to cluck your tongue disapprovingly at Bite Number 30, which is when all good, little kids place their forks gently on the table and say “I have been satiated, mummy.” But please, if you do so, skip the fast food restaurants and invite this girl over for dinner at the dining room table and a home-cooked meal. She prolly ain’t never had one ‘a them there home-cooked meals never, unless’n you count Spamburger Sundays. And given that the parents seem committed to super-sizing her, I think it would be fair for you to contact this girl’s pediatrician. And maybe her teachers, grandparents, and priest as well. In fact, make a list of all your child’s friend’s community leaders so that you can send progress reports on a quarterly basis.  You can send an anonymous letter, and describe the compulsive eating. If you can record videos of the child being a gluttonous sloth, all the better. It might be helpful for an adult with authority to intervene. Call 911 if necessary. They love answering shit like this.

It’s clear from this video that you’ve been waiting for an opportunity to speak your mind on these awful, horrible fatties who are fatting up their kids, and this country, with their disgusting pig children. And you certainly gave Lardy Mama what for.

It’s odd, though; based on a very limited description of the offending family involved, you sure are quick to diagnose “broken down joints.” It seems as though you’re picturing her parents as headless fatties.

Lardy Mama Prototype #8,334,843

Just about 6% of the population is morbidly obese (BMI of 40+), while less than one-half of 1% of the population have a BMI over 50 (aka Biggest Loser size). Could it be that Carrot Lady’s definition of the “obese” family isn’t quite “broken down joints” fat? I mean, we are relying on this second-hand account about this family’s weight and health. Shouldn’t we err on the side of caution?

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

After all, thin people know best what a healthy weight looks like. Just ask Emily Yoffe, who writes the delightful Human Guinea Pig column for Slate, have you heard of her?

You see, Yoffe knows about the scourge of obesity first hand. You see, she is fat. Very fat.

I never got in bathing-suit shape (unless the suit is the Speedo LZR Racer) — the blubber content of my stomach could be used to prove that humans once shared a common ancestor with cetaceans, and I still avoid three-way mirrors

Holy shit, this woman’s fat. And when she spent four months lifting weights for a story on building muscle, she was brave enough to reveal her grotesque proportions.

She started our session with both the dreaded tape measure and by pinching my flab with calipers. “We’re figuring out the measurements of your old body,” she explained. I liked the optimism behind that statement. I was just temporarily stuck in this decaying thing, and soon I would be walking around in my new, better body. My old body was depressingly tubelike: 35 inches, 28 inches, 37½ inches.

Wow, just picturing a woman with those measurements has triggered a surge of bile up my throat. In another post, Yoffe  gave informs us that she is 5’3.5″ and weighs 125 pounds, which gives her a BMI of 21.8, or the low end of the the “normal” weight category, which runs from 18.6 to 25.

Talk about a Tub ‘o Lard! Prudence, I hope you can reach out to your colleague Emily and “model proper eating and portion control” because she’s a fata —

Wait a second… I just noticed something.

Hey, it turns out, Prudence is a pseudonym for Emily Yoffe. Emily Yoffe is both the Flabmonster and the Dear Prudence? How can this be? How can she simultaneously chide herself for being such a lazy, disgusting slob AND lecture other people on how to “model proper eating and portion control”?

Oh, that’s right, body dysmorphia doesn’t stop you from being an asshole, it just makes your advice sound like it’s coming from a House of Mirrors.

“Dear Prudence, I have a friend with a tiny head…”

Health is a complicated issue and it won’t be resolved by some hack advice columnist with an axe to grind against fat people. Resorting to stereotypes and juvenile videos that dehumanize and degrade this little girl and her family won’t help. In fact, if I had one piece of advice for you, Prudence/Emily, it would be to shut the fuck up about this issue because you’re embarrassing yourself.

Signed,
Furious Fatty

p.s. If any of our readers would like to let Slate know what you think about Prudence’s “advice,” you can contact Sarah Trankle with the New York editors at 212 445 5330 or nyoffice@slate.com.

Trigger warning: This post thoroughly discusses an The Biggest Loser and weight loss.

First of all, I want to apologize because I will not be posting the episode 8 recap until Monday. This is the beginning of a very busy time of year for me, which limits the amount of time I have for writing. These recaps are incredibly time consuming to prepare because I want to document everything wrong with this shows and there is a helluva a lot of wrong going on.

To do it right, I have to spend a full day watching the show, while transcribing and screen-capping, which means I have to pause and rewind, pause and rewind, pause and rewind most of the day. After that, it’s a matter of sorting through it all and piecing it together, which is what I spend the rest of the week doing.

Except this week, I got hung up on two bits of information I stumbled upon while preparing this week’s recap. I had intended this to be the intro to the eighth recap, but by this morning, I realized there’s no way I can give the recap itself the attention it deserves.

It is for the best that I give myself the weekend to work on the recaps, so I don’t feel rushed and turn in a shit product, right? Right. So, expect Biggest Loser recaps on Mondays from now on, instead of Fridays.

But these two peeks into the sausage factory will lay the groundwork for Monday’s recap.

The first was an interview with Conda Britt, the third place winner from Season 13. I didn’t watch that season (and will sure as shit not watch another after this), but I remember hearing about how five contestants walked off after week 14 (the episode prior to the semi-finals) because all of the eliminated contestants would have an opportunity to return to the ranch for the final episode and be eligible to win it all. NBC lawyer helpfully pointed out that it was even in their contract:

All contestants, including all eliminated contestants, will be invited to participate in the final challenge for the series, and the one contestant who wins it will be automatically eligible to win the grand prize.

The lawyer also reminded them of their contractual obligations to the show, and the contestants dutifully returned, minus two defectors, who were kicked off. Britt was one of the lead instigators of that coup and has been called “the biggest bully and troublemaker on the show.” She also went on to take third place, having lost 115 pounds, or 40% of her starting weight.

So, drama aside, Britt is an ideal representative of TBL’s success, yes?

Well, between the walk-off, which TMZ reported on February 21, 2012, and this interview from May 4, 2012, she seems to have already gained back some of the weight.

Click to get multiple shots
from this interview.

So in reality, it’s more like this…

And in this interview, Britt discloses a few details of the audition process. I’m sure this has been revealed in one way or another elsewhere, but this is the first I’ve heard it, so I’m sharing it for context.

According to Britt, to become a Biggest Loser contest, you first have to attend an open casting call, followed by a two-hour sit down interview with the casting director. This is followed by months of back and forth emails, which leads to a two-week sequester in a hotel. Britt says she was locked in the room with her brother Jeremy, who was also a contestant. During that time she had “numerous interviews with NBC executives and people involved with show.” On top of all this, they have to take a 500-question psychological test, an IQ test and meet with a psychologist.

The whole point of all this is that there are no surprises from the contestants. But could it also be that the psychological profile they develop is used to manipulate contestants once they’re on the show? They know their weak spots, they know how to push their buttons, so why not use that to gin up the drama?

As for the show itself, Britt said they filmed for 12 hours a day and that there were cameras in the contestants’ bedrooms. With that much footage to manipulate, the “reality” of Biggest Loser looks heavily edited.

Again, not surprising, but given the way the show molds the narratives to make certain contestants villains or heroes, it’s important to know how much material they have to work with in shaping those stories.

The other enlightening info comes from former contestant Austin Andrews, who made it to week 19 before being eliminated the week before semi-finals.

From a starting weight of 396 pounds, Austin lost 174 pounds, or 44% of starting weight, by the finale.

As a result, he and his father, Ken, founded RetroFit Ministries, where faith and fitness unite. Both men are available as speakers, of course. But one thing that interested parties should know is that Austin doesn’t quite look like the After above any more, as evidenced by a photo taken one week ago.

In fact, I think Austin and I are probably about the same size now.

So, once again, the ads should look a little more like this:

This isn’t meant as a diss to Austin in the least. I have it on good authority that he eats healthy and that he and his dad are giving health and wellness seminars (though in the photo from that seminar, his dad seems to have put some weight back on as well), so if anyone knows how to stay healthy it’s Austin. If Austin put some weight on, but he’s still exercising and eating healthy, then guess what, he can be just as healthy as a thin person.

But for all we know, he could have stopped exercising and started eating ten boxes of Twinkies a day. Of course, that wouldn’t surprise me either because that’s what Biggest Loser sets people up for. Nobody can lose that much weight that quickly without eating 1,200 calories or less, PLUS six hours a day of what seems to be mostly vigorous exercise. To put that in perspective, the American College of Sports recommends 20-60 minutes of vigorous exercise three days per week.

Unless a person’s career depends upon maintaining a slender physique, then it becomes nearly impossible to keep up with 30 hours of exercise per week (assuming they take the weekends off, which they probably don’t). As British pop star Claire Richards said, getting and staying thin is a full-time job. In order to maintain the weight loss from Biggest Loser, former contestants would essentially have to maintain the 1,200 calorie, 6-hour-exercise lifestyle indefinitely.

Most people can’t keep that kind of lifestyle up, and once they regain some of the weight, they figure they may as well buy up all the Twinkies they can. People often ascribe that to being weak-willed or a quitter, but there are actual hormonal riots going on inside the body of a Biggest Loser contestant. And if you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, then you best educate yourself before you decimate yourself.

So not only does TBL’s  weight loss approach tamper with the hormones leptin and ghrelin (which control hunger and appetite), but the show is basically a bunch of people who came together and said, “Hey, let’s teach people that exercise only works if it’s miserable, merciless torture!”

And that’s why Biggest Loser makes their contestants sign the infamous non-disclosure agreement. Now, it’s not surprising in the least that this non-disclosure agreement exists, but what fascinates me is how they choose to enforce that agreement. This bit of information I learned from Austin, who has been pretty straight-forward about his experience on the show.

You can read the Storified version here, but the gist of it is summed up in two of Austin’s tweets (which have since been deleted, but you can see them in the Storified version, still):

I would say that a lot of comments made by many contestants could be considered violations.

the only people threated with suits were the negative ones to my knowledge. I have never been threatened…

Then Yoni Freedhoff got to the heart of the point:

@retrofitaustin @atchka Put other way. Don’t need a contract to prevent lying – libel law covers that. Contract to prevent release of truth.

— Yoni Freedhoff, M.D. (@YoniFreedhoff) February 19, 2013

Austin points out that it’s a branding and marketing issue, which is absolutely true. But isn’t the marketing problem that in order to get the results necessary for the show, they had to endure some pretty terrible shit? And this is a show that wallows in terrible shit! The cruelty on display is dehumanizing enough. Just imagine what we’d learn if we pulled back the curtain.

We already have Golda’s epic three-part interview with Kai Hibbard, one of the final four contestants from Season 3. And we certainly know that Biggest Loser has a terrible long-term success rate. That is unless, of course, you ask NBC. The Today Show has an undated “Where are they now?” article that features contestants from every season up to 11.

At first glance, it’s a pretty impressive list with 56 former contestants, most of whom have supposedly kept off the weight since they were on the show. But perspective is important. That’s 56 out of 201 former contestants. If this were an experiment, a 25% follow-up rate would not be considered all that impressive.

Even so, what taints this cohort even further is that 46 of those 56 former contestants have leveraged their appearance on the show into some kind of career or enterprise. Many are available as motivational speakers, while others have written books. One way or another, 82% of the “Where are they now?” contestants are financially rewarded for keeping the weight off, which provides an incentive not available to most dieters. That certainly frames this “proof” in an interesting light.

But what absolutely devastates this body of “evidence” is the fact that some of the contestants are no longer the same weight. For instance:

Michael Ventrella won season 9 with the distinction of having lost the most weight in the show’s eight year history.

But as of last January, Michael’s put some of the weight, as you can see in the series of photos below.

Click to see the many faces of Big Mike.

So I think we can safely say that at least one of the “Where are they now?” bios is out of date, yes?

And then there’s this one.

This says she weighs virtually the same as she did the day on the season 4 Biggest Loser finale.

And yet, here she is at a Biggest Loser casting call last July.

Clearly, she does not still weigh the same anymore.

And yet, they aren’t alone. The following are contestants who appear on the “Where are they now?” list, and who I have been able to find pictures from 2012 or later. For example, you’ve got Dr. Jeff Levine from season 2.

And the Germanakos twins from season 4.

Jerry Lisenby from season 4.

Trent Patterson from season 5.

Michelle Aguilar from season 6 (you can see her in this 2012 video, where I got the screen cap).

And Roger Shultz from season 5.

In fact, Roger, took a double dip and was a spokesperson for the weight loss product Sensa between the After above and the “Five Years Later,” as evidenced in this interview from October.

And finally, we’ve got season 8 contestant Abby Rike, who is promoting her weight loss book even as she seems to regaining the weight from the show.

So where are they now? It seems some of them are on their way to regaining the weight they lost on the show. The remaining “success” stories are profiting off their weight loss, and so have an added incentive to maintain the strict lifestyle necessary to maintain that loss.

Perspective is everything, and NBC fights to control the perspective that Biggest Loser is a great experience that leads to a life-changing amount of weight loss. If a former contestant attempts to convey anything less, they’re sued.

This is just the glimpse behind the curtain that we’ve been able to force our way to seeing. It makes me wonder how much worse it actually is behind the scenes.

Previous recaps

• Prequel — Paging Dr. Dolgoff
• Episode 1 — The Biggest Dickweed
• Episode 2 — Reclaiming Worth
• Episode 3 — Crossfire Hurricane
• Episode 4 — Cognitive Dissonance
• Episode 5 — Abracadabra
• Episode 6 — Mystery Tramp
• Episode 7 — Valentine’s Day Massacre

Trigger warning: This post thoroughly discusses an episode The Biggest Loser, including the abusive bullshit as well as the weigh-ins.

As of Tuesday night, I had only seen the first 30 minutes of Biggest Loser and already I had concluded that it was hands-down the worst episode yet in terms of sheer dickweeditude.

At this stage in the show, it’s a long-shot that anyone can possibly catch up to Jillian Michaels, Queen of the Bullies.

I should have seen this sooner, myself. She’s always been a special kind of terrible. She’s like the Emperor Palpatine to Harper’s Darth Vader.

“All I care about is that your ass gets smaller.”

This week, she launched her irrational brand of dramatic outrage with such ferocity that it actually surprised me, and there isn’t much that Jillian Michaels can do or say that surprises me any more. It’s more like resignation that she loves saying cruel, hateful shit when she’s pissed. Then again, so do I, but I usually try to direct it at the deserving. In her case, the “deserving” means the people on that show. I haven’t read a lot of Jillian Michaels outside of Biggest Loser,  so I don’t really know if this she throws tantrums at fatties in her real life.

But even if Jillian Michaels is nice to every fatty she meets, and she’s only a troll toward those who “hire” her to get them skinny, it’s still an absolutely ridiculous way to motivate people to exercise. Can anyone else think of a therapeutic or motivational benefit for clients to be screamed at and belittled until they cry in front of a gym full of people (and 5 million viewers)?

Often, these Jillian’s tantrums are sometimes directed at the same person show after show. She went after Jeff in two episodes because he didn’t put up with her shit, but she reserves her special hate sauce for Gina, as does Bob and the rest of the house. Bob repeatedly harassed her when she was on his team, and there were several instances people would mock Gina in a way that you don’t hear them mocking other contestants, like during the Temptation when everyone laughed at Mike’s joke about her eating the half the table full of sweets.

But as far as I remember, we don’t see Gina being mean to other contestants, although she does throw Jackson under the bus while talking to the camera, but she doesn’t seem rude to the others the way that they are to her. What’s irritating about Gina is that she speaks her mind and she didn’t put up with Bob’s shit. And whenever Bob antagonized her too long and she snapped back, he would say “You have to learn to deal with it.”

Sorry Bob, but if you were my trainer, I’d be “dealing with it” the way Gina did.

Because here’s the thing: Gina has consistently lost a lot of weight, which made her one of the most valuable players on the Blue team. In fact, in episode 4, Bob told her:

You’re not going home. You’re working your ass off, just like you’ve done every single week pulling those big-ass numbers, losing a pound a day. You just think, “I’m glad I’m at the point where I feel like I can’t go any longer.”

And in episode 6, Bob told her, “You are the biggest threat in this house. And let me tell you, I’m afraid of a lot of people on our team right now if I roll the dice and their face comes up, but not yours.” Meaning, Bob had come to expect consistent results from her, resulting from her hard work. And in that talk, he’s trying to convince Gina to stop thinking that she’s constantly belittling her efforts.

But in Biggest LoserLand, hard work = weight loss, and if anyone has “proven” this formula, it’s Gina. She’s the only person who has been Biggest Loser twice, and for most of the show she has lost eight or nine pounds, or more. Per their theory, whatever Gina’s doing is “right.” Everybody should be emulating Gina because she is getting the most consistent losses on the show, which is the whole point of the show.

And yet… Gina seems to be loathed by the viewing public, as I documented in this Storify called “We Hate Gina.”

For instance…

Why does Gina deserve to be on the biggest loser?Always quits!!! @biggestloser

— Tiffany (@wilsont4408) February 21, 2013

And…

Gina from biggest loser is just so obnoxious. If she stopped complaining for a second things would go better for her

— Amanda Rae (@amandarae3) February 20, 2013

And in the middle of a firestorm of hatred toward Gina, there’s this…

Gina on the biggest loser is so cute

— A$AP BILLY (@billyfeola) February 19, 2013

I thought I would get to the end of Twitter’s rageboner for Gina, but I finally gave up on finding the end of it. To a certain extent, it makes no sense. She’s accused of being a quitter and that things aren’t going well for her, but clearly she’s a hard worker and things are going very well for her.

How did this happen? Why does everyone hate Gina?

At least part of the blame this week can be placed squarely on the Dark Lord of Fitness, Jillian Michaels.

Trivial Pursuit

This weeks episode begins in the gym, where the seven remaining contestants are standing behind a podium.

The Biggest Loser is brought to you by Pain^®.
When you want your exercise to be miserable, remember to bring pure, unmitigated Pain^®.

Allison Sweeney explains the week’s challenge. If they all lose a total of 70 pounds, or 10 pounds each, all of the contestants will win immunity and nobody will have to leave the ranch for another week.

Jeff puts the challenge in perspective. “Last week, the people in the house combined only lost 61 pounds and those were relatively good numbers. To increase that by 9 pounds, like, that’s undoable.” Especially since they got to 61 pounds with eight people, or about 7.5 pounds per person.

“If you do not lost 70 pounds, there will be a red line and one person will be automatically eliminated,” Allison finished. After she explains the game, she brings the kids into the gym.

Lindsay, Sunny and Biingo.

As they walked in, Sunny said to the camera, “It was cool to walk into this room and think about how many people actually changed their lives in here, and all of the blood, sweat, tears and the occasional vomiting that occured in here.” She says it as a joke, and were it not for my disgust with this show, I might laugh too. But what bothers me is how nonchalantly she says it, as though occasional vomiting were a routine part of working out, along with blood, sweat and tears.

If we were supposed to be inspired by all four of those excretions, then that ’70s band my wife hates band probably would have been called…

I know that people can vomit during exercise, but it shouldn’t be thought of as an unfortunate, but necessary part of exercise. It’s not.

Then Joe says to the camera to what everyone is supposed to be noticing, “We haven’t seen them in a long time, so when they popped out it was like, ‘Wow, they look amazing.’”

Then Allison asks Biingo, “Are you eating your vegetables?”

“Somewhat,” Biingo says sheepishly and everybody laughs.

But let’s not forget that in episode 4, Bob said, “Do I want Biingo to eat all of his vegetables? Of course I do. But if I can get Biingo running around a baseball field and having a really great time, I will take that over the food any day.”

When asked how she’s doing, Sunny answered, “It’s definitely not an easy process and it takes a lot of internal motivation. You do make mistakes and after you make a mistake you just have to pic yourself up and continue going.” Mistakes, you know, like eating M&Ms. What a horrible, terrible mistake. I mean, what kind of kid would enjoy eating M&Ms? It’s just inconceivable. (Oh, wait, it’s not).

“I can’t tell you how much we love having you as our kid ambassadors,” Allison gushes, “and it is obvious just by looking at you and hearing you talk how much you have learned. But, that’s not quite enough for me.” It never is.

We learn that the kids are going to do a pop challenge, which is typically a quiz, like they did in the third episode, when the team that lost the pop challenge was locked in the “junk room” for 4.5 hours a day for the week. In this pop challenge, the kids would be asked five nutrition questions, and for every question they got right the weekly weight loss goal would be reduced by five pounds. After that, the kids would perform five exercises from the Biggest Loser Fitness Test,  and the weight loss goal would drop another pound for each of the tests where they improved their score s from the second episode. So, in total, they could remove 10 pounds for the contestants’ weight loss goal.

No pressure, kids.

So the kids take their place at the podium and each question compares two foods and asks a particular nutrition question. For instance, the first question was which of the following dishes has more fat: two large eggs scrambled with two slices of turkey bacon or one plain bagel with two tablespoons of cream cheese?

Sunny whispers, regarding the bagels and cream cheese, “It’s unhealthy, but it’s carbs and sugar.”

Lindsay says, “But it’s about fat and this one still has fat since it’s meat.”

They finally answer eggs. Why?

“Turkey bacon still has fat,” Lindsay says.

“And the bagel’s a carb,” Sunny says.

And bacon and eggs are the answer.

Next question.

Q: How many chicken nuggets would you have to eat to reach 18 grams of fat?
A. 20
B. 6

The question is obviously 6, and the kids get it right.

Next question: Which of the following plates has more carbohydrates? Spaghetti with meat sauce and bread or a bean burrito with chips and salsa.

The interesting thing about this question is the statement above, that the recommended daily allowance of carbs is 130 grams. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) recommends 300 mg and The Mayo Clinic says 225 to 325 grams, while the Institute of Medicine (IOM)  has a Recommended Dietary Allowance (RDA) of 130 mg (PDF).  So, it depends upon who you ask, as well as how they calculate calories. the FDA and Mayo estimate a diet of 2,000 calorie per day, while the IOM ranges from 1,800 calories for a sedentary female to 3,000 calories for an active male.

In other words, it’s complicated.

“Salsa’s good for you,” Lindsay says.

Sunny nods, “There’s no question.”

“It’s natural salsa,” Lindsay agrees.

But they’re wrong because of the beans in in the bean burrito.

Which has more calories, double cheeserburger or a large order of french fries?\

Biingo says, “I’m thinking about the cheese because the cheese has some calories.”

But they guess fries and are correct.

Which of the following movie theater foods have over 1,000 calories? Personal pepperoni pizza or a large bucket of buttered popcorn.

Okay, this doesn’t mean that they consume 17.3 billion quarts of theater popcorn a year. I know some people eat lightly buttered, lightly salted popcorn as filler while they’re dieting. Portraying this context-free fact makes it seem like all the fatties are eating billions of quarts of theater popcorn each year. Context, people.

The kids guess popcorn and are correct.

So, in total, they get four pounds off their 70 pound goal and they move on to the Biggest Loser Fitness Test. We see Sunny say to the camera, “This rests on our shoulders alone.” Lindsay says, “This is a lot of pressure right now.”

But all three have been significantly more active than at the start of the show, so it seemed pretty reasonable that they could meet or exceed their previous efforts.

Then Danni says to the camera, “You see the numbers they had before and they should be a lot higher, but I think that’s what we’re trying to prove, is kids across America are struggling with a basic fitness test.”

I wasn’t a fat kid and I struggled with the Presidential fitness test. I sucked at it. I couldn’t do a pullup to save my life. But I was a skinny kid. Weight has nothing to do with fitness in children. Making fitness about the fat kids is missing the forest for the trees. Encouraging kids to be active is always good. Giving them safe places to run and play and explore and be free is awesome and I support that 1,000%. But making activity the magic childhood obesity panacea is not realistic. It will make kids healthier, but thinner is questionable.

Putting kids on a diet that don’t require calorie counting is still a diet. The trouble with kids dieting isn’t that they shouldn’t know what calories are. It’s that caloric restriction, whether you call it that or not, triggers a hormonal response that resists weight loss and makes long-term maintenance difficult, if not damn near impossible. Rather than teach caloric restriction, teach kids to enjoy and appreciate healthier foods and to approach treats and junk food as something to enjoy in moderation.

The kids move onto the Biggest Loser Fitness Test, where Biingo increases the number of situps he can do from 18 to 35. And Lindsay agrees to represent at the pullup bar.

Click for animated hopping.

Lindsay goes from 37 to 79, but what I find intriguing about this is the fact that she’s doing it from a bent-arm starting point, while the Presidential Physical Fitness Test says, “The student hangs from a horizontal bar at a height the student can hang from with arms fully extended and feet free from floor.” Kids who can’t do any pullups does a chinup instead. So, I’m curious why the Biggest Loser Fitness Test doesn’t follow the Presidential protocol.

But Danni’s impressed, when she says, “This girl looks like a little jumping bean right now.”

The other thing I noticed is that the height from which the kids start their pullups has changed a bit from when they first did the fitness test in episode 2.

Click for more hopping.

Even though she’s slightly hunched, Lindsay seems to have an advantage in the more recent pullups.

Then another odd thing I noticed is that the Presidential Physical Fitness Test says to either do pullups or pushups to test upper body strength and endurance, but Biggest Loser does both for some reason. Biingo does the pushups and goes from 23 to 32. Then Lindsay does the shuttle run and beats her previous time handily, while Sunny runs the one-mile with Danni.

“I’ve really been working on my running,” Sunny says to the camera. “It’s like something that relieves my stress after a long day, and before I started my journey with The Biggest Loser I would have never started running when I was stressed out. I started eating.” They show that favorite picture of Sunny eating M&Ms.

M&Ms are evil. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL!!!

Then Danni says one of the most unintentionally hilarious things I’ve ever heard from this show:

This fitness test I think is going to show America that it’s not about being at the gym sweaty all the time, it’s just getting out and having fun. And I think it’s going to inspire all the kids out there, look I can do it too. [emphasis abso-fucking-lutely mine]

Sunny finishes the one mile just one second shy of her 10 minute goal, which is cool because she clearly has improved her endurance, and it’s a helluva better metric of how she’s improved her health than how she looks.

In the end, the kids helped reduce the contestants’ weekly goal from 70 pounds to 61 pounds.

The Big Payback

In the gym, Bob pulls Francelina aside for a Biggest Loser Moment (BLM), which are the times, typically after a contestant is injured or accused of quitting when the trainers pulls them aside to get to the “real” reason behind their inability to perform on command. You know it’s a BLM because they always end in a hug.

Bob usually takes a good whackin’ stick to the BLM just in case things get out of hand.

“I know when you were at home you lost, what, like 100 pounds on your own?” Bob asks.

“I did,” Francelina says.

“And what was your top weight?”

“I was almost 350,” Francelina says.

“What woke you up?”

“My father passed away.”

“When did he pass away?”

“Right before I went to college.”

As I described on Friday, Biggest Loser does an exhaustive background check on all of their contestants. Bob knows Francie’s background, but he needs her to share it with the audience, as well. This happened once before when Jillian talked with Francie about her father’s death in greater detail during episode 3.

Not only do BLMs give viewers an emotional connection with the trainers, but the contestants get to share the unique circumstances that made their lives interesting enough to include on the show. All of the contestants have either undergone tragedy or are on the verge of tragedy. There’s always something going on back home that Jillian can pretend she’s a psychiatrist probing into.

In reality, the protracted background check is to done to create a dossier on each contestant that can be used to trigger part of the week’s story arc, if necessary. So, each “week” they ask a different contestant to explain why they suck and the contestant dutifully agrees. In this instance, the exposition is given as a flashback to pre-Biggest Loser Francie who explains:

When I was 16, I lost my father to a brain tumor. And the doctor helped me understand that there was nothing that I could do. And ever since then I’ve been wanting to be a doctor and help somebody else.

At this point, Francie begins to sob, and they cut to a shot panning up from her legs up to her head in some of kind of shorts and bra/swimsuit top thing:

I believe in the industry they call this BLP, or Biggest Loser Porn.

[Sidenote: The perfect example of BLP comes from the opening shots of episode 2, which I didn't capture at the time, but have gone back to get to demonstrate what I mean by Biggest Loser Porn.

Click to see BLP in action.

See what I mean?]

Francie continues. “I really think that my weight is holding me back because I don’t feel comfortable going into a medical school interview…” at this point, it cuts to a shot of her eating some kind of flatbread sandwich of some kind which is apparently a terrible thing to do.

“… and being like this.” All needing to eat and shit. “I promised myself that I would become a doctor and help other people and now I’m not doing that. I just want to make my father proud, you know.”

So, what happens if Francie gets slim and goes to medical school and, as many contestants do, regains the weight. Does she stop again? Does she go back into hiding because she’s “like this” again? I would assume she’s press ahead, as she has already invested the time and energy into her degree. She may attempt to lose the weight again, or whatever, but she would be capable of studying and learning and doing her residency as a fat person. Because regardless of her body size, she is capable of doing the work.

What seems to be holding her back is the fear that she will be hypocritical for attending to the health of others when she isn’t attending to her own. The assumption is that you can’t be a fat doctor and not be neglecting  your own health in public display.

And that’s bullshit.

There are fat doctors who eat unhealthy foods and don’t exercise and there are fat doctors who eat healthy foods and do exercise. Same goes for thin doctors too, and you can’t tell by looking at them either. What held Francie back from going to medical school was not her weight, but the stigma attached to her weight which made her feel like a hypocrite for being fat. Clearly she has dieted repeatedly in an attempt to control her weight, which is what she’s been taught to do. But because each attempt eventually unravels, she blames herself for each failure, despite her experience being just one of a thoroughly-documented, across-the-board trend of abject failure in any and all weight loss schemes.

I hope that as Francie goes through medical school, she’ll read up on exactly why The Biggest Loser‘s methods are so toxic, particularly the long-term success rates of low calorie (800 to 1,500 calories per day) and very low calorie diets (800 or less). I wrote a post describing the evidence and an explanation of why all diets fail in this post.

In short, eating healthy and exercising won’t necessarily make you thin, but it will help make you healthier, and that’s the goal, right?

Nope.

“You going through what you’re going through here,” Bob says with an earnest look on his face, “remembering what it is you want out of your life, so you never go back to the 350-pound girl.” Yeah, don’t go back to the 350-pound girl, Francie, she was mean, not letting you be a doctor and all. “I see such a positive light around you, Francelina. I only want to brighten that light even more. And I will do anything I can for you because I see who you are and I really like who I see.” And if she gets fat again, then light goes out and she’ll be bumpin’ into shit all the time.

So ends another BLM because, as I mentioned, they get up and HUG!

We then see Dolvett say quite gravely to the camera, “Week 8 is dangerous week. There’s so many emotions that go through this house. Some people get motivated,” cut to a shot of Jeff exercising, “some people want to quit,” shot of Alex exercising. “It always gets crazy week 8.”

Yeah, Dolvett, it’s not week 8, okay? It’s the whole fucking show, but carry on.

Dolvett’s charges are on their machines and he tells them, “I walked into this gym extremely calm today, but I could switch to anger very quickly. Do not piss me off. It’s a nice, light little jog, right Gina? How about you start?”

Gina says, “I have very slick tennis shoes on. They’re brand spanking new, I haven’t had the chance —”

“Do me a favor,” Dolvett cuts in. “Don’t run on your heel, run on your toes.”

“I can’t do that,” Gina says, and Dolvett gives her a dirty look. “I can’t.”

Then Dolvett says to the camera, “I don’t like quitters and I don’t like excuses. Gina gave me an excuse. I don’t condone that,” he said, preparing to join the Merchant Marines in the year 2055.

Yeah, my vest has a hood. What of it? It inflates too.

Then Dolvett says to the other people he’s training, “Okay, we’re going to stay on this incline until Gina and I get on the same page.” Everyone groans. “I need 30 seconds, Gina.” Then snarkily, “I love lawyers.”

Next, Joe says, and it’s closed captioned so you can’t miss it, “Heh! I hate ‘em.”

“DONE!” Gina says, jumping off the treadmill and heading for the door. “Didn’t take long today, Bob.”

Then Joe says to the camera, “You gotta be frickin’ kidding me. I was just kind of being a smart alec like I am sometimes. It just set her off. But the old adage, is it just takes one apple. I mean, this is a week where it’s all for one and we have a goal, and when you have that much tension it doesn’t make for a healthy environment.”

Dolvett goes after her and shouts, “Gina, don’t walk out on me!” She says it has nothing to do with him and leaves anyway.

Good for Gina.

First off: why does she have new sneakers? Do you know how uncomfortable it is to work in brand new sneakers? I can’t imagine suddenly putting on a brand new pair and doing a Biggest Loser workout. What happened to her old sneakers? Did they break or something? Why new sneakers? I know it seems like a strange detail to get hung up on, but it seems odd to me. She’s only been on the show for eight weeks, and switching to brand new shoes in the middle of the show could legitimately have an affect on her performance.

But the moment gives Dolvett an opportunity to punish the whole team, which makes them hostile toward Gina, once again. From what I’ve seen on the show, people give Gina a lot of shit, then tell her to deal with it. Well, she dealt with it.

We cut to a pre-commercial segment where Nathan, who was out in the first or second episode, has lost 90 pounds, and we watch the photographer take his picture and say “I’m proud of you, man” which is what he says instead of “You look gorgeous” as he does to the women.

We also find out that Nathan is now permitted to get married and he says that he’s inviting Jillian to his wedding. “I hope that she RSVPs real quick,” he says. Yeah, Nate, she’s gonna get right on that.

After commercial break, Dolvett says to the camera, “This has nothing to do with Joe in my opinion.” Of course not. “I think Gina looks for reasons to give up when she shouldn’t because in a lot of ways Gina is a winner.” Including the ways in which she won two episodes. Yes, this is about Joe and Mike and Bob and all the people who have given her shit throughout the show. You repeatedly pick at one person and expect them not to lash back in self-defense.

So, Gina tells Dolvett that doesn’t want to work in same gym as Joe, and Dolvett offers to let Gina work out away from Joe. Then we see Joe complaining about how jealous he is that she gets her own “personal trainer.”

Then Jillian says, “Bob, I need to see Alex for a minute.”

Then we see Jillian address the camera in this shirt. Remember this shirt?

I point this out because the timeline of the outfits worn in camera interviews are sometimes seen in two, three, four episodes, calling into question the timeline of these comments. Biggest Loser counts on people not noticing these things, but when you slow it down, it really raises a lot of intriguing questions about how they manipulate this reality.

“Everybody has to give it 110%,” Jillian says to the camera. “This is the first time we’ve had a chance for the entire group to be immune. I have to push them. I have to confront them. It’s do or die time for these guys.” Literally. If they don’t meet their 61 pound weight loss goal, the entire team will be executed.

Back in the gym, Jillian tells Alex on the treadmill, “We’re going to run 6 miles an hour for 5 minutes. Every single day here you should be bringing your A game.” Alex complies.

Present-day Alex.

Jillian says to the camera, “When I look at Alex, I see a girl who’s beautiful, who’s smart, and who’s capable.”

Jillian after joining a motorcycle gang.

Then Jillian has a voiceover as we flashback to a previous episode. “I have seen her phoning it in throughout the entire season and doing less than her best by a long shot.”

Alex from oh-so-long ago.

We also get to see Jillian in this flashback.

Pissed to the future.

I’ve included all these screencaps because I noticed something in this segment. First off, the fact that Jillian claims that Alex has been “phoning it in throughout the entire season.” First of all, bullshit. In the fourth episode, after Alex has another disappointing weigh-in, Bob says “It’s not because of her effort. This girl is putting in week after week, and Jillian and I were just standing her going she deserves a good number this week.”

Then, in episode 5, when Alex is lamenting how she’s working so hard and not getting the weight loss results she wants, Jillian tells her, “Look, in 18 days you’ve lost 8 pounds. In any other world you’d be over the moon. You’re losing your perspective.”

Now, suddenly Alex is half-assing it and “doing less than her best by a long shot”? Bullshit.

But here’s bullshit number 2: I’m pretty sure these “flashback” sequences were filmed the same day that Jillian is flashing back from. In other words, Jillian complains on Day 60 day Alex has been half-assing it since day one, and they cut back to footage from Day 60 of Alex half-assing it.

The biggest clue is that in the flashback, Alex is wearing the green shirt that she only received in episode 7 when they changed from teams (and red, white and blue shirts) to individuals (and her green shirt). Second, Alex has the exact same hairband in both photos AND the same earrings. And if I’m not mistaken, the poster in the background is the same in both screencaps, suggesting that not only is this a flashback to the same day, but that it’s a flashback to the exact same machine that she’s working on when Jillian flashes back.

In other words, this is fucking insane.

What, they couldn’t get footage of Alex half-assing it from previous weeks? What the hell?

So Jillian is clearly building up to some kind of outrage, and Alex gives her the first outlet when she stops running on the treadmill after one minute.

“What is it?” Jillian asks.

“It’s killing me,” Alex says.

“That’s unacceptable dude,” Jillian snaps. “You’re so far beyond this.”

“I’m really trying hard, Jill.”

“Why can’t you do this?”

“It’s not that I can’t.”

“Then do it,” Jillian commands.

Then Jillian says to the camera, “I say to run for 5 minutes and yet Alex won’t do more than a minute. We’re eight weeks into this and it’s time that it stops.”

Stop right here. First of all, what we don’t know about this situation is what else Alex has been doing up to this point. If she’s been working her legs for two hours, and then she’s asked to run for five minutes at 6 mph, that could be a tall order. But we don’t know the context. We’re taught to assume that whatever Jillian asks for is reasonable and any disobedience is just evidence of the contestant’s half-assing it. Without context, we take Jillian at her word.

Alex stops again on the treadmill.

“Girl, you gotta really stop and think about what do you want,” Jillian says to Alex. “You don’t have anything that you’re fighting for here.”

“Jill, really, I’m trying my best,” Alex appeals.

“No, you’re not. Was a minute good enough for you?”

“I can give you two minutes, Jill,” Alex pleads.

“I don’t want two minutes, I want five,” Jillian says firmly.

Then Jillian says to the camera, “Alex works out for two hour segments, three times a day. There is absolutely no way this girl cannot jog at six miles an hour for five minutes on a one incline.”

Question: does that include Saturdays and Sundays? Because I’m really curious how long these people really work out. Right now, it’s between 30 and 42 hours per week, according to Jillian Michaels herself, which is just staggering.

We then see Jillian cross the gym and say, “Gina I want to see something. Can I borrow Gina for a minute?”

Then Jillian to the camera says, “I’m looking around the room and I’m just seeing one contestant after another who’s given up. I don’t know what’s going on with them. And I pull Gina, I think, I’m just going to see, Gina, are you going to quit?”

Again, I find this hard to believe. Approximately eight weeks into this competition and everybody is just giving up? Bullshit. This is when I start to smell a set up.

Jillian puts Gina on the treadmill for the same run that Alex couldn’t do.

“Don’t speak, just do it,” Jillian tells her.

Gina runs for a bit, then gets off and says, “I can’t.”

Gina starts to get off and says, “I can’t.”

“No no no no no,” Jillian moans. “I dropped it down. What is wrong with you people?”

And then something happens. I’m pretty sure Jillian’s brain was either hacked into or else it began malfunctioning.

“Brain hurt! Jill angry!”

Jillian crosses to the center of the room and calls out, “Can I see the trainers for a second? I have a question. We have contestants who can’t run for more than a minute…”

Bob whirls around making his stinkface and says, “What?”

“Jillian, was that you?”

“… at 5.5 or 6 at month three,” Jillian continues. Then she starts getting noticeably madder. “That’s okay?”

“No, I mean they should be able to do it by now,” Dolvett says. “Who’s saying they can’t do it?”

“One, two,” Gina says, gesturing to Alex and Gina.

“She can do it,” Dolvett says.

“No she can’t.”

“I’ve seen her do it,” he insists.

“She can’t do it.”

“Not today,” Gina butts in before gathering her stuff and heading for the door.

“She just told me how much she can’t do it,” Jillian whines.

“And once again, I’m out of her because I’m not going to stand here —” Gina says, before Jillian interrupts screaming, “Great Gina, leave. What a shock.”

I can only assume Jillian is telling the teams about the dangers of heaving bosoms.

“I will,” snaps back.

“What a shock,” Jillian snidely remarks.

Then Gina turns on her and comes charging back. “What a shock that I’ve lost 61 pounds. I’ve worked my ass off and you’re going to make an example of me?”

There’s a shot of Bob looking impotent as the two fight.

“Mom, Dad, stop fighting.”

“Why did you get fat to begin with?” Jillian asks out of nowhere. Gina pushed her up against the fence and basically called Jillian’s bluff. Gina’s right. She has some of the most consistent and largest losses all season, and Jillian’s going to use her as an example someone slacking off? Good for Gina for correcting the record, but Jillian had nothing else to fall back on but to pick at the scab of her weight-based shame. It’s a pretty pathetic moment for Jillian in a career full of them. “It’s about digging in,” Jillian explains. “Doing something that feels uncomfortable. It’s not the BLEEP!” I have no idea what she said there.

“Are you happy?” Gina says, turning to go. “You haven’t gotten the chance to [garble] in front of everyone, but now you have.”

“Okay Gina, goodbye,” Jillian snarls. “Get out.”

Gina does.

With her easy target gone, Jillian turns on Dolvett and Bob, like they had something to do with it. She grills them incessantly. “Is this okay with you two? Is it? One minute and they quit. Is this okay? You don’t see it?”

You don’t see the elves and fairies that mine for bullshit in my orifices?

Once again, Bob takes on the role of conduit between Jillian and reality. “Why don’t you just like take a breath for a second and let me answer the question, please, okay? Look at her track record. She’s been biggest loser in this house.” Exactly.

Then Jillian says softly, “It’s not about that and you know it.”

Wha- what? So in Jillian’s mind, doing the things that gets the results you’re supposed to get when you work hard isn’t the point. And since she can’t explain her position with a rational point, she has to reach for an irrational one.

“But I’m saying, it just gets at —” Bob begins.

“On the scale? Okay,” Jillian concedes. “But I’m looking beyond the scale.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT ACTUALLY MEAN? I mean, these contestants are already engaged in superhuman feats of endurance and willpower, going from 300, 400 pounds and sedentary to extremely active literally overnight. And the one person who has supposedly met their expectations on a consistent basis isn’t doing enough? There’s something “beyond the scale” that Gina has failed to accomplish? Something that has never been mentioned before as a goal for the contestants?

No, it’s only brought up now that the “ideal” contestant has fallen short of Jillian’s arbitrary expectations.

“I know you are,” Bob says, not knowing what she’s talking about. “Aren’t you always the one that tells me at the end of the day we all always have to worry about what the scale says or they’re going to go home?”

“This is beyond the scale,” Jillian says, reframing the entire show in a single sentence. “I’m asking them, can you put your identity of being weak and what’s not possible aside for five minutes. I made it easier and she quit at a minute.”

“Why won’t everyone obey my every command?”

So, basically, Jillian Michaels has decided that contestants who are losing weight at a remarkably fast rate aren’t good enough. They also have to do whatever Jillian tells them to do without question and without fail, and if they don’t, then they have fallen short of this ethereal standard she has set for them.

“Listen, listen, listen, listen…” Dolvett tries to interject.

“I don’t see it. The other day —” Jillian begins.

“I took time with Gina, I took time with Gina.” Dolvett says.

“Please tell me because the minute you and I started, remember?” Jillian says.

“Here’s the thing about Gina,” Dolvett continues.

“Bitch, moan, bitch,” Jillian bitches, moans and bitches some more.

“Exactly,” Dolvett says, then launches into one of the weirdest one act plays I’ve ever see. “‘I’m going to complain, I can’t do it.’ ‘Gina do it.’ ‘No I can’t.’ ‘Gina do it.’ ‘I can’t.’ ‘GINA DO IT.’ And she does it…”

Click to see Dolvett’s one-man show, “Gina, Do It, You Lazy Fucking Bastard!”

“She didn’t do it,” Jillian says.

“… every single time,” Dolvett finishes. “She would do it now.”

“Get her to do it,” Jillian tells him.

“I can get her to do it.”

“Baby, it’s all you.”

Then Dolvett gets a funny look on his face and says, “Where the hell did she go?”

“Five minutes,” Jillian adds.

“Where is Gina anyway?” Dolvett says, leaving to look for her. We then see a shot of Gina going into her room.

“When someone quits a minute, in it’s not as though I asked her to do anything can’t do,” Jillian continues.

Bob can feel Jillian’s brain virus attacking his prefrontal cortex.

“But I think that you’re having this conversation with me and you need to be having it with her,” Bob says.

Now, Jillian gets super-whingey, complaining, “You are their soft place to land. You’re their best day ever, right? That’s not life. Not everybody is you.” Can you say jealous?

“I know,” Bob says.

“So when they go home —” how are they going to defend themselves against the armies of shrill, bitter trainers who will demand her perpetual subservience?

“But not everybody is you either,” Bob shoots back, rather astutely.

“Sweetie, the point is this, you two need to take over because right now I need to calm down because it’s unacceptable to me.” Wait, you mean Jillian is quitting? I thought that wasn’t allowed.

“Why is it unacceptable to you?” Bob presses her.

Because it’s the opportunity of a lifetime, Bob. Because they need to rise to the occassion. Because they need to fight for themselves just as much as we are. That’s why. And if you’re going to quit, then I don’t need to deal with that. That’s my one prerequisite, you need to meet me halfway. That is what I require to do my job because I know that if you don’t it is a pointless endeavor. Unacceptable.

“That is unacceptable,” Bob finally agrees.

“Thank you!” Jillian says, giving the gesture I’ll post below. “That is what I’m asking from you, is to be like, ‘That is unacceptable.’”

You want a piece of me, Bob?

While Bob looks on in horror.

WTF?

But if you put the two pictures side-by-side, you see what’s really going on.

Jillian: Gaze upon my luscious rack!
Bob: Ew, no!

“That is unacceptable,” Bob repeats.

“Then that’s what I need from you guys is to be like, ‘Okay, you might not like Jillian, but you quit after a minute, that’s unacceptable.’ So, you admit that it’s unacceptable.” Jillian presses him.

“Yes.”

“I’m turning it over to you,” Jillian says, and then leaves. Because it’s okay when she quits out of frustration.

This entire exchange is one of the most ridiculous spectacles I’ve seen on the show. Jillian is being so over-the-top irrational that both Bob and Dolvett treat her like an unhinged idiot. Both Bob and Dolvett have worked with Gina and know her well, and both resist Jillian’s claims that she’s a quitter, particularly since she has been the most successful.

But Jillian presses her point over and over and over and over and over and over until finally Bob relents, she wins, and she gets to go home. This is what makes Jillian the Queen of the Bullies.

Bob and Dolvett have both proven that they are capable of some seriously heinous bullshit toward the contestants, but in one explosive, irrational segment, Jillian Michaels runs circles around them until finally Bob says, “Fuck it, you’re right, whatever.” This is the second time she’s done this, the first being episode 4 when she accused Jeff of being a slacker too. You may recall that at the time, Bob said:

When I see Jillian yelling at Jeff because she feels like he’s not giving her all, I know Jeff. And I feel like it’s only four weeks and I believe that he can handle anything, it’s just, a little bit of moderation here.

Jillian has a history of accusing people of not giving it their all, even though Bob claims otherwise. Could it be that Jillian is so keyed into the drama that she picks fights with people she doesn’t like personally? Could it be that there is no method to Jillian’s madness and that if she wants to, she’s going to find a way to prove that you’re pathetic?

Whatever the case, it’s fucking ridiculous.

Head Trauma

After the commercial break we’re in the house, where Jillian confront Alex.

“Why am I in the house right now?” Jillian asks as if anyone cares.

“To talk to me,” Alex guesses.

“I’m going to ask you this one more time, girl, please,” Jillian begs, while making this bizarre gesture with her hands.

Click to see Jillian Vogue.

Cut to Jillian telling the camera, “Alex and I are in a negative pattern, so I go back in the house to have it out with her.” Gee,  wonder why she and Alex are in a negative pattern? Could it have anything to do with the fact that Jillian is constantly trying to “have it out with her”?

“Why do you do a minute and quit? Is it good enough for you?” Jillian presses her.

“I was really trying,” Alex says, starting to break up.

“No, Alex, you weren’t,” Jillian tells her flatly.

Then to the camera she says, “Alex is a beast. She’s a young girl, she’s physically strong, she’s physically capable and she’s injury free. You’re telling me Alex can’t jog at a 6 for 5 minutes? Of course she can.”

Back at the house, Jillian makes this other bizarre gesture with her fist to her head several times.

Click to see Jillian bash her own brains in.

“This is going to make all of the difference, I guarantee you,” Jillian said. “You need to understand why you’re doing this. It’s the thing that’s brought you here.” Jillian knows all the things that brings the contestants to the show. She is all knowing and wise.

“It’s really just for Alex,” Alex says. “It’s just for me.”

“I’m trying to teach you that with any sort of goal you need to make it more specific,” Jillian explains. “When you’re thinking ‘I’m done at 40′ when you can do 75. ‘I’m doing it for Alex’ pushes you to go that extra distance because you’ve got something so specific.” At this point, I’m lost in Jillian’s rhetoric. I have no idea what she’s talking about.

To the camera, she says, “The thing is, if Alex cannot acknowledge that ‘I’m selling myself short, I’m phoning it in, I’m giving 20% when I could be giving 100,’ then I have nothing to work with. Until we can get to the bottom of why she’s doing this, we’re never going to be able to help her solve this problem.” WHAT PROBLEM? What is the problem that Alex has? That she didn’t run as fast or as long as Jillian wanted? Is that really justification for the epic tantrum she just threw?

Alex starts to cry. “When you go in there and think that you’re doing something positive and then someone comes in there and shows you all the negative that you’re doing, that drives me insane because it’s always been ‘Alex, your best is not good enough.’”

“Okay,” Jillian says cooly. “That’s it, then. All right. I think that’s the answer. You feel like it’s never good enough and it’s an impossible scenario to win.”

“So why even try?” Alex sobs.

Precious, precious fatty tears.

Simple interpretation: Alex is frustrated that she thought she was doing awesome in the gym and got frustrated because Jillian said she wasn’t. She’s tired of hearing that her best isn’t good enough (which is something she’s repeated throughout the show). Jillians interpretation?

“Finally, I got the answer that I’ve been looking for,” Jillian says to the camera. “So here we are: Alex phones it in, the trainers get disappointed, and she says, ‘I don’t care what you think, it’s good enough for me,’ when the truth is it’s not good enough. She knows it’s not good enough. And it’s what’s brought her here. But until she can realize that this defense mechanism is now her responsibility and is now harmful things aren’t going to get better.”

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I love how this isn’t Jillian’s fault for piling on her when she feels like she’s kicking ass. Nooooooo, it’s not Jillian’s fault, it’s Alex’s fault for daring to think that she knows what’s good enough for her. Silly woman, Jillian will tell you when you’re good enough!

Then Alex cries as she says, “Get an A? Why didn’t you get an A+? You’re pretty, but why aren’t you pretty enough? I’m so sick of my best not being good enough. I’m so sick of hearing, ‘Yeah, well, you did do this, but you could have done this.’ I’m so tired of hearing that. I’m sick of it.”

All of this very basic information gets completely tossed out so that Jillian can justify her asshole attitude. She’s the one who ran the White Team into the ground until Danni was the only one left, and now she’s working on pushing Alex and Gina too far too. But let’s not examine ourselves, right Jillian? Let’s look at how it’s the other person’s fault.

We go to a flashback of Alex before the show. She says, “I never thought my best was good enough because it always seems like there’s another step. Like, you’ve always been the pretty girl, you’re the pretty girl, but there’s always something else.”

We then see a video of what I’m assuming is Alex’s audition tape video that features her and her mother in a bathing suit.

Alex and her mom.

“People may think that this is my sister,” Alex says, “but no, this is my mom.”

Then she says to the camera, “My mom is like a size 6 and my sister is like a size 2.”

Alex and her sister.

“I’m the only one who has to shop in plus-sized sections,” Alex continues. “I can’t go to regular stores and people make comments all the time, like big girls have such beautiful faces. Its like you’re giving me a compliment while stabbing me in the heart at the same time.”

You may recall that Alex is the woman whose previous flashback centered around her fear that she would never fall in love because of her weight. Alex’s motivations seem to be primarily superficial, and this brief scene with her family clinches it.

What motivates her is not her health, but her looks, and we already knew this because Bob exploits that motivation in episode 5 when he said, “You stood on that scale day one saying that you were disgusting and that you don’t want to feel this way any more.” Because of the dossier, Bob knows why Alex is there.

Jillian tries another tactic:

If you’re really here for you, you’ll stop giving a minute to rebel and shutdown and you’ll start doing ten as you know you can. You do it for you because it would get you the best results. You do it to see all the great things that I can solve and do. I don’t want one minute to be good enough for you. And you need to stop rebelling because you’re hurting yourself in the process. And you’re going to go right back home, I don’t care if you love me, I don’t care if you love me, and you’re going to rebel yourself into mediocrity, and end up right back where you started. Can you see that a little bit?

Alex nods.

Then to the camera, Alex says, “This moment in the house really made an impact with me and Jillian ‘s relationship. She finally understands where I’m coming from and I hope that just makes our relationship that much better.”

Am I the only one who’s pretty sure Jillian didn’t understand a damned thing Alex was saying? But I guess it’s easier to go along to get along, eh?

And what BLM would be complete without the obligatory HUG!

Thank you for yelling at me and treating me like an insolent toddler!

Meanwhile, Bob visits Gina.

Then Bob says to the camera, “In week 8 there are so many emotions going on right now, like ‘I wanna quit. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired.’” Or what about, “Hey, I don’t want to get treated like a fucking prisoner of war any more. “Gina has been putting up good numbers every single week and I’m really worried that that pressure is what’s really bothering her right now.” Gee, ya think?

Going back to how I previously mentioned the outfits showing just how disjointed the chronology is, Bob appears in the same flannel shirt as two previous appearances.

I have the urge to fell timber.

So Gina tells Bob, regarding Joe, “I’m not going to be in a gym with somebody who’s causing me chest pains.”

“I feel like you being such a threat in this house,” Bob tries to reassure her, “people would love nothing more than to just throw you off of your game.”

“It is throwing me off of my game,” Gina says.

And so Bob launches into some psychobabble about Joe. “What does he represent? Who is he in your mind? Because it’s not him.”

“Right,” Gina says.

Then Bob tries to find a scapegoat. “It’s like, I think about the girl who has achieved so much, has been Biggest Loser. We’re nearing the end, is it some sort of, like, self-sabotage for you not to complete this?” Ah, self-sabotage: The Biggest Loser‘s favorite way to explain the failure to lose enough weight.

“Yeah, maybe that’s what it is. Yeah, I think that every week I’m more and more afraid of losing,” she says, buying Bob’s logic.

“So it’s almost better to leave now when you can go on your own terms.”

“Right. Exactly.”

Bob continues to lecture her on the dangers of self-sabotage and I zone out because it’s the fifth time I’ve heard this lecture.

Dig Your Way Out

For the challenge that day, contestants meet on the beach for a chance to take another 10 pounds off their original 70 pound (now 61 pound) goal.

Buried beneath each mound are all the lies from previous seasons.

At each pair of sand hills the contestants have to dig until they find either a red X or a green arrow. The green arrow tells them which pair of sand hills they have to dig up next.

Click for illustrated instructions.

They all have 30 minutes to find all five green arrows and to raise a flag at the end of the pier.

So, as they’re digging, there’s one point where we see Danni go down. She explains that as she was shoveling toward herself, she hit her ankle with the shovel, causing a lot of pain.

Ankle injuries, can you dig it?

Her teammates support her by saying, “Push through, baby.” Gina says, “You’re strong.” Yeah, that may be true, but she’s also injured. So, here’s Danni’s response:

At this point I have to stop thinking about my ankle and starting thinking about the end results, what we’ve got to do, so I’m hoping adrenaline’s going to kick in at this point and I can just fire through and just let that take away the pain and I’ll worry about the pain later.

Brilliant message! Why concern yourself with a potential injury. Adrenaline is nature’s convalescence!

Once they dig up all the mounds, it’s a mad dash for the pier. But on the way, Gina falls.

Click to see her bite the dust.

Then Jackson says to the camera, “Oh no, Gina fell down. She’s hurting. She doesn’t look like she’s about to get back up any time soon. This could all go downhill because Gina’s hurt.”

And Danni says, “The whole team is like ‘Oh my God, she can’t injure herself right now.’”

Yeah, how fucking selfish, Gina. How dare you injure yourself with so much at stake.

But then, a brilliant moment, as Joe wraps his arms around Gina, hoists her up and gives her push, saying, “Push through it, Gina.”

Click for an animated version of Joe saying “Injury schminjury.”

Then Gina says to the camera, “As I went down, my hamstring snapped and I went down to the ground. And ironically enough, Joe picked me up.” That’s not irony, Gina, that’s the act of a person who cares more about winning a fucking contest than whether you’re actually hurt. Push through it, Gina.

In the end, they win the challenge and have a new goal of 51 pounds. And although Gina seems to have recovered from her injury, Danni is definitely hobbled, as Joe and Jackson help her limp from the stage.

Hoppalong Danni.

After this segment, we see all the contestants sitting on a porch or something, then Danni says, “All of the sudden out of nowhere, Jared from Subway pops in.”

Jared with that winning Ferengi smile.

Of course, it wouldn’t be Jared if he didn’t have those fucking pants.

The disclaimer reads “Can someone please put these pants out of their misery?”

“If Jared can keep this way off for 15 years, then so can we,” Alex says cheerfully. Yeah, maybe if you get a multi-million dollar contract, you can be as successful as Jared. We’ll see, won’t we?

Jared informs them that whoever wins the show will star in a commercial with Jared. Hooray!

The next segment would typically be the Last Chance Workout, but this week they have something special in store.

“This house has been a mess this week,” Bob explains. “I mean, there’s just been a lot of drama, a lot of chaos. I mean, Gina and Joe have just been going at each other. Jillian and Alex, they’ve been going at each other. It’s like everyone just calm down for a minute.”

To deal with the totally unprovoked drama that has nothing to do with Jillian’s mental instability, they’re going to put the contestants through a trust exercise on a ropes course.

Basically, they put two people up on two ropes  that spread further and further apart.

Don’t be a wuss, Bob, go without a harness.

The contestants have to lean their weight against each other to keep from falling, but of course they fall anyway.

Stupid harness…

We only learn two things from this segment. First, Bob’s afraid of heights. And second, Jeff and Francelina have been romantically entangled. Of course, this is the first we’ve heard of it, when they pair up the two of them and Dolvett says, “Francelina and Jeff have got a little love thing happening there.”

And Jillian says, Being vulnerable with somebody that your intimate with is the most terrifying thing because there are stakes.” And that’s why she screams.

Jillian’s special brain helmet keeps her precious grey matter from spilling out.

Why do they wait until the last minute to tell us that Jeff and Francie are in love? You shall soon see.

Contradictions Be Damned

The odd thing about these weigh-ins is that although they’ve lost half of the contestants, the weigh-ins still take up essentially one-third of the show. Weigh-ins are the show’s denouement, when everything we’ve seen and learned for the last hour are resolved. In a sitcom, that denouement is wrapped up neatly and tidily. But never on Biggest Loser.

First, we see Jillian in a hideous jacket tell the camera, “Contestants needed to lose 51 pounds. Could it happen? Should it happen? Of course. It’s looking like people are trusting each other more and everybody’s working together, but honestly, I think it’s too little, too late.”

Who let one?

When asked her opinion, Gina expresses confidence in her team and says that they’re a great group to be. Of course, Jillian makes a face and Allison asks what she’s thinking.

This is Jillian’s “I just crapped my pants” face.

“Do you — I don’t — I can’t even speak,” Jillian stammers. “I just can’t even speak. Bob?”

So Bob takes a crack at speaking for Jillian’s tantrum:

I think that there was a lot of frustration this week. And I feel like you get to this point now when everyone should be just so completely focused on the finish line. Back in the day, 51 pounds, that would be cake. [Ed. Note: Gee, could it be because contestants were much heavier and there was a greater percentage of body fat to draw from?] We would be banging that out, laughed and walked out of the room. I’m standing here going like this, “Oh my God, are we even going to hit 51 pounds? I mean, this week was so fragmented, not getting along, and it transferred into their workouts and Gina had a really tough week. And Gina, she’s up or she’s down with her moods and it’s like all this week Gina seemed like she’s on a down and it was just not working. And so now all of the sudden Gina’s back there going, “I’m going to look at the good” and Jillian’s head is about to blow off her shoulders because she’s like “Why haven’t you been doing that this whole week?”

“What he said,” Jillian agrees.

“Jillian can shake her head and say I’m defiant and say what she wants to say about me, but I have worked hard,” Gina says, defending herself. “It’s evident that I’ve worked hard.” Because hard work = weight loss. “I had a bad week, yeah, I sure as hell did have a bad week. People have bad weeks in life, but I’m going to come out of this bad week a better person. I learned a lot.”

“Gina, I’ve trained you,” Dolvett says. “All of us have trained you. Jillian’s just trying to bring the best out of you.” You know, by treating you like shit.

“You know what…” Gina begins.

“So for things to go the way they went was unnecessary,” Dolvett continues. And he’s right, it was totally unnecessary for Jillian to be such an asshole. “Walking out of the gym, letting the situation with Joe escalate to the point that it escalated.” Oh, yeah, I forgot it’s time to rally behind Jillian. “All three people here are here to help you. You just have to want to be helped.”

“Let’s just weigh them in before I just…” Jillian sneers. “Weigh them in.”

Danni’s first and she calculates that everybody needs to lose 3% of their starting weight. Danni thinks her number needs to be around 7 pounds.

Jackson says to the camera, “If you have one bad week, if you have one bad day, that red line can seal your fate in this game.” Yes, clearly, as this has been proved episode after episode (that’s sarcasm, BTW).

Danni says to the camera, “I’m getting really nervous. I don’t know if we did what we needed to do to get that 51 pounds.” Because effort = weight loss, right?

Danni loses 7 pounds.

“There you go, D,” Dolvett says. “There you go.”

“I think Danni’s amazing,” Jillian says. “I mean, this girl takes a beating, gets up, asks for more, and she is becoming the woman and the motivator that I always knew she would be.” Jillian’s dream contestant is someone who will take a beating and beg for more. Alex and Gina did not, so they invoked her wrath.

Joe says he needs to lose around 9 pounds, but he loses 6. “It’s six pounds,” Joe says. “It’s a low number, but we’ll just have to see. Play the cards now.”

As he heads up to the scale, Jackson says to the camera, “I have had horrible weeks and I was always safe because of my teammates. So if I can hit my 9 pounds or more, I will be repaying a huge debt to them.”

Jackson loses 5.

“It’s not ideal,” Jackson said, “but, you know, during the workout when everybody was fighting and there was chaos I kept working, which to me, proved that no matter what chaos  is going on back home, I’m still going to be able to do my thing.” While Jackson talks about the chaos, Dolvett grins big.

Dolvett happy with Jackson’s 5?

And Bob seems happy too. “Jackson is easy breazy, you know what I mean?” Bob grins. “It’s like, whatever is in front of him, he’s going to do it, he’s going to do the best that he can and he’s never, ever going to complain about it and that’s why I love him.”

“I remember, we got done beating the crap out of them and I was exhausted and I was like ‘I’m going home’ and Jackson’s like ‘What’s next?’ You’ve worked so hard, we’re all real proud of you.” So, Jillian gets to quit and go home when she’s exhausted? Bullshit.

So far, they’ve lost 18 pounds out of the 51 and Alex is up next. She loses 3 pounds.

Alex says to the camera, “I’m disappointed that I didn’t reach thte 6 pound goal that I originally wanted, not just for myself but for the team as a whole and I kind of feel like I let the rest of the house down.”

Then she says to Allison, “It’s not what I wanted it, but it’s what I expected. I’ve been disappointed basically this entire process, so it doesn’t surprise me and it is what it is, and it’s just something that I have to deal with it.

“I mean, I feel frustration,” Bob says. “The fact that you start the week expecting a number like that, look, you’re going to get it.” Jillian nods her head eagerly. “Why not expect something great? Why not expect the unexpected?”

Well, Bob, maybe because despite all your advise and praise, she has lost around 3-4 pounds each week the entire show, you idiot. And despite your claim, she says she had a goal of 6 pounds that week, so there goes that theory.

“Bob, just with what’s happened my entire process, it doesn’t surprise me,” Alex responded.

“Look, your whole demeanor, your whole, the way you’re standing up there, it’s like you’re defeated. And Alex, you shouldn’t be a defeated woman.”

Sad Alex is why Alex doesn’t lose weight like Gina. Be happy and the pounds melt away!

As Alex leaves the scale, Jillian whispers to her, “Girl, you need to think about what I said. I’ve said the same thing to you all week long.” Then she sighs heavily.

Jeff’s up next and Danni whispers, “If he gets a 13, he’ll get 299. That would be great. Then they only need to pull an 8 and 9. So it’s possible!”

“Anything’s possible,” Joe says.

“It’s possible… it’s possible,” Danni replies.

Then we see Gina say to the camera, “I’ve been criticized for being negative in the past, so I thought, ‘All right, I’ll be positive. Sure, we can get 51 pounds. There was no way we were going to pull 51 pounds. No way.’”

Jeff loses 4 pounds and Jillian whines, “Okay, it’s over. It’s over. It’s done.”

Then Jackson says to the camera for the 50th time this season, “I just don’t understand what’s going on. I don’t understand how this is happening. And at this point we know — WE KNOW — that someone’s going home.”

“It’s not what I expected,” Jeff says dejectedly. “And that probably means that I’m going to be the one who goes home, so it’s unfortunate.” Closeup on Francie looking sad. “I need to say, I’m not ready to go home yet.”

“I didn’t get any time to train Jeff this week,” Jillian interjected, “but it’s been my observation and, correct me if I’m wrong, that he has seemed in my opinion positive and present.”

“He’s been positive, he has worked hard, he’s been diligent with his diet,” Bob says, then gives an exasperated ugh.

With two contestants left, everyone has lost a total of 25 pounds, less than half of their goal. Now, it’s Gina’s turn.

She says to the camera, “You know, I just got bitched out big time by Jillian and Bob and Dolvett because they don’t think I worked hard enough this week, and I better pull a big number this week because I’m gonna prove their asses wrong.”

Gina says to Allison, “I’ve worked hard to have a good number. I thought I worked hard, anyway.”

Then Jillian has the temerity to say, “Gina, it’s not about whether you’re working hard. There’s no question whether you’re working hard, dude. It’s about what’s going to happen to you when you go home? What’s going to happen when it doesn’t go your way? Things get tough and you unravel and that’s the concern.”

Really? REALLY? FUCKING REALLY JILLIAN!?!?!?! This hasn’t been about how hard Gina works? There’s no question whether she’s working hard?

GGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAHDHFDGLKFJHSLKJGFHLSKJHLIUBGHLIUSJHFLIDUFHLKJHSLKJGFHLKSHF!!!

So now, Gina’s sobbing and she says, “I hope I can learn how to handle that better. I’m trying really hard and I will try to take what you say to heart.”

Then, in a shocking turn of events, Jillian says, “And I’m sorry for my part. I freak out when I feel helpless and I have felt very helpless at times.” Yeah, like your whole fucking life.

“And I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to disrespect you.” Gina, she deserved it.

“Okay, let’s just take a breath girl, let’s see what happens, okay?” Jillian says.

What happens?

Gina loses 4 pounds.

Jillian’s response?

HARDER! HARDER!

The trainers all make a big show of being disappointed, while Allison looks gobsmacked as she says, “I thought it was a good number, I… what am I missing?”

Remember a couple seconds ago when Jackson lost five pounds and everybody talked about how awesome he is? Now we get four pounds and it’s a fucking disaster. Allison shouldn’t have opened her fat mouth.

“A four?” Jillian scoffs.

“For Gina?” Bob asks. “Gina’s a six. Gina’s a seven.”

“She’s a seven,” Jillian chimes in. “She’s an eight.”

Dolvett adds, “She’s high, yeah.” Well, she needs to be high after this episode.

“She’s a nine,” Jillian continues. “That’s not a Gina number.”

“That’s not a Gina number,” Bob concurs.

Then Dolvett points repeatedly at Gina as he dresses her down.

The Finger of Doom points at YOU Gina!

And Gina, it goes to show, this week has been a black cloud for you. And you haven’t seen a clear road at all. So that’s why. That’s what happens when chaos, distractions, confusion get in your way. You’ll get a number that’s not a Gina number. So this week, that number, this whole process should be a lesson.

Yeah, Gina, this is what happens when Jillian treats you like shit and other contestants mock you and you react with all your fragile lady emotions! Get off the fucking stage, you loser!

After getting reamed for not producing “Gina numbers,” Gina is a sobbing wreck and she hoarsely whispers “Can I go now please?” as she hangs her head in shame.

Now, this is how you motivate people!

Once Gina returns to the peanut gallery, Allison explains that Jeff is on the cusp of the red line.

“Great, this is amazing,” Jillian sighs.

The last contestant to weigh in is Francelina, who tells the camera, “I want a good number, but at the same time if I get a good number I’ll be sending Jeff home, and I’m hoping that I’m the one who falls below the red line.” Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaw…

But during this part, something weird happens on Hulu and I see the following:

OH NO, SOMEBODY HIT FRANCIE IN THE FACE WITH A BARBELL.

I rewound this shot several times to make sure it wasn’t a glitch, but there it was: Francie and her huge birthmark covering her face.

Anyway, Francelina gets her wish as she loses just two pounds.

Everyone is shocked.

“Are you kidding me right now?” Dolvett sputters. “Are you joking right now?”

Then, unlike his speech on chaos and black clouds and confusion which explain why Gina lost just three pounds despite working her ass off (as per Jillian), Dolvett goes on to praise Francelina’s work ethic despite her losing less weight than Gina.

Francelina, you know how I feel about you. Since day one, I can always count on you working hard. I can always count on you giving me every ounce of sweat that you have in your body, every single time. And these guys can count on you to do the same. You’re not only good in this process, but you’re good for these people behind us. I haven’t met someone in such a short period of time who gets it, and you get it, so keep going. Don’t you stop.

If Francelina “gets it” then why doesn’t she get the fucking results, eh Master Trainer?

Bob goes on to gush over her as well.

This is a girl that is never going to accept anything other than absolute greatness in her life from here on out. It’s just sad that you have to leave our house right now because we all love you so much. But we all have to go home at some point. And Francelina, I want you to have the biggest, best life that you could ever dream of because Francelina, you deserve the world.

“You’re right,” Francelina smiles.

“I normally am,” Bob says, because he’s an arrogant jackass.

Then Francelina says to the camera, “The more pounds that I shed, emotionally, physically, I realize that all this weight has been covering this amazing person.”

NO FUCKING NO!

That weight has not been covering up an amazing person, THE SHAME HAS. The amazing person has been there the whole fucking time, but the shame has prevented you from seeing her, Francelina, and I hope you remember that if you are one of the many, many former contestants who gains it back.

In any case, I want you to study this chart they use to show how the contestants rank and tell me if you notice anything:

That’s right: Gina took SECOND PLACE this week, and yet all of the scorn was heaped upon her. Joe, Jackson, Jeff and Francelina all lost less than her, and yet Gina was the lazy slacker who should be ashamed of her effort.

Do you see now why The Biggest Loser is completely irrational and utterly shameless? There’s no logic to who they pick as the villain, except maybe to go after the person who doesn’t yield to Jillian’s wrath.

According to their own standards, Gina has been the single best player since week one, yet she is the most frequently vilified for lacking the willingness to do the hard work necessary. And so by pulling a few strings, choosing a few selective edits, The Biggest Loser has been able to successfully demonize her as a terrible contestant.

After this episode, I’m rooting for Gina. I hope she stays in to the end and continues pissing off the trainers and viewers alike by not putting up with their bullshit.

After the main show, we see that Francelina has now lost 77 pounds. Now, she tells us, instead of eating when she’s stressed, she goes out dancing!

Don’t let Jeff see this.

“I always knew how to dance,” Francie says. “The problem was I didn’t feel confident because I was plump… now dancing in front of people makes me feel great. Everybody’s looking at me, that’s cool because I’m cute.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Francie, you could have been dancing all these years, even if you were plump. Hell, it’s even exercise. Just fucking do it!

And she goes on:

Before the Biggest Loser my dream was always to be a doctor, but I felt sort of like a hypocrite. I wanted to help all these people, but I wasn’t even helping myself. I almost gave up on being a doctor because of my weight. Today, I’m 100% dedicated to getting into medical school, so I’m taking my prep course, I’m studying for my exam. Now I’m actually going to be able to accomplish my dream.

Francie, your dream was within your grasp all along. Abolish the stigma and the shame, not your dreams. But good luck to you anyway.

Finally, at the end of the show we see the following in memorium.

Gibbs and two other TV crew members recently died in a helicopter crash while filming another show. Does anybody know how dangerous being a helicopter pilot is? According to Slate, “The fatality rate in helicopter crashes is 1.3 deaths per 100,000 flight hours.” That’s a pretty risky lifestyle choice, don’t you think?

Finally, it comes as no surprise that Jillian Michaels is this week’s Biggest Dickweed because she’s terrible, irrational and the bully’s bully. Congratulations, Jillian, you’re way in the lead and I expect you’ll stay there for some time to come.

If you think this is wrong, sign the petition to stop Biggest Loser and join our boycott.

Previous recaps

• Prequel — Paging Dr. Dolgoff
• Episode 1 — The Biggest Dickweed
• Episode 2 — Reclaiming Worth
• Episode 3 — Crossfire Hurricane
• Episode 4 — Cognitive Dissonance
• Episode 5 — Abracadabra
• Episode 6 — Mystery Tramp
• Episode 7 — Valentine’s Day Massacre

Trigger warning: This post thoroughly discusses an episode The Biggest Loser, including the abusive bullshit as well as the weigh-ins.

I can vividly picture the brainstorming session that brought about this week’s challenge.

JD Roth at the head of the conference table.

The man doesn’t age.

“Alright you guys, we need a challenge for the very beginning of week 9,” Roth says, clapping his hands. “As you know, week 9 is Incredibly Stupid and Potentially Dangerous Challenge Week and we need some reckless ideas.”

“What if  we have them wrestle a bear?”

“Or a box a kangaroo?”

“Nah, the ASPCA would be all over us.”

“We could have all the contestants try to stop a slowly moving train from crushing Gina who’s tied to the tracks.”

“Yeah, but then who’s Jillian going to scapegoat her sadism on?”

“Good point.”

JD’s stroking his chin thoughtfully, as murmurs rumble throughout the boardroom.

“I’ve got it,” JD snaps his fingers. “We need something simpler, something subtler.”

“Elephants!”

“No, not elephants, you idiot,” JD snaps. “No, a race. A race where they have to carry an armful of bricks.”

“No, no, how about cinderblocks.”

“Yes!” JD leaps and clicks his heels twice. “Multi-colored cinderblocks. How heavy can you get them?”

“Around 30 pounds.”

“Shit, that’s it? Is that heavy? Would it be awkward?”

“Probably.”

“Okay,” JD says, nodding slowly. “Have some interns run up and down the hall for about 20 minutes and tell me how many of them get hurt.”

Because, yeah, that’s what the contestants did this week.

“Could we have them being chased by rabid ferrets?”

The episode begins more abruptly than usual, although it always begins with a brief “Tonight on the Biggest Loser” prologue that sets the stage. Allison says, “You are all going to have to face your fears.”

Then we see Sunny say to her mom, “Like, my greatest fear is that you’re going to die.”

“You know, you don’t have to say that to me,” Sunny’s mom responds. “Instead of making me sad, you’re just making me angry when you say that.”

We then learn that Gina is afraid of enclosed spaces, just before we see them close a coffin lid on her and she begins to sob, “I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die.”

And, of course, we get the sneak peek at what Francelina looks like this week, with yet another “through the arm-hole” shot that conveniently hides the person’s body.

The camera crew is in a perfect position to tickle this guy’s armpits.

Blockheads

And then the show begins immediately after Francelina leaves and everybody is so very sad, especially Jeff, who loooooooooooooooves Francie.

Allison, whose job often seems to be to deliver awkward or bad news to the contestants, says, “It’s scary to see Francelina go. It’s scary to leave this ranch. She’s not the only one leaving tonight.”

Dum dum dum music.

And everyone’s shocked.

“Oh my!”

We then hear from Gina and Alex who both talk about their fears of leaving. And Danni says, “Leaving the ranch is definitely a fear of mine because not being able to be at the ranch and have all the resources right in front of you is going to be really difficult. You’re going to have to face the same challenges as everyone else in America.” Except for the fact that your failure will be more public, but still.

So one person will have to leave the ranch for an entire week, and that person will chosen through a friendly competition.

Guess what that competition is.

That’s right, cinderblock races.

The “game” is that they have to stack the cinderblocks in front of a picture of each of the remaining six contestants. The first five contestants to get their picture covered are safe, and you cannot put blocks in front of your own picture.

This seems symbolic or something.

“I instantly knew it was me,” Gina says. “I’m the biggest loser on the ranch and I’ve also been a raving bitch all week. It makes sense to get me out of here.”

As I’ve already pointed out in previous recaps, it seems more often than people are taking swipes at her over seemingly small things. It is true that during the previous week, Gina left the gym twice when provoked by Joe first, and then Jillian. Joe made a comment about how he hates lawyers within earshot of Gina, who is a lawyer. Then Jillian throws the world’s biggest hissy fit because Gina didn’t run long enough for her.

Yeah, Gina definitely fired back at Jillian, but she had it coming. Jillian’s new standard of going “beyond the scale” is essentially that anybody should be able to do anything at any time when Jillian asks. It’s no longer based on weight loss, but in something psychological they have to “break” in the contestants. You can see it in the satisfaction that all three trainers get from a crying, blathering fatty who’s spilling their innermost secrets on television.

One way you can effectively “break” someone is to tell them to do something that’s beyond their ability, then blame them for failing and use that blame to justify a litany of abuse. You get them to accept that they’re pathetic and weak, then you heap insult on top of injury by verbally assaulting them when they’re most vulnerable.

And an audience of around 5.75 million eats it up week after week. But the damage the show does ripples out for miles. When people want evidence that weight loss works, they point to Biggest Loser, and maybe say they wouldn’t be quite so strict. You know. a healthy lifestyle change.

But the only reason Biggest Loser gets the results they do is because contestants eat 1,000-1,200 calories per day and exercise 6 hours every day. Even regular weight loss attempts to get close Biggest Loser results, as I outline in this post. One in six Americans who have ever been overweight or obese have lost 10% or more and keep it off for one year. Just 4% lost 20% or more. And in pretty much every two-year study you can find, the numbers begin to drop precipitously. Five-years are even worse.

You can read about the prototypical healthy lifestyle change program, EatRight from the University of  Alabama, the average weight lost was around 8 pounds, even after two years (PDF with affordable paywall, but first page visible).

So in the realm of managing expectations, Biggest Loser is the Biggest Dumbass. Not only do they butcher the truth about weight loss, they treat the contestants like the disposable clones in Parts: The Clonus Horror (which I urge you to watch tonight commercial-free instead of Biggest Loser). There is a willful disregard for the physical and psychological health of the contestants on this show. Of course, they will take adequate precautions after they’re caught doing something ridiculously dangerous, but they still push the contestants harder than is healthy or necessary, and they still give the contestants challenges that any rational person would say is kinda dumb.

Enter the cinderblock race.

And to sweeten the pot, the person who stacks the most blocks will win a one pound advantage.

Cut to Jeff talking about how much he hates Gina and wants her to go home.

Then Jackson says to the camera, “As soon as I hear that it’s a save your neighbor challenge, I immediately think of Alex. I know how hard she’s working, I know how rough week eight was on her.”

Wait, what? Alex working hard? Are you serious? Jillian went after Alex last week because “I have seen her phoning it in throughout the entire season and doing less than her best by a long shot.” I thought the reason Alex didn’t lose much weight was because she was such a slacker.

Anyway, Gina says, “I want to save Jackson because if anyone needed to stay, it’s him.” Poor Jackson.

So, the race begins and everybody’s lugging cinderblocks across a field. There’s a short pair of interviews with the camera where Joe and Danni talk about their rivalry. And then something totally unpredictable happened.

“Next, we’re gonna have you carry an armload of 2x4s across a narrow bridge.”
[Click to watch Danni bite the dust.]

“Just keep smiling and nobody will realize what a dickweed I really am.”

“I didn’t see Danni fall, but I heard her,” Joe says. Then we see a clip of Joe running at the moment Danni falls.

Always the opportunist.

“For a split second I wanted to stop and help her,” Joe explains, “but I said, ‘Oh, here’s my chance to win one of these competitions.’”

But Joe’s not done, and neither is the race. We see Danni writhing some more, then finally hear Allison ask, “Danni are you okay?” In all this time, not a single person has checked on Danni. Not a paramedic, not another contestant.

Then we see Danni tell the camera, “I had this adrenaline rush, it was like, ‘You need that one pound advantage, so just go as fast as you can.’” And we see her get up and rejoin the race as if nothing happened.

This isn’t the first time that Danni has expressed such a frantic desperation when it comes to advantages. She seemed pretty distraught over whether she made the right decision to not participate in the temptation challenge during episode 7. And there’s another challenge where she acts equally stressed over the advantage.

As Danni rejoins the race, Allison says, “Danni hustles back, obviously okay from her fall.” Yeah, obviously falling on a cinderblock is no big deal.

The first contestant to have his photo covered is Jeff. Meanwhile, we see Gina’s empty cinderblock rack.

“I don’t have any blocks,” Gina says. “I don’t blame them. I can’t be bitter about the fact that they weren’t going to cover me.”

Alex is next, then Joe, then Danni. That leaves Jackson and Gina, and clearly Jackson’s in the lead.

So, Jackson tells Danni not to stack in front of him.

“I realized my whole life I’ve been ruled by fear,” Jackson says to the camera. “Week 9 is Face your Fears Week and I am ready for it. I want the opportunity to see how I’ll perform when we leave all this behind. This could be a test to see how it’s going to be when I do have to go home.”

“I don’t want to be saved,” Jackson says, trying to persuade everyone to stack their cinderblocks on Gina. “It’s getting down to the wire and it’s between me and Gina. Everyone wants to see her go away for a week, and this is going to be a hard sell because my goal is to leave.”

“The next one to stack on my face never gets guacamole again,” Jackson jokes.

But Jeff, Alex and Joe are still stacking onto Gina’s posts. It comes down to the wire, of course, but Jackson gets his wish and gets to “go home. “

We see Gina sobbing on the field as Jackson says to her, “Make me one promise, okay?” Getting all dramatic. “You won’t take a single second of this week for granted. Do not break down. Just be good this week.”

Okay, ya know, I like Jackson. He seems like a good guy. But that’s some patronizing bullshit right there.

Then Gina recaps what Jackson said to the camera at some later time. “Jackson said to stop being crazy and to get it done. And I promised him I would, and I will.” And if there’s some crazy to be stopped, you know Jillian’s going to be involved.

In the end, Danni carried 19 bricks, but Joe won with 20 and by being a douchebag.

And then, Joe has the audacity to gloat, “I beat you.”

Everybody seems appropriately disgusted by Joe, and Danni says, “Because I fell.”

Now, can anyone tell me why Gina is the most loathed person on this season’s Biggest Loser, but Joe is one of the first to get “covered” by cinderblocks? Joe has also gotten a reputation (deserved or not) for taking “breaks” because he claims he’s hurt or injured. So, why is not demonized by Jillian and loathed by fans?

Simple: Joe has already been broken. There isn’t a lot of scenes of Joe during the last few episodes because there isn’t much drama there. Joe does what he’s told and he ignores his injuries because he wants to win. Let’s not forget that aside from exploiting Danni’s injury for this “victory,” he was also the one who dragged Gina to her feet when she fell so they wouldn’t lose the sandhill challenge.

Joe’s an asshole, but he’s a broken asshole and there’s no real motivation to make him the bad guy. One bad guy is enough to channel the animosity of the other contestants and the audience.

So there’s a twist to the challenge’s “punishment”: Jackson has to take one person with him.

Jackson picks… DRAMA BREAK!

Francelina lost close to 100 pounds and she says, “I’m way more confident now and I’m genuinely happy. I can do this for the rest of my life. I’ve changed my life around.” Good luck, Francelina. You’re gonna need it!

Back on the cinderblock field, Jeff finally steps forward and offers to go with Jackson. And so we have the first of two gimmicks for the week.

The Gimmick

After the cinderblock races, Jackson tells the camera, “It’s a good chance for us to show America that it can be done.”

The whole point of this first gimmick is to “prove” that living at the ranch is no different than living at home, which is, of course, bullshit. That’s why most of the contestants regain the weight, while the few who have succeeded are the same ones who have transformed their appearance on the show into a lucrative career. That’s the point at which six hours of exercise per day becomes more feasible logistically speaking.

But when Allison says that Jackson and Jeff are going home, what she meant was a home in California. Just like episode 5, the cabinets and fridge are bare. “I think we’ve learned that we can shop for food on a budget,” Jeff says.

“We’re on our own,” Jackson says. “We have money for groceries and we can go to the grocery store and we can pick out spinach or we can pick out donuts. It’s really easy to slide back into bad habits.” And Jackson is ready to say that he will never pick out another donut for the rest of his life because when you’re craving a donut and eat spinach instead, his body says, “Gee, thanks for the spinach Jackson, that’s so much  better than a donut.”

My point is not to say that spinach is stupid and donuts rock. My point is to say that to deny the hedonistic pleasures of food entirely, rather than learning to normalize your relationship with food so that it doesn’t become the epic battle of Spinach v. Donuts.

They tour the backyard of the house, which has a small pool and two brand new bikes.

This is just like real life, where people give you houses with pools and bikes and a food budget.

Once on the bike, Jeff says, “I don’t think it’s ready for all 308 pounds of me just yet.” That’s bullshit, obviously, as some bikes have weight limits but many do not, and I doubt Biggest Loser would provide bikes that couldn’t handle their weights. Clearly they wanted them to ride bikes for some footage of them exercising on their own,  but Jeff’s concern pretty much squelched that option, and sent a message that 300 pounds is too fat for biking. Thanks Jeff!

Then Jackson explains how their “mancation” puts them at risk in the game. “Leaving the ranch is a huge risk. You’re competing against people who are having their food provided for them, who are working out with world-class trainers. That is an insane disadvantage.” Drama!

Then we cut to the living room scenes, which always means the trainers are going to video conference with the kids.

Dolvett, having come unstuck in time, returns from a dystopian future in the year 3137 k.c.

It’s the puffy jacket is a tesseract.

Well Lindsay, you know that this week is face your fears week,” Dolvett says. “I gotta ask you, what’s one of your biggest fears.” Gee, I wonder if she’s going to talk about her fear of bees.

“I think one of my biggest fear would have to be if I go into a doctor’s appointment and they just tell me, ‘You have diabetes,’” Lindsay says. You may recall that in episode 3, Dr. Splenda diagnosed Lindsay on national television as having pre-diabetes. I wrote then how pre-diabetes is not as scary as it has been presented:

As I summarized in my post on the work of Dr. Gerald Reaven, the man who brought metabolic syndrome to the forefront, pre-diabetes is essentially a worthless diagnosis. It’s predictive powers for either metabolic syndrome or type 2 diabetes are incredibly low, as the fluctuations in blood sugar and insulin levels can vary widely.

And then I stumbled across a study of Hispanic children with pre-diabetes. Lindsay is Hispanic, so this study seems particularly apt to Dr. Splenda’s prime time diagnosis. Their conclusion?

In this group of Hispanic children at high risk of type 2 diabetes, 1) pre-diabetes is highly variable from year to year; 2) the prevalence of persistent pre-diabetes over 3 years is 13%; and 3) children with persistent pre-diabetes have lower [β-cell function], due to a lower [acute insulin response], and increasing visceral fat over time.

In short, although the diagnosis of pre-diabetes may point to some issues, the actual state of being “pre-diabetic” fluctuates so wildly as to be essentially worthless at predicting the future state of the child. But being called “pre-diabetic” has become such almost a substitute for diabetes. If you’re pre-diabetic, you may as well be diabetic, even though that’s not actually the case.

To put it in perspective, 12 in 100,000 children have type 2 diabetes, while 2,700 children in 100,000 have an eating disorder. All Biggest Loser is doing is saving her from a small risk on a show known for driving former contestants to that larger one. And this season, they even had a contestant who admitted to being bulimic (Nikki, who left halfway through episode 1 after Jillian’s abusive tirades). I can’t believe I didn’t notice them say this in the show itself because I would have been gobsmacked to learn that. It’s in this recap as well, but it gets the basic facts wrong (Nikki quit, she wasn’t kicked out), but I honestly do not remember her saying she had been bulimic.

WTF?

Anyway, sidetrack, back to Lindsay.

Dolvett asks her, “What do you know, Lindsay, about diabetes?”

“I know that, um, your body doesn’t handle insulin like it’s supposed to,” Lindsay says as Dolvett nods earnestly. “That’s all I know.”

Dolvett says to the camera, “Lindsay has been diagnosed with being pre-diabetic. It’s one of the first steps in the development of diabetes.” Yeah, in the same way that drinking beer or smoking pot is one of the first steps in becoming a crack addict. But, yeah, whatever.

“So even though she’s a kid, I can’t treat her like one,” Dolvett explains to the camera, “I need her to see what it’s like to live with diabetes.” I’m gonna inject her with insulin.

Dolvett tells Lindsay, “You realize that this is a sickness and an illness that can be prevented through exercise and proper diet.” Again, not entirely correct. Aging can trigger diabetes, while sedentary lifestyle and carb-heavy diet can speed up. But exercise and proper diet won’t necessarily “prevent” you from getting diabetes so much as postpone its onset.

But okay, let’s act like Lindsay’s a ticking timebomb of diabetes, sure. Dolvett is going to introduce her to someone with diabetes.

Then we see Bob meeting with Biingo’s mom.

“We know what your son is mostly afraid of, now, don’t we?” Corduroy?

As  Bob asks Biingo’s mom in that smug, self-satisfied voice of his, we see Biingo stuffing his face with ice cream).

Wow, how convenient that Biingo just bought a carton of ice cream for stuffing his face on command.

“Vegetables,” Biingo’s mom says.

Then, we see Bob wearing, for the fourth time, the exact same red and black flannel shirt.

“And that’s why we say, ‘Hooray for Flannel!”

“Biingo’s biggest fear in the world is vegetables,” Bob says, getting his outrage on. “That’s crazy to me, but let me tell you it is so common to millions of kids out there.” But only the fat ones, right Bob?

“Until just last week,” Biingo’s mom said, not realizing how it reflects on her, “Biingo thought that brocolli was made in a factory.

So Bob gets to make this face.

It’s kind of a noticeable tick.
[Click for animated goodness.]

Yeah, because clearly that’s the problem: his eyes.

You know how you get a kid to eat vegetables? You offer them a selection, learn which ones they really like and get those enough to make sure they’re having some in their diet. Even if they won’t eat them, offer them with the meal. Don’t pressure them, that will backfire, trust me. But the kids aren’t gonna know where broccoli comes from, let alone what it tastes like, if it’s not offered. Offer them raw and get them something to dip them in if it helps. You don’t have to puree vegetables to get kids to eat them. You need patience and flexibility.

Biingo’s mom seems exasperated already, though. “I’m really hoping we can get Biingo to eat his vegetables without him knowing it. If this plan doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.”  You can’t fool kids, I’m sorry. My mom used to try and sneak onions into my food. I hated onions with every fiber of my being (still do, mostly… I can stomach softer, sauteed onions), and when I would crunch down on one or see one mixed into the meatloaf, I would get pissed because then I had to pick them out.

I was just a finicky eater, but there were plenty of other vegetables I loved, including asparagus and Brussels sprouts (still do). I’m sure there are vegetables that Biingo likes, if you take the time to introduce them. But if Biingo thinks broccoli comes from factories, then it’s time to go to the farmer’s market to let him pick a veggie to try.

Finally, Jillian asks Sunny about her fear, which is clowns, and everyone completely sympathizes.

Just kidding.

“Probably one of my greatest fears right now is losing my mom to obesity,” Sunny says. “The problem is that she’s my mom and the fact that she’s not getting healthy affects my journey to get healthy.”

“Get Mom!” Monday Nights on NBC. Check your local listings.

“This is such a challenge when we decided to take on kids,” Jillian says to Sunny, putting on her amateur psychiatrist hat. “It’s so hard because so much of what’s going on, obviously with kids, is what’s going on in the home. And you can’t control all of these different factors. If you go to her and you tell her from the bottom of your heart how worried you are, my hope is that the pain that she’s going to feel in seeing you so hurt and so scared will be more overwhelming than the things she’s afraid of that are keeping her from making these changes. Does that make any sense?” No, Jillian, it doesn’t. The fact that her mom’s weight is determined by some undetermined fear Jillian hypothesizes about does not make any sense, mostly because she barely know this woman. But that’s Jillian’s MO: observe a person being fat and ascribe their weight in every instance to some underlying psychological issue. Perhaps some people gain weight because of psychological issues, but for Jillian it’s always psychological.

Then, because she hasn’t made enough shit up, Jillian says to the camera, “Sunny’s number one fear is Shaunti dying because she is so unhealthy and, quite honestly, it’s another reason that Sunny keeps her weight on because her mother isn’t taking the weight off.”

Up until now, we haven’t seen Sunny’s dad, so we don’t know if he’s thin or not. But leave it to Jillian to make the mother the scapegoat. It’s quick and convenient, and even takes some of the pressure of Sunny directly. If Sunny doesn’t keep the weight off after this show, then we know who to blame, don’t we?

We then go back to Jackson and Jeff who are at grocery store filming themselves because they’re on their own, right?

IT’S GODZILLA! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

The self-shots are meant to drive home the point that Jeff and Jackson are totally on their own, just like real life. Unlike the contestants on the ranch, Jeff and Jackson don’t have a crew following them around, taking care of them. The only way we know what’s going on in their “home” is through the Blair Witch-style shots. Well, that and shots like this:

Another rare glimpse of their diet. A bowl of spaghetti?

Back at the house, Jackson asks Jeff, “What do you think they’re doing?”

“I’m sure Gina’s talking to someone on the show about going home and quitting,” Jeff snarks. “Joe’s cramping up somewhere complaining about an injury.”

Jackson laughs and adds, “Taking a break.”

“Alex is probably walking… walking the mile,” Jeff continues. “And Danni is probably running a 10k somewhere.”

For some reason, Danni is the Golden Child of the show. Danni can do nothing wrong and she is perpetually pointed to as an example of diligence and hard work, both by trainers and contestants alike. No other contestant enjoys the benefit of the doubt quite like Danni. And it’s kind of irritating because while Alex is routinely praised for her hard work in spite losing small amounts of weight each week, she is also routinely raked across the coals by Jillian and Bob for not working hard enough.

Anyone who has followed these recaps knows that there is no logic to the distribution of praise or criticism. The real driving force behind the feedback contestants get is in forcing the very narrative that Jeff has just summarized. After all, the last time we see Joe take a “break” due to an injury was in episode 4. But once the narrative takes hold, it’s hard to escape.

Now Jeff and Jackson talk about their fears of going home, and how life was before the ranch.

“There were days back home when I would try to get out of bed as little as possible,” Jeff tells Jackson. “I would be happy if I didn’t have to leave my house one time for the entire day.” Considering how Jeff won’t even try riding one of the new bikes provided to him or the many times he’s described his deep self-loathing, it’s no wonder he didn’t leave his house. People act as though depression were a natural consequence of being fat, but it’s not. It’s a natural consequence of accepting the stigma placed on fat people. If the world tells you fat people are pathetic, worthless and weak, there’s a good chance many will succumb to that message and shrink from the world.

Jeff says to the camera, “To be comfortable in that type of scenario and to be comfortable in that setting, in that lifestyle, it’s disgusting.” I agree, it is completely disgusting that some people can be so afraid of being fat in public that they have to retreat to the safety and solitude of their own homes. But it happens, and it’s not because lazy people are all fat. There are plenty of skinny people who never leave their homes, leaving their beds as little as possible. But only fat people feel pressure to withdraw from society because they are deemed unworthy of a normal life.

Click to see the animated Sad Fatty Twofer.

As we flashback to Jeff’s lonely bedroom, we hear him say, “I just didn’t like myself and I think it’s hard to like anyone else or enjoy anything when you genuinely don’t like yourself and the person that you’ve become.” It’s also hard to like the person you are when the whole world is tells you that fat people aren’t worth liking.

Breaking Gina

Last week, Jillian did her damnedest to establish Gina as Season 14′s villain by throwing a nuclear tantrum while accusing Gina of half-assing it and not going “beyond the scale,” whatever the fuck that meant.

As you’ll recall, I mentioned that I noticed throughout the show that people made fun of Gina without her provocation, at least from what we’re shown. Yes, she’s an abrasive personality who would definitely grate on you if you were forced to live and work together in a stressful situation, such as gladiatorial dieting. But the producers intentionally choose someone with Gina’s personality to act as a tinder box for drama. They know that other contestants, as well as the audience, will eventually hate her for being so frank and honest. Nobody wants the contestants to admit that what they’re doing, the six-hour daily workouts they’re put through, are actually hard. Saying the workouts are hard or they’re exhausted or in pain is just asking to be mocked by trainers, other contestants and the audience. It doesn’t matter if the difficulty or exhaustion or pain is real, it’s the admission that is the real problem.

So Gina is the antagonist because she says when she’s in pain or when she’s exhausted or when the workouts have been just plain hard. This gives the trainers an opportunity to verbally assault her and treat her like a worthless worm. And Gina, being who she is, know she is busting her ass in spite of it all and doesn’t deserve to be treated the way she is, so she pushes back, which makes her a walking, talking target. Last week, Jillian shot that target all to hell. This week, she’s going to put the pieces back together in just the way she wants.

As the segment begins, we hear Jillian say, “Catch your breath. I just wanted to check in and just see where is your head at.”

Uh oh, I feel a Biggest Loser Moment (BLM) coming on. BLMs are the times, typically after a contestant is injured or accused of quitting, when the trainers pulls them aside to get to the “real” reason behind their inability to perform on command. BLMs always end in a hug.

“I feel very isolated here,” Gina says, immediately beginning to sob.

Jillian feeds on the tears of fatties.

“The people here, in the very beginning, the cast members didn’t like my personality,” Gina admits. “And I’ve never been in this situation where people haven’t liked me. I mean, I’ve done everything I could to make people like me. I do do an enormous amount for people.”

At this point, we see Jillian smirk. And here’s the problem: I can’t do Jillian’s smirks any justice in this segment, and she makes many, MANY smirks and grimaces and knowing looks that seem to be in response to the confession Gina engages in (if you want to see them for yourself, watch on Hulu and fast forward to the third segment, after the second commercial).

One example is when Gina says that she does an enormous mount for people, Jillian raises her eyebrow just barely, as she seems tickled by her claims.

Click to see the subtle arching of this asshole’s eyebrow.

“And I don’t do it expecting anything back,” Gina continues. “But it seems that when my back’s against the wall no one ever comes out fighting for me.”

Now, Jillian gets to analyze her. “You’re telling me that you felt alone and when you needed people the most they weren’t there. There’s a throughline here. It is a pervasive feeling of being alone, being unsupported, being disappointed, and then exploding and then creating more loneliness.” Jillian has now effectively turned this around on Gina and made it entirely her own fault, her own problem that she has to solve. And Gina concurs.

“I’ve done that all my life,” Gina sobs.

“Okay,” Jillian says, seeming bothered by Gina’s effusiveness.

Then the words flood out in a squeaky gush. “But I don’t know how to stop. I don’t. I don’t know how to stop.” At this rush of emotions, Jillian makes a series of bizarre, uncomfortable faces that I can’t quite identify. It’s like a mix of amusement and disgust, like watching a stranger projectile vomit on a roller coaster: it doesn’t really affect you, but you don’t really want to be there to witness it either, and yet, it’s kind of funny to watch someone blow chunks in public.

Click to watch the weird licks culminate in some lip licking action.

“And I have a whole bunch of relationships that are gone because of that,” Gina says before ticking off her ruined relationships. “My brother. My nephew. My sister-in-law. My sister. I don’t have relationships with anyone anymore because of that, but I don’t know how to change it.”

Jillian summarizes the problem to the camera, “Gina feels like no one has her back. So she goes into a situation and she tries to win everybody over. She gives 100% of herself and when she doesn’t get that back, she gets disappointed, explodes and then destroys the relationship.”

Can anybody think of a recent example of this happening on the show? Oh! I know! Remember that time Gina said she was giving 100% on the treadmill, but Jillian treated her like she was the laziest bastard on the face of the planet, she became disappointed and then exploded at Jillian in response? The only difference is that due to contractual obligations, Jillian won’t allow the relationship to explode. She just demands that Gina change.

But isn’t it kind of odd that Jillian has identified that the “problem” is that Gina gives 100% and doesn’t get an appropriate response back, and that’s what triggers her explosions? So what is Gina supposed to do, give 85%? Or maybe she should tamper her expectations of what people are willing to give in return? Rather than explore this complex psychological problem, Jillian brings it back to what really matters.

“So the food is what?” Jillian asks Gina. “It’s there for you, it’s consistent, it’s comfort, what is it?”

“I’ve got some void in my life I’m trying to fill,” Jillian says. “It fills me up and I don’t like to be empty. I’ll drink 24 ounces of milk to go to bed at night so I won’t go to bed empty when I go to bed.”

Another smirk from Jillian and then we have a flashback along with depressing piano music as we watch Gina eat.

Hunger is a psychological weakness.

We can’t be satisfied with one angle of the fatty stuffing her face.

Then Gina says to the camera, “The talk with Jillian and the things she said to me, what she was able to pull out of me, it becomes very clear to me that I’ve had a destructive pattern my whole life, or at least the biggest part of my life. Running away because I had given and given and given to someone and they let me down and just severing that relationship.”

The Guru takes a moment with her pupil.

Jillian then gets down to her emotional appeal. “Everything that you give and do for other people, when you give and do for you, the emptiness won’t —” Jillian visibly and audibly pauses as she realizes that she fucked up her meaningful response “ — go away. It will go away,” she says, smoothing over her mistake. “Don’t worry, we’ve got time. We’re going to work on it. It’s going to be okay. There is an answer to this. I promise.”

“Thank you Jill,” Gina smiles, then it’s HUG TIME!

Can you feel the love tonight?

Then Gina says to the camera, “That pattern has to stop. And I hope I figure it out and it’s much more gracefully than been in the past week.”

I have quite a bit to say about this exchange because I understand all-too-intimately what Gina is talking about. I have a tendency to lose my shit when I feel like people are being unjust or unfair, whether to me or others. I also grow frustrated when I’ve gone out of my way to be nice and the . And maybe it’s as simple as they don’t like my personality (as is the case with Gina as well) because I’m opinionated and assertive  and I will state my opinion when I feel it’s called for (as in the case with Gina s well).

And yeah, what Gina says is true: having this kind of personality can break relationships, and you end up feeling like Godzilla trying to tiptoe through Tokyo. It’s something that I have personally worked on my entire life, both with and without professional help. I’ve had some success at mellowing with age, but I’m still, essentially Godzilla. And I’m pretty sure that if all the gurus and experts I’ve consulted with on how to tone down my personality can’t help, then Jillian Michaels sure as hell won’t.

Another interesting coincidence between me and Gina is that I also drink probably 24 ounces of milk before bed. I have my entire life. And here’s what horrifies most people: I love skim milk. I’ve had several friends who have an equally passionate love for whole milk, and they accuse me of drinking water. But 2% and up is like cow mucous, and I want no part of it. In any case, perhaps Gina is trying to fill herself up, but I just want to defend the milk drinkers of the world who have a glass of milk before bed simply because they love it.

But under Jillian’s microscope, a person’s weight is always a psychological triggered. Solve whatever the trigger is and the weight stays off forever. Plus, I get the impression that Jillian gets off on probing contestants for mental distress. And it all goes back to the psychological profiles the show compiles in the run-up to the show. Who knows what Jillian already knows going into the BLM.

This gives her an advantage in the conversation, a confidence on the subject of the contestant’s psyche that wouldn’t otherwise be there. And the things that the contestants admit to during the BLMs is no doubt true, but it’s Jillian’s ability to make this the source and solution to a person’s permanent weight loss success.

Of course, the show hasn’t been successful but for a handful of entrepreneurs.

Jillian’s psychological street creds are crap. Jillian Michaels is barely two things: a trainer and a celebrity. Anything else is Jillian playing make-believe.

After the BLM, we briefly return to Jeff and Jackson who are being driven to a hiking trail.

See, it’s just like real life where you’re shuttled around in a van by chauffeurs.

Of course, they have their personal cameras in tow.

Climb every mountain (or hill, you know, whatever).

When the finally get to the top of wherever the hell they’re going, Jeff says, “It’s tough, but we’re embracing the challenge and hopefully the hard work that we’re putting in definitely reflects on the scale.” Yeah, because that’s been so reliable during the first nine weeks.

“Mm-hmmm,” Jackson says.

Then we’re off to Biingo’s house, where his mom is blending veggies to mush.

“Here, Biingo, try this yummy milkshake I made you.”

“The key to these recipes is the vegetable puree that you put into the food,” she says. She’s making a turkey meatloaf “integrated” with spinach, broccoli, peas, sweet potatoes and carrots. Fair enough, it could be delicious for all we know.

But the moment is so overwrought as to be ridiculous. The whole point of this segment is that Biingo’s going to eat his veggies for the very first time without him knowing it! Tee hee. Tee hee.

And it may have worked if this “ordinary dinner” didn’t include a camera crew trained on every bite of “meatloaf” you take.

I’m sure Biingo hasn’t noticed the film crew zeroing in on his fork.

In case you weren’t aware, The Biggest Loser has a second unit camera crew whose initial job is not only interview the contestants pre-show, but to get as many primo shots of gluttony as possible. They use the gluttony shots throughout the season to remind people of what greedy pigs they used to be. They’ve used Biingo and the ice cream twice, and Sunny and the M&Ms twice as well. Those are the ones they’re really proud of. So, this is who they sent to document Biingo’s newfound love for veggies.

In the end, Biingo eats some of the meatloaf, but not that much.

See? Bob’s masterful plan worked!

You see that mushy brown stuff he’s pushing around with his knife? That’s the meatloaf, and she didn’t give him a huge slice to start with.

Then her parents finally tell him what he’s really eaten and he says “That’s nasty” and makes a face.

Click to see Biingo’s revulsion in action.

Again, I sympathize with Biingo, but that kind of pressure is not good for a kid. Seriously. It’s bad enough when parents get into fights over what veggies the kid doesn’t eat, but to do it for an audience of millions?

WTF?

But then Biingo says to his parents, “Of course, I want to eat them, I just don’t like them, so it’s like, if you hide them in the food, then I get them down somehow, it works, so…”

Later, to the camera, Biingo’s Mom says, “In the 13 years that Biingo has been alive, he has never eaten that many vegetables in one sitting. So this might be the answer to our prayers.”

Problem solved!

Now we’re back to Jillian, who has recently told Gina, “Don’t worry, we’ve got time. We’re going to work on it. It’s going to be okay. There is an answer to this. I promise.”

Jillian has built trust with Gina and has offered to help her solve her personality problems. And then this happens.

Jillian asks Gina what she’s afraid of.

“I’m afraid of small spaces,” Gina says. “I’m claustrophobic.”

Good thing she didn’t say she was necrophobic too.

Then Jillian says to the camera, “There’s so much more going on with these contestants than the obvious. ‘I’m claustrophobic.’ No, no, let’s face down fears that are affecting your weight and the quality of your life.”

WTF?

Jillian is a fat-seeking missile. You could stub your toe on a coffee table and she’d say, “You wanted to stub your toe because you wanted an excuse to lay in bed all day and eat donuts.”

There’s nothing a fat person can do or say in this life that is not responsible for or motivated by their fatness. And she’s a one woman army with a license to root out the secret causes of fatness. I’m sure she’ll have a training video series coming out soon on how to probe the mind of a fatty in 12 easy steps, which, of course, then makes weight loss possible and permanent.

Gina says to the camera, “I’m thinking to myself, if Jillian thinks I’m getting in that coffin, she’s has lost her mind.”

Nice touch.

Jillian says to Gina, “Do you know why I chose this for you?” Because you’re an asshole? “Because you’re killing yourself and you’re killing your important relationships. I want you to get in this box and I want you to think about what you can do to change it.” I also want you to think about how nobody is going to come to your funeral but me, and that’s just to spit on your coffin, you worthless crapstain.

“I’m fearful of being in close spaces,” Gina says to the camera. “I hyperventilate, I sweat. I’ve gone into an MRI machine and had to be yanked out within less than five seconds because I couldn’t do it.”

But for Jillian, Gina climbs right in.

Jillian has dreamed of doing this segment for years.

This actually takes place in one of the outdoor gyms they created this season. Nice juxtaposition.

Jillian shuts the lid and says, “Okay, rest in peace.”

Then we only hear Gina’s voice say the following:

Cut to commercial.

When we return, we hear Gina say, “I have a second chance. I have a second chance.” Then the light comes up in the coffin.

Not hyperventilating. Not sweating. But definitely frantic.

“I can do this,” Gina says.

“How do you like it in there?” Jillian asks.

“I don’t like it very much,” Gina says pathetically.

“You know how many times you tried to walk out of this place? How many times have you tried to quit the show?” Suddenly, I have visions of John McCain grilling Chuck Hagel.

“I don’t know, I’ve lost count.”

“Yeah,” Jillian says smugly. “And what’s so funny about that is I think the show is the one thing between you and this box.” Not so much funny “ha ha” as funny “uh… thanks.”

“If I let The Process work it will save my life, I know that. I know that, Jill.” I recall Alex referring to “The Process” before, and I would love to know the exact definition, but I assume it’s something like 1,000 to 1,200 calories per day + 48 hours of exercise per week + humiliation and degradation = The Biggest Loser Process. And The Process eventually works for everyone who sticks with the show, whether you like it or not.

“Do you really know that?” Jillian asks.

“Yes. I do,” Gina sobs.

“So before you run. Think, stop and think about this moment. Do you believe you deserve to be happy.”

“I do,” Gina wails. “Because of the core of all this insecurity and crap I’m such a good person and I deserve to be happy.”

Yes! I knew this coffin would help Gina learn to love herself!

Then Jillian says to the camera, “I can hear her coming to terms with ‘Okay, I don’t want this. This is what I’ve created and this is what I don’t want. I do want something different.’”  Different how? Different in what way, Jillian? She has lost the most weight on the show. What is it she hasn’t done correctly? The only thing I can think of — the one thing — is that Gina doesn’t put up with Jillian’s shit.

That’s it.

That’s what this is about. Jillian cannot tolerate the fact that Gina won’t just do whatever the hell she says to do. Notice that Alex was not harassed like this after she couldn’t run as long as Jillian wanted. Only Gina needed the BLM and the coffin treatment. Alex is off the hook. Gina’s the insolent one.

Then we hear Gina say, “I absolutely believe things can get better. I know without a doubt they can get better. This week has just been a small, [garbled word] example of that. I know it’s not going to happen every night, but I know it can get better. I have faith and belief it can get better, but it starts with me. It starts with me every day.”

Then it opens.

Your own, personal Jesus.
[Click for reanimation.]

Jillian the savior?

Am I the only one picking up the weird religious vibe mixed in here? There’s the Buddhist ritual of lying in a coffins:

It involves participants lying in coffins while monks perform death rites on them as if they already passed away. Participants believe they are reborn after the ritual with all their bad deeds buried behind them. This ritual is also supposed to extend the life span.

The Christian ritual of baptism, particularly full immersion, has a death/rebirth connotation as well. Most religions do. Religions seek to provide guidance on death, so it only makes sense that rituals develop to reenact the process so as to ease our fear of the unknown. Like practicing death.

But what kind of  religion is this? Or is it a cult? Is Jillian Michaels the new L. Ron Hubbard? Oh the possibilities!

She is giving talks around the country this summer. I hope she’ll do the coffin trick then too! She could invite people down to be reborn and shit. That would be awesome! I’m taking donations if anyone wants to buy me some front row tickets.

“What was on your mind in there?” Jillian asked.

“All the mistakes I made the week before last,” Gina said. “And how that really wasn’t something I was proud of and didn’t want that to be what defined me because I know I’m more than that. And I am going to be different, I already am different, this week has been different.” Different.

“I wouldn’t have lasted 20 minutes in a coffin before this, no way,” Gina says to the camera. “This week alone gave me the strength because I’ve proved to myself this week that I can get up and do what I need to do every day.” Um… I’m sorry Gina, but if you really have claustrophobia, I don’t think one week of strength training is enough to overcome that particular fear.

But who’s scrutinizing? It doesn’t matter because now, Jillian and Gina are best buds.

Have you accepted Jillian Michaels as your personal lord and savior?

Precariously Perched

Lindsay meets with her school’s guidance counselor, who’s idea of giving guidance includes a “No Whining” sign on her wall.

No wonder The Biggest Loser picked her.

Lindsay tells her, “I heard that I have pre-diabetes and I just don’t want it to get worse and I don’t know who to talk to.”

Her counselor says, “You’re right on in being afraid of diabetes.” In fact, you should let that fear rule your life.

The counselor then says to the camera, “Food was my best friend and that time and so I started eating more and more junk food.” We then see this picture, which proves how junk food was her best friend.

The counselor at a birthday party for her best friend, Junk Food.

“Before I knew it, I was just not at a healthy weight and my doctor said, Norma, you have diabetes.” Just like Lindsay. OMG!

“How did you deal with it when your doctor told you that you had diabetes?” Lindsay asks.

“I was pissed. I like to eat, I like to cook, this was not for me. This is not fair, you know?” Remember kids, if you like to eat and cook, you’ll get diabetes just like Lindsay’s guidance counselor.

Then Lindsay talks about her fear of needles, so the counselor helpfully injects herself with insulin while Lindsay looks on in horror.

Click to see Lindsay’s reaction to her guidance counselor shooting up.

“It just scares me because what if I get diabetes and I can’t live through life like a normal kid and have to go every hour injecting myself with insulin.” She’s right. The fact that just 12 in 100,000 kids has type 2 diabetes would make her a pretty abnormal kid. Maybe she should just go with the eating disorder so she can be “normal.”

“At this point, you’re not there,” the counselor says. “And now, if you’re able to stop the junk food and all the sugar drinks, you have a choice. We can do this.”

The message? Junk food and sugar drinks will give kids diabetes. Forget the genetic predisposition that has to be there or the insulin resistance won’t become diabetes. But why teach moderation and a healthy relationship with food when you can paint in big, broad black and white brush strokes?

Now we’re to the challenge, where the contestants meet up on the roof of a seven story parking garage. The contestants must stand on a platform hanging over the edge of the building and hang onto a bar that holds 40% of their current body weight. If they drop the weight, they’re out. The last person who remains gets full immunity from the weigh-in.

If they really wanted to motivate the contestants, they’d lose the harness.

“That changes this game dramatically,” Jackson says to the camera. “I’m terrified of heights, but I’m more terrified of going home. I just have to hold onto that bar for as long as I can and not look down because I need immunity.”

Then Danni says to the camera, “Immunity this week is crucial to me because last week I had a really good number. Everyone else kind of bottomed out and when you have a low number, usually you you’ll get a really good number next time.” Yeah, not really. Just ask Alex or Jackson.

Men versus women, who has more upper body strength and endurance?

When the weights are released, Jeff’s arms immediately go over his head, so he’s screwed. He falls off after five minutes. In the process, he gives us one of my favorite GIFs of the show.

If only there were a giant shark waiting street level.
[Click to see Jeff dangling]

Even so, Jackson’s the next to fall, then Alex, then Joe. That leaves Gina pushing down 72 pounds vs. Danni pushing down 77 pounds. And it’s at this point that you have to recognize that all the claims that Gina half-asses it is bullshit.

The irrational weight loss results are one thing: yeah, we’ve seen Gina get screamed at for not working hard, then go on to lose the most weight, and we’ve seen Danni get praised for being such a hard worker, only to lose a disappointing amount. The idea that hard work = weight loss has already been disproven week after week after week.

But this challenge right here proves that Gina has worked hard all nine weeks. Perhaps Gina has lost the most amount of weight because she has starved herself more (which is the real reason people lose vast amounts of weight), but you don’t build the kind of muscle that Gina has built up to this point by being a slacker. Gina has busted her ass, and this vindicates her entirely.

But Allison can’t help but do a play-by-play that casts Gina in a struggling light, while going easy on Danni.

Gina, slowly but surely, that bar has been climbing higher and higher, her hands shaking. Danni’s so close. Gina losing another inch, her face says it all, this is not an easy challenge. Gina digging deep, her hands shaking. Gina or Danni is going to leave here today. Gina loses another inch, it’s over her head now.

But in reality, Danni’s grip is clearly coming undone until she’s finally holding on by one hand.

Danni’s last stand.

Gina wins and she’s ecstatic.

“My whole life, I haven’t lived in the moment,” Gina tells the camera. “I never even stopped to appreciate the accomplishments that I’ve made, but my moment was today and that feels pretty good. I’m back. I’m back. The ugly Gina of last week is gone and I’m back. I’m back.”

Yes, that horrible, ugly Gina who has been repeatedly told that she doesn’t work hard enough is dead, while the new Gina has emerged from nowhere, capable of outlasting five other contestants who have all supposedly been working harder than her.

It is simply amazing to me how transparent flimsy the “Gina slacks” narrative is when it’s actually put to the test.

And now, it’s time for Sunny and her mom to have the talk.

Shame and Stigma: It’s not just for breakfast any more.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Shaunti says. “You’re looking very serious.”

“Um, I was talking to Jillian.” This is never how you want a conversation to begin. “And she told me that the theme for this week on the Biggeest Loser is to face your deepest fears.”

“My biggest fear is losing my mom to obesity,” Sunny says to the camera. “I’m definitely not looking forward to this conversation. It’s not going to be easy to express my feelings like this, but I think it’s a conversation that I need to have with my mom.”

Sunny says the following, which is much more enlightening than it seems. “It’s hard to explain, but throughout the years you’ve gone on one fad diet after another and you end up kind of putting the weight back on and again and just a bit more weight as well.

Then to the camera she says, “My mom steadily throughout my life has gained and gained and gained and gained, and I really think that’s why I gained weight. I don’t want to see her miserable like this.”

I keep running across these people (particularly on reddit) who understand the dangers of weight cycling, but then ascribe weight cycling to “fad diets.” But that’s not what the research shows. The fact is, it doesn’t matter what kind of nutritional philosophy or lifestyle change you claim is the “real” solution, the evidence shows that they ALL result in regained weight.

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that according to these skeptics, the only difference between a “fad diet” and a “lifestyle change” is that the latter works and the former doesn’t. That’s it. If you didn’t keep the weight off, then you were on a fad diet. If you did, then you made a lifestyle change.

This is why Sunny’s plea is so troubling. Her mom has made many, many, MANY efforts in the past to lose weight, and here she is being pushed by her own daughter to try again. And The Biggest Loser has put Sunny forward as this spokesperson who can help her mom do it “right” in such a way that she doesn’t gain the weight back.

You know, I’m scared that if you continue to gain weight, you know, you might just get really sick and I love you, and I want you to be there. I don’t want you to get sick. I want you to be able to experience all of the amazing things that you can’t experience when you’re overweight. You can’t go on roller coasters with me and dad. You can’t tie your shoe laces with ease, it’s hard for you.

I don’t fault Sunny, here. She has been sent to stage and intervention for her mom, and she’s using all the tools at her disposal, including shame. And her mom responds accordingly.

“You know you don’t have to say that ot me to my face,” Shaunti says. “Instead of making me sad, you’re just making me angry when you say that.”

“What?”

“You know, you don’t have to tell me you can’t do this, you can’t do that, I know I can’t do it.” And this is what fat people have been saying since forever: we don’t need family and friends to tell us we’re fat and we don’t fit. We see it every single day, and getting reminders from others does not help.

Then Sunny tells the camera, “I’ve talked to her so often before and she knows that I really want her to lose weight and become more healthy. But it’s kind of as if the minute I start talking to her about these things she gets defensive and she thinks I’m criticizing her.” This is an accurate proxy for the War on Fat. When people say “We’re fighting obesity, not obese people” it’s a lot like Sunny saying, “I don’t understand why she thinks I’m criticizing her.” Regardless of intent, there is a war on fat people and pointing out that her mom doesn’t fit on roller coasters is criticism. Especially since she has struggled with her weight probably since before Sunny was born.

“My greatest fear is that you’re going to die,” Sunny says. “I don’t want you to get so heavy that you get sick and die.” So, here, go on this diet with me and lose weight again so you can gain that back and then some.

“It’s is a very scary thing for me to sit here and listen to you saying, talking about your fears,” Shaunti says to Sunny, “because a mother is supposed to console her daughter, and to take away her fears. To be the cause of those fears is something quite devastating.

The Shaunti says to the camera, “This is easily the most terrifying conversation I’ve ever had. Everyone knows that we come with an expiration date but still, to know that your daughter is scared  by the thought, and she thinks that it’s a very real thing in your life, it’s very scary. You know,” she says, her eyes welling up. “I don’t want to die. I definitely don’t want to die.”

How many points do they get for making someone not on the show cry?

Shaunti then tells Sunny, “I realize it’s really a scary thing. I see what you’re saying. I really hear your fear. And I promise you that this time it will be different. And it’s not just me, your dad will support me and we’re going to do this together.”

How will it be different? What is she doing with this weight loss attempt that she has not tried in the past? We don’t know, but I’m sure she’s finally found the permanent solution that has escaped her all these years.

Finally, Sunny says to the camera, “Maybe something I said hit home and she really does want to make some drastic change.” As opposed to all those other times when she didn’t really want to make a drastic change?

Lesser Fears

Back at the house, Danni is sitting at the kitchen counter reading when Jillian comes in and says, “Hello pumpkin, I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve summoned you today.” Yeah, I’d say when Lucifer summons you, you’ve got some questions.

But no fear, Danni, it’s just a commercial for Über energy bar by LÄRABAR.

We love processed food when it pays our bills.

We learn from Jillian that LÄRABAR is huge supporter of the Biggest Loser (so don’t buy that shit), and we also get to see Jillian being positively giddy, laughing and giggling, while describing the different flavors.

Happy Jillian scares me more than mad Jillian.

After the infomercial, Jillian tells Danni that because she’s afraid of singing in public, Jillian is going to have her sing at a club. We then get a flashback of Danni singing at home while preparing food for her fat face.

I call this one, “Love Song for a Bundt Cake”

Then Jillian says to the camera, “Danni loves to sing, but she’s afraid of singing in public. I think she’s afraid of really being seen by people. Because if they see her for who she is, it won’t be enough.” Once again, Jillian misses the forest for the trees in trying to over-explain everything.

If Danni is afraid of being seen, it’s not because of some deep-rooted fear of not being enough. It’s about feeling too fat to put herself on stage where she can get criticized. But of course Jillian makes this about something more than stigma and shame.

“Fear can paralyze us or it can motivate us,” Jillian says to Danni. “How you choose to respond to your fear is really going to play an enormous role in the way that your life plays out, right?” For once, I agree with Jillian. But I would have given this advice to Danni before coming to Biggest Loser.

Then Jillian says to the camera, “But the reality is if Danni gets out there and sings in front of all these people, I think she’s going to realize she already is the woman that she wants to be.” And she was already that woman before she started The Process.

“The one thing I really love is singing,” Danni says to the camera. “It’s been something I’ve been avoiding for years just because I was the fat girl or the girl who wasn’t pretty enough, and I though those things outweighed what I could have performed on that stage.” Outweighed. Get it? And there ya go: it’s not about whether she’s “enough” it’s about how she feels too ashamed to perform as a fat girl or an ugly girl. That’s a fear based on shame and stigma, plain and simple.

We then see Danni get on stage, followed by a commercial break.

When we return, Bob and Joe are climbing on a boat to tackle Joe’s fear: sharks.

Oh man, I bet Joe’s going to be surrounded by blood-thirsty sharks!

Bob tells the camera, “Joe is about to face his biggest fear. He thinks it’s sharks.” Here we go again. Contestant says, “My biggest fear is X.” Trainer says, “No, your biggest fear is Y.” And miraculously, by the time Joe gets to shore, he, too, realizes that he isn’t afraid of an animal with a reputation for eating humans, but something deep inside himself.

Bob continues:

What better time to get him to face his real fears. I really do believe that it’s his need for control and I’m trying to tell him, don’t think so much and just lose the control, and the more control you lose, the more you’re going to gain control in the end. And let me tell you, we have never done this on The Biggest Loser. [emphasis mine]

WTF?

You know, if I say I have a fear of dogs, it’s not because I’m afraid I can’t control the dogs and that I should just let go and allow Cujo to cuddle up to me. It’s because I’m terrified that the dog will bite me and/or kill me. If there’s some ulterior cause for that fear. Bob is not going to figure it out during a nine week game show, unless, of course, it’s a part of that psychological dossier. Of course, we don’t know for sure. We only know that Bob has transformed a pretty straight-forward fear of sharks into a metaphor for Joe’s past resistance to the trainers.

Bob takes Joe out 500 yards on a boat and Joe dives in.

I’m rooting for the sharks.

We then see Joe say to the camera, after he has already finished the swim, “I guess the biggest thing that scares me about sharks is not being in control.” Oh gee, where could that idea have come from? “When you’re in the water, they’re the boss and if something happens, usually they win.” Oddly enough, that sounds a lot like the Biggest Loser trainers.

Back to Danni, she’s on stage and clearly nervous. We hear her tell the camera, “I think the thing’s that not making me run the other way right now is the fact that this is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life and here it is on this day and I know Jill’s going to be staring at me and that she believed in me, so I need to believe in me.”

Jillian gives her an awkward thumbs up.

Sit and spin!

Then there’s all this long, dramatic buildup where you’re not sure if she’s going to do it.

I was hoping for a “Fat Kid Rules the World” moment.

And then, Danni sings the National Anthem because, why not, it’s free since it’s in the public domain. She sounds pretty good and the audience looks thrilled.

The place is packed with National Anthem fans.

Afterward, Jillian asks, “Why has all this time gone by and you haven’t pursued this? You love it so much.”

“I think I just felt I was never good enough to try and then my weight was always a factor.” We’re then treated to a flashback of Danni stuffing her face.

Danni never got her singing career off the ground because her mouth was always full.
[Click for Danni's gluttony reel]

See, this isn’t about Danni being afraid of people seeing the real her, it’s about them only seeing her weight and not the real her.

“Why?”

“Because I thought that was the only way I could be happy,” Danni explains. “And everytime I wasn’t happy, I was like ‘Well, it was because it wasn’t perfect.’”

“Has anything ever been perfect?”

“No,” Danni says. “And that’s when you feel like —”

“Consistently unhappy,” Jillian cuts in. “And that’s no way to live, sweetie. It’s never going to be perfect, that’s my point.” Says the woman who reamed Gina for not doing what she wanted perfectly.

Then Jillian tells her how proud she is and we’re so happy.

Back with the “sharks,” Bob says to the swimming Joe, “It’s going to be a good workout for you too. You’re going to need it, we’ve got a weigh-in coming up.”

And then I realized: we haven’t seen a single workout this episode yet. I’m sure they’re still happening, but this week the show’s focus has been on these “facing your fear” challenges, rather than the gym. Weird.

We then hear Joe say to the camera, “When I’m at home I’m in control of my surroundings, I’m in control of everything, but when you can’t see and you’re just swimming in open water, it gets nervous. I like to see what’s going on around me and I can’t see.”

Then Bob says to the camera, “If it works out the way that I have planned, Joe’s going to come out of this ocean a completely different man.” Yeah, he’ll be wetter.

“This is a really important lesson, and bigger than just being afraid of sharks,” Joe says to the camera after having swam with zero sharks. “The bigger lesson he’s trying to get to me is let go. Don’t just hold onto those things, those things you can’t control, be afraid of, or not do it because you don’t want to get hurt, you don’t want to do this. Let go and experience those things, and don’t always try to control everything around you.”

Ah, yes, this whole thing has been about Joe’s “injuries” and how he doesn’t trust the trainers to force him to “push through the pain.” Fuck sharks, Joe needs to overcome his fear of personal trainers.

Bob’s waiting on the beach when Joe finally finishes, and he knows his plan has worked. “When Joe came out of that water he had that big smile on his face. He felt stronger, he had that clarity that I was hoping he would have”

“What do you think you’ve learned from this Joe?” Bob asks, as Joe is still dripping wet.

“Fear is like pain, it’s weakness leaving your body,” Joe says. “Just let it go. Just don’t even think about it.”

Bob agrees, “That’s the lesson today, not letting anything hold you back. Just, like, jump into this new life I’ve got, and just approach today. I’m really proud of what you did today.”

So when Joe immediately leaves the water, his first interpretation of the challenge is that you need to let go of fear, but after his hair is dry and he has time to reflect, he’s suddenly spouting Bob’s theory. Weird how that happens, isn’t it?

Now we’re back at the house with Gina and Alex. Alex is eating something, while Gina snaps green beans.

What is that food? It’s the first thing I’ve seen that actually looks delicious.

“What do you think Jackson and Jeff are doing right now?” Gina asks, which is a great opportunity to compare with Jeff’s earlier, snarky answers.

“Probably playing a board game,” Alex says. Wow, you mean Alex and Gina aren’t going to diss Jeff for repeatedly arguing with Jillian or Jackson for throwing up once a week? Wow, that Gina sure is an asshole.

Then Alex says to the camera, “Gina and I, we were really close at the beginning, but we’re just not as close, only because of her outbursts and sometimes some of the way she acts.” This may be absolutely true, but as with the secret love affair between Jeff and Francelina that we learned about just minutes before she was booted off, this doesn’t come across in earlier episodes.

But it’s important to establish their friendship now, because Gina has some redemption to seek:

I’m going to talk to you about something selfish and personal. Um, I had a disastrous week and I’m sorry. I’m sorry if it affected the team. That wasn’t me last week. And I think you of all people know it wasn’t because you’ve worked out with me the longest. And I apologize to you. That wasn’t me and you won’t see that version again. That defiant, I’m not going to do this, I’m not going to do that person and I’m sorry for it.

“I completely understand,” Alex responds. “That’s why with me, when people are to me like ‘Gina,’ I’m like ‘Just let Gina be Gina. If Gina wants to have her moment, you just have to let Gina alone, you can’t be in her face, just let her be. She’ll come around.’”

“I have a few more apologies to make in the house,” Gina says, tucking her AA booklet back in her pocket.

Last Chance

In their pleasant suburban home, Jackson tells the camera, “This last chance workout is probably the most important last chance workout that Jeff and I have ever had. We have to prove that we’re ready to take this challenge on at home, and if we don’t show that it will just be devastating.” Like Hurricane Sandy devastating.

For their last chance workout, Jeff and Jackson run trash cans up and down the street, then do 20 jumping jacks and 10 squats, then do it again.

Oscar the Grouch meets Ben Hur.

“Our key is going to be cardio,” Jackson explains to the camera. “We’re not going to stop moving. This is our opportunity to burn the last little amount of weight that we possibly can before we have to face the scale.” Yeah, because that’s worked so consistently in the past.

Meanwhile, back in the gym the trainers are pushing everyone hard. At one point, Jillian says, “Joe, give me the burn on your Body Media armband right now.”

“1,200,” Joe responds.

“That’s it?” Jillian scoffs. “Move your ass. Let’s go.”

Just for perspective, in order to burn 1,200 calories through exercise, a 180-pound person would have to run 6 miles per hour (the rate that Alex and Gina could not keep up the week before) for 90 minutes or else a 160-pound person would have to swim laps for 2.5-3 hours. A heavier person would burn slightly more, but the point is that 1,200 calories is a lot.

Dolvett then says to the camera, “That last chance workout is the dreaded fear of any and everybody who does this thing, so guess what: this is the biggest fear of them all.” Dolvett is also going for the Drama Queen of the Week award.

“Danni’s at a huge disadvantage,” Dolvett continues. “She pulled a big number last week, so Danni has to work twice as hard than anyone else just to stay above the yellow line.” And if she does stay above the yellow line, then the inverse assumption is that the other contestants worked half as hard as her, correct?

Gina and Alex are working out together, and Gina tells the camera, “I think the expectation of everyone is that I’m going to halfway do it because I have immunity. I wanted to make it loud and clear that I was here to work hard whether I had immunity or not.”

And Alex says, “I really gave it my all this week. I know that I’ve made a lot of physical changes this week. And also a lot of emotional changes and just hope that it all pays off.” So despite Jillian’s claim to the contrary last week, both Jackson and Alex have claimed that she busts her ass. But will it pay off?

First, a commercial for Brita: Drink 8 ounces of water 8 times a day, kids!

And now it’s time for the weigh-in, which has changed in one dramatic way. Last week, all of the women wore midriff-baring shirts and the men took off their shirts before the got on the scale. This week, no more.

Week 9: When weight loss starts to get too gross for prime time television.

“This week, I think you all have faced your fears, but tonight you face something that everyone fears,” Allison explains. “We all have a healthy fear of The Biggest Loser scale.”

Ah, so the takeaway this week is that fear is a terrible thing that must be overcome, unless it’s the fear of the scale. That’s a “healthy fear.” Personally, I would have put “fear of sharks” and “fear of laying in a coffin” into the “healthy fear” category, but what do I know.

Allison asks Jackson and Jeff how they did.

Jackson answers first, “We worked hard every single day. There’s literally nothing that we could have done differently.”

Then Jillian, because she can never be satisfied unless she has something whinge about, says, “I can think of something. How about don’t volunteer?” As she says this, she makes a series of bizarre gestures to punctuate her outrage.

Excuse me, asshole’s opinion coming through.
[click to see Jillian be an overdramatic dumbass.]

“Well, let’s think about this,” Jackson responds. “In a week or two weeks, whenever it happens, we’re going home regardless. We’re going to have to face the real world. I wanted to have the opportunity to go out into the real world and see what I’m still struggling with while I still have the chance to come back and fix it.”

And this makes absolute sense. He wanted to test the waters and see if he could keep up The Biggest Loser lifestyle, which is pretty damned intense.

“I’m still not buying that,” Jillian snipes. “Because here’s what I think: if you were to go home tonight, what if it costs you an opportunity to be a finalist on the show.”

Okay, so Jackson goes “home” for the week to push himself into working as hard on his own as he has in the gym. He takes a risk, as he puts it, despite potentially jeopardizing his place on the ranch. In other words, he goes “beyond the scale.” But Jillian shoots him down. Why? Because Jillian’s expectations for Gina and Jackson are completely and arbitrarily different.

“It won’t,” Jackson says.

“Okay, I hope not,” Jillian says.

“I’m promising you,” Jackson responds again.

Then Jackson says to the camera, “We hadn’t even started the weigh-in, she has no idea how hard we worked, she has no idea what we’ve been through, and she’s running her mouth already and I can’t believe this is what we have to deal with before the weigh-in even starts.”

Remember how everybody in the house hates Gina because she’s so negative? There’s only one person more negative than Gina, and that’s Jillian. Because right now, she has told Jackson that he can’t do it. He shouldn’t have even tried. It was a stupid move.

And Jeff nails Jillian for this hypocrisy:

I kind of made the decision, kind of using Jill’s advice, to do something that I needed to do for me without worrying about how it’s going to affect anyone else or how it’s going to make anyone else feel. Not to slight anyone else’s fears here, but a lot of the fears that everyone faced this week are fears that they don’t have to do again. And the fear that me and Jackson faced is a very real fear that all of us are going to face as finalists or as eliminated contestants within the next three weeks.

Exactly. But Bob can’t let them pile on Jillian.

“I don’t like the idea of any of them being away from here, you know, most of all Jeff,” Bob says. “Jeff goes on these up and down weight loss. I want them to be here as much as they possibly can until they are being pushed out the door.”

WTF?

I thought anyone can do what the contestants do. I thought there’s no difference between the ranch and our homes. I thought that if we try hard enough and are motivated enough, we can get the same results the contestants get. We don’t need to be sequestered and forced to work out by Jillian and Bob. Anyone can do what they do. But judging from the response they got from Jillian and Bob, we know what the trainers’ biggest fear is.

So Gina goes first and as long as she didn’t gain weight, she has immunity. One other new development is that instead of the belly-baring shirts, they flash side-by-side shots of them from their first weigh-in.

Click to see all the before and after photos.

Gina loses 7 pounds.

“I got buried basically in a coffin and I came out a new person,” Gina says. “That’s a symbol of what this week has been like for me. Last week I was an ugly, ugly person and this week I was reborn and it feels really, really good.”

And now she’s a High Priestess in the Church of Jillian Michaels of Latter Day Trainers.

“We all saw a really big change in Gina this week,” Bob said. “We see that this girl has come in with a completely different vision, so it really showed, Gina.”

Then Jillian says to the camera, “Gina got up and got a really good number. I feel really good about where Gina is at. I think she is stable. And I think there’s hope there for the first time.” Jillian is confident that she has now broken Gina and she will no longer resist her efforts. But there’s still a few weeks left, so we shall see.

Jackson’s next, and he says to the camera, “If I have to go home because of a choice I didn’t have to make, I’ll be very upset.”

“I can see your nerves on the scale,” Allison tells him.

I’ve had weeks that I’ve worked really, really hard, to the point where I didn’t think I could stand up any more, and faced bad numbers on the scale. I just hope that that’s not a similar situation here because Jeff and I really did work as hard as we possibly could.

Notice how here Jackson says he’s worked hard and gotten “bad numbers,” and yet he still stubbornly clings to the idea that hard work = weight loss? That’s because, like this week, sometimes the maxim rings true because he loses more weight. This week, Jackson loses 11 pounds, and he’s ecstatic.

“This is proof that if I go home and I don’t have the equipment, I don’t have someone shopping for my groceries, I can do it,” Jackson gushes.

Dolvett is also seems thrilled.

Happy much?

“The whole point of training you is to teach you that you can do it,” Dolvett says. Then cut to Jillian.

Shooting eye daggers across the room.

“That’s a great number for you,” Dolvett says. “A great number.”

“Jill does not look happy,” Jackson says.

“No honey, I love that you got that number,” Jillian struggles to maintain. “I mean, I’m super-proud of you. That was hard and you proved yourself, but you did that as a martyr, like ‘I have it together, none of you do, I will fall on the sword.’”

Oh for fuck’s sake, Jillian, can’t you ever be wrong? Just wrong and that’s it? Can’t you just tell Jackson, “Great job” without further degrading him?

“This wasn’t about falling on the sword for anybody else,” Jackson said. “It didn’t matter who I was saving.”

“You gotta save yourself,” Dolvett chimes in.

“Thank you!” Jillian exclaims, throwing her arms as though they finally understand her point, rather than her gloaming onto theirs.

“Thank you for proving I’m an insufferable wankstain.”

“You gotta save yourself,” Dolvett says again.

“That’s the problem,” Jillian can’t shut up.

“I think Jillian’s re-emphasizing the fact you make sure you do things for you first,” Dolvett explains.

Then Jackson and Jillian hug and she says, “Do you get it? Do you understand what I’m saying?” No, Jillian, nobody gets what you’re saying because you change what you’re saying every five seconds to suit your mood. Geez.

Jeff’s next and he says to the camera, “My biggest fear in life is failure, and if I fail and fall below the yellow line this week, it’s no one’s fault but my own.” Ah, yes, because we are in completely control of our bodies and if we don’t lose the weight we expect, it’s because of a failure on our part, except for all the times that it’s not.

“Does his good number help your confidence tonight?” Allison asks.

“I’m hoping,” Jeff says, optimistically. “I’m just really hoping that the hard work we genuinely put in pays off.”

Jeff loses 13 pounds, putting him under the 300-pound mark. Allison asks when was the last time he was under 300 pounds and he says he was 16, which is when his father died.

“Jeff had a point to prove,” Bob says. “And when Jeff has a point to prove this is what’s going to happen. I want this mentality you have right now taking you the rest of the way.” Except, remember week 4 when Jeff had a point to prove (and Bob defended him) because Jillian was being such an asshole, so he wound up losing “only” six pounds?

Allison says cheerfully, “You guys were obviously working out and eating right together because you are one-hundredth of a percent apart.” Obviously.

Unless, of course, that logic is about to break down.

Joe’s next and he loses 12 pounds, which makes him the first contestant to lose 100 pounds.

Then Jackson says nervously to the camera, “He pulls a 12 and that’s when it hits me: Yeah, they had all the advantages this week. They had their trainer. They had their gym. Slowly, I’m starting to realize that it may not have been the smartest decision to leave all that behind.”

So now what? Did Jackson prove himself, as Jillian finally admitted, or was there really a discernible difference between ranch life and real life? Next up is Alex, who has to lose more than 8 pounds to stay above the yellow line.

She loses 8 exactly.

Bob calls this look Mouth-Breathing Lumberjack Geek Chic.

Jillian rushes to her aid, “I mean, that’s such a great number, Alex.”

Forced to smile, Jillian flexes her most underused muscles.

“But still not good enough,” Alex says, repeating her mantra of disappointment throughout the show.

“It is good enough, babe,” Jillian said. “I saw you working. And I saw a different girl, we all saw a different girl.” Although I find Jillian’s prescription of Alex being a slacker last week to be laughable, at least she seems to be trying to reassure Alex that losing 8 pounds is nothing to sniff at.

“You doubled your average,” Bob says. “Is it good enough right now? No, it’s not good enough, but man, for you specifically, it’s huge. alright?” Way to go muddy the message, Bob. Jillian just got finished saying it’s good enough and you come in and say, “Nope! It sucks! Except we’ll make an exception for you.”

“This is the part where you can shut out the outside world and say I don’t care, it’s good enough for me,” Jillian tells her.

“Yeah, I’m proud of myself. I really am,” Alex says without much conviction.

Then she says to the camera, “I’m okay with the 8 that I had because I know for me that was a major accomplishment.”

Danni’s last and she needs to lose more than 8 pounds

“That’s a tall order,” Jillian says. “Not to say she couldn’t do it, but it’s like unfair to ask it. It’s tough.”

Danni loses 10 pounds and Jillian is over-the-moon happy.

Jillian has never been so happy to be wrong in all her life.

“This is like the tenth time you’ve gone up there and I’ve been like ‘You have no business getting that number,’” Jillian squeals like a schoolgirl. “I cannot believe it, you just lost seven pounds last week. I can’t believe it.”

Then Danni says to the camera, as she wears some bizarre yellow gloves, “Getting this 10 just shows I don’t need the safety net.”

Danni just got done giving Jillian her spongebath.

That’s because Danni and Gina seem to have won the genetic lottery on this show. They have both had the most consistent losses throughout the show, even though Danni has been praised as the ideal contestant and Gina the nightmare.

It’s because of this that Danni gets to say, “I earned every inch of that 10 pounds,” while in weeks past, Gina has been treated like her large losses have been an aberration.

At the end of this weigh-in, we learn that Gina still has highest percentage of weight loss. We also learn that Alex and Jackson are below the yellow line.

If Gina didn’t have immunity, she would have been the lowest with 3.89% and Jackson would have been safe. But it also goes to show that for all intents and purposes, there was no difference for Jeff and Jackson (assuming the hard work = weight loss model still holds).

Even though they’ve proved this is the case, Jackson still tells the camera, “Being in the final two is horrifying. I left the ranch for a week already. I’m not ready to leave it for good.”

As we go into voting, another glitch (like Francelina’s bloodface last week) pops up that I just have to grab.

Allison kept her nose to the grindstone too long.

Interestingly enough, she now looks like the love interest from Clonus.

Anyway, the contestants vote and we learn that both Joe and Danni voted for Alex, which means she goes home. But not before Alex shares how ready she is to go home:

That emotional stress and drama that I had is what caused me to gain weight to begin with and now that I’ve overcome that here on the ranch, I can go home a more confident person. Alex can finally be proud of herself, and that’s where I am right now. I’m going home proud of myself.

But it’s kind of hard to buy this “new and improved” Alex, since she just nearly had a breakdown during this weigh-in because she still feels like she’s “not enough.” She seems to be going home on some pretty flimsy legs.

After Alex leaves, we learn that next week will be makeover week, which makes Jackson and Danni squeal with delight. They also learn that they will be going home “to reveal the new you to the people you love most.”

Finally, we get to see Alex once more, who has now lost 70 pounds total.

“Jillian would always accuse me of not giving it my all,” Alex says as we flashback to last week when Alex couldn’t run as long as Jillian wanted. “Jillian, I’m trying my best,” Alex says. Jillian answers, “No, you’re not.”

Then Alex explains how she has took even more weight off:

Since being home, I’ve wanted to show her that I can get out of my comfort zone and give it 200%. And I do that by staying at Planet Fitness six days a week, sometimes four hours a day.  [emphasis mine]

How long do you think Alex can keep working out 24 hours a week? Because that’s how long she’ll be able to maintain that weight loss.

She continues:

My life has changed completely. I don’t feel like anyone is judging me and I’m not judging myself. Before Biggest Loser, when I was out shopping with my mom, it was so embarrassing to know that your mom could dress nicer than you because she’s smaller than you.

Alex has mentioned her mom’s size before last week, when we see her submission video that includes Alex comparing herself to her mom and sister in swimsuits.

We then flashback to a shopping trip before Alex goes on The Biggest Loser. Alex is sitting in a chair watching her mom enter a dressing room. Alex says, “That’s cute, what size is it, small?”

Alex’s mom says with a smirk, “Yes.”

Come on, Mom, really?

“But now, my mom and I wear the exact same size,” Alex says, as we see them shopping for clothes together.

“Girl, why don’t you buy this so I can wear it,” Alex’s mom says.

“There were moments were I would just break down and cry in a fitting room, but now the fitting room is my best friend,” Alex says.

We see Alex as she’s trying on a dress and she says, “I feel sexy, I feel good.”

Remember, kids, you can only feel sexy and good when you’re a Size Small.

Then, to the camera she says, “I now know I am more than just a pretty face. I’m strong. I am everything that a woman is supposed to be, plus more.”

After seeing this segment, Alex’s struggles make a lot more sense. To whom is constantly comparing herself? Why is she never good enough? Judging from these brief interactions, her mom seems to play a pivotal role in Alex’s perpetual disappointment. It’s only after getting to the same size as her mom that she feels like she is “everything that a woman is supposed to be.”

There may be more to it, obviously, but I’m sure most of our readers can recognize the dynamic I’m noting: the disappointed parent. I hope Alex’s happiness sticks, but if she continues to rely on her mother’s approval or an arbitrary dress size, I can guarantee it will not.

The Biggest Loser is not about finding true happiness or true inner-peace. It’s about changing the superficial things that cause others to hack away at whatever happiness and inner-peace we’re able to find on our own. Maybe if the critics are satisfied with the results of the physical transformation, some semblance of happiness can be achieved. But the thing about critics is that they don’t tend to stay satisfied for long. Perhaps you’re the right dress size now, but tomorrow, there will be some other problem they’ll pick up on to replace the body snark.

Hell, just look at Jillian Michaels, this week’s Biggest Dickweed. Even when contestants are busting their ass and losing enormous amounts of weight, she’s not satisfied. She will dig and dig and dig for some other reason that you’ve failed, even though by all counts, you have not. And the reason for this perpetual dissatisfaction is that Jillian’s only happy when she’s making other people miserable.

Mission accomplished.

If you think this is wrong, sign the petition to stop Biggest Loser and join our boycott.

Previous recaps

• Prequel — Paging Dr. Dolgoff
• Episode 1 — The Biggest Dickweed
• Episode 2 — Reclaiming Worth
• Episode 3 — Crossfire Hurricane
• Episode 4 — Cognitive Dissonance
• Episode 5 — Abracadabra
• Episode 6 — Mystery Tramp
• Episode 7 — Valentine’s Day Massacre
• Episode 8 — Queen Bee

You know that whenever Shannon picks me up off the floor from a dusty corner of the FFFs basement and shakes me out to start typing, that there will be no a shortage of stupidity and bad metaphors.

Today, however, I will try my hand at playing devil’s advocate and walking all over my own previous posts.

You may think back and remember with fondness my old school rants of yesteryear concerning sneaky she-devil and unlikely gazillionaire, Jillian Michaels — bane of the HAES community and the take-no-prisoners Alexander the Great of the fitness and diet industry.

Make no mistake, while I love to poke fun at anyone who insists I get out of my flannel pajamas and stop eating Captain Crunch on the couch, when Jillian Michaels announces that she is going to change your life, you’re filled with dread because she’s almost infectious and militant enough to propel you right off your ass and into a jumping jack/abs crunch death spiral.

For instance, take the recent advertisements that have been popping up all over the DC area indicating that Jillian will be appearing in a series of public speaking engagements of the inspirational variety — like a televangelist tending to her flock of “I’d like some skinny please” true believers. Starting with her inclusion on the panel of the 5th annual Get Radical Women’s Conference (taking place at the Hyatt Regency just outside of town from March 22-24), which gives powerful women seeking some powerful connections an opportunity to mingle, network and exchange ideas with other like-minded female leaders in the area. There’s also her solo run at Washington DC’s Warner Theatre on April 24th as a part of her Maximize Your Life tour.

Now, I can see Shannon spitting on the ground and cursing like my Nana over all these lucrative and well-attended live performances she’s got lined up, but I couldn’t help but think that it is my FFFs duty to attend at least ONE of these events. Not to hand over my money to a smiling Michaels as she pats herself on the back for yet another stellar financial coup, but to see what I’m actually railing against.

I mean, despite my cantankerous rants and armchair critic responses to Michaels, I’ve actually handed over money to see plenty of men and women who have openly made fat jokes for fun, all in the name of entertainment. David Sedaris went on a borderline-inappropriate-but-maddeningly-funny tangent during his last engagement about how nowhere near as many people would get behind the idea of a fat, slovenly dark-haired Jesus as opposed to the thin, good-looking, almost-Nordic-featured guy we have depicted in all our paintings. Was it wildly inappropriate and politically incorrect? Absolutely. Did I have tears of laughter running down my face? You bet.

Then there are the very controversial, but incredibly popular spoken word events of Henry Rollins, who I actually have had a soft spot for since I was a kid. He can be incredibly misogynistic and deeply dividing on subjects ranging from music to international travel, but he packs houses and I routinely spend money to see him every time he comes around. I once tried to defensively justify my continued liking of the guy by explaining to everyone that what you see onstage is actually a well-construed act and that he’s actually just a big boy scout with lots of great tattoos, but my argument fell mostly on deaf ears. Then someone pointed out that I was blindly supporting a guy who said he’s never date a fat woman and once sang the line “Slip It In.” I countered with the hard won Black Flag knowledge that Ginn wrote that particular song, but you how this whole thing’s was swirling around the “be more conscientious about your choices” bowl. There was no way I could win.

So here I stand, wondering if Jillian Michaels needs to be dealt with in the same way as the rest of our mindless, but sometimes fascinating, entertainment. Do I take one for the team and buy a ticket? Nothing Jillian will do or say during this appearance will make me go out and adopt new habits, but I’m sure I can’t give her a proper dressing down or even a valid critique unless I put in the time to see what this is all about.

Viewing your entertainment through the lens of someone who needs to remain vigilant about offending others is tiring. In addition to making the lives of people who want some sort of weight loss ideal miserable on The Biggest Loser, Michaels has also built an empire.

This means she’s diversified and surprised people enough to make a killing, and that makes her a heavily-muscled financial force to be reckoned with. So perhaps I’ll take that trip downtown to the Warner (STOP SPITTING ON MY CARPET SHANNON!) and see what all the hoopla is about.

Trigger warning: This post thoroughly discusses an episode The Biggest Loser, including the abusive bullshit as well as the weigh-ins.

I’m out of my league in the world of fashion.

If I had my druthers, I would pretty much wear this all the time.

Yes, you are tripping.

But I can’t. So I have a modest wardrobe for work which doubles for fancy occasions, but there isn’t much of a fashion “choice” to be made. Khakis and collared shirts (button down for the winter and the polo kind for summer). I work in a professional setting, so I am the most casually dressed person in the office every single day because my work doesn’t require fancy dress.

And when I don’t have to look professional, I’m more likely to wear t-shirt and jeans (or my tye-dye hoodie).

FASHIONSTAR!

In the words of the immortal Steve Martin, “And that’s all I need. And that’s all I need too. I don’t need one other thing, not one… I need this.”

So my opinion on the matter of fashion is very  much suspect from the start. As such, I will try to keep my opinions on the actual fashion part to a minimum. But there’s something kind of eerie about this Makeover Week thing that Biggest Loser, and which is apparently a really big deal. Even though it’s a happy, reunion-type show, there’s still this unsettling current that runs through the show that I won’t have to point out for you to see it.

It’s the most vivid tribute to the Fantasy of Being Thin that I have ever seen.

Episode 10 begins with a dramatic and spirited introduction of the final five: them as they were called out of the audience and then some inspirational thing they said at some point during this season.

“Tonight, it’s the episode that every Biggest Loser contestant strives for,” Allison Sweeney says.

Danni says to the camera, “This is the day to be part of this show.”

Then we see a montage (the first of many), which you will see in due time (patience, grasshopper), includes fashion expert Gunn welcoming them to Makeover Week; a former Biggest Loser winner saying “This is how we are going to save America, right here”; a sneak peek at Alex’s new look (and the photographer saying “Oh, that’s beautiful”); and Gina saying, “To actually get to be made up today and get new clothes and get our hair done  and just feel pretty and feel like a girl again, that’s really special to me.”

Finally, there’s a final promise from Sweeney that there’s an ending you won’t want to miss, including this shot.

Hooray! Gina’s sad on the scale! I’m sticking around to the end of the show now!

For those unfamiliar with Gunn, he’s one of the rare fashion people who has not been an outright dick toward fat people. He’s best known for the following comment in Marie Claire:

Have you seen most of the plus-size sections out there? It’s horrifying. Whoever’s designing for plus-size doesn’t get it. The entire garment needs to be reconceived. You can’t just take a size 8 and make it larger… In my travels, I’ve been an advocate for larger women. I’ve been talking to designers, but only a half-dozen make an effort. Most say, “I don’t want a woman who’s a size 10 or 11 wearing my clothes.” Well, shame on you! It’s not realistic. We need to address real women with real needs. At Parsons, we had fit models that ranged in size from 2 to 10. We’ve got to reconceive clothes for all sizes. Sometimes I say, “I’m going to do a clothing line!” I’d love nothing more to respond to those designers who refuse to address it.

Wow, a whole size 10! Incredible! But generally, the part people (myself included) seem to remember is his defense of plus-sized fashion. It seemed fairly supportive given the fashion culture.

And as Lesley Kinzel put it best in her takedown of Gunn’s concept of “aspirational looks” (the looks you “can’t wear right now” as a fat person, which makes aspire to lose weight):

His comments are ultimately the same old body-loathing crap we hear all the time, wrapped up in faux sympathy, and therefore I must take issue with Gunn’s self-applied title of “advocate for larger women” as I believe his words do those women more harm than good. Especially when Gunn says of one woman on the new show, “…she’d been overweight her entire life and never known a normal, slim and sexy body.” (Emphasis mine.)

When I hear that Tim Gunn was in this episode, I was expecting the former, but what I saw was the latter. It was really disappointing because up to this point, I really liked and respected him. As with any celebrity who turns out to be kind of a dick toward fat people, I struggle with how to fit this new information into my previous understanding of the person. I’m sure I’ll manage somehow.

Living The Fantasy

The show begins in a limo with a champagne toast by Gina.

“Here’s to no more dickweeds putting me in coffins, amirite?”

The limo drives down a scenic country road to a mansion where Gunn and another guy are waiting.

I get a real Muppet-y vibe from these two.

Tim Gunn is there for fashion and accessories, while the other guy is Ken Paves who does hair. And then Gunn calls down the kids, who are getting makeovers too.

Biingo’s hopped up on the goofballs in this episode. I love it.

Inside the house, Gunn shows Lindsay a rack of clothes and tells her to pick out something that speaks to her.

“Lindsay is 13, so I want to give her some lessons that will take her through her teen years and will allow her to further evolve that look.” Sounds neat.

So Lindsay comes out into the Bond villain’s living room:

She even stands like an awkward teenager.

“Wow, have a look,” Gunn says, crossing over to her. “Look at those slim, gorgeous legs. Look at you. What do you think? Can you wrap your brain around the new you?”

No, Tim, I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you’re gushing over her “slim, gorgeous legs.” I don’t care if you’re asexual, it’s still creepy as hell, and just plain wrong. Want to give a teenage girl an eating disorder? Let’s praise her “slim, gorgeous legs” so that she’s ever fearful and ever vigilant about the creeping fat cells that will rob her of her “slim, gorgeous legs.”

See, the odd thing is, there has been a conspicuous absence of talk about the kids’ weights on the show, which I think is intentional. Although the kids are clearly attempting to lose weight and have done so successfully, there’s a de-emphasis on the actual weight loss process. I can only assume this is NBC playing it safe. Instead, they talk about making their bodies healthier and increasing their confidence. But clearly they’re talking about weight loss and it’s effects.

“I see myself in this dress and I look amazing,” Lindsay says. “I don’t know what to say, but I’m just like, man, this hard work does pay off. All those tears and sweat, it makes me look good in clothes.”

Remember kids, it’s all about health.

Then we move onto Jackson, and Gunn wants to try something on Jackson.

Then we hear Jackson say to the camera, “I always wanted to mask my body and hide it. All of my wardrobe consisted of large, baggy things that wouldn’t show off my body because I had too much body to show off.”

As he’s saying this, we have a nice, long shot of Jackson walking down the sidewalk wearing some of his largest, baggiest things:

That’s not actually his belly, it’s a baggy pouch in his baggy shirt.

But now, having lost weight, Jackson is allowed to wear clothes that fit him:

What, is Jackson auditioning for the next Dr. Who?

“Oh my god, I look so skinny,” Jackson gasps.

“You do look skinny,” Gunn agrees.

Why, he’s so skinny… where’d he go?

I’m just curious if Tim Gunn thinks I’m skinny too, seeing as how I only weigh 15 pounds more than Jackson in this shot. Am I, Timmy? Am I skinny too? Do I have slim, gorgeous legs too?”

“I never thought I could pull of so much color and pattern and craziness.” I’m sorry, but I don’t think Jackson, or anyone else, can pull off wearing a pair of pants that look like they came from the Body Worlds exhibit. “Like, I don’t know if 70 pounds ago this would have looked as nice.”

“It wouldn’t have. Trust me,” Gunn assures him.

“Yeah,” Jackson agrees.

“No,” Gunn continues. “Seventy pounds ago, this was not gonna happen.”

“No.”

OKAY! WE GET IT! SEVENTY POUNDS AGO HE COULDN’T WEAR A CHRISTMAS SWEATER, BOW TIE AND BLOODY FLESHPANTS!

Honestly, who gives a shit if he could wear this particular outfit 70 pounds ago? If Jackson had the funds, the self-confidence, and maybe some help from Chubstr, he probably could find an equally quirky outfit that works for that body. What is the point?

Oh, that’s right, to drive home the point that fatties are forbidden from certain fashions. If 70+ pound Jackson wore that outfit, he would be subject to the disapproving stares of fashionistas everywhere. What a tragedy!

You know what makes style interesting to me? The fact that it’s your style. And whether it meets some arbitrary standard set by the Lords and Ladies of Fashion, I could care less about. In my uneducated opinion, fashion shouldn’t just be about following rules so much as expressing yourself. If you think breaking a rule works for you, then break the damn rule!

“These clothes aren’t just a physical thing,” Jackson says to the camera. “These are a symbol of how far we’ve come and that’s a great feeling.” Symbols are powerful, and for dieters, clothing is one of the most powerful. The fact that your choices are limited at a certain size can be incredible disheartening, as we’ve already seen in the show when contestants are shopping with thinner people. This episode is highly symbolic in that it appeals to some of our most basic psychological needs: love, approval, acceptance. Clothing embodies all of these things.

When you’re thin (and have the funds), you can shop anywhere, buy anything, and look good doing it. Unless you wear something completely outlandish, most people aren’t going to cluck their tongues, but when you’re fat, you’re a bigger target (pun intended). Most thin people who dress sexy get a positive response on average, while fat people who dress sexy get a negative one. So, yeah, clothes are symbolic, which is why this episode is the most popular of the season and the one that means so much to the contestants.

Joe’s up next in a nice looking sweater.

Now this is something I would wear to work or a “fancy” event.

“I have to tell you,” Gunn tells him, “if I were a cook and you were my cake, I would say you’re close to fully baked.”

Flashback to Joe looking like cake batter.

“Sorry guys, this was my tightest shirt.”

Joe’s voiceover says, “It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to look in a mirror and smile and say ‘Wow, there’s Joe. Joe’s back. That’s the Joe that I know.’” I’m kind of confused by this. Before he got fat, did he used to look at himself in the mirror and say, “Wow, there’s Joe. Joe’s back. That’s the Joe that I know.”? Because that’s kind of weird.

It would be like me going into the bathroom, looking at myself and saying “Wow, there’s Shannon. Shannon’s back. That’s the Shannon that I know.” Because I could always get fatter, then lose the weight and “be back,” right? So, unless Joe is a weight cyler/yo yo dieter, it would be kind of weird for him to say “Joe’s back,” right?

Jeff’s next.

I would wear this too. Just thought you might want to know which outfits that I, personally, like.

“Wow,” Gunn says. “Getting you out of the sweats, there’s a real figure and shape in there.”

Hey, does Tim Gunn think i have a real figure and shape? Because at this point in the show, Jeff is 30 pounds heavier than me. Have I reached my aspirational weight?

It’s so arbitrary, his praise. They’re always beautiful, as long as they’re losing weight.

Something else that stuck out at me here is Gunn’s comment on getting him out of the sweats. Up until this point, we have only seen the contestants in their uniform of colored sweatpants and tracksuits. The only time we see them in normal clothes is in the flashbacks, when they wore whatever they already had in their possession. In this episode, they are provided a wardrobe by a professional fashion consultant free of charge.

So visually, the difference is striking. It resonates deeply. It’s like seeing someone in a prison jumpsuit for weeks and then suddenly they’re dressed by Oscar de la Renta (first fashion name I thought of). The symbolism is profound and powerful. As Lindsay put it, “All those tears and sweat, it makes me look good in clothes.” And when she’s an adult, she can add vomit to the list.

“As I’m standing here looking at myself in the mirror, a few things are racing through my mind,” Jeff says to the camera as we flashback.

“Fat guy in a little shirt. Fat guy in a little shirt.”

“I have a button-up on, and the buttons aren’t stressed, pulling at each other.” Wow! It’s like they knew his right size or something. What is this mad science? “I have a jacket on and I don’t need the jacket to hide the fact that the shirt doesn’t fit.” Because buying clothes that fit is hard. “This is that really sweet moment that you get to realize that all your hard work has paid off.” I gotta tell ya Jeff, I know exactly what you mean. When I finally find a shirt that fits me, I feel like “Whew, I did it.”

Sunny’s up and we get a flashback to that time she tried on a red dress, looked beautiful, but felt sad.

Sunny’s worst problem in this picture is perspective.

Then Sunny says to the camera in flashback, “My friends can wear, like, short dresses, but I can’t find clothes that I feel comfortable in. Like, even if they do fit, I don’t feel like I look good in them.” This is a subjective, not objective, reality for fat people. Think about it… last week, Sunny herself said that her mom weight cycled her way to her current weight. Do you think that if her mom looked like her daughter, she would be comfortable in that dress?

And the thing is, Sunny herself has already been weight cycling, per an interview with Yahoo!

Being overweight has been something that I’ve battled my entire life. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried diets. I’ve tried killing myself in the gym, and nothing’s worked for me. I’d seen the show in the past. I’ve seen how it’s transformed people’s lives. The changes people make on the show are as much mental as they are physical, and I was just really hoping that the show could help me with that.

Sunny is counting on Biggest Loser to have the secret to permanent change, but given it’s track record, I wouldn’t hold my breath. I just hope that Sunny can eventually be at peace with her body, rather than following in her mother’s footsteps.

Now, back in the the hideous room, Sunny wears something new.

Sgt. Pepper’s Teenage Weight Loss Club.

Sunny says to the camera, “As I’m looking at myself in the mirror, instead of, like, kind of feeling bad about myself and looking at all the flaws on my body, all I can see is just the good things about my body, and it just makes me feel really good about myself. It’s a huge difference. It means a lot.” Yes, Sunny, it does. It makes a huge difference when you can look in the mirror without feeling bad about yourself and without looking at all the flaws on your body, and dieting is not the only way to achieve that difference. It’s called self-acceptance, and it can go hand in hand with fitness and health without the focus on weight loss.

Gina’s next, and Gunn’s enthusiastic. “Gina feels youthful and sexy again, and I want her clothes to say the same thing. Yes she’s a mature woman, but no woman ever has to look matronly and Gina will not.”

Flashback to Gina lookin’ fat.

In the second picture, they were sure to get Gina in tight clothes bearing a ham.
[Click for the animated fatty twofer.]

“It’s so hard to find clothes that fit,” Gina says to the camera. “I just prefer things that are bigger on me to hide the fat, to hide the weight so people won’t see it as much. I don’t look good or feel good in my clothes now at all, at all, at all, at all.”

They do a good job of emphasizing that if you’re fat, you won’t find clothes that fit you, which is generally true in brick and mortar stores, but not so much online. In fact, I just learned about an online shop called eShakti that does custom sizing from 0 to 36W. I wonder if Gina knew about the thriving fatshion community or eShakti, would she have felt the same way?

Gunn tells Gina that he wants her to try on a leather skirt. She’s reluctant, but does it anyway and when she comes out of the dressing room, he gives her one of his signature “you look so good it gave me whiplash” looks.

It’s windy in there.

What struck Gunn so forcefully?

“That’s real leopard skin.”

“This is not anything I’ve worn in a long time,” Gina says. “

Gunn prods her, “You haven’t worn anything like this because…”

“… because I was very heavy.” Gina finishes.

“… you couldn’t fit into it.” WE GET IT, TIM!

“Right. I wore a size 20,” Gina admits. “I wore tents to court every day.”

“Well, I happen to know that the skirt is a size 10,” Gunn says, his favorite fatty size.

“Yes, it is,” Gina grins. “I noticed that.”

Gunn does the math. “So that’s half.”

“That is half,” Gina confirms. “That’s a good feeling.”

“How amazing is that?” It’s like flying to the moon!

“That’s a great feeling,” Gina says.

Unsatisfied, he asks again. “How amazing is that?” It’s like discovering the cure for cancer!

“It’s incredible,” Gina concedes. Wait, is it incredible or amazing? I’m so confused.

Gina tries on another outfit.

Golden Girls chic is all the rage. This is from the Rue McClanahan line.

“This is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me ever, and I worked so hard,” Gina says, sobbing.

“I was gonna say,” Gunn corrects her, “it didn’t happen to you — it happened because of you, and that 245-pound woman is gone.”

“Yeah, she’s gone.”

‘She’s completely gone.” Yup, dead as a doornail. We left her corpse rotting in the desert so she’ll never return again, the damned body snatcher.

Biingo’s next, and although Biingo says he wears shorts year-round and isn’t fond of long pants, this is the outfit he picks out from the offerings.

Oh.

Gunn says to the camera, “I just want Biingo to evolve in terms of his fashion — get out of those hoodies and those shorts, wear some long pants, wear a proper top. I don’t want to rob him of his teen years, but this skateboard surfer thing? I’m over it.”

Ya know what, Gunn? You diss the hoodies, you diss me. If I ever run into you in a dark alley, you better brace yourself for some good ol’ hoodie justice. I’m not really sure what that would involve, but I would probably forceably dress you in a hoodie. Probably some hoodie I never wash. Then I’ll implant a tiny bomb in the back of your skull so that if you ever took off the hoodie it would explode. So… um… watch out.

As far as shorts, when I was Biingo’s age, I lived in Umbro’s over the summer.

I’ll have to dig out a picture of my
favorite creamsicle pair that I had.

Biingo likes his second outfit enough, but I think it looks pretty good.

He looks like a child assassin.

“When I look in the mirror, it’s not bad,” Bingo says to the camera. “I wouldn’t wear it as much as my hoodie and shorts, but I’d still maybe occasionally wear it.”

Gunn tells Biingo, “You can’t be in a hoodie for the rest of your life, okay?” He’s a liar, Biingo!

“Who says so?” Attaboy!

“We’re gonna get you out of the hood, okay?” Gunn says, putting his arm around him.

Shorter Gunn: Hey kid, got your own sense of style? Let be quash that for you.

Shorter Biingo: Buzz off, creep.

Then we see Biingo tell the camera, “Losing my hoodie’s just like losing my car keys. I can’t get around without them.” I love this kid. He’s gonna be all right.

Finally, we’re on the final makeover and, of course, they saved Danni for last. When Danni walks in to meet Gunn, she gets the tinkliest music of all as they kiss cheeks. It’s kind of bizarre because this didn’t happen with any of the other contestants. It’s almost like they rehearsed it.

But if the show has favorites (and I’m sure they do), it’s Jackson and Danni. They’re fond of Jeff, they try to make Joe look all right even though he’s clearly a selfish asshole, and up until her death/rebirth ceremony in the Cult of Jillian last week, Gina was the baddie. But between Jackson and Danni, the show is definitely pushing Danni’s story the hardest. She’s the one they want the audience rooting for the most. I would bet dollars to donuts that if the Producers had their druthers, Danni would win.

So, the fact that Danni gets the most dramatic makeover segment and the most personal attention.

We flashback to Danni walking with her Dad before the voiceover:

See her fatty jeans? What a disgrace.

“I want to shop at the stores my friends shop at and I want to buy those really cute skinny jeans, but no one makes skinny jeans my size,” she sniffs, “and if they do, they don’t look right.” Of course, that could have something to do with the near-atrocity status people ascribe to fatties in skinny jeans.

Then we see Gunn waiting for Danni and finally the curtain opens.

What is that, snakeskin? Shaved oxen?

At a loss for words, Gunn resorts to pantomime.

He calls this “Witness a Horrific Murder.”

“Look in the mirror,” Gunn tells her. “Look at you.”

“Look what you’ve done.”

“This is crazy,” Danni says.

“What do you think?”

“I think it’s fabulous, Danni gushes. “I’ve never worn skinny jeans in my entire life.”

“You look fantastic,” Gunn gushes.

“I’ve never seen myself like this before.”

“This is really amazing, don’t you think?” Everything is amazing to Tim Gunn.

“I love it,” Danni grins.

Then she says to the camera, “I’ve never had that kind of reaction when I looked in the mirror. For the first time I felt like, I’m seeing who I was really supposed to be, and it just feels so good to be somewhere where I’ve dreamed my whole life of wanting to be.”

Danni is one of the 4% of successful dieters who has lost at least 20%. She’s an exception to the rule. She’s part of a sliver of those who try to achieve the Fantasy of Being Thin. And it’s the FoBT that keeps dieters coming back to the table again and again and again.

Biggest Loser is about making the FoBT look more successful than it really is. It’s about taking 15-20 people and giving them all the incentives in the world to put up with The Process, as they call it, which is the 1,200 calorie + 42 hours per week of exercise + the dehumanization process. The $250,000 Grand Prize, and the $100,000 Second Chance Prize are just one incentive, but reaching Makeover Week, which is the FoBT incarnate, seems to be at least as important as the cash.

If this is the case, then Tim Gunn is the Ambassador to the Fantasy of Being Thin.

“So, how does it feel now to be in these clothes?” Gunn asks.Danni sobs, then says, “Sorry.”

“Oh, it’s emotional. I know.” Gunn says, putting his arm around her.

“It feels amazing,” Danni wipes away the tears. “I never thought I would look like this or feel like this in my whole life.”

“And look at you,” Gunn says, gesturing to the mirror.

Well, a runner up, at least.

Then Danni says to the camera, “This experience is beyond what I thought it was gonna be, you know? I knew I was gonna try on nice clothes and I was excited about new sizes, but the way I feel walking out —” cut to Danni walking out in a new outfit.

Parting the mustard curtains.

“I feel beautiful and I’m not that athlete anymore,” Danni says. “You don’t see the beast that everyone called me.” WHAT? People called her a beast? Yeah, I would say that having people call you a “beast” would affect the way you feel about yourself. “I feel pretty. I’m wearing heels and a dress. It’s just the best feeling I’ve ever felt in my whole life, I think.” It’s the ultimate evidence that the onus is on the victim to escape from the stigma of being fat, even though this isn’t the first diet Danni’s been on. It’s just the first on national television.

Finally, Gunn tells Danni, “You are just going to be knocking people down, sideways, upside down with your fabulousness.”

Okay, I don’t mean to nitpick, but am I the only one who thinks that Gunn may be over-reacting a bit? I mean, c’mon…

“If only I could dislocate my jaw to drop it a little lower.”

Isn’t that just the asexual version of this:

I feel like his reactions aren’t suited to the moment. These attempts at looking “blown away” look more like Gunn’s witnessing a tragedy. You know, like this…

“Oh the fabulomanity!”

And then I recalled a scene from earlier this season where both reactions would fit perfectly.

“Hey Mike, we gotta get you outta those shorts and — OW!”
[Click to see Tim Gunn get bludgeoned. Click here to see the slightly inappropriate bloody version.]

I understand that for these contestants, this moment is huge and I’m happy for them personally. But what I detest is the message this sends to people, particularly the children who are watching this show. The message is simple: when you’re fat, clothes don’t fit, they’re ugly, your selection is limited, you can’t wear cool things and you should hate how you look in anything that isn’t a tent; but when you’re skinny, the clothes look good on you, you’re a beauty queen, you get to wear cool things and Tim Gunn thinks you’re fabulous. And while these are factually true statements, most dieters never get close to these results.  It’s dangling an irresistible social carrot in front of fatties to lure them into trying just one more time. This time will be the last, we promise.

And this is the message that Tim Gunn helped promote during this long and powerful segment. What a tragedy.

We then go across town to that other guy.

“Hi there, I’m that other guy.”

“I’m beauty expert Ken Paves and this is my fifth time doing The Biggest Loser,” he says. Then in come the kids.

I guess they didn’t get to keep their new clothes yet.

Ken continues, “I love doing makeovers for The Biggest Loser because I really feel like it’s a show with a conscience.” Yeah, like this.

“Now, make ‘em run till they puke!”

Danni says, “I feel like such a new person, I can’t wait to look like a new person.” I always wonder what happened to the old person. Are they kept in storage somewhere? And if you’re a severe weight cycler, do you have these old people stacked like cordwood?

And now, we’re treated to a haircut montage.

Click for haircut montage. You’ll have to provide some pop song for the background music,
since Biggest Loser blew their music license budget on this episode.

And, of course, when you’re promoting a show with a conscience, you’re sure to get a shot of your products in there.

Now available at Earl’s Supermart in Pigsknuckle, Arkansas.

“It’s been a long time since they’ve seen their family members,” Ken says to the camera. “They left completely different people, so I want them to come home the best version of themselves, and hair plays a huge role in that.” Teeth too. Don’t forget to whiten their teeth.

Ken tells Lindsay after her haircut, “You are truly beautiful.”

Then we see Lindsay standing behind Sunny, and she says, “Sunny, you actually look really pretty with your hair like that.” I gotta say, that kinda sounded like a burn, but Lindsay is sweet, so I’m sure she didn’t mean it that way. It just strikes me as funny.

“I like that,” Sunny smiles. “We look cute.”

“I know,” Lindsay smiles. They toss their hair back and forth.

Click to see them swing their hair back forth, they swing their hair back and forth.

Then, “coming up… it’s the moment the contestants, kids, and all of their families have been waiting 10 weeks for.” Followed by shots of various tribes cheering as they see their person enter for the first time.

Finally, we see Danni’s mom screaming, “Oh my god, you’re beautiful!”

Hooray! You’re not fat!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

The time has come. The time is now. Just go. Go. GO! I don’t care how.

But mostly, they fly.

Actual satellite footage.

We hear Danni in a voiceover as she takes a walk with her dad.

“The last time I was home, I was always thinking about my weight, every single moment of the day.” As she’s saying this last part, the shot ends with Danni hiking up her britches.

Click to see the moment TBL captured and chose to illustrate her words with.

Then, we see flashback footage of a camera rolling past library shelves until we see Sunny. She says over voiceover, “I was just so low on self-esteem and self-confidence and I was just, like, miserable.”

Actually, it looks like she’s studying. You know, since she’s in a library.

And these shots continue, flashback reels from pathetic days, one for each person who talks.

Click to watch the Reel of Shame.

Joe says, “When I had first arrived on the ranch, I was confused, I was lost.” I thought I was Rear Admiral Richard Evelyn Byrd.

Click to see the fatties fattin’ it up.

Jackson says, “Since day one, every day has been an uphill struggle,” as we see various shots of Jackson, Joe and Gina either in physical distress or recovery.

Click to relive the good ol’ days of delirium and whatever the hell Joe’s soaking in.
Grapes? You’re doing it wrong, Joe.

Back to the Reel of Shame, Gina says, “This is the first time in a long, long time I don’t feel like that 245-pound girl.” That’s probably because you aren’t a 245-pound girl. You have indeed, physically lost weight, but that’s about it. There’s no magic transformation that Jillian did with the coffin trick to change your personality. As Ben Folds says, you’ve got to learn to live with what you are.

“No more being the largest kid in class,” Biingo says to the shot of him awkwardly kicking a football.

And now that we’ve purged all the bad stuff, we can focus on the good. Jackson says, “To go home and show everyone how far you’ve come and how much weight you’ve lost means everything to me.”

Lindsay says, “I feel more than beautiful, I feel gorgeous.”

Jeff says, “I hope they see all the hard work I’ve been putting in.”

Finally, Joe says, “I’m back to that person that’s inside of me, that’s always been there, but now you can see it.”

His words remind of these obnoxious ads.

Yeah, these two totally used to weigh 600 pounds.

And now, the moment we’ve been building up to: their entrance.

Reunited and it feels so gooooooooood.
[Click to see the big entrances.]

And, of course, the crowd goes wild.

Click for HOORAY!!!

We then see a series of shots of family members talking about seeing their loved ones for the first time, which I present to you here in bullet form:

• Danni’s mom, Zrinka: “I was just amazed at the strength that my daughter has which is really wonderful — wonderful to see how comfortable she is in her own skin.”
• Danni’s dad, Tom: “It’s incredible to see the sparkle in her eye and the smile and the confidence. She just looks amazing.”
• Gina’s daughter, Samantha:”My mom just looks stunning. She’s always been beautiful. She’s more beautiful now.”
• Joe’s identical twin brother, Henry Jr., who has also lost weight at home during the show: “When I first saw Joe, I saw that smile, I saw his confidence, and I saw Joe. It was amazing.”
• Joe’s father, Henry Sr.: “It was like a birth again.” Ew. “You know, just a whole new person.” Yeah, got it, but I could have done without thinking about Joe’s placenta.
• Jackson’s mom, Becky: “Jackson does anything that Jackson puts his mind to. I couldn’t be more proud.”
• Lindsay’s sister, Ashley, who called Biggest Loser for Lindsay: “Lindsay seems way more confident, and she’s super happy. To see the look on her face brought tears to my eyes.”
• Biingo’s dad, Randy: “I am proud to be his dad, very proud. It goes to show that hard work does pay off.”
• Sunny’s mom, Shanthi: “When Sunny walked in through the door, I could see a spring in her step. I could see a light in her eye, and I was like, ‘Is this my daughter or a new person?’ I haven’t seen her this happy and this confident in a long time. I’m so proud of my daughter.”

Then the contestants tell their family and friends how much weight they’ve lost and they get WOO!ed.

Jackson says to the crowd, “I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and that’s something that I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.”

And Danni says, “I never saw myself that bad” cut to this shot.

No wonder she’s sad, somebody stole her sleeves!

“And then as I started going through this journey, I didn’t realize how many things I did wrong nutritionally, physically, emotionally, so that person is gone.” People WOO!

Sunny says, “I’ve started, like, to make my lifestyle more healthy. I’m just making sure that I workout every day, I eat right, hopefully, like, the things I’m doing can kind of help other teenage girls realize that they can be more healthy in their lives too and that it’s really not that hard.”

Then they all talk about how their family and friends support them and how much they love them.

Sunny says, “I feel beautiful just being happy and healthy” and her friends say “Aaaaaaaaaaaaw, you are beautiful” and rush up to hug her.

We hear Gina say, “This journey is the most I’m proud of of anything I’ve ever done.” More proud than all her professional accomplishments? More proud than raising her kids? C’mon, the proudest?

Then Jeff’s mom says, “I was proud when he graduated college. I thought that was one of the proudest moments — no, I think this is one of the proudest moments.”

With the adulation over, we cut to commercial. “Coming up… The contestants get put to the test for the ultimate prize.”

Danni reads a letter, “You’ll earn immunity at the next weigh-in?”

Sweeney says, “And they’ll get their first taste of just how challenging life will be at home,” followed by shots of drool-worthy food and the contestants eying them.

Joe says to the camera, “I’m seeing everything I used to order. This is not going to be as easy as I thought it was going to be.”

“Plus,” Sweeney says, “see how the final five take to their communities to help challenge America.”

“I challenge you to challenge yourself,” Gina says to a group of people who have gather for a workout.

“You too can be terrified of food and run your body into the ground!”

“It will save your life. It saved mine,” Gina says, as the camera zeroes in on a very large man in a black shirt watching her.

“And later,” Sweeney continues, “a surprise ending to the weigh-in that you don’t want to miss.” Shot of Gina looking sad.

Seriously, we’re totally ditching Gina this episode. Look, she’s fucking crying!

When we return from commercial break, the contestants each get a letter from Biggest Loser, which we hear each of them read in pieces.

“Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket.”

You’ll just have to picture who read what:

Congratulations on making it this far, but you didn’t really think we’d send you home without a challenge, did you? In fact, we’re sending you home with two. The first is to challenge yourself. If you can lose 5% of your body weight over the next two weeks you will earn immunity at the next weigh-in. If you don’t, you are up for elimination. There is no yellow line. Remember, the further you get in this competition, the harder it is to lose weight.

Your second task is to challenge America. Tomorrow you will lead a workout for your friends, family and community. It’s your turn to show off what you’ve learned and help your community get moving.

We then see Joe say, “Five percent of my body weight right now is 14 pounds. I’m with my friends, my family, I mean, I’m gonna be challenged, but I know that I have to get my cardio in, workout every day, and I have to watch everything I eat.”

Okay, so here’s the thing: in real life, out here in what researchers call the “free-living” world, 5% after a year is considered “clinically significant weight loss.” And on average, most dieters on pretty much every weight loss program will lost between 5% and 10% of their starting weight. The exception is very low calorie diets (VLCD) of 1,000 or less calories per day, which may maintain a slightly higher loss until year 2, when all diets look the same. And Biggest Loser is essentially a VLCD plus insane amounts of exercise, which result in rapid, enormous weight loss results.

So 5% in two weeks really isn’t that shocking of an amount. Just check out the chart of their weight weight loss percentages.

The amounts with the red line through it are the weeks that resulted in a two-week loss of less than 5% either on one side or both. In total, there are 9 instances of contestants not getting a biweekly result of at least 5%. That’s out of 40 biweekly results. So 77% of the time, contestants lost 5% or more. And since week 5, there have only been 3 failures out of 20, or a success rate of 85%, which destroys the “harder to lose weight” claim.

And I hope you’re not mistaking my message here to say that dieting is easy. It’s not. What Biggest Loser contestants do is incredibly difficult and I cannot understate how much I respect them personally for surviving such an ordeal. But the reality is that maintenance is 10,000 times more difficult, and when contestants leave the ranch they are essentially fighting the clock until they gradually lose the battle against the starvation mode that the game show triggered.

But I am saying that what Biggest Loser does is probably one of the fastest, most effective programs to fuck up your metabolism and set yourself up for long-term failure. I’m also saying that this “challenge” to lose 5% isn’t out of the ordinary for these final five contestants. But that doesn’t stop the contestants from going with the hype.

“For this challenge, I have to lose 5% of my body weight, and, for me, that’s 15 pounds,” Jeff says. “I don’t have all of the tools of the ranch, so it’s just all about keeping focused and not letting any distractions get in your way.”

“Five percent of my body weight is 13 pounds,” Jackson says. “That’s gonna be quite the challenge, especially with all the temptations that are out here in the real world.”

And, of course, Gina is terrified that if she doesn’t get immunity she’ll be voted off.

Is that enough drama for you?

The Evangelists

Now comes the part of any diet cult that everybody looks forward to: weight loss evangelism. They’ve worshipped at the feet of their Dieties, and now they’ve been sent to spread the Good News of  Jillian, Bob and Dolvett.

And where does every weight loss evangelist begin? The refrigerator.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Kraft, I will fear no mayo:
For thou art with me; Thy carrot stick and thy celery, they comfort me.”

“One of my biggest struggles at home is food,” Jackson says to the camera. “I’m definitely worried about how my eating is gonna be at home.”

Searching through the fridge, he lists the problems. “Biscuits… no nonfat milk.”

Then to the camera, he says, “My parents don’t exactly have the best eating habits, so I’m rifling through the fridge just trying to find something and there is nothing I can eat.”

Jackson calls his mom, “Like, what do we have to eat?”

His mom begins to look through the fridge, “Um…”

Why hasn’t this woman been shopping for Jackson in his absence? It’s so weird.

“‘Cause there’s not really anything in here that I can eat, I don’t think,” Jackson says.

“That you can eat?” she asks from a full fridge. “We have sausage. Can you eat sausage?”

“It’s just really high in sodium, so it makes me retain water,” Jackson says.

“There’s some lunch meat,” she says hopefully.

“What vegetables do we have?” Jackson asks.

“I have some lettuce,” she says.

“I have some lard gravy and pickled Twinkies.”

“Do you have anything but iceberg?” Jackson asks, getting slightly frustrated..

“No, just iceberg,” she says. Setting aside the nutritional aspect (iceberg being essentially water), iceberg is just boring.

“That’s okay,” Jackson sighs.

“Sorry honey,” she says.

“I have to have a talk with my mom,” Jackson says to the camera. “I have a big goal to reach. Five percent is unbelievable.” His imagination has literally snapped trying to visualize losing 5% in two weeks. “That’s an unreal number and if the kitchen looks the way it does now, I’m not going to be able to reach that.”

Then we see Jackson rummaging through the freezer. “Yikes, there’s 700 grams of sodium in the dinner pockets.”

Then gain to the camera, “If I’m the only one that doesn’t make it, then I’m going home. I don’t want that. I wanna get into the final four.”

We then see Jackson and his mom sitting at a table, as Jackson sets her straight.

“Here’s the right way to do things, and here’s you waaaaaaaaay over here.”

“One of the big things I love to eat is spaghetti squash,” Jackson tells her. “It’s a really good vegetable, it’s low in carbs. What we do is, you just cut it in half, cook it, and then it strings apart like spaghetti so instead of eating spaghetti noodles, you can make the switch to spaghetti squash and it’s really good.”

He then puts on his grocery list low-sodium marinara and ground turkey (Jennie-O, of course).

“I was focused more on fat and maybe even sugar,” his mom says, “but I didn’t realize it was sodium played such a huge role.”

“It’s just not good for you,” Jackson says. “It makes you retain water, it raises your blood pressure. Definitely avoid things that are high in fat, especially bad fats like all of the stuff in the frozen food.”

Then Jackson says to the camera, “My family is a perfect example of why obesity in this country is such a big deal.” The sodium-eating bastards. “I think most American people just don’t understand nutrition, and it’s great that we’re challenging America because I get to go home and show my family and show my community how to eat and how to exercise, and that’s awesome.” Once you’re on The Biggest Loser, they grant you a Teaching License and that you may use at your discretion.

To his mom, he says, “One of my main concerns is that I was afraid that coming back here, I was gonna relapse into my old habits of not eating all throughout the day and then binging really hard at night, and, you know, fall back into the deep-fried stuff, so…”

“Well, then we’ll take care of that,” his mom says. “You know we’ve tried a million different diets over the years.”

“Oh god, yes,” Jackson says.

“Crash diets, crazy diets, you know, and this is different than anything we’ve tried.” Yeah, they’ve never tried impossible diets. “So I’m kind of interested to see how we do.” I’m more interested to see how long you do it.

Mom says to the camera, obviously answering a question about Jackson’s baby weight as the photo collage below illustrates her words:

Actually, with Jackson, he was really small as a baby, and they kept telling me he ws underweight, so we just started stuffing him with food, and then it just went out of control from there. I show my love with food. I love to cook, I love to feed him, it’s just what we’ve always done, so it’s going to be a big change not to be that way. You love him so much sometimes, you can love him to death.

Click to see wee baby Jackson go from underweight to overweight.

Finally Jackson says to the camera, “This is a problem that everyone struggles with. Everyone struggles with nutrition. Everyone struggles to stay active. And I just want her to know that it’s not her fault. Like, there’s no one to blame.”

What I want to know more about are these diets. Like Sunny, it seems to be a family affair. I wonder how many times Jackson and his mom have lost and gained more weight each time. How old was he when he went on his first diet? Such small details can raise such important questions.

After Jackson sufficiently shames his family for their refrigerator we have a Biggest Loser followup with Alex, who has now lost 75 pounds.

Cue the angelic choirs!

“God, look how gorgeous that is,” the cameraman says. “Smile, that’s beautiful. Let me see that beautiful smile again.”

“I really don’t remember the last time that I felt this good,” Alex says. Yeah, it must be real nice to be told by random cameramen that you’re gorgeous and beautiful

As they look at shots, Alex says to the cameraman, “Months ago I never would have been able to put on a dress like that.” Of course, plenty of fat women would and do and seem to be just fine.

Finally, Alex says to the camera, “In the past, it’s like I needed my hair done or I had to have the makeup on in order to feel beautiful, so this just puts together the entire product because even though I have it today, without it, I still feel beautiful. You know, beauty really is skin deep and if you love yourself on the inside, you know, the outside will show, and I’m clearly showing it off today.” So did she not have it inside before? And what comes first, the inner or outer transformation? The answer, of course, is that weight loss releases you from under the stigma that makes your insides feel like shit. Her body wasn’t stopping her from wearing that dress, the stigma was.

There’s a commercial break and when we return, Gina’s at her favorite Mexican restaurant.

“Chips and salsa are a temptation,” Gina says to her family.

“You can eat just one,” says Gina’s daughter, Samantha.

“Could you eat just one?” Gina asks.

“No, I cannot eat just one, but if you just want to try it, it’s been a long time,” Samantha says, holding up a chip.

Gina sniffs a chip.

Watch out, Gina! Sniffing food is another way to consume molecules!

“The chips and the salsa are really hard for me,” Gina says to the camera. “I could have eaten a whole basket on my own.” Flashback to Gina eating a bucket of food.

Click to see Fatty Gina stuffing her Fatty Face because that’s what Fatties do.

“And I know that it’s going to be hard to not eat,” Gina continues, “but I had made up my mind and I was determined that I was gonna enjoy the dinner with my family and stay in my own space with food and make sure that I’m still making really good choices.”

When the server delivers Gina’s plate, it’s all ooey gooey.

Cheese, cheese and more cheese on a bed of cheese with cheese sauce.

“Baby, that looks delicious,” says Gina’s husband, Chad.

Then Gina says to the camera, “I did not order refried beans, I did not order Mexican rice, and I surely did not order chicken covered in two pounds of cheese.” Yeah, I said THREE pounds of cheese, you bastards!

At the table, Gina tells the waitress, “Let me see what I can do with this.”

Then to the camera, she says, “I want to be accommodating and I want to be gracious, but you know what? I’ve been gracious my whole life and look where it’s gotten me.”

Yeah! The real reason Gina is fat is that every time she orders a salad, they bring her buckets of cheese instead and she can’t turn it down! I find this part to be patently ridiculous. I’m a guilt-wracked lapsed Catholic who apologizes profusely for just about every perceived slight I make against others. I kind of know where Gina is coming from in this regard, but she acts damn near terrified to even say that they brought her the wrong order. Really? You can’t just tell the waitress, “Hey, this isn’t my food”?

At the table, Gina asks the waitress, “How many calories do you think it has in it?”

The waitress says, “Um, I’m not sure about that.”

And the tension-filled music builds as Gina decides whether or not to eat the wrong order.

Then to Jeff, where Jeff’s friend says, “You had to be grumpy when your calories got cut in half.”

“In half?” Jeff laughs.

“It wasn’t half?”

“Half? It got cut by, like, 90%,” Jeff says. Although he’s exaggerating, I’m really curious to know what contestants consumed prior to the show versus the 1,000-1,200 they’re living on now. Biggest Loser is the perfect opportunity to see just how accurate calories in, calories out isn’t.

His skinny friends order sampler platter and cheese fries for an appetizer.

“I don’t even know how to partake in this conversation,” Jeff says to his friends. “Talking about cheese fries and things I haven’t seen in I don’t know how long.” Then he tells the camera about his favorite food: chicken wings.

It’s all part of my chicken wing fantasy.

“There is literally one item on this entire thing that I can eat,” Jeff says, putting down the menu.

“You should get the ribs and I’ll help you,” Jeff’s friend offers.

“Hands down in my entire life, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done ever, ever, ever,” Jeff says with a sigh. Guess what, Jeff… it doesn’t get any easier.

Then to Joe who says to the camera, “When we used to go out to Portobello’s, we’d order two pizzas. Now I want to be able to go and I want to eat healthy and eat the foods that I know that are nourishing my body that are still delicious.” Because there’s nothing nourishing in pizza, kids.

Then we see Joe’s POV gaze settle on the next table over.

At this point , we know for certain that Joe will never eat another pizza again.

“What are you looking at?” Joe’s brother asks.

“I’m looking at that pizza,” Joe says.

Then he says to the camera, “I look over at the table next to me, and there I see — and just the way I used to order it — this big cheese pizza cooked to perfection, and there’s a big bowl of zuppa di pesce — all the seafood, calamari, everything over a big bed of pasta.” We get a closer look at the table.

Never again.

“You know, I look at the cheese and I look at some of the sauce, I’m like ‘Oh, that was one of my favorite dishes.’ I’m, like, going, ‘You got to be kidding me. That’s what I want.’”" Joe says.

Then Joe’s dad plays devil’s advocate. “But that can’t hurt you — pizza? A little pizza?” Hurt you? Hasn’t this man seen Spaceballs?

“You know what?” Joe tells him. “The pizza, I look at that — No, pizza can’t hurt you, a nice slice of pizza, you know? But that’s the thing. I wouldn’t stop at one slice of pizza. I’d have one slice — say, okay, I’ll have two. Next thing you know, it’s the whole pie.”

Because there’s no middle ground between two slices of pizza and the whole fucking pie. Yes, there are people with food addiction problems, but Biggest Loser presents all fat people as food addicts who must restrain entirely, lest their uncontrollable gluttony lay waste to a thousand pizzas. This just isn’t the case, but since when has Biggest Loser been concerned with accuracy?

“This is the point I’m at now,” Joe tells the camera. “I’m looking at that saying, ‘Do you want to go back to what got you there — you know, eating a whole pizza? Or do you want to do the choices that you make now?’ And to do that, yeah, it takes willpower.” And how many TBL contestants have the willpower to abstain from pizza forever? Very, very few.

Joe’s family orders off the menu and Joe looks disapprovingly at his dad who orders the veal dish that Joe loves and plus some pasta.

Then it’s Joe turn and he orders an extra large cheese pizza, and the waitress gives him a mischievous grin that I couldn’t quite capture.

“A pizza, you say?”

Cut to commercial break.

Then after the commercial, we learn that Joe was JUST KIDDING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That Joe, he’s a riot.

In reality, Joe orders snapper in light oil over lettuce with a side of steamed broccoli.

Okay, so of the three contestants we follow, all three are struggling with eating out, but we’re about to learn just how powerful their willpower really is.

When we return to Gina, they show the “I did not order…” part again.

“I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a food addiction problem,” Gina says. “So not knowing what I’m consuming does damage to my psyche. I need to know every day what I’m consuming.” I wonder how many diets Gina has been on because when people say they have a “food addiction,” it is usually the result of these cycles of restriction and disinhibition that define diets. Dieters restrict their intake so severely until their will finally breaks, and then, disinhibited, they gorge on all the “forbidden” foods they’ve denied themselves. This is not an addiction. This is a predictable outcome to an avoidable problem.

The waitress, who has been standing beside the whole time, offers to get her something else.

“Is that what you ordered?” she finally asks. “If not, I can bring something else for you.”

“You really think this is what I ordered?” Gina says, snarkily.

“Maybe I took the wrong plate,” the waitress laughs. “Let me check on the kitchen.”

This is when I begin to suspect that Gina’s dish was not an accident. Rather, I suspect the hands of TBL Producers may be behind the wrong order, as an attempt to trip up Gina, or at least provide some drama and tension.

“Every meal the next two weeks, the wrong order needs to go back,” Gina tells the camera. “I can’t be gracious, I can’t be accommodating. I’m going to have to be that person that sends the food back, and I will be.”

“That person”? You mean the person who wants to eat the food they order? Yeah, that’s most people. It’s not like the vast majority of diners will eat whatever’s put in front of them, while a few, selfish assholes are daring enough to send back the wrong food, right?

Finally, Gina gets her real meal.

Excuse me, I ordered the large bowl.

Then Gina says to the camera, “The longer I’m here, the closer I get to the weigh-in, I’m gonna be challenged every day with food issues, exercise issues, time management issues. It’s not going to get easier, but I’m resolved that the harder it gets, the tougher I’ll be.”

Then to Jeff, where all the food arrives, except his. “I mean, we don’t have that stuff at the ranch,” Jeff says to the camera. “We don’t ever cook with grease, so do I want to taste some of it just to see if I still remember if I like the taste? Or if it’s something that I would want to eat? Sure, but I know that that could be a gateway to some very bad things.”

Marijuana : Crack :: Pizza : Pizza Orgies

Then Jeff starts analyzing his friend’s cheeseburger.

The cheese, there’s not that much cheese on there. The bacon is right around 100 calories a slice. That’s 8 ounces of Angus — 300 calories for that. I don’t even know potatoes ’cause I’ve never eaten one since I’ve been there. The onion rings with the bread — dude, you’re at like — that’s easily a 1,200 calorie hamburger.

His friend ordered a cheeseburger with a side of self-righteous lecturing.

This is the last night Jeff’s friends will invite him out to dinner. Seriously, is there anything worse than the dieter who won’t shut up about how many calories everybody is eating? And yet, as Jeff admits, this kind of information isn’t really for his friends.

“My friends aren’t overweight. My friends can do whatever they want,” Jeff says, summing up thin privilege nicely. “It’s just all a part of being in the real world. You face temptation every single day and I don’t blame them for ordering what they want.”

Finally, Jeff’s food comes.

Jeff orders the Monster Salad.

Then he says to the camera, “Eating salad here is probably something I never would have done in my previous life, but we’ve seen people sent home by hundredths of a percent. I need to lose 5%, not 4.99%, so that one chicken wing, that one slice of pizza, that could be that one-one-hundredth of a percent, and it’s just not worth it.” The question is, will it be worth it when the contest is over?

And one of Jeff’s friends says, “We’re all gonna have a heart attack for Jeff tonight.” Ha ha ha! It’s funny because thin people who eat greasy burgers never die of heart attacks, get it?

Finally, we see Joe’s order come through.

Where’s the damned octopus I ordered!?!

Am I the only one who is struck by the size of these plates? Again, I suspect the hand of TBL Producers in this, as it seems like the contestants are being given HUGE portions, possibly to sabotage their efforts at eating “healthy” (defined as eating as few calories as possible). But, honestly, would it really surprise anyone if they did?

Workin’ It

Back at Jeff’s house, his sister has a surprise for him. They’ve transformed his basement bedroom into a home gym.

Click to see all the equipment they bought for him.

“Obviously this basement used to be a place that was not a healthy place, so mom and Don and everybody got together and wanted make this a healthy space for you,” she says.

“My bedroom took a 180 since I’ve been gone,” Jeff says to the camera as we see that previously-used shot of his gluttony and sloth.

Click for the Sad Fatty Twofer.

“You know, before it was the place where I was laying on my bed watching TV all day, every single day.” Then how about you get a damned job? “You know, this is great because hopefully I’ll be able to get that extra pound, the extra two pounds that maybe will push me into that 5%, or maybe, hopefully, push me just over that 5%, so I’m definitely excited to jump right into it.”

Back in Danni’s apartment, she and her dad are eating what looks like onions and tomatoes.

I don’t understand why more people don’t eat bowls full of onions.

“I really appreciate the time I get to spend with my dad,” Danni says to the camera. “He does have heart problems and he also is overweight. So the combination of the two just really backfired.”

Flashback to the walk we’ve seen her taking with her dad, then her flashback self says, “Back in February, my dad was rushed to the emergency room and they found out there was a fluid buildup over his heart and he wasn’t able to breathe. When you hear the doctor say, ‘get the whole family in,’ you know that’s not good.”

Then we see her say to her dad in the present day, “You know, it was really hard seeing you like that, and I think it was just one of those things that I will never forget and I hope you never forget, and that’s something Jillian told me. you’re never going to forget those bad moments, and you never should.”

Dad: It was one of those things that just kind of crept up on me and, you know, I wasn’t taking care of myself the way I should have, and it just all hit, and luckily I was able to pull through it.

“I hope that this whole process can get us to talk more, do more,” he says. “And if something happens like that, we have the hard conversations with each other. We’re not afraid. We’re not sugarcoating any more.”

Then Danni advocates for people to start lecturing their fat friends and relatives:

I think the hardest thing to do when you love someone is to point out their flaws or something they’re not doing well, especially when it comes to weight. Obesity is an epidemic in this country, and we need to get people to be honest with each other and not worry about hurting feelings because if you hurt my feelings, I prefer that if I know I’m gonna get healthier from it, and those are the conversations you have to have.

Of course, this all depends on your definition of “healthier.” In this instance, “unhealthy” is fat and “healthy” is getting thin. That’s stupid. In the real world, it should be “unhealthy” is unhealthy habits and “healthy” is starting healthy habits. Although I think healthism is an issue, I can respect a situation like this where family members are genuinely afraid for a person’s health. I think it’s natural to express, whether you’re talking about someone you love who’s a smoker, a drinker or a gluttonous sloth. But to make this all about pressuring fatties to diet is just wrong.

“I feel much better,” Danni’s dad tells her. “I feel the best I have in 10 years, and I know I got a long way to go.” It’s really not that long if you’re talking healthy behaviors. You can start right now, and you’re there, buddy.

Cut to commercial.

When we return, Gina’s at a community center inviting people through the loudspeaker to a community workout. Cut to a shot of the black-shirted fatty from the earlier preview.

Given to focus on this man, I get the distinct impression we’re going to see him again at the finale.

Then we see Jeff say, “I think one of the most important things to showcase is what someone can do with limited resources.”At Danni’s workout, season 11 winner Olivia Ward comes to help, and she tells the camera, “If this public workout is encouraging these people to go out and challenge their community.” At this point, the camera zooms in on another fatty.

Click to see the camera pick this one woman out of the crowd.

I’m not sure who she is, but she can also be seen in the front row of Danni’s coming home party, near her mom when she screams “You’re beautiful.” Obviously, she’s a close friend or relative of Danni’s.

Olivia continues, “And their families and their children, that, to me, encapsulates what challenge American is.”

“What I learned at Biggest Loser is you can do exercises that are free that will give you such a good workout,” Olivia then says to the crowd. “You get toning, cardio, just by using your own body.”

We then get a montage of the contestants leading their communities in jumping jacks, burpees, pushups, running, squats, and situps. Jackson says to the camera, “Challenge America is all about getting out, getting active, and just getting a little bit healthier.”

A little bit healthier? What happened to “lose ridiculous amounts of weight”?

Then we get a brief interview of the black-shirted fatty.

“They just picked me at random, I don’t know why.”

“My name is Matt,” he says. “I weigh 436 pounds. Growing up, I was very active and I just ate myself to where I am now. I just can’t believe where I came from and where I am now.”

Gina tells him as they walk up and down the gym, “Every day matters, Matt. Every day. You have a bad day, get up the next day and just do it again. Make every day matter.”

Wait, why isn’t she screaming at him and forcing him to run on a treadmill until he pukes?

“Gina’s thoroughly inspired me,” Matt says to the camera. “I want to do it. I want to lose all the pounds, get back to my normal, healthy weight. I need to for me. I need to for my family. I want to be around.” Except Matt won’t “lose all the pounds” taking these modest steps toward health. He’ll have to join TBL, use The Process, lose the weight, and then hope he doesn’t gain it back like the rest.

Then another season 11 contestant, Marci, addresses Matt, “It’s gonna take a while to change your body. It takes a split second to change your mind.”

Zeroing in on Fatty.

Then Joe gives some sensible advice: “Even if it’s walking 30, 45 minuites, that’s all it takes.”

And Gina too: “It can be 30 minutes, and if you don’t handle 30 minutes right now, you can do 15 minutes.”

Wait, you mean exercise doesn’t have to be sadistic for it to be effective? Do tell!

And Olivia, who makes money with her sister/co-contestant as motivational weight loss speakers, says, “This is actually becoming a movement and this is an opportunity that we all have to really, once and for all, change America.” No, Olivia, no it’s not. You’ve got about 6 million people watching this episode, most of whom are in it just to take pleasure in the abuse of fatties. This isn’t a movement, it’s a game show.

Finally, Olivia says to their group, “So because you guys were so amazing, you all are challenging America, Biggest Loser sent me with gifts for all of you.” Everyone cheers.

“Spirit fingers for fast food!”

Danny holds aloft the exalted Subway gift card.

“All Hail Subway! The Church of Eating Fresh! And to Jared Fogle, our Lord and Savior!”

Cut to commercial.

When we return, Sunny is having a chat with her friends.

This is so personal, what with all the cameras and lights and whatnot.

“We just wanted to chat,” one of them says.

Then Sunny says to the camera, “A few of my girlfriends just kind of pulled me aside, and they wanted to talk to me. I’ve never really talked to them about how deeply being overweight has affected my life, but I feel like I’m ready to just share my experience because I’ve progressed so much, and I can see, like, how much I’ve changed from before.”

Notice she never explicitly talks about losing weight. The problem was that she was overweight, but now, she’s changed. But what has changed? Her friends chime in without mentioned her weight loss.

“Seeing you come through those doors tonight and how, like, radiant and self-confident you were, it’s like, wow, such a big difference from who you used to be and who you are now, and I’m so happy that you can finally see how beautiful you really are, ’cause you are,” her friend says. It’s as if what Sunny has been working on for 10 weeks is her radiance and self-confidence. But these are just code words for weight loss. Lose the weight, and you become radiant and confident.

“I can honestly say, like, I was at a dark point at one time, and I hated myself, and I would do things that were self-destructive,” Sunny tells them. “I haven’t told any of you this, but to be, like, brutally honest, I even tried purging at one point. I tried it, and I’m so happy to say that I can’t, which is, like, I think God was just there for me at that point ’cause I’m so happy I didn’t develop, like, an eating disorder.”

So, we’re talking about bulimia and EDs, right? But with a little clever editing, the conversation turns. First, Sunny says to the camera, “Just to share that with them, I could see how much that hurt them and, like, I realize, like, instead of going to that dark place and, like, trying to hurt myself and hurt my body, I could have maybe just gone and talked to one of my friends.” This is a good message. Sunny was depressed about her body, but she could have turned to them for support. But watch how it shifts.

“It’s something that maybe we are kind of shoving it under the rug,” Sunny says.

“We didn’t — you know, a lot of times, you don’t know what to say,” Friend 1 says.

“Sensitive topic,” Friend 2 says. “And, I mean, it’s not like — I mean, I didn’t want to come up and say like, ‘Hey, maybe you should start working out,’ but it’s hard to come and talk to your friend about some subject like that.” Is she still talking about bulimia? Nope. They’re now talking about how difficult it is to tell a friend that they’re fat. How did the conversation go from EDs to fat talk? We’ll never know.

“Yeah, I know. I think it’s like a great lesson,” Sunny says. “I think even though it’s such a hard issue to talk about, if you approach it in the right way and let them know what’s going on, I think that’s what being a good friend is.”

Good friends tell you that your fat ass needs exercise. Of course, telling your friend she’s fat would never, ever lead to an eating disorder, would it?

After this meeting, we see Biingo meet with his sister and she says she’s proud of him. Then we shift to another Biggest Loser challenge, which is actually a commercial for Walgreens. But all I can think of during this segment is, “What the fuck is wrong with Bob?”

I can’t even begin to process this look.

Bob says, “The simple act of walking can help lower your cholesterol and blood pressure, reduce your risk of disease, help manage your weight, and even improve your mood.” What he doesn’t say is that happens regardless of whether you lose weight.

After the commercial, we see Jackson teaching his LGTBQ community about goal setting.

Mnemonic devices — The true secret to achieving your goals!

“I guess what I want to leave you guys with is make a goal for yourself and throw out all the ‘I can’t’ or ‘I won’t’ or ‘It’s not possible’ because it is possible” so long as you’re sequestered on a TV game show where you’re starved and pushed beyond your physical limits every single day. And what’s the most important goal someone can make in their life?

See, the problem with most people is they are too vague. That’s why diets fail.

“This is about moderation,” Jackson says to the camera, clearly not understanding that Biggest Loser is the opposite of moderation. “It’s about budgeting my time. I’ve spent my time with them that I need to spend with them, and now I need to spend my time at the gym.”

And so we see the contestants self-training in an exercise montage to beat all montages.

Click to see how the contestants worked six-hour workouts into their “real” lives.

During this segment, we learn that Danni has two jobs, and we’re led to believe that during this two-week trip home she is also working at both jobs.

We also see Henry and Joe challenge each other to lose 15 more pounds.

Then, of course, there’s lots of talk about the 5% and how it’s all their fault if they don’t get it. And now, just before another commercial break, the Moment of Truth.

The Moment of Truth

The contestants say goodbye to their families and fly back to the ranch.

See how we can keep them in the air like that, now that you’re not fat?

Back at the ranch, we see a good omen.

The Lord loves Biggest Loser.

We’re then treated to a montage of concern from the trainers:

• Dolvett: “This is it, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.
• Jillian: “It’s the week they all go home, which is the ultimate test.”
• Bob: “We’re all walking into this weigh-in with one objective: you’ve got to hit 5% to be immune.”
• Dolvett: “Now, as these contestants have been home on their own, if they get on the scale, and the proof is in the pudding.”
• Jillian: “I’m really hoping these guys pull it off. Put up or shut up, guys. Now’s the time.”

I’m intrigued by Jillian’s last comment. Wasn’t she the one who freaked out last week because Jackson volunteered to go home? It seems like he “put up” the week before, and she was none too pleased by it.

We then see Allison Sweeney wearing her nicest leather dress.

“It’s S&M Day at the ranch.”

“While you were away, I issued you a challenge,” Sweeney says, confirming that she’s the evil mastermind behind it all. “What you did for the past two weeks could determine your entire future in this game.”

And, oh, everyone fusses and frets.

“This is tough,” Sweeney continues. “Two weeks on your own we have seen people struggle at this point having come so far. They just fall short.”

Bob chimes in. “I gotta tell ya, I just keep being reminded of last season with Chism, and they had to lose 5%, and everyone got immunity except for Chism.”

Shame on you, Chism, for only losing 11 pounds. I weep for your soul.

“There was not a dry eye in this room,” Bob continues, “and I just really hope and pray that history does not repeat itself.” Please, Baby Jesus, help the fatties abstain from their buttersticks.

Danni begins the weigh-in by telling the camera, “I keep saying i did everything I could, but then i start to second guess it and the one thing that’s lingering in my mind is, you know, I had to go back to two jobs. I had to deal with, you know, the pressures of family, and finding the balance of time was really difficult.” I call bullshit. There is no way that Danni worked her regular hours at her two jobs while still competing. It’s more likely that she showed up for a photoshoot, then continued her 6 hours/day regimen.

Anyway, with each weigh-in, we get to see the before and after shot.

Click for this week’s before and after series.

To earn immunity, Danni has lose more than 9 and she loses 10.

Jackson’s next and he tells the camera, “I just saw Danni skate by, and Danni consistently pulls good numbers. I have not consistently pulled good numbers, so now I’m getting a little bit nervous.”

Oh the drama!

Jackson needs to lose more than 12 pounds and he loses 15 pounds.

Jillian says, “I’m thrilled for Jackson, but I’m not surprise ’cause I do have a lot of faith in him at this point.” Bear in mind that in the chart I included above, Jackson is the only contestant who has missed a biweekly total of 5% for 3 out of the 9 times I mentioned. He’s the most inconsistent of the remaining contestants, and has routinely lost small amounts of weight. But, of course, Jillian’s measuring stick is “beyond the scale.”

“That means a lot coming from Jillian,” Jackson laughs.

“I’ve seen your commitment,” Jillian assures him. “I’ve seen your dedication. I’ve seen you come through time and time again, and it’s like you seem like you’re in a really good space, and you seem like you get it and you want it and you’re passionate about it and I just — I feel good about where he’s at.”

Then Jackson says to the camera, “You know, I look back at the days when I was passed out on the ground and, you know, bent over a puke bucket, and I can’t believe that that same kid has now almost lost 100 pounds. Like, I still surprise myself every single day.”

And here’s the interesting part: Sweeney tells him, “Jackson, since America first saw you weigh in 10 weeks ago, you have lost 93 pounds.”

Ten weeks ago? But they were just gone for two weeks. So, really, it’s 11 weeks ago, if anything.

Next up, Joe needs to lose more than 13 pounds and he ends up losing 17 pounds, and there’s this weird, awkward laugh from everyone.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Then Dolvett says, “Joe’s a different guy up there. I haven’t seen him smile this consistently since he’s been here, and it’s great to see you’ve lost the weight exterior, but I think the majority of the weight interior is shedding off, as well.” Somebody’s missed having his Biggest Loser Moments!

We then hear Joe share the message of the week, “I just got to prove to America that, hey, you can do this. I left the ranch for two weeks and I did it. So can you. Get started. Let’s do this.” There’s nothing more reliable than game show science!

Again, Sweeney says, “Joe, since America saw you weigh in 10 weeks ago, you have lost 120 pounds.”

Next, Jeff has to lose more than 14 and he loses 19.

“This is the guy that we’ve all been waiting for,” Bob says. “I mean, we’ve been waiting for this one that’s just gonna be so driven on a daily basis and take advantage of every single minute of the day. I hope that we just, like, bottle this up and just drink it ’cause you need it, Jeff.” And Jeff, if you can bottle that up, Bob and Jillian will be happy hawk it on the supplement market.

“Have I mentioned how much I love flannel? I’m kind of a flannel freak.”

Finally, Gina’s up, and Sweeney knits her brow as she asks how she feels on the scale.

Sweeney’s concern face looks like it hurts.

“I’m just extremely nervous,” Gina says. “I’ll be really disappointed in myself if I don’t prove to America that you can do it on your own, and that was my goal.” She starts to sob. “And so for me to stand up here tonight and not have done it at home, I’m gonna be so disappointed in myself, but I do know that I did everything. I did not rest one day. I ate everything I was supposed to eat and nothing else, and if I didn’t hit my 5%, then it’s just not meant to be.”

Gina has to lose more than 8 and she loses…

COMMERCIAL TENSION BREAK!

When we return, Gina loses 10 pounds. In reaction, Gina thanks the person who is really responsible for her weight loss.

“Well, I had some time between the healings and the peace-keepings, so you’re welcome.”

The fact the Gina was worried at all frustrates Jillian.

“Dude, it’s not like your chance at winning a quarter-million dollars was on the line or anything.”

I mean, like, I understand you kind of want to negate and god forbid and just in case and you just don’t want to jinx it ’cause I do that all the time and it drives him insane and it’s like, sometimes it’s okay to just say, like, “I got it. I did it. I handled it. I got it under control.” And you do, honey. You do and you did and you are, and it’s awesome.

Anybody else remember episode 8 when Gina lost four pounds in a week and Jillian reamed her because it was “not a Gina number”? But five pounds a week is awesome? Oh, that’s right, we’ve redeemed Gina from the coffin and she’s no longer on the shit list. Everything Gina does from here on out is heroic.

“Yeah, I’m very proud of myself for the first time in a very long time,” Gina cries. “No, forever. I’m prouder of myself now than I’ve ever been in my whole life.” Of course, this is also the saddest statement she’s ever made her whole life too.

“I feel like the one thing that I still see in Gina is — and I think a good thing — I mean, she works very well under pressure and that’s a good thing in this house when it comes to the longevity of you being here.” WHAT?!?!? Gina works well under pressure!?!?! How — What — Who the fuck are you talking about? This is the woman who is repeatedly told that she can’t “handle it” when Bob’s an ass to her or when Jillian screams at her for no reason. Now she’s grace under pressure? WTF?

Gina says to the camera, “I want America to know that you can do it at home because I didn’t believe you could. I didn’t believe that you could, but I know you can.” And we see her squeal:

Wow, two weeks at home proves everything Jillian says is Gospel Truth!

In the end, everybody has immunity.

And Gina still has highest total weight loss of the group.

“This season’s filled with rock stars,” Dolvett says to the camera. “Every time I turn around, I see another reason that I should smile about these individuals. It says a great deal from my side as a trainer that the message, the yelling, the motivation, it’s paying off, and that’s a good thing.”

The motivation? Ugh. I’ve absorbed the “motivation” they give for 10 literal weeks now and I’m not sure that has anything to do with it. Fear? Sure. Intimidation? Absolutely. Threats and harassment? Yup. But motivation? Meh.

So all the contestants get to stay on campus for the final weeks, but Sweeney has one final twist to share. The two biggest losers will guarantee a spot in the finals, while the other three will be in peril. Whoever loses the lowest percentage will fall below the red line and be automatically eliminated. The third and fourth place contestants will fall below the yellow line and America will vote on who leaves. Of course, Gina immediately begins freaking out about getting voted off because, well, America hates Gina.

But for now, the contestants are satisfied that they have provided definitive proof that anyone, anywhere can lose weight just like they did. Nevermind the fact that very few of their contestants actually keep it off.

In any case, this week’s Biggest Dickweed is Tim Gunn. Yeah, he’s not going to be on any more episodes, but he was so terrible that he gets to be a special guest dickweed this week.

If you think this is wrong, sign the petition to stop Biggest Loser and join our boycott.

Previous recaps

• Prequel — Paging Dr. Dolgoff
• Episode 1 — The Biggest Dickweed
• Episode 2 — Reclaiming Worth
• Episode 3 — Crossfire Hurricane
• Episode 4 — Cognitive Dissonance
• Episode 5 — Abracadabra
• Episode 6 — Mystery Tramp
• Episode 7 — Valentine’s Day Massacre
• Episode 8 — Queen Bee
• Episode 9 — Fear and Loathing

Trigger warning: This post thoroughly discusses an episode The Biggest Loser, including the abusive bullshit as well as the weigh-ins.

As you read this, the end is in sight. Tonight, the final episode will air and this season’s Biggest Loser will come to a close just in time for Biggest Loser commercial season to begin, including the much-anticipated Subway commercial featuring this season’s Biggest Loser and a former contestant as well. Subway is probably one of Biggest Loser‘s biggest corporate partners if exposure is any indication.

Why Subway would want to associate their sandwiches with the Pukefest that is Biggest Loser is beyond me. Perhaps they’re hoping fans of the show will say, “Boy, watching these contestants regurgitate the contents of their stomach makes me realize just how empty mine is. I sure could go for a sammich!”

Now that’s what I call synergy!

But those are just the early days of Biggest Loser. Maybe Subway increases its exposure on the show as we get into the later weeks, when contestants stop puking. I mean, even Jackson has finally put his vomitous ways behind him, having told the camera last week, “You know, I look back at the days when I was passed out on the ground and, you know, bent over a puke bucket, and I can’t believe that that same kid has now almost lost 100 pounds. Like, I still surprise myself every single day.”

I don’t know, I can’t think of Biggest Loser without thinking of puke, so I’m not sure how that helps Subway. But they’re clearly on board with everything Biggest Loser is about, especially considering the visits from Jared, the Subway worship, and the upcoming commercial:

Hail Jared, full of grace, the Subs are with you.
Blessed are you among fatties and blessed is the fruit of thy pants, humongous.

The main reason Subway founder Fred DeLuca hitched his wagon to Biggest Loser is for Week 11, when the contestants are near their final goal, looking thin and active, sounding happy and confident. This is the payoff of all the blood, sweat, tears and vomit. This is what makes putting up with Jillian and Bob worth it. Now Jillian can be mostly happy with the contestants and Bob can get all sentimental about how awesome everyone has always been. This is the last mile of the marathon, on the brink of victory, and Subway is there to hand you a sandwich as you cross the finish line!

Founder Fred DeLuca prepares to devour his 12-incher Shaggy-style.

Subway is banking on you coming away with all the good time fun of the last three episodes, from Makeover Week onward. They’re counting on the good times eclipsing the verbal abuse, injuries and bodily fluids that comprise 75% of the show.

And so far, they’ve been pretty successful. But it’s still a gamble. Will it pay off?

Time will tell.

Defending Your Life

The “Previously” segment includes Danny crying as she says, “I never thought I would look like this or feel like this.” There’s a bunch of other stuff that happened last week too, which we already saw, so fuck that noise and let’s roll this shit.

The contestants are sitting around the kitchen table joking about how Danni doesn’t always win or something. Then they talk about the red and yellow lines with red being the smallest loser being automatically eliminated and the yellow being the two smallest losers who get voted on for elimination. This week, the contestants would first face a red line, then a yellow line with the six million viewers voting for who to eliminate.

Gina says to the camera, “Danni is my biggest competition. Danni and I both lost the same amount of weight [last week]. We didn’t lose any extra weight, so we both have some pounds in us that we can lose this week. The boys went balls to the wall” Oh did they? “and, um, they probably lost a little bit more than they should have being that this last week is the most important.” It’s cute how Gina acts like the weight loss on this show is strategic. Like they’ve  been plotting each week how much they would lose in because they know how weight loss works.

Not one week went by where some contestant lost a disappointing amount of weight and a trainer said, “This does not reflect your effort” or, conversely, another contestant lost more than expected causing Jillian to sigh heavily and dismiss their results. That’s why it’s so hilarious that Gina makes it sound like she and Danni intended to lose 10 pounds over two weeks so they could lose an even greater amount during the episodes that really counted.

“This is the last week,” Jackson says to the other contestants. “We have seven days to pull it out.” Seven days, more or less. Depends on the weather.

“Honestly, after day one,” Jackson says to the camera. “I never thought I had a shot at it, and now I’m this close to clenching that title, and I want it more than anything in the world.” Actually, Jackson has very little shot at it. Danni and Gina have lost the most by far. Joe is slightly behind. But Jeff and Jackson would have to lose ridiculous amounts of weight to beat them.

We then see the contestants walking up to the gym on the first day.

We hear Jackson say, “I remember day one I couldn’t even walk up this hill and now we’re just charging it like animals.”

Yup, they pretty much run like animals everywhere.
[Click to see them run like an antelope out of control.]

Joe says, “No.” Me neither, Joe. Me neither.

The contestants learn that “some friends” are going to join them for the week.

Say hello to my little friends.

“They look so good and fit,” Danni says. “We’re here to challenge America and childhood obesity is an epidemic, and we need to stop it, and these are the kids that are gonna get it going, and I am so proud of them.” Yes, clearly childhood obesity has just been waiting to  be solved by Lindsay, Sunny and Biingo. No pressure, kids.

“Before we start our first workout,” Jillian says, “we’ve got a little surprise for them.” It’s a movie theater where they’re going to watch footage from the past “11 weeks.”

This is where the whole “Defending Your Life” reference pays off.

“We thought it would be really nice to show them the progress that they’ve made from day one,” Jillian says.

Then they rigged up the kids with their special “thinking helmets.”

Watch carefully, kids.

Then Sunny says to the camera, “When me, Biingo and Lindsay started the show we were so unhealthy. We were the poster child for childhood obesity.” Cut to posters of them being childhood obesity.

Don’t be another statistic. Don’t be fat like Lindsay.

See what happens when we tuck in Biingo’s shirt? Don’t be a Biingo. Don’t be fat.

Sunny is so fat she needs a stick to walk up a mountain path. Don’t be so fat you need a stick for hiking, kids.

“So, just to see where I was in the past, that’s not going to be easy,” Sunny finished.

The movie begins with Sunny in that red dress that has now been used umpteen times to drive home the point that being fat is a terrible, terrible curse.

Remember kids, life is a movie so when you’re fat, every shameful moment is on display.

She says to the camera, “Sometimes I wish I could enjoy being a kid and, like, be comfortable and confident because I don’t feel like that.” Because fat causes lack of confidence naturally, don’t you know. It’s not like it’s a consequence of stigma or anything.

We then see Sunny reacting to herself in the red dress.

Sunny contemplating herself.

Then we see Biingo saying, “I love to play baseball with my friends, but I can’t throw as fast as they can, I can’t run as fast as they can.”

There’s no such thing as a fat athlete, kids. Stay thin if you want to be good at sports.

“And it just really hurts me because I really feel like I can be this good athlete but my weight’s just holding me back so much,” Biingo says. Then we hear him talk about bullies. “With being heavier, I do get the insults. I just want to be a normal kid of normal weight that doesn’t get made fun of.” Kids get made fun of all for all kinds of thing, so he’s not out of the woods yet, but right now the atmosphere is such that being fat is the worst thing a kid can be. Bullies not only reflect that national contempt for fat people, but they even get to feel morally superior and justify that they’re tormenting fat kids for their own good.

Which bring us to Lindsay, who quit her gymnastics team because she was bullied for her weight.

“I’ve always loved gymnastics,” says Lindsay as we see the clip of her watching the cheerleaders practice.

She’s watching the cheerleaders. It’s so cute.
[Click to see the sad time twofer]

In the cases of both Biingo and Lindsay, we’re led to believe that it was their fat that kept them from being good athletes. But it isn’t the fat itself that keeps a kid from being a good athlete. Being inactive can keep you from being a good athlete, but more so, innate talent. I wasn’t a fat kid by any stretch of the imagination, I was extremely active, and I sucked at sports. I was a terrible athlete without any fat holding me back.

And yet, I had a great time playing sports because playing sports is fun. We don’t need to teach kids that being fat holds them back from playing sports. If anything, we should be promoting sports because they’re just good for all kids, not as an inducement to lose weight.

But the major difference between my childhood and Biingo’s is that in this day and age, sports are not considered a fiscal priority for most schools, since we aren’t investing in them (but that’s another post for another day). Biingo does play sports, but I’d be curious to see a kid like Biingo play live, not just in clip form, before and after his weight loss to really be able to grasp how his ability is improved. Finding footage of Biingo screwing up or Lindsay being terrible at cheerleading is easy when you’re recording a lot of footage. Could the footage of thin Biingo playing be edited to look equally doofusy? I’m betting so.

We then see Dolvett asking Lindsay, “Tell me when you tried out for the cheerleading squad and when you used to be bullied.”

“They would just say really hurtful names,” Lindsay says. “I would get really sad in class and, like, I would just hold back the tears sometimes.”

Then Sunny says, “I always feel like people are looking at me and judging me for my weight.”

Lindsay says, “When you pass by and they say something and everyone starts laughing.”

And Jillian says, “I promise that when you choose to stop believing in the things they say is when it will all stop.” It’s called the Neener Neener Defense (NND) and it’s clinically proven to stop bullies 93% of the time.

“We have a responsibility to give the younger generation every opportunity to succeed,” Jillian says to the camera. “Right now,” cut to those clips of Biingo stuffing his face with ice cream and Sunny with M&Ms) the odds are stacked against them. This is not going to be easy for any of the kids. Being obese is real hard, emotionally and physically.” Yeah, Jillian knows what she’s talking about because of that one photo in Redbook of her being morbidly obese.

Wow, look, she’s wearing dark, bagging clothes and hugging her stomach. She must be ENORMOUS!

We then see Bob in the theater wearing this shirt.

It’s another Crossfit shirt that has to do with the training schedule some trainers recommend. Ironically enough, the recommendation they make for “Overweight Orville” are significantly different than what Biggest Loser does.

So Biggest Loser contestants are treated like Firebreathing Frank from Day 1, which explains all the puking and injuries and this photo that Biggest Loser posts proudly on it’s Pinterest page:

What is Gina doing? Why is she lying on her back with her foot propped up? PTs? Nurses? Doctors? Theories?

We then see footage from Lindsay’s bullying lecture in episode 6′s challenge. Then Lindsay to camera: “I do feel a change in my life right now. It’s been a very hard journey, but my journey has been getting easier and easier. I’m just happy that I’m a new teenager, I can start all over again.”

Then we see the scene with Dolvett calling in the cheerleaders in episode 4, when they brought the Fantasy of Being Thin to life with Lindsay practicing with them.

I love this screen cap. She’s so earnest.

“Being on the Biggest Loser I’ve changed a lot, not just physically, but mentally,” Lindsay says to the camera, portending a weight cycling future as well.

We also see the footage from episode 4 when Jillian suggested that the overworked Sunny join the Pittsford crew club with it’s two-hour daily commitment, five days a week. We also see her

We then see Sunny says, “I’ve always had this little voice in the back of my head telling me, ‘You can’t do this.’” Halfway through that statement, we see footage from episode 7 when she took a Bollywood dancing class. As you hear Sunny say, “You can’t do this,” we cut to footage of Sunny laughing, presumably at the footage of her dancing. Jillian is laughing too.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Happy Jillian scares me more than Mean Jillian. Mean Jillian just makes me laugh because she takes herself so damned seriously. Happy Jillian often seems really, really, really trying for Jillian. Case in point:

Click to see awkward Jillian’s awkward grimace-laugh.

I’ve created a double-time version as well. But if you want to see some good ol’ fashioned nightmare fuel, check out this glimpse into my own personal hell.

KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!
[Click to get it, and no, I am not advocating for someone to kill Jillian Michaels.
Just riffing on the nightmarish nature of the GIFness]

I know. I feel terrible, and yet I must spread the pain or else the image consumes my soul. The same will happen to you unless you share it with someone in the next 15 minutes.

Mua ah ah ah ah ah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Then Sunny says, “I shut that voice up and I did exactly what I wanted to.”

We then see footage from the reunions again. Sunny says, “The journey so far hasn’t been easy, but I have been making these changes and I feel great. I feel healthy, I feel fit, and active.” Relatively speaking, losing weight isn’t the hard part, which I’m pretty sure Sunny already knows. Her mom does too.

Then Lindsay says, “I guess the old Lindsay was never confident in herself.”

That’s a good look for Lindsay.

“She never thought that she could do anything,” Lindsay continued the old me/new me metaphor that dieters love. “But now the new Lindsay is like, ‘Guess what, old Lindsay?’” She makes a whooshing noise. “‘I just kicked you in the butt.” It’s a cute moment and we immediately see Dolvett cracking up.

Dolvett needs to watch Mystery Science Theater or something. DIal it down, man.

Then we see them laughing more proportionately together.

That’s more like it. Get out and see a movie sometime. There’s a life outside the gym.

We’re then transported to Biingo’s reunion, where somebody tells him, “You’re such a stud!” which is the boy equivalent of “You’re so beautiful!”

“No more being the largest kid in class,” Biingo says to the class. “No more being the kid in the class that gets made fun of. When I look in the mirror I see Biingo. that’s all I see. And I’m happy to see me.” Bullying as motivation for weight loss. Bloody brilliant.

“I really think that I’ve been missing out on this happiness in my childhood,” Sunny says to the camera. “So you’ll be seeing a lot more of my smile in the future.”

The end.

“That was emotional,” Sunny says. “What I see of myself right now is that there’s nothing that can stop me from doing what I choose to do and not what other people want me to do.” I think that’s a good message to get out of it. And I hope that’s what she really takes out of this whole experience, and not just the diet mentality.

“It’s great to look back and to see not only physically have I changed,” Sunny says, “but I’ve grown so much emotionally and mentally.” Unless and until she regains the weight, that is. In other words, it’s a bandaid contingent upon one of the most difficult things a person can do: long-term weight loss maintenance. Real emotional and psychological change needs to withstand a damn-near-inevitable regain. Focus on healthy behaviors, not weight loss, and you can find a balance between weight loss diets and sustainable long-term lifestyle changes.

“All I’ve really wanted to get you to do is get out and be more active with your friends,” Bob says to Biingo. “You can do so much when you put your mind to it.” It’s true and it’s a nice sentiment. But it sounds like Biingo was being active with his friends before, he just felt like he wasn’t very good at sports. According to Dr. Splenda, the solution to his problem wasn’t to practice to get better. It was a diet, plain and simple.

“I’ve learned so much here on The Biggest Loser,” Biingo says. “You can’t just give up, and you gotta keep working towards whatever you want. But you gotta eat healthy and push yourself as hard as you can.”

“Eat healthy’ is code word for diet. I know lots of thin people who eat healthy. My mother-in-law the hummingbird, for example. And she certainly doesn’t follow some dumb rule about eating “bad food” only two times a week. She eats a healthy balance, which includes something tasty every day. Telling a kid they can eat one slice of pizza and one slice of cake per week is a diet, whether you teach them about calories or not. Whether the kids speak the lingo, their bodies are still subjected to caloric restriction in an attempt to lose weight (aka a diet).

How long will 13-year-old Biingo be able to push himself as hard as he can? How long will Lindsay avoid the cruel words of life’s inevitable off-camera bullies? How long will Sunny keep her schedule light enough to maintain her rigorous workout regimens, particularly when she goes to college?

“Lindsay, I have to tell you something,” Jillian says. “Watching you get up in front of your entire class and bare your heart and soul about how hurtful being bullied has been for you, it brought me back to that place of being a kid and feeling that way, but never having the strength to say so. And to see you is inspiring. I mean, it inspires me as a 38-year-old woman. I mean, you are a force to be reckoned with, sweetheart.”

Yeah, maybe someday Lindsay will grow up to be a personal trainer who gets her own reality show and the opportunity to pay forward all the bullying she endured as a child. It’s the Circle of Bully Life.

“These kids are heroes,” Jillian says to the camera. “They are improving the quality of life for other people as well as themselves. And they can be so inspiring to so many.” Until they aren’t, and then what? They’re children. They aren’t role models. Telling a teenager, “You are a national role model for healthy behavior” is a huge burden to put on them. It’s irresponsible to say the least.

All it means is that their diets were successful and some parents are going to try putting their fat kids on diets and be surprised that they can’t get it to work forever, and the kid regains more weight. A lifelong cycle begins.

Everyone hugs in the movie theater, and the segment ends. Then we’re told what’s coming up by Alison Sweeney. “The contestants push it to the limit, but at what expense?” You’re only asking this question now?

Gina’s running on a treadmill, wincing in pain, when she doubles over in pain and crying, “Ow, God. My foot snapped.”

Then, we see a picture of a young, thin girl playing baseball. Brianna used to weigh “almost 200 pounds,” accompanied by a photo of her being fat in a swimsuit.

Then her mother says, “I knew I just had to step up and do something about it.”

This should end well.

Virginia Slims

“You’ve come a long way,” Dolvett says. “You got a long way to go.” The contestants are working out like all the times they’ve worked out before. Exercise montage, exercise montage, inspirational phrases. Jillian doing wheelbarrow with Danni on the treadmill.

This would be more entertaining if Jillian made her walk around outside like this.

“We’re in the final week before the finale,” Bob says. “I’m really proud of these final five. I mean, they have worked really hard, deserve to be here.”

We then see Jillian doing her motivational speaking thing as Danni jumps rope.

Skip, lady, skip!

Wait a second, who is that back there?

I’m lost. Mother?

Wait a second, that gait looks familiar. Good thing I’m using SuperComputer.

SuperComputer, enhance photo of this mystery man.

Not Photoshopped.

Goodness gracious! Photographic evidence of Big Fat Foot! I’ve heard he wanders the campus of Biggest Loser Ranch looking for the weak and pitiful to drag back to his lair where he cocoons them in a layer of his saliva and smegma to devour through the winter months. That’s what happened to season 2 contestant, Kathryn Murphy, who disappeared after the second week without a trace.

If you see this woman,
please contact NBC immediately.

“Are you going to lose this weigh in.”
“Never.”
“Have you come this far to lose this weigh-in?”
“Too far.”
“Are you gonna stop?”
“Nope.”

And then Jillian walks to the side where she says in one of the weirdest voices I’ve heard from her, “Faster, dude, go! Faster!” Not only that, but she hunches up her shoulders until she looks like she has transmogrified into her true form: a troll. It made me laugh so hard that for the first time of these recaps, I’m creating a video capture of it to commemorate the moment.

But just in case my fair use claim doesn’t hold, I’ve created animated GIFs for all. Hooray!

Click to see Jillian hideous transformation into a mythical troll.

It wasn’t until extracted this video and created the gifs that I noticed that Jillian wasn’t just turning into a troll. She was straight up staring at Danni’s boobs!

“Harder, dude! Bounce harder!”

It becomes really obvious with a troll-only gif.

This is clearly Jillian’s favorite exercise.

Which led me to one obvious conclusion:

There’s no denying it. Sorry.

“Danni’s come really far,” Jillian says to the camera. “Week 1, I could barely keep her in motion.” Cue the first of the Week 1/Week 11 shots of contestants in the gym before and after the weight loss.

Click to see Danni barely in motion and then in slightly more motion.

And as Jillian says, “And now there’s nothing today this girl can’t do” we see her do this:

Click to see Jillian mount Danni like a rented mule.

As if that weren’t enough, they show Jillian in her spiffy leather jacket saying, “I am going to give this girl everything that I’ve got.”

EVERYTHING!

Jillian is openly gay, so either she’s got the hots for Danni or else the editors are fucking with us. I’ll leave it up to you to decide.

When Jillian says she’s going to give Danni everything she’s got, they show us this.

That’s not how a ladder works, Jillian.

“When all is said and done,” Jillian says, “I want to know that I did everything I could and I want her to know that she’s done everything that she could. And I want to finish this with her.” I’ll bet she does.

We then see Dolvett with Joe and Jackson who are doing some kind of rowing machine.

“Grand total so far that you’ve lost Jackson Carter?” Dolvett barks.

“93.”

“Grand total –”

“One two zero,” Joe interrupts Dolvett’s mojo, but Dolvett keeps talking over Joe. “– pounds you’ve lost so far?” Then he says, “That’s what I’m talking about.”

Then we see Dolvett talking to the camera.

He looks like that creepy old lady/psycho killer in “Don’t Look Now.”

“I see a tremendous difference between the contestants that were here Day 1,” Dolvett says as we see a shot of Jackson’s before and after gym shot.

Click to see what a difference “11 weeks” makes.

“Day one, I saw fear, I saw doubt,” Dolvett says. “Today I see power, strength, belief, determination. Now I can do things with the contestants I haven’t done.”

Things like crawling around on all fours. Never before has training been this intense!

“And I’m going to test to see how strong they are,” Dolvett says.

Then we see Jackson say to the camera, “The fact that, not only do I have to survive a red line, but I have to survive a yellow line to guarantee myself a spot on the finals is weighing heavily on my mind.” And the reason Jackson says that is because he’s about to manifest that concern in a physical way.

First, he makes a hoerking noise, as you would if you were in danger of throwing up.

There ya go, sniff you’re armpits. Everything’s fine.

“Easy, easy,” Dolvett tells him. “Breath for me.”

Click to see the futile pacing.

“All of the sudden, I start to get really nauseous,” Jackson says as we see a shot of him jumping up and down, because that’s how you stop yourself from puking, I guess. “I step away for a second thinking, ‘Nope, it’s not going to happen. It’s week 11, I am done with this.’”

Then as Jillian watches Danni workout, she hears Jackson starting to retch.

Jillian’s emetophilia gives her a highly sensitive puke-dar.

“Oh no, Jackson,” Jillian laughs as he pukes into a sink.

They had the sink specially installed just for Jackson this season.

“I’ve been throwing up since I’ve been here,” Jack says to the camera. They show a picture of Jackson throwing up Week 1, which made me think that Jackson’s before and after exercise picture should look like this.

Click to see how far Jackson has come in “11 weeks.”

They also show this awesome pic of Joe trying not to smell Jackson’s puke while he works out.

“The Subway burns my nose.”

“My body is really acidotic,” he says. “Any time I have an intense workout, I’m just going to throw up. I have to look at that in the face every single time I work out.” There’s a couple things to unpack from this.

First, he’s referring to lactic acidotisis, which is caused by the blood cells not getting enough oxygen due to vigorous exercise. The simple solution is to engage in moderate exercise. Of course, you can’t, you won’t, and you don’t stop busting your ass on the ranch lest Big Fat Foot comes after you. And so Jackson has resigned himself to a vomitous, but thin, future. That raises the question of whether that’s really sustainable.

It turns out that it is. And do you know why?

Because if getting fit means throwing up every time you exercise, then you may as well make the best of your lactic acidosis. And what better way to enjoy some hard-earned regurgitation than to excrete a meal that’s as good coming up as it was going down.

Try the new braunschweiger and sun-warmed mayonnaise sandwich!

Or maybe it’s the Subway sandwiches that are doing Jackson in. I mean, there was this photo from last year.

Just the smell of their fresh-baked bread makes Jackson gag with delight.

And, of course, there was his brief career as a sandwich artist.

Um… hold the onions.

Turns out, other dieters soon requested Jackson’s services to help them dress up their meals in a way that helps reduce their caloric intake significantly.

Now, instead of eating, they’ll just throw up! Negative calories!

Like Jared, Jackson’s sandwich-and-puke diet spread like a virus until DeLuca himself was getting “The Jackson.”

The fresher the better.

And of course, there was episode 8 when Jared came to visit.

“That’s not gonna come out, man.”

Now with his successful run on Biggest Loser, Subway has replaced Jared with Jackson for their new campaign:

When you think Subway, think vomit. Jackson’s fresh, warm, chunky, acidotic vomit. If you do, and I hope you do, then my job here is done.

And here’s the kicker about this whole Jackson puking thing: it isn’t even the grossest moment. You want to know what’s grosser than Jackson throwing up in a sink?

This.

Emetophiliac orgasm achieved.

As we hear Jackson gagging, we see Jillian smiling and laughing. But the camera barely catches her mirthful cheer at Jackson’s ongoing nausea.

Puke = Happy

Long-time readers may remember this similar picture from this post, where Jillian grins big after a contestant pukes on the first day. This is also the post where I quote Jillian as saying, “A lot of times they throw up and it’s because they have a lot of toxins stored up in their body.” This is also the one where she tells the camera, “I”m proud that I made him vomit.”

Jillian Michaels is one sick and stupid individual.

So Jackson groans in frustration, and Dolvett, who has to reassure him that everything’s going great, tells him, “I remember sitting right there with you and I remember you spilling your guts. Remember that conversation?”

“Try to remember the time in September when puke was orange and bile was yellow.”

“Oh, like it was yesterday,” Jackson says.

“Why, Dolvett? Why must I spew?

“I’m so sick of just throwing up all the time,” he says. “I feel like I’m letting my team down when I can’t finish workout. I feel like I’m letting myself down when I can’t finish workout.”

Dolvett today says, “He’s a ghost to me now.” A ghost who pukes, of course.

“Yeah,” Jackson nods.

“How does he compare to this guy?” His puke is more translucent.

“I’m — I know I’m worth it,” Jackson says. “I got this opportunity going into it for all the wrong reasons. I was doing it for the kids, I was doing it for my family. Never once did I think about myself, because I didn’t feel I was worth it. I didn’t feel like I was good enough for it. And…” we see Dolvett looking sternly at Jackson “those feelings are… gone forever. I’m worth it.” Dolvett’s face contorts gradually into this weird smile.

sad HAPPY! sad. HAPPY! sad HAPPY!
[Click to see what I mean.]

“When your body fights you every step of the way, it really makes you have to become stronger,” Jackson tells the camera, as we cut to this bizarre shot of Dolvett swooping in on Jackson like he’s a tough guy while Jackson wobbles a big bar..

“If you break my yardstick I am going to kick your ass, Jackson!”

“I have worked so hard for this,” Jackson says. “I have to keep moving. And no amount of vomit in the world is gonna stop me from doing that.” Yeah, because that’s a completely normal response to something causing your body to puke. Geez, Jackson, just go for a walk instead of busting your ass for six hours a day. Honestly, is this really worth it?

We then see Bob say to the camera, “Jeff has struggled up and down the scale throughout the whole season. And this guy could win the whole thing.”

“I hate you ball!”
[Click to see Jeff about to throw a ball on the ground.]

What a mess!
[Click to compare messes.]

We then see Gina running on treadmill, grunting and wincing.

Something’s not right.

We see her from the front, clearly in pain.

This won’t end well.

Remember, this is the woman who was mocked in episode 8 for falling and saying her “hamstring snapped,” thus inconveniencing the rest of the team in the contest. You may also recall she was mocked on Twitter for complaining. She’s always told to push through the pain, no matter the pain, but now, the completely thinkable happens.

“I’m done pushing through the pain you assholes!”

“Ow, my foot snapped!” she cries out.

“Gina doesn’t complain about things,” Bob says. “This girl will work through anything.” Oh really? What about that huge tantrum Jillian threw about Gina being a terrible slacker? “This is the week that will determine who our finalists will be. The stakes couldn’t be higher. This could not be happening.” It would happen if you continually pushed Gina further than her body could handle for weeks on end.

Commercial break, of course, to squeeze every last drop of drama out of Gina’s injury.

When we return from commercial break, we see Gina hunched over and wailing “My foot snapped. Sandy will you come here? I’m sorry.” Remember last episode when Gina was bold enough to send back the wrong order at the restaurant and she said she would no longer be accommodating or gracious? Remember how she said “I’ve been gracious my whole life and look where it’s gotten me”?

Well, Gina apologizing for snapping her foot on the treadmill and needing medical attention is the epitome of being accommodating and gracious to a fault. This is supposedly one of Gina’s flaws, in that she’s so accommodating and gracious that when people don’t respond in kind, then she gets mad and ruins that relationship. Or at least that’s Jillian’s theory. The death/rebirth ceremony with the coffin was supposed to cure her of that, which enabled her to send back the wrong order.

One message that’s repeated throughout this show is that the reason The Biggest Loser works, and all those other fad diets don’t, is that TBL solves the psychological issues. The things that got them “there,” meaning to their fatness. Solve that psychological problem and VIOLA! your Fatty Magic Bullet.

Except TV shows don’t solve lifetime psychological issues, let alone potentially unpleasant personality traits. It’s all hocus pocus, smoke and mirrors, or, what I like to call it: bullshit.

What the reality of this show is in moments like these.

Who could have foreseen this? It’s a mystery!

When I got this screen cap, I noticed something else. What the hell does Gina have on her foot?

Let the speculation begin!

Because here’s the thing: remember that photo above with Gina lying on her back with her foot elevated in the recoup room? She’s elevating her right foot, and that’s the foot he’s looking at. it’s also the food that seems to have some kind of wrapping or additional sock there. It’s not just a sock, though. Also remember that in episode 8, before Jillian’s epic tantrum directed at Gina, there was this incident at the very beginning of the episode:

Dolvett’s charges are on their machines and he tells them, “I walked into this gym extremely calm today, but I could switch to anger very quickly. Do not piss me off. It’s a nice, light little jog, right Gina? How about you start?”

Gina says, “I have very slick tennis shoes on. They’re brand spanking new, I haven’t had the chance —”

“Do me a favor,” Dolvett cuts in. “Don’t run on your heel, run on your toes.”

“I can’t do that,” Gina says, and Dolvett gives her a dirty look. “I can’t.”

Then Dolvett says to the camera, “I don’t like quitters and I don’t like excuses. Gina gave me an excuse. I don’t condone that,”

Dolvett then punished the rest of the contestants he was working with for Gina’s “excuses.” I thought it seemed odd that Gina had new shoes in the middle of the show. But here it is, another foot-related issue with Gina.

I’m not a doctor. I can’t diagnose what really happened to Gina, but I do notice patterns and these three incidents revolving around the foot suggest that she’s struggled with foot issues of one kind or another since the beginning. Which makes this next part really interesting to me.

Slightly muffled, but clear enough, Sandy the paramedic says, “You’ve just had a sprain.” But then there’s an unintelligible part. If you want to go to Hulu and listen figure it out, go for (no link love, though). It’s just after the second commercial break (indicated on the timeline by a white divider). After repeatedly rewinding, what I vaguely make out (and I invite Biggest Loser to clarify) is, “You’ve gotta control it.” Don’t get pissed, because it’s probably not what he says, but it’s something about control, I think.

Gina says to the camera, “Of all the times to have an injury, I’ve remained virtually injury-free this entire time, and now here at the last week when it all matters, I have injured myself.” To be fair, it’s Biggest Loser that injured you, Gina. If you had a foot injury from the beginning and it continued throughout the show, then their medical team is responsible for okaying the kind of treatment that would lead to a sprain.

“Right there it snapped,” Gina says.

“What snapped?” Bob asks, gawking.

“My foot,” Gina tells Bob.

Wha happa?

On the treadmill, we get a rare glimpse at what the contestants do on the treadmills.

When Jillian threw her tantrum, she was made that Gina hadn’t run a 6 for 5 minutes. Here, Bob has them running a 6.3 (or slightly less) for five minutes at least. The red bars indicate the intensity of the run. The total time is 15:44. Each bar on that screen indicates a minute or so. It just gives you a small glimpse of what level at which the contestants are expected to perform.

“I had some problems with my foot,” Gina says to the camera. “I’m disappointed in myself. I’m disappointed in my body.” Which is utterly ridiculous, but further evidence of her accommodating nature. Everything is her fault. Her body at 47 should be as resilient as, say, Danni’s at 26. It’s such an unrealistic expectation on a show chock full of them. “I am the smallest person in the house. It’s getting harder and harder for me to lose weight and I absolutely will have to adjust my workouts. But I’m not going to let a foot injury define my journey here. I’m going to work and I’m going to do everything I can do and hope that I can burn enough calories to make a difference when we weigh in. I’m certainly worried.”

You should be worried, Gina. The producers of this show do not care about your health. They care about one thing: ratings. Fortunately, their ratings have generally sucked, placing fourth among the networks for the majority of the season. Makeover week brought them up to third, but their initial blockbuster ratings from the first two nights quickly dwindled.

Gina, if they really cared about your health, they would not have driven you to a sprained foot. It would not have happened. I hope you understand that.

So much bullshit in a single segment. This is why Biggest Loser gets exercise wrong every single time. Shame on them for this gladiatorial dieting. And shame on Subway for supporting it.

Buyer’s Remorse

After exposing us to their extreme methods, guess who returns. That’s right, it’s our old pal Dr. Joanna Dolgoff, aka Dr. Splenda.

I’m here today to give the kids an update on their health and their progress. They’ve been working so hard at home. We’ve cut the junk food out of the house, they’ve been eating right, they’ve been exercising, making lots of changes and today we’re going to see if there are any results yet.

But remember, this isn’t a diet. You know how you know it’s not a diet? Because they kids don’t talk about calories or weight goals. Dr. Splenda’s plan replaces calorie counting with red, yellow and green lights, which are based on caloric content. The theory is that the real problem with putting kids on diets is that calorie counting puts kids at risk for eating disorders, while colored stoplights solves the issue (nevermind the fact that it’s still teaching kids to obsess over “good” and “bad” foods).

But even more than that, Dr. Splenda told reporters leading up to the show that the kind of weight loss she promotes in kids is far more modest and reasonable than what is expected of the adults on Biggest Loser.

They’re going to come — go online, fast weight-loss methods. And those are the kids who are going to starve themselves. And then they binge because they can’t keep up the starving, so then they purge. And these are the kids that are really at risk for disordered eating. So you have to address it. Even I know parents don’t want to but they have to… and also the weight-loss program, there is not a crazy weight-loss program. It’s a safe program for them to lose weight at an appropriate rate that’s healthy for their bodies… And they’re getting a very healthy amount of calories. We have not lowered it anymore that we would for any of my patients. We’re not treating these kids any differently. We are supporting them nutritionally… And they brought me on to make sure that we do this in the safest way possible because they wanted to be sure that they weren’t exploiting the kids in any way. [emphasis mine]

So these kids aren’t going to be treated like the adults and they are going to lose weight at an appropriate rate. Of course, the definition of appropriate rate is in question, which is why it’s so enlightening that Dara-Lynn Weiss, the mother who put her 7-year-old on a diet, was using Dr. Splenda’s “Red Light, Green Light, Eat Right” program.

Due to the controversy, Dr. Splenda responded, explaining that Weiss had not followed her plan exactly.

While her daughter ultimately loses a significant amount of weight from her initial 6-year-old, 4’4″ 93-pound frame (after one year, she has grown 2 inches and lost 16 pounds), Ms. Weiss’s methods have received much backlash from readers, bloggers, and pundits alike who have derided her efforts as draconian and severe and point out that her child, despite her fondness for her healthier appearance, was miserable throughout the yearlong exercise.

Dr. Splenda herself defines “a significant amount of weight” as 17% of this girl’s body weight after one year. She goes on to explain how Weiss did not follow her plan as outlined in her book:

While I do commend Ms. Weiss on certain aspects of her approach (such as limiting her daughter’s overall intake of junk food and promoting the consumption of fruits and vegetables), I believe she did fall short of carrying out many of our program’s core attributes. The success of my program is based upon its promotion of flexibility and sensitivity… not severity and emotional distress

You see? Dr. Splenda has a rational plan, while Weiss was irrational. She was too severe. Dr. Splenda goes on to explain the difference in severity:

In the Vogue article, Weiss states, “She (Bea) almost never got dessert.” However, on the “Red Light, Green Light, Eat Right” program, every week, two red light foods are permitted for children to enjoy, such as, a piece of birthday cake or a dessert when dining out with their family. Our program also allows for one small treat every day, such as a 100-calorie-pack or a cookie; after all, we want kids to feel like kids!

You see? Even Dr. Splenda says fat kids can have treats, like birthday cake! Except, as Dr. Yoni Freedhoff pointed out, Sunny blogged about her “healthy” 17th birthday foregoing birthday cake and, instead, received from her trainer a tiny mandarin orange with a candle in it.

Yeah, but does she really need all those slices?

Sunny wrote of the moment, “After an exhausting workout, I ate the orange and it was, hands-down, the best birthday cake I’ve ever tasted.”

Let’s assume for a moment that Dr. Splenda really does mean what she says, and that she doesn’t want the kids severely restricting or losing weight too fast. Let’s say that Dr. Splenda directed these kids to follow her flexible, sensitive plan and promoted health over weight loss. Even though this may be true, the question is what did Biggest Loser do when Dr. Splenda wasn’t around to enforce her “our program’s core attributes”?

Well, to be honest, Biggest Loser has not mentioned the current weight or goal weight of the kids in any way throughout this season. But that does not prevent both Biingo and Sunny from talking about calories like adult dieters. Like during the challenge in episode 1 when Biingo says, “I feel like I’m burning more calories than ever. This is awesome.” Or the trivia game in episode 8 that had kids speculating on which foods have more calories. Or the last episode where Tim Gunn talks about Lindsay’s “slim, gorgeous legs.”

Rather than focus on calories and weight overtly, TBL turned to keywords like “healthy eating” to talk about caloric restriction and “improved confidence” or how beautiful the kids have become to talk about weight loss. Even though they aren’t speaking explicitly about weight loss, visually you can see the kids losing weight and the fact is acknowledged by pointing to these other results of losing weight.

But this episode is where they throw all those pretensions out the window and start straight up talking fat kids’ gettin’ thin. But first, Dr. Dolgoff has a major victory to tout with Lindsay.

It’s reality-show HIPPA!

“You look great, I want to know how you feel,” Dr. Splenda says, because how you feel is what really matters, right?

“I’m feeling really good, more confident in myself,” Lindsay says. “I feel like a new kid.”

“Yeah,” Dr. Splenda smiles. “Let’s bring us back to where you were when you came here.”

We see Lindsay say to the camera, “Last time I saw Dr. Joanna, it wasn’t pretty.”

Flashback to Dr. Splenda informing Lindsay and the whole world that she has pre-diabetes. We then see Lindsay tell the camera today, “I just wanted to lay in bed and just cry all day. It was devastating. It was something a teenager shouldn’t have to hear.”

Now, today, Dr. Splenda says to her family, “Lindsay doesn’t have pre-diabetes anymore!” As she tells her this with a huge grin on her face, Dr. Dolgoff does this bizarre, patronizing head shake that makes me really dislike her even more than before.

Click to see the Splenda Shake.

Lindsay squeals and jumps for joy and shrieks, “Yes!”

“Gone,” Dr. Splenda says. “Normal.”

“Right now I feel like a normal teenager,” Lindsay says. “I feel that I did a good change in my life.”

At the time, I noted that the diagnosis of pre-diabetes is tenuous at best:

As I summarized in my post on the work of Dr. Gerald Reaven, the man who brought metabolic syndrome to the forefront, pre-diabetes is essentially a worthless diagnosis. It’s predictive powers for either metabolic syndrome or type 2 diabetes are incredibly low, as the fluctuations in blood sugar and insulin levels can vary widely.

And then I stumbled across a study of Hispanic children with pre-diabetes. Lindsay is Hispanic, so this study seems particularly apt to Dr. Splenda’s prime time diagnosis. Their conclusion?

In this group of Hispanic children at high risk of type 2 diabetes, 1) pre-diabetes is highly variable from year to year; 2) the prevalence of persistent pre-diabetes over 3 years is 13%; and 3) children with persistent pre-diabetes have lower [β-cell function], due to a lower [acute insulin response], and increasing visceral fat over time.

In short, although the diagnosis of pre-diabetes may point to some issues, the actual state of being “pre-diabetic” fluctuates so wildly as to be essentially worthless at predicting the future state of the child. But being called “pre-diabetic” has become such almost a substitute for diabetes. If you’re pre-diabetic, you may as well be diabetic, even though that’s not actually the case.

Caloric restriction and exercise can definitely improve your blood sugar, but is this the huge reversal that Dr. Splenda treats it as? Consider how unpredictable a pre-diabetes diagnosis can be in free-living Hispanic kids, it seems questionable. But, hey, let’s act like we just cured Lindsay’s diabetes and call it a day, right?

“You can easily go back,” Dolvett tells her. “It’s actually easier to slow down than it is to speed up, right? Don’t go back to that behavior. Behavior defines your life.”

And recall what Dr. Splenda said in her article I quote above on “fast weight-loss methods”:

[T]hose are the kids who are going to starve themselves. And then they binge because they can’t keep up the starving, so then they purge. And these are the kids that are really at risk for disordered eating.”

This is referred to as the restriction/disinhibition cycle, and it’s widely seen by ED experts as a critical link in why diets fail so consistently and why weight cycling is so prevalent.

So it’s kind of important to know what kind of “diet” these kids were actually on. Which brings us to Biingo, who tells the camera, “Dr. Joanna gives harsh news sometimes, but, you know, it’s for the best and hopefully today we’ll hear some good news.”

Dr. Splenda definitely has good news… for Biggest Loser at least.

See, it’s a chart, so it’s science!

“I have here a body mass index curve,” Dr. Splenda says. “It’s a way to measure levels of body fat.” NO IT’S NOT!!! GARGH!!! The BMI chart does not measure body fat. It creates a height-to-weigh ratio. That’s it. That’s why parents of athletic, healthy children are getting so-called “fat letters” from their schools when their child has very little body fat. The fact that Dr. Splenda grossly oversimplifies this fact makes me dislike her even more.

“And when we first met you, you were in the purple and at a real risk for medical problems,” Dr. Dolgoff says, pointing with her pen. “In just a few months of making healthy choices, you hvae gone from the purple all the way down to the yellow.”

“See, it’s not a scale. It’s a chart. Much different.”
[Click to see her pointing from purple to yellow, if that's your thing.]

“Oh gosh,” Biingo says, giving the thumbs up.

Hooray for massive, rapid weight loss!

“Twenty-five percent of my body weight?” Biingo says to the camera. “That’s just insane to think of me cut into a quarter and then just, like, thrown away. It’s awesome.”

If I had just one question for Dr. Splenda, it would be this: You recently described a 6-year-old losing 17% of her body weight after one year as “a significant amount of weight.” How would you describe Biingo’s 25% weight loss after “11 weeks”?

To put that amount in perspective, at this point in the game, Jackson had lost 28% of his weight and Gina, the biggest loser of the house, had lost 29%. In order to achieve 25% in this amount of time, Biingo would have to be performing at a level similar to the adults on the show. The only difference is that we don’t see the intensity of his daily workouts or the severity of his caloric restriction. But the biggest difference is that, until now, nobody has mentioned his weight loss at all.

Is this somehow better? NO!

Dr. Joanna Dolgoff has sold out her “patients” to Biggest Loser, allowing them to push the kids to turn in equally impressive results in equally gob-smacking amounts of time.

Dr. Splenda is 100% responsible for the results of this tragic experiment in gladiatorial dieting for kids. If Biggest Loser decides to do another season with kids, it is Dr. Splenda who gave them the legitimacy to proceed in exchange for promotional considerations for her books and products, which includes the Splenda brand she is a paid spokesperson for.

And an interesting sidenote on that fact: in my very first post on this season’s Biggest Loser, I shared a link to Dr. Splenda’s literary agent’s page which read the following:

Dr. Dolgoff also participated in round table discussions for the National Institutes of Health and Subway Restaurants’ We Can! Childhood Obesity Prevention Program and is a spokesperson for Splenda.

Guess what… that page is now gone.

Chew on that.

We then see Biingo’s mom say to Dr. Splenda, “I see him every day. It’s like, oh, my gosh, I didn’t realize he was really that big.”

“Seventy percent of parents of obese children think that their children are normal weight,” Dr. Splenda says. “We look at our kids with love in our eyes — as we should — so very often parents don’t realize it’s an issue.”

I pointed it out before and I’ll point it out every time I hear it: that statistic is utterly mythical bullshit. You want some simple proof? That same initial post included a quote from Dr. Splenda’s intro video to Biggest Loser, where she said, “They did a study, 75% of parents of obese children think their children are either normal weight or even underweight.”

That rapidly changing statistic comes from the Strong4Life campaign, which I pointed out in this post, was entirely made up. There is no study that says this. But Dr. Splenda seems quite willing to say anything to justify her appearance on Biggest Loser because it gives her an even bigger platform to hawk her diet books and Splenda recipes.

“I think of the old me that would play multi-hours of video games a day, not exercise, not do anything, eat a lot of crappy food,” Biingo says. “You know, that’s just not me anymore.” Yeah, because 13-year-0ld kids can totally make these commitments and stick to them for life.

Then Biingo’s mom offers up the obligatory, “I went down five dress sizes, so —”

“Five dress sizes?” Dr. Splenda gasps?

Flashback to fat mom, but I’m not going to post a photo and encourage her.

“Wow,” Dr. Splenda says.

“If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t be doing it,” his mom says.

Then Bob tells the camera, “Biingo has created a ripple effect and it has affected his mother. It really shows. You live a healthy lifestyle, and your body will respond in the way that you want it to.” Because that’s exactly what this season’s Biggest Loser has proven, right folks? Your body will respond the way you want it to if you just do the right shit… oh, except for the weeks upon weeks upon weeks of disappointment and surprise at the results which they then have to explain away with psycho-babble and theories on strategic weight loss.

And here’s the other nightmare created by all this foolishness. What happens if Biingo or his mom regain the weight? If Biingo is responsible for them losing weight and causing this ripple effect, where do you think the guilt will fall in Biingo’s mind when the results become unsustainable?

Thanks Dr. Splenda!

Finally, Dr. Splenda meets with Sunny, who she says has “borderline high triglycerides and you had borderline high something we call non-HDL cholesterol.” Of course, we have no idea how “borderline” that is. But I’m sure the honest brokers on TBL wouldn’t mislead us on the severity.

“Losing weight for me was always about just looking better,” Sunny says to the camera, reflecting the content of 75% of her weight loss blog on Seventeen magazine. “And what I realized on the show is that there are so many terrible health problems that come with being overweight. I mean, that’s a scary thought.”

“How would you feel if I told you right now that your cholesterol panel is entirely normal?” Dr. Splenda asks.

“Wow,” Sunny says.

“Every one of your health problems that you had before you came here — gone,” Dr. Splenda says.

“I’ve never been happier in my life,” Sunny grins. “I am so thrilled right now.”

Then Jillian says, “This is a 16-year-old kid. The happiest day of her life should be the prom — should be, you know, the first time she kisses a boy. By making subtle and consistent lifestyle changes, you can turn everything around, and that’s the great news.”

“Subtle and consistent” being the keyword, right? Sunny’s mandarin orange birthday cake? And about that whole prom thing: we’ve already been reminded repeatedly that Sunny is too fat for prom, let alone a prom dress. God help her if she hopes to kiss a boy.

But now, Dr. Splenda has helped these kids enact safe, healthy methods for losing weight at an appropriate weight, right? And that’s why we’re treated to yet another shot of a rainbow — nay, a DOUBLE RAINBOW — after her meeting with the kids.

And at the end of the 11th week, the Lord said, “Damn! Look at those slim, gorgeous legs!”

Coming up, Sweeney teases, “The contestants face an uphill battle and their toughest challenge yet.” SPOILER ALERT: They’re going to climb a snowy mountain.

And later, Bob’s crying as he talks to Jeff. “Something in your story that really touched me…”

“Bob breaks down,” Sweeney says, “showing a side of him never seen before on The Biggest Loser.”

HUG!

All of this happened within the first 23 minutes of a 90 minute show, and it’s a lot to digest. So in the interest of sparing your sanity watcher’s points, I am going to divide up my recap for the first time ever. The next segments should go much faster, as the contestants spent a good chunk of time watching footage from the first 10 episodes, which we’ve already seen. Plus, the challenges that the contestants must face are pretty quick to recap.

I will have a followup either tomorrow or Wednesday. So I hope you will forgive me for breaking it up like this, but it is for the best.

If you think this is wrong, sign the petition to stop Biggest Loser and join our boycott.

Previous recaps

• Prequel — Paging Dr. Dolgoff
• Episode 1 — The Biggest Dickweed
• Episode 2 — Reclaiming Worth
• Episode 3 — Crossfire Hurricane
• Episode 4 — Cognitive Dissonance
• Episode 5 — Abracadabra
• Episode 6 — Mystery Tramp
• Episode 7 — Valentine’s Day Massacre
• Episode 8 — Queen Bee
• Episode 9 — Fear and Loathing
• Episode 10 — Half Baked

Trigger warning: This post thoroughly discusses an episode The Biggest Loser, including the abusive bullshit as well as the weigh-ins.

Last time on Biggest Dickweed…

Jillian became possessed by the demon Astaroth, Crowned Prince of Hell, and transformed into a hideous Boob Troll. While Jackson spewed like Vesuvius all over Jared’s fat pants, while Boob Troll got a pukeboner. Oh, and Gina snapped her ankle, or whatever.

Time to Fill

You want to know what part of this season’s Biggest Loser I’ve been looking forward to the most besides the end? The episode where they make us watch footage from previous episodes as a way to tug at our heartstrings on more time before the finale. Because if there’s one thing I love about the Biggest Loser, it’s the recycled footage used to drive their point into the ground [see: Sunny and the red dress, Biingo and the chocolate ice cream, all the gluttony photos of the adults].

Whereas the last recap was like a feast of terrible to analyze, this first segment is like leftovers night. There’s some interesting bits, but it’s not as good as the first time and you’d rather be back at the feast. So, we’ll try to fly through this part, noting a few interesting moments along the way, then get onto to climbing that damned mountain. And yes, Gina does climb that damned mountain.

Unlike me, recap day is Bob’s favorite part. As he tells the camera, “I love what we’re doing today on The Biggest Loser probably more than anything else we do. And it’s the time that we get to sit down with our athletes and reflect on their whole journey. I can’t wait to see just how far everyone has come.” Personally, I’m looking forward to comparing the chunkinesses of Jackson’s stomach samples.

Fortunately, Jackson’s first up and, of course, we start with his fat Mormon missionary video.

Whenever they want to reminisce on Jackson’s fat past, they always start with this shot.

“I have to change my life right now and if I don’t change I feel like I’m never going to be able to,” Jackson says as we see him stuffing his face.

“Yes, I’ll have the fried salad and the fried fries with a fried Coke and and deep-fried battersticks.”

“This is the moment,” Jackson’s voiceover continues. “This is when it needs to happen.”

We see Jackson being called onto the show, Jackson working out, Jackson puking, then Dolvett saying, “You throw up, you keep going; you throw up, you keep going. Eventually, you’re going to stop throwing up.” Cut to Dolvett laughing as he watches this footage.

“Every time I’ve thrown up this week I get right back to work because I’m not here to give up, I’m not here to quite, I am here to win.” Listen, Jackson. I know you’re in a contest and all, but I hope you know that if you just dialed it down a few notches, you wouldn’t be throwing up. Of course, you wouldn’t lose weight as quickly either, but that’s the tradeoff between health and contests.

Then Jackson talks about almost throwing up in the bubble gum pit, and they’re both cracking up:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU’RE GOING TO PUKE FOREVER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then Jackson talks about coming out of the closet in 9th grade and feeling worthless. Dolvett assures him him he’s good enough. Then Jackson says to the camera, “When I first came to the ranch, I didn’t realize that this is just as much conditioning for your mind as it is for your body.” Brainwashing is like that. “I really do believe I’m good enough. That’s not something I’ve been able to say for a long time.” My question is, will you be able to say that if you don’t stay skinny? Because that’s the real problem.

And now we’re on to homecoming. Hooray! Everybody’s happy to see that you’re not fat anymore!

Finally, there’s a message from Fat Jackson to Thin Jackson: “You just need to keep going on the path you’re going on and never, ever look back. You need to look at your weight in the rearview mirror. You have to keep fighting and never let yourself get back to this point.”

Nice touch.

After film, Jackson tells Dolvett, “I came onto this place a sick, sick kid.”

Then he says to the camera, “One of the things that I’ve learned since coming to the ranch is weight loss is 100% mental. You have to want it more than you want to eat a cupcake. You have to want it more than you want to watch TV instead of go to the gym. You have to want it more than anything.” You have to want it more than you want your freedom or your dignity or self-worth. Unless you want your self-worth firmly tied to how thin you are or are not, followed by the gamble that you can be among the 4.4% who lose and keep off 20% or more of your body weight.

Then Dolvett makes one of those dickweed assumptions the trainers are known for. “For the first time in your life, you’ve got control.”

“You’ve saved my life. There’s no way I can repay you.” I don’t remember for sure, but I’m guessing there’s some sappy music here.

“You can repay me,” Dolvett says seriously. “Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

“Absolutely,” Jackson assures him. “I’m never going back to that.” That thing! That repulsive thing in the skin-tight oxford shirt and tie! I want to wear sweaters and bowties and fleshpants!

Gina’s next. It’s a flashback to her in the dress with the white trim from this gif. “I weighed 140 pounds at my wedding. So, in less than five years I have gained 100 pounds. I’m scared to death that I’m just gonna die. I often think about my husband remarrying when I die and I always visualize some 25-year-old, young and perky and blonde and full of life, and that makes you really sad to know that you’re already planning your husband’s next wife.” So the videos start with what I’m calling their Most Pathetic Moment, or MPM. After Gina’s MPM, we see her being chosen from the crowd at the first episode, followed by her working out. Hmmmm… I’m starting to notice a pattern.

Bob says to Gina as she’s working out, “Something is broken, Gina. Something is broken, baby, and we gotta find it. You gotta have those eyes wide open.”

Then a scene from one of the early episodes wheremakes Bob a little closer to being the thing that’s “broken” when he tells Gina, who is taking a break from hitting a tire with a sledge hammer. “This is not The Biggest Loser resort and spa,” Bob snipes.

“I’m hot!” Gina shoots back at him.

Bob cajoles her, “Come on. Let’s get it together.”

“Let’s don’t,” Gina snaps. “I hate you.”

And from episode 6, when Gina tells Bob, after he’s been a dickweed, “You rip my ass to shreds every time I see your face!” and he says in his dickweedy way, “Well, you need to be able to handle it.”

Gina gets better at exercising, Gina holds the bar that keeps her from falling of a building,

Then she says to the camera, “When I started here on the ranch, I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of living. I was afraid of dying. I just couldn’t find the right path for me. But I’m a completely changed person and overcame so many obstacles I never thought possible.” Aaaaaah, remember when we all hated Gina and then she got in a coffin and we hated her slightly less?

Then there’s her reunion and her message to herself:

You gotta stick this out, it’s so important to your children, your husband, and your parents. Remember how you felt: fat, full, unable to catch your breath, unable to walk. You don’t ever want to feel like that again. You want to take your life back now and make sure that it’s that way for the rest of your life.

After the film, Bob says, “Gina, you can do anything that you put your mind to. There’s nothing that can stop you now.” Honestly, there was nothing that was stopping her before, except perhaps a distorted belief of what health and fitness looks like.

COMMERCIAL BREAK!

And we’re back. Jeff’s flashback begins with his MPM, obviously. “My weight is my biggest regret, hands down. I live in the basement of my parents’ house. What 24-year-old really wants to say that? I don’t want to blink and be 40 and still be sitting here alone. That’s terrifying.” Because if you’re fat, you’ll live in your parents basement alone for the rest of your life. Unless, of course, you’re me, a fat guy who moved out of his parents’ basement and in with the love of his life at age 24.

Being fat doesn’t keep you in your parents basement any more than getting thin moves you out. It’s amazing to me what these people believe their weight is preventing them from doing. It’s all psychological. There is no physical barrier caused by Jeff’s fat that prevents him from moving out. It’s psychosomatic. So what prevents him from leaving?

Jeff talks about losing his dad at 17. “One of the things he did share before he was about to pass was that he wanted me to lose the weight, and I feel like if I make this change that he would be extremely proud of me,” Jeff says. “And I don’t know when the last time that I can say that he was, you know, really proud of me.” If there’s a psychological block, it’s that. If he was depressed after the death of his dad, that can definitely contribute to weight gain. But Biggest Loser acts like weight loss cures the depression. It doesn’t necessarily, and to present it as if it does is mystical thinking.

“Jeff really holds back,” Bob says, as we see Jeff working out. “He’s the kind of guy that wants to set his goals really small…” Cut to a shot of the time Jeff lost nothing.

Jeff’s goal this week was zero pounds, which is what he got. Who’s the biggest loser now?

We then see Bob in the theater say “Ugh!” in his melodramatic fashion after seeing the zero. “… so he doesn’t have any kind of failure. It’s like, I don’t want Jeff to live like that any more.”

We see Jeff working out and Bob praising him. Then Jeff says to the camera, “It’s kind of nice now to have someone to push you to be better than you thought you were. To have someone believe in you more than you believe in yourself.” Jeff is starting to seem like he’s getting a substitute father figure in Bob, which seems like a psychological bandaid at best.

Now it’s Jeff’s reunion, following by his message to himself:

Jeff, if you’re watching this today, hopefully you havee learned to love yourself and let others love you. Believe that you can be loved because you deserve it. Remember what it’s like putting on this fake front and how much it bothers you and how much you hate it, and never let yourself get back to this place. I’m gonna bid you farewell, and hopefully you’ll never see this person ever again in your entire life.

After the film, Jeff cries. “I just wanted this whole experience, like, more than anything because I knew that without it, you know, I wasn’t gonna be able to change.” Jeff said.

Bob says to the camera, “When I saw Jeff’s video,” he starts to cry, ” it really upset me because I saw that boy in that basement, and he just seemed so vacant, just looks like a boy that has just given up. And I just don’t want Jeff to give up on his life because I feel like there is so much waiting for him.”

Then we see Bob say to Jeff, “There is a life out there and world outside that basement. And you’re gonna be able to see it and it’s gonna be a great world for you.”

It already was a great world, Bob. Nothing in the world has changed except, now Jeff has been on TV and lost a ridiculous amount of weight. If he wasn’t dating when he was fat, he certainly will be now. Plus, there’s the whole Francelina thing.

Joe’s next and I gotta tell ya, I don’t like Joe. I think that if Biggest Loser needed to demonize someone through editing, it should have been Joe.

Joe starts out saying, “I want to live an authentic, healthy, happy, fulfilling life and where I am right now is not allowing me to do that at all.” Bullshit, Joe. When you were fat, if you wanted to get healthy, you could have chose to do so. You weren’t powerless. Biggest Loser locked you away for 100 days with no contact to the outside world and in the care of three brutal trainers who make you exercise 46 hours per week and eat 1,200 calories a day. That is neither authentic or healthy.

No, Joe, go use the restroom, honey.

We hear about Joe’s football background and his dad having a heart attack. “It’s do or die,” Joe says. “Otherwise I’ll end up like my father did on that that table, getting my chest ripped open.”

Clip of Joe’s “break” during episode 4. when Joe took a break after complaining about pain. “Why are you out here?” Dolvett asks him. “You know who should be out here right now? Jackson, or maybe one of the girls. Not the former athlete.” Yeah, Joe, former athletes are so stupid, they don’t instinctively know how to stop working out when their body is in pain.

We then hear Joe say, “And now I just need to trust him and I know everything will happen” followed by a shot of him losing 11 pounds on the scale.

“When you believe in yourself and you work hard, this is what happens,” Dolvett gushes.

Joe “swims with the sharks” (aka, swims 500  yards to shore). Then it’s his family reunion with his creepy twin brother. And then the message to himself:

Joe, how amazing is this feeling just to have your body back, your health, your awareness of who you are. Don’t lose it. Don’t ever go back to where you were. Stay in control.

Yeah, man, stay in control. Pop that belly zit.

Live life to the fullest. Don’t get trapped. This is where you wanted to be. Stay here.

After the movie, Joe says, “It’s amazing to see where I was.” Yeah, it was a real trip to Narnia, Joe. “It wasn’t about finding Joe. It was about going back to Joe.” How the hell do these people keep misplacing themselves? This seems to be the source of the problem.

“You’ve lost more than weight, brother,” Dolvett tells him. “You’ve lost a lot more than weight.” Yeah, you’ve lost your ability to ever enjoy another slice of pizza again without overwhelming feelings of guilt, anxiety and shame. So, you’ve got that going for you.

Last but not least (again), Sarah Palin.

I can see Fatlantis from here.

Fat Danni says, “There’s so many things that I want to do in life and I’m too afraid to do it because, ‘Oh, she’s that fat girl. She can’t do it.’” Exactly.

Oh, and remember this?

Hey, it’s Sandy the paramedic again, and he’s tending to Danni while Jillian humiliates her on national television. What a tender moment.

“Wake up. Wake up.” Jillian screams, as we see Danni and Jillian are cracking up. “You will go home, Danni. Do you understand me? You’ll go home, Danni! Wake up, Danni!”

Then Jillian says to the camera, “I know what the contestants are physically capable of even if they don’t.”

More footage of Jillian being an asshole because that’s her schtick. Footage of Danni winning all the challenges. Footage of Danni and Jillian’s special relationship. Crying. Pride. Aaaaaaaaaaaaw. Reunion! Then the message to herself.

Danni, I know you’re struggling so hard, but I want you to see how far you’ve come and where you were.

LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT HOW GROSS YOU ARE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!

Look at that picture of where you were and make sure you never want to go back to that. And right now I just hope you’re feeling that confident feeling that you know you had inside you. [Footage from the reunion of her flaunting it] And you did it. And you’re gonna keep doing it. So just remember that. And you’re so excited that you did it. And you know you can keep going.

Sitting in her chair now, Danni says, “Wow. I forgot I started that bad.”

“You found yourself,” Jillian says. “And you just soared.” Like a penguin! “And you became everything” voice breaking “that I had hoped you would be. You are that hero.” You are DietWoman!

“I don’t think there was any way I could make this transformation without Biggest Loser,” Danni says to the camera. “I thought I wasn’t worth it. And they made me feel worth it. The Biggest Loser gave me my life.” Yikes. If you’re getting your life from Biggest Loser, you may want to hang onto the receipt.

And that’s it for the sappy recap that caught up those tuning in for the last few episodes. Pretty harmless stuff, though.

It’s the next segment that’s shitty squared.

It’s Biggest Loser Challenge, which is this weird segment that’s usually some kind of commercial/product placement disguised as some great new footage of some community doing something. Sweeney says, “We’ve asked America to take the challenge and here’s one 10-year-old girl who’s done just that.” That 10-year-old girl is Breanna Bond who you may recall from a December 2012 CNN story titled “Girl loses 65 pounds in fight against childhood obesity.” It begins:

Heidi Bond was desperate. No matter how much she cajoled or threatened her daughter, the 9-year-old refused to finish their workout.

Used to this struggle, Bond pushed harder, encouraging Breanna to complete the four-mile loop. She had already lost weight, Bond reminded her. She couldn’t give up now, or her hard work would be for nothing.

Breanna ignored her mother and turned for home.

Watching the 173-pound girl walk away, Bond’s heart sank. She realized this was a fight she wasn’t going to win in a war she couldn’t afford to lose.

Guess whose diet plan Heidi used.

That’s right, Dr. Splenda’s 100% Fatty-Go-Bye-Bye plan that comes with colored charts and magic lights that making dieting FUN!

On Biggest Loser, Breanna doesn’t mention Dr. Splenda.

We see Breanna playing catch with her brother.

“About a year ago, I almost weighed 200 pounds,” Breanna says,as they show this photo.

“People would call me names at recess when I walked out of the door and that’s not a good feeling.”

The woman seems to be Breanna’s mom from what I can tell.

Then Breanna’s mom says, “We have always been struggling with Breanna’s weight. Doctor’s were telling me that everything was okay, that she would grow into her body, but then when she was 186 at 9-years-old I just knew I had to step up and do something about it.”

is she in her psychiatrist’s office?

The point about the doctor telling her Breanna’s weight was fine came up in the CNN article too:

By the time she was a year old, Breanna weighed close to 25 pounds. Bond asked their pediatrician whether she should be concerned, but he assured her Breanna would grow into the weight.

Over the next few years, Breanna packed on the pounds. In preschool, she was bigger than any of the other kids in her class.

What matters for the growth of children is consistency, not where they fall on the chart. If your kid is in the 98th percentile from birth to 10 years old, that’s a consistent growth pattern. They’re naturally larger. If there are spikes in weight, up or down, then there’s something to discuss. But high, consistent weight is not as big an issue as fluctuating weight. Most pediatricians know this and don’t freak out if a child is in the 95th percentile growing up.

But clearly this has been an issue with Heidi since Breanna was at least a year old. My first question for Heidi would be, how many diets has Breanna been on prior to Dr. Splenda’s?

“My mom started giving me healthier foods and got all the junk food out and we started exercising for an hour a day,” Breanna says. “Seeing Biingo, Sunny and Lindsay push theirselves every week helps me to get more motivation. Today, I’ve lost 72 pounds and I feel better than ever.”

Click to see Breanna’s before and after pictures.

“If I could do it, anyone can do it.”

Of course, according to the CNN article, there’s a bit more to it than one hour of exercise per day.

Breanna and her mother now work out at least an hour and 15 minutes every day. Breanna has also joined a swim team, a competitive cheer team and a basketball team to stay active.

“Sometimes my body just says, ‘Lay down, I don’t want to do it,’” Breanna says. “My mom keeps me going.”

Someone needs to explain to Heidi that swim team, cheerleading and basketball is considered exercise.

By the way, remember how Dr. Splenda expressed concern for the 6-year-old girl who lost 17% of her body weight after one year and described it as “a significant amount of weight”? Well, 72 from 186 is 39% at age 10, more than double the 6-year-old’s body weight. How sustainable is that amount of weight loss for a child?

I feel sorry for Breanna. There’s a way to help kids get healthier, but this isn’t it. This is a recipe for lifelong weight struggles that oftentimes push a person’s weight higher and higher each time.

And now, Biggest Loser is normalizing child dieting. Blood brilliant.

That’s Quacktastic!

After commercial a commercial break, there’s a meeting with Dr. Hosinga, the show’s resident medical hack.

“Out of all the contestants, I’m really most proud of Danni,” Dr. Hosinga says. Wow, he’s most proud of Danni? Is it because she’s made such a drastic improvement in her health?

“I want to show you what I think is the best transformation at a three-month that we’ve ever had,” Dr. Hosinga says. “This is you day one.”

On day one, you were nothing but a torso.

“Oh my god,” Danni gasps.

“Is that how you remembered yourself?” Dr. Hosinga asks.

“Not at all,” Danni says. “I think that was the problem, I avoided seeing what I really looked like.”

“This is you at day 101,” Dr. Hosinga says.

Remember kids, health improvements are best determined by a before and after picture of your torso.

Okay, three things that are fascinating here. First, this is the only visit from Dr. Hosinga this episode. The only “transformation” worth noting, at least according to the editors of the show, if not Dr. Hosinga himself, is the size and shape of Danni’s belly. I’ll be curious to see if they mention Gina’s type 2 diabetes in the finale, but the fact that the show chose to emphasize this meeting with Danni over a more obvious medical issue like Gina’s is telling.

The other, more fascinating fact that gets revealed is one of timing. Remember, all this episode they’ve been referring to this as “week 11.” We’re supposed to be swept away in the fantasy that it has been 11 weeks since these contestants were fat, lazy slobs. Nevermind the fact that “week 10″ was actually two weeks spent at their homes. Even during that episode, Allison Sweeney kept talking about how they had lost so much weight in “10 weeks.”

Well now we have Dr. Hosinga giving us a definite time frame for these “transformations”: 101 days. Assuming this photo was taken after week 10, that should by 77 days (including the two-week at-home time), but here we have an additional 24 day, which means the show has lasted 14.5 weeks. But perhaps I’m just confused. Perhaps the disconnect between time as we know it and time moves faster in Biggest LoserLand. Perhaps the space-time continuum is distorted on the ranch so that one week lasts 9 days. Yeah, that explains it. Or maybe the show is just that shamelessly manipulative that they can’t even represent time accurately. Either way, it’s fucked up.

Finally, am I the only one who noticed that in these before and after pictures, Danni’s before was taken in Jackson’s bloody fleshpants and a sports bra, but the after were taken in her bra and panties?

Oooooooooh how thoroughly I’ve studied your medical records with lotion and tissues.

“Oh my god, I look like I have abs,” Danni says.

“You set a new Biggest Loser record, certainly for this time frame.” Yeah, for giving Dr. H an erection. “You’ve gained 19 pounds of muscle.”

“What?” Jillian squawks.

“It was such a massive amount, I didn’t believe it, so I checked it three different ways,” Dr. Hosinga says, referring to the video of Danni jumping rope and this x-ray.

The image on the left was when Danni was a mime pretending to carry suitcases.

This is a fascinating image, particularly when you zoom in. Yes, it shows an incredible amount of muscle growth. When you zoom in, you can say the more opaque, white part of her body where the muscle is and then you can see the fainter outline of her body comprised of fat and flesh. So if you look closely, you can see what Danni’s outer body looks like… and then you notice something else:

On the left, Danni’s arms are being held out to exaggerate the shape of her body, whole on the right, they’re comfortably at her side. Even when it comes to x-rays, The Biggest Loser distort reality by making her skeleton look fatter than it is. Am I the only one who finds this level of manipulation so incredibly disturbing?

“Nineteen pounds of muscle?” Jillian says to the camera. “Men don’t put on 19 pounds of muscle in three months. This is amazing. This girl’s a machine. This is a true testament to how focused she’s been every single step of the way.” Personally, I wonder how much muscle Gina put on, considering she outlasted Danni in the endurance test of the episode 9 challenge of hanging onto a bar that held 40% of her body weight. She outlasted the men and Danni.

But Gina isn’t Danni. Danni is younger and more traditionally attractive, particularly now that she’s thin. TBL knows the audience cares more about Danni’s transformation than anyone else’s, which is why the show has focused on her so much.

“I’m looking like, ‘Why is this woman the knockout picture post-up of this whole show?’” Dr. Hosinga says. “It’s the muscle.” Oh and the boobs and butt and everything else I have on my flash drive at home.

“This is honestly the first time in my life I feel like I can dream and I can do anything,” Danni says to the camera. “You know, my parents said it to me all the time, ‘You can do whatever you want. You can do it.’ I’m like, ‘Well, no, I’m not pretty, I’m not thin, I can’t do this.’ But you look at me now — I have changed, I’m a whole new person and I am so much better for it.”

Remember kids, if you’re not thin and pretty, you can’t do this. But once you get thin like Danni, you can dream and do anything you like.

With the appointment over, it’s hug time!

“Come on over and give Dr. H some sugar.”

And then, Jillian and Dr. Hosinga are about to say goodbye and it leads to an awesome handshake/hug.

Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug!
[Click to see Dr. Hosinga's awkward handshake-to-hug transformation]

And now we move on to the final challenge the season in the mountains!

The hills are alive with the sound of weight loss!

Sweeney tells the contestants they’ve been tested every way possible: ran, swam, survived an obstacle course. “You even fell off a building,” she says like they’re a bunch of fucking Terminators.

The contestants will have to drag a sled up the mountain and stop at 10 posts along the way representing the last 10 weeks. They will add weights equal to whatever they lost that week, representing every every pound they lost. We then see a morph of the contestants standing on the scale and going from their current weight to their starting weight. The first person to the top wins a one pound advantage.

Jackson says to the camera. “It’s really nerve-wracking to be putting the weight back on.” Jackson is terrified of metaphors. “That’s our biggest fear at the ranch. So running up this mountain with all of our original weight is going to be very difficult for us.”

TBL has to spell it out since they don’t trust the audience to get the symbolism on their own.

Danni says to the camera, “One pound advantage, that’s the biggest prize you could ever give us for anything. People have gone home over one pound every single week.” Every time there’s a challenge and there’s a prize, there’s corresponding footage of Danni saying “That’s the biggest prize you could ever give us for anything.”

“Hey Danni, if you win this challenge, you’ll win a swift kick in the ass.”

“That’s the biggest prize you could ever give us for anything.”

If there’s one thing TBL can count on from Danni (aside from representing the fat-girl-gets-hot angle) it’s hyperbole.

But what about Gina? She sprained her ankle this week. Surely they’re going to give her a pass this time around.

“My injury’s put me at a disadvantage but I’m going to try as hard as I can to win this challenge,” Gina says. Fuck, really? And this is the woman Jillian berated endlessly for being a slacker? Fuck Jillian.

But enough sympathy, we have a race to run. Ready, set, go!

Sledding: You’re doing it wrong.

At a few of the weeks with the weights, the contestants talk about their favorite, or least favorite, weeks, which revolve around the results on the scale. We also see Joe and Danni competing head-to-head and hear about their episode-long rivalry.

“Carrying all this weight on this sled is miserable,” Jeff says. “I can’t believe I used to carry all this on my body.”

Being fat is just like being a thin person dragging sleds full of weight plates up a snowing mountain.

“It’s starting to become a struggle and it’s just a harsh reminder that I’m never going to be doing this again,” Jeff says, counting his chickens before they’ve hatched.

Of course, Gina’s lagging behind because SHE HAS A FUCKING SPRAINED ANKLE!!!

At the week 5 post, Jackson says, “It’s the lowest amount I’m putting on the sled, but it’s the heaviest at the same time.” Oooooh, it’s like a zen koan. “I spent all night racking my brain for what I did differently and what I could change so I would never get a one-pound weight loss again.”

As we go to commercial, Joe and Danni are tied. It’s so exciting!

Will Joe finally beat Danni without her suffering a terrible injury during the challenge?

But is Joe really in the lead or is it going to be a repeat of the episode 5 challenge where Lisa is clearly about to win just before the commercial break, but Danni miraculously beats her.

After the commercial, Joe does in fact win.

Once Jackson and Joe cross the finish line, we then see Gina lagging way behind because SHE SPRAINED HER FUCKING ANKLE! Jackson runs to help Gina, followed by everyone else. Sweeney notes the touching gesture.

The Snow Queen reigns over all she surveys.

“This mountain and this climb today is truly a metaphor for this journey I’ve had here,” Gina says. Yeah, it’s a metaphor for what a bunch of dicks you’ve been surrounded by, because this is the “help” they gave Gina.

“We just came down to keep you company while you ‘push through the pain.’”

Nobody actually helps Gina bear her load or, God forbid, give her a shoulder to lean on. Finally, Gina crosses the line and a snow orgy ensues.

“OH GOD YOU SNAPPED MY PELVIS!”

After Joe wins his prize, they head back down the mountain as the contestants have a snowball fight and frolic through the powder.

With the challenge out of the way, it’s time for a word from our sponsors.

The contestants are in the kitchen around the stove, where Danni is stirring a pot of Progresso soup, when Dolvett pops in for a visit.

Jackson says, “Diet is going to be the hardest thing for me when I get home.” Well, Dolvett is here to tell you that when you go home, you can eat Progresso soups to get thin.

Progresso Soup: The processed food approved by The Biggest Loser.

Dolvett tells us this soup is what you can eat at home! Hooray! Finally, we know what we get to eat at home. Thanks Dolvett!

Finally, we go outside, where the kids and contestants are reunited.

As always, Bob’s fashion sense is impeccable, what with the knee-high black socks and all.

Here’s the key takeaway you need to read: Bob says to everyone, “I just have to say what an honor it’s been to have the kids with us this season. It’s the first time The Biggest Loser has ever done anything like this. You guys have set such a high bar for any other children that come on to our show in the future.”

If you started this season fighting to keep kids off this show, then you need to pay attention here because this is not a one-off situation. Biggest Loser will keep bringing kids on and putting them on diets and teaching parents that this is a perfectly acceptable thing to do if we don’t keep fighting.

Of course, Bob says to the camera that this is the solution to fat kids: “I think this is what’s going to help change America when it comes to childhood obesity.”

But anyone who grew up as a fat kid can tell you that dieting is not a permanent solution. It’s a temporary state of being that inevitably reverts over time if the kid encounters stress or life changes or hunger. This is just the beginning of what Biggest Loser has in mind, and they even “played it safe” this season by not making it a contest. But who knows what future seasons will bring.

Bob says to the kids, “We still have our goals that, uh, we want to be able to achieve.”

Weight loss goals? Nah, weight loss isn’t important (*cough*25%weightloss*cough*).

Biingo’s goal is to join the baseball team, Lindsay wants to join the cheerleading squad and you can probably guess Sunny’s goal.

The infamous red dress.

“I still have one very important goal, that I do need to accomplish by finale and that goal is to fit into that perfect dress,” Sunny says to the camera.

Finally, Jeff says, “I can’t wait to see what the kids look like at the finale.” Because, let’s face it, that’s what really counts, right?

Freaks and Geeks

We’re finally at the last last chance workout, which means there’s going to be lots of footage of Dolvett and Jillian screaming “LAST LAST CHANCE WORKOUT!” along with all the other screaming they do.

“The stakes are high in this last last chance work out,” Dolvett says to the camera. “My strategy is very simple. I’m gonna kick your butt, period.” Isn’t it cute how Dolvett still punctuates his sentences verbally question mark.

“I’ve been the biggest loser on campus now for six or seven weeks,” Gina says. “I should be in the top three. I’m gonna finish and I’m gonna finish strong.”

“There’s a red line at stake, gentlemen,” Dolvett says to Jackson and Joe. “I don’t want to see either one of your faces beneath that line.”

We then see Jackson talking about Joe’s one pound advantage and how the odds are stacked against him. “If I don’t get my best burn I’ve ever gotten in this workout, there’s a chance I could go home or my fate’s gonna lie in the hands of America.” Clearly, Jackson is more motivated this episode than any other, which, if you’ve been reading these recaps for a while, portends doom for his weigh-in.

We then cut to Jillian working out with Danni. Jillian says to the camera, “Danni’s been doing great all season long and now she’s falling apart a little bit.” Falling apart? Man, that must be serious. She must be slacking on an epic scale.

We see Danni doing some resistance training outside with Jillian.

Next time, do me a favor and wrap that rubberband around Jill’s next, won’t you?

Then, Danni stops to bend over and stretch her back.

Remember Danni, pain is not your body’s way of indicating a physical problem.
It’s weakness leaving the body.

“Can’t do it?” Jillian asks.

“No,” Danni says. “My back keeps seizing.”

“I keep seeing the Danni that I knew weeks 3, 4, 5 and 5,” Jillian says to the camera as we see footage of Danni being exhausted or slacking or both. “It’s the first time that that girl has emerged in a while. And that’s not good.” What’s not good is that Jillian mistakes back pain for being out-of-shape, as Dannie was in those early seasons. The editors mistake it to, by juxtaposing pictures of Danni exhausted with Danni in pain.

Click to see the images that compare Danni’s back pain to her early days on the ranch.

“I can see that she’s struggling, beating herself up, ‘It should be perfect,’” Jillian says to the camera. “What’s happening here?”

What’s happening her is that Danni is beating herself up because she has been taught by you, her trainer, to mistrust her body’s pain signals and she is starting to hit a wall in how much of that pain she can tolerate. If anyone has instilled a sense of perfectionism to a fault, it’s you, Jillian.

There’s a commercial break and when we return, Danni’s on the treadmill and she suddenly stops. “I’m just a little light-headed,” Danni says. “But I think it’s probably more a panic attack. I don’t know why.” Yeah, if you’re running on a treadmill for a while and you start to get light-headed, it’s probably just a panic attack. Nice deflection.

“Well, I can —” Jillian says. “I can tell you why.” Of course you can, Jillian. You’re Sigmund Fucking Freud over here. “There’s a lot going on. Everything’s going to be okay.” How fucking insightful.

Then we see Jillian tell the camera again, “I keep seeing the Danni that I knew…” followed by this new shot of Danni slacking.

Hmmmmmmm… more bending over in response to pain. Could it be a pattern? Naaaah!

We see Jillian shake her head at Danni doubled over in pain. Then she tells the camera, “”I need to see if we can’t get to the bottom of what’s really going on.”

Aaaaaaaaaw, this may be the last Biggest Loser Moment (BLM) of the season. BLMs are the times trainers interpret fatigue or injury as some kind of “emotional block” and have a one-on-one talk with the contestant to solve the real underlying issue. Today’s BLM: back pain? Nah, you’re just crazy.

“Okay, you outside,” Jillian tells Danni.

Outside, Danni dutifully scapegoats. “I feel like I’m putting all the hard work I did on today. I don’t know why I’m doing that to myself. And I get mad when I see other people who haven’t worked as hard and I did everything right and that they could take it away from me, and I think I’m putting that on myself today and I don’t know why.”

This comment is amazing because she is clearly talking about Gina. Gina is the only contestant who is even close to Danni in terms of total weight lost. And here we go again with the claim that Gina doesn’t work as hard as everyone else. But if that’s true, then how has Gina been the biggest loser week after week after week?

It’s this moment that turns me off Danni entirely. She seemed like an okay person before this, but now she’s just a colossal, entitled whiner IMO. If Gina didn’t work as hard as Danni, then how did she outlast her on the side of the building? You don’t build that kind of muscle slacking off.

This is just more of the same villainizing Gina that everyone has done since the show began.

Later, we see Bob praising Jeff and Gina, telling them “We’ve achieved a lot in 11 weeks.” Or 14.5 weeks. Whatever.

“You were like that father figure, that someone that, you know, you want to help mold you, you want to help develop you,” Jeff tells Bob.  “And so that was one of the reasons why I wanted you to be my trainer.” Yes, but what happens at home when Jeff’s replacement dad isn’t around to shower him with praise?

“You have no idea how much that means to me,” Bob says, looking touched. “You have no idea.” Bob then tells Jeff to step outside with him. Oooooh goody, one more BLM!

“I can’t believe I’m doing this right now,” Bob says, starting to cry unprecedented tears.

“Did you ever know that you’re my hero? You’re everything I would like to be…”

“I never want you to go back to that person I saw in that video yesterday,” Bob says as we see that shot of Fat Jeff in bed. “He broke my heart and I’m not going to be able to quit thinking about him. And I saw him so sad and I saw him just lost. I don’t want that for you at all because you’re a good man.”

There’s a great wailing and gnashing of teeth. Then Jeff says, “He’s saved a lot of lives over the years and he’s definitely saved mine.” Yeah, just think of all the lives he’s saved until they ultimately regained the weight and thus jeopardized their lives.again.

“This is what The Biggest Loser is all about,” Bob tells the camera. “It’s about caring about these contestants. And I really, really care about these contestants. And I really, really care about Jeff.” Yeah, if there’s one word I associate with Biggest Loser, it’s compassion.

Here’s the thing about Bob’s tears: yeah, I think it’s absolutely possible for Bob Harper to grow emotionally attached to Jeff and that his tears are genuine. I think it is definitely possible, as Bob seems to be this bizarre mix of asshole trainer who tries to be understanding as well. As with all the trainers, what they do on the show is an act. They’re paid to be humongous dickweeds because that’s what people like to see. There is a real person there, though, and occasionally we get glimpses of it.

I think Bob is a well-intentioned asshole. He really does want to help contestants and believes The Biggest Loser is that help, in his opinion. Within that mindset and perspective, he believes he’s being compassionate. But if he simply looked at the long-term failure rate of the show, and if he were genuinely concerned for Jeff’s well being, he wouldn’t be quite so sanguine about Jeff’s weight loss.

Or perhaps the tears are due to the fact that Bob knows Thin Jeff’s reversion to Fat Jeff is inevitable once he leaves and that’s what he’s mourning. Who knows.

All I know is that we finally made it to the weigh-in!

Once again Danni shares her sour apples with the camera. “It doesn’t matter who was on top over all [Gina], who was the biggest loser overall [Gina], who was the biggest loser last week [Gina], it’s all on this week. This weigh-in is everything.”

Joe’s up first with one-pound advantage. “The way I’ve trained and what I’ve done all week, I shouldn’t have to use that and if I do, I’m glad I have it.”

Joe loses five pounds and there’s sparse clapping. Bob looks particularly bothered.

Look kids, Grandpa took out his teeth!

“Considering the work that I did this week, it’s letting me know that the more you lose, the harder it is to lose it,” Joe says.

Then Bob has the gall to say, “That makes absolutely no sense to me, actually.” How does this make no sense to you, Bob? For the past few weeks, we keep hearing about how the more weight you lose, the harder it is to lose it, which is why the contestants have to work harder than ever. Hell, it was even in the letter they sent home to contestants during episode 10: “Remember, the further you get in this competition, the harder it is to lose weight.”

Bob continues. “No offense Joe, but I’ve seen you with your shirt off. You got plenty more fat that needs to be burned off of you. Five pounds in the final week for Joe is shocking to me.” Oh Lawd, I do believe I have the vapors.

Fortunately for Bob, the General was there to catch him.

Joe continues to defend himself, “I look at it this way: this week wasn’t my consistent week and wherever that falls, wherever that lays, I let go and let God at this point because I’ve done everything I can every week, so that’s how I look at it.” All the while he’s smiling like a jackass.

Smile through the pain, Joe. You’ll be done soon enough.

After being sufficiently humiliated, Sweeney tells Joe he lost 125 pounds since coming to TBL. Everyone claps except Jillian.

Jackson’s next and he tells the camera, “I’m really nervous because Joe just lost 5 pounds. I did the same workouts as him and ate very similar to him. So I’m nervous that I’m going to be pulling probably around his number.”

Sure enough, Jackson loses five pounds, and everyone is shocked.

Bob is gobsmacked by Jillian’s shirt. What is this, The Pirates of Penzance?

“Five pounds is devastating,” Jackson says, starting to cry. “I just want to be biggest loser so bad. I’ve worked so hard to get there and it just feels like it’s slipping further and further away from me.” Get used to it, Jackson. There’s no way you’re catching up to Jillian or Gina, unless you start puking every time you — oh…

After the five pound reveal, Jillian shields her face with puffy sleeves as Jackson says, “I’m confused by the numbers, so they’re freaking me out. That’s all. They’re just freaking me out a little bit.” That’s the great thing about living a weight-centric lifestyle: the scale has the power to freak you out.

” This is the final win,” Jillian says to the camera. “This is when the scale explodes underneith you. What is happening right now? These guys are like fizzling.” Yeah, they, like, totally suck!

Bob says to Jackson, “This is the final weigh in here at The Biggest Loser which is a weight-loss competition and that’s why I’m freaking out.” Bob really emphasizes the “weight-loss competition” part because, let’s face it, we’ve been led to believe this is all about health and getting their lives back on track. It’s not. It’s a weight-loss competition, plain and simple.

“I get what Bob is saying, those are some low numbers,” Dolvett says to the camera. “This isn’t off to a good start at all. I’m predicting low numbers across the board, so I’m hoping Joe and Jackson still have a chance at this thing.”

Gina’s next, and she says to the camera, “I’ve done everything I could possibly do this week to be above the red and yellow line given my injury, but I’m the biggest loser in the house and I hope I can keep it up.”

Gina loses two pounds and everybody gasps, hands over their mouths.

“Does that surprise you?” Sweeney asks.

“Yes, I’m surprised,” Gina says, realizing she’s screwed. “I’ve never lost that little before and it’s certainly not because I didn’t work this week.”

“But you’ve never had a number like that before,” Bob tells her. “The fact that you’re standing up there with a two-pound weight loss at the final weigh-in before the finale and you’re not falling apart right now and you’re not yelling, screaming, jumping up and down, this is a big deal. You want to talk about improvement, you know what? It is what it is, right babe?”

The improvement Bob is referring to is the fact that Gina didn’t throw a tantrum on the scale when she only lost two pounds. Except Gina hasn’t thrown a tantrum at any time except when Jillian flipped out on her. In fact, the only people who have freaked out about Gina’s weight are her trainers. During that same Jillian-tantrum episode, Gina lost four pounds and the trainers proceeded to freak out and say “that’s not a Gina number” as though it were some objective reality she was violating.

The only time Gina has yelled or screamed has been in response to other people being an asshole to her. That’s it. Anything else is a tale told by idiots.

In the end, Gina accepts her fate graciously and says she’s just happy to have made it this far.

“This is what’s it’s all about,” Bob says. “This is huge for Gina.”

Yes, finally Gina has overcome the biased editing of Biggest Loser. Way to go, Gina!

Jeff’s next and he has to lose more than six pounds to stay above yellow line. Jeff loses 11.

Bob cries out, “That’s the number” before running up to the scale to give Jeff a hug because that’s how much he loves him.

Jeff says he had three goals going into the show: “Make it to makeover week, lose over 100 pounds before leaving the ranch, and to be able to bust through that old disgusting picture of myself on that stage at finale.”

Finally, Danni’s turn. She has to lose more than two to not be eliminated and more than four to be finalist.

Jillian says to the camera, “She’s worked harder for this than any other contestant this season.” Yeah, there’s no bias there.

Seriously, what the hell is Jillian wearing?

Danni loses 11 pounds. Gina blows Danni a kiss from the peanut gallery.

Danni says, “I’m excited to prove to America that if I can do it, you sure as hell can do it.” Yeah, that’s certainly what this proves. America, if you get incarcerated at a workout/fat camp for 100 days and are forced to work out 46 hours per week and eat 1,200 calories per day, you can do what Danni did!

“I just love you, buddy,” Jillian says, clearly emotional. “I do, I just love you. You’re fantastic. I don’t know how many times I can tell you, so, like, really honey, I just love you to death.” She loves your boobs too, Danni.

That gives us this final leaderboard.

As a result, Gina goes home, but she’s smiling as she goes.

After painting her as a whiny baby all season, Gina finally get’s a kind camera treatment.

“Someone once said I was a gracious southern woman and tonight I proved it, Gina says to the camera.

Except, didn’t Gina say in episode 10, “I want to be accommodating and I want to be gracious, but you know what? I’ve been gracious my whole life and look where it’s gotten me.”

See, here’s the thing, Gina: being gracious did not get you “there” (meaning fat, I’m guessing). That’s just Jillian’s theory from episode 9, and now you’ve adopted it as your own. And now that the “graciousness” claim no longer serves it’s purpose, you’re allowed to go back to that personality trait you’ve had all along without recrimination.

It’s only when Jillian needs something to hang her psychobabble hat on that she grabs some random personality trait to blame. In your case, it’s your gracious nature. Don’t listen to Jillian. Never lose that.

Jeff and Danni are the finalists, while America votes on Jackson vs. Joe, and you know who I’m rooting for. We also learn that these four will spend a week at the Biggest Loser resort before going home for an unspecified amount of time.

At the very end, we get some super-optimism.

Jeff says, “Since being at The Biggest Loser, a lot has changed for me. I’m very happy. I’m very excited to see what every day has in store for me. I look to my future and I see nothing but bright skies and endless possibilities.”

Jackson says, “I’m finally in the right space in my head and in my body that I can achieve anything I want to.”

And Danni says, “You can’t just play a game and end in the third quarter. You’ve gotta finish through the fourth quarter. Finale is the fourth quarter, and I’m gonna take it all the way. The athlete is back.” This is an interesting claim when contrasted with her comment in episode 10: “I feel beautiful and I’m not that athlete anymore. You don’t see the beast that everyone called me.”

Finally, we see Gina’s progress at home.

“Before the Biggest Loser the biggest problem in our marriage was my insecurity because of my weight,” Gina says. “I couldn’t keep up with him. We then see Gina watching her husband golf from her golf cart.

He walks the 18 holes, while Gina follows in a cart because she’s that lazy.

“The greatest fear that I had was that he would be pushing me around in a wheelchair in the next few years. But now…” shot of Gina dropping her fat pants.

No wonder Gina was so fat, she had a man in her pants!

“…not only can I keep up with my husband, but on some things I can outdo my husband.” Shot of Gina and husband reaching the top of some government building’s stairs at the same time. “So he’s not having to take care of me any more, we’re just taking care of ourselves.”

As an added bonus, Gina makes a commercial for TBL.

“Before the Biggest Loser I was teaching my children very poor eating habits, and now I want to teach my kids what I learned on the ranch about how important it is to eat breakfast,” Gina says as we see her and her family walking to Subway.

Everything I learned from Biggest Loser is inside Subway.

“So I’ll take them to Subway where they have these three fresh fit sandwich choices that are all under 200 calories and six grams of fat or less.” Wow! A breakfast sandwich that’s under 200 calories? That’s awesome!

Until you look at the fine print in the photo above: “Calories and fat contents refer to regular 3″ SUBWAY Fresh Fit subs…” Wow, you mean Subway has developed a 200 calorie sandwich that’s three inches long? That’s amazing!

Gina lectures her children on eating breakfast at Subway and then she says, “They both have a shot at living long, healthy lives now because of what I”ve learned on the ranch.”

Yeah, that’s worked out so well for the other former Biggest Loser contestants, so I’m sure getting second-hand information will yield even greater results.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I like Gina. I think she got the shaft royally, and that the producers set out to paint her in the worst possible light. Gina has repeatedly been dismissed as a slacker and a trouble-maker, when all available evidence points to the contrary. The only difference between the real Gina and the one on this show is how the trainers and other contestants talked about her and the clips that the editors chose.

If there were any justice on The Biggest Loser, then they would have played up the fact that GINA CLIMBED A FUCKING MOUNTAIN WITH A FUCKING SPRAINED ANKLE!!!

Maybe she no longer has a shot at the title of biggest loser, but fuck that noise: Gina is the Strongest Winner. In spite of it all, Gina continued to build her strength and endurance until she could both outlast Danni on the side of the building and hike that mountain in what must have been excruciating pain. These are epic achievements and Gina was given short shrift on her accomplishments because it would have tainted the “Gina sucks” message they were promoting.

And so, for this final episode, I’m officially naming the editors and producers of The Biggest Loser as the biggest dickweeds for shamelessly tarnishing Gina’s reputation to drive their narrative of convenience. They needed a bad guy and they twisted Gina’s footage to that end. Anyone watching with a critical eye could see that Gina’s assertiveness could easily be spun in the proper hands as strength of character or obnoxious pushiness. TBL chose the latter, and dragged her through the mud for the sake of the narrative.

If you think this is wrong, sign the petition to stop Biggest Loser and join our boycott.

Previous recaps

• Prequel — Paging Dr. Dolgoff
• Episode 1 — The Biggest Dickweed
• Episode 2 — Reclaiming Worth
• Episode 3 — Crossfire Hurricane
• Episode 4 — Cognitive Dissonance
• Episode 5 — Abracadabra
• Episode 6 — Mystery Tramp
• Episode 7 — Valentine’s Day Massacre
• Episode 8 — Queen Bee
• Episode 9 — Fear and Loathing
• Episode 10 — Half Baked
• Episode 11 — Fresh Puke

It seems like in every episode of Biggest Loser, there’s this thing called the Biggest Loser Challenge which I guess is TBL’s version of “The More You Know.”

I guess theirs would be “The Fatter You Are.”

Sometimes they’re infomercials for the “healthy” processed foods Biggest Loser endorses, sometimes they’re just healthy recipes, and sometimes they’re glimpses at community wellness programs that are supported by TBL sponsors. I don’t really get what the “challenge” actually is in these cases.

Other times, the “challenge” is absolutely clear, but it makes you shake your damn head anyway.

During episode 8 (the episode of Jillian’s massive tantrum), there’s a Biggest Loser Challenge that features Jillian getting serious for a minute with the camera:

Did you know that only 11% of girls feel comfortable calling themselves beautiful? Well Seventeen magazine has partnered with The Biggest Loser to help teens everywhere be confident on the inside and out. Through Seventeen‘s Body Peace Treaty, anyone can take a vow to focus more on healthy lifestyle and attack their goals instead of their looks. Together we’re challenging America to sign the treaty.

Whujawha?

Okay, sorry, the stupid froze up my computer and I had to reboot.

Did Jillian Michaels, Queen of the Bullies, just say “anyone can take a vow to focus more on healthy lifestyle and attack their goals instead of their looks”?

Jillian “Why did you get fat to begin with?” Michaels?

And The Biggest Loser is promoting body peace? The same Biggest Loser that uses contestants’ insecurities against them as “motivation,” like the time Bob told Alex, “You stood on that scale day one saying that you were disgusting and that you don’t want to feel this way any more”? That Biggest Loser?

You may recall that last July 14-year-old Julia Bluhm received some attention for an online petition that got 86,000 signatures to ask Seventeen to stop Photoshopping its models.

Julia Bluhm, awesome young woman.

In response, Seventeen‘s editor-in-chief Ann Shoket responded:

She said the entire staff signed the eight-point pact, in which the magazine promises that it will “never change girls’ body or face shapes” and will include only images of “real girls and models who are healthy.”

Shoket also pledged that Seventeen would also post the “images of the shoots on the magazine’s Tumblr blog so readers could see the progression of the pictures.” Sounds good, right?

And then there’s this Body Peace Treaty, which anyone can sign and contribute their own pledge. Here’s the original version of the pledge:

This pledge is a step in the right direction for Seventeen, but a huge fuckin’ leap from the basic premise and entire execution of The Biggest Loser.

So how do they bridge the gap?

They use 16-year-old Sunny Chandrasekar, one of the three child contestants on this season’s Biggest Loser. On the show itself, they didn’t begin talking about the kids’ weight loss on camera until the second-to-last episode. Instead, they talk about “getting healthy” and making “lifestyle changes.” They don’t weigh the kids and if you didn’t know any better, you’d guess they weren’t trying to lose weight at all.

But if you read Sunny’s journal on Seventeen‘s website, you find a different story. In her first entry, Sunny talks about getting healthy and says that by “making healthy choices, I’m respecting my body.” By the second entry, she’s starting to sound like a dieter when she says, “When you’re truly hungry, almost anything tastes good, and I feel really proud of myself for choosing carrots over chips.” For the fifth entry, she talks about how her improved endurance boosts her self-confidence, which is positive. Then, she gives an interesting recipe:

By using pita bread for a base, low fat cheese, and loads of yummy veggies, we enjoyed some delicious pizza — and didn’t feel guilty afterwards!

But… I thought… the pizza… the sun still rises…

Week six is when you start to realize what’s going on:

This week has been really gratifying because I’m starting to see the results of my hard work in the gym. At the start of the week, my trainer re-took my body measurements, and it turns out that I lost some major inches all around. I lost four inches from my thighs, and six inches from my waist since December 2012! No wonder my jeans were falling off!

By week seven, she seems to be going overboard:

So far weight loss had been going great — I was putting in the work and felt like the weight was just melting off. This week however, was not so easy. I had a particular goal in mind, and worked my butt off aiming for that goal, but when I stepped on the scale, I was terribly shocked to find that my weight hadn’t moved an inch! I stepped off, took a deep breath, gave the scale a little kick, and stepped on again — but my weight didn’t budge. I felt terrible! It just didn’t make sense to me, because my diet and exercise had been spot-on. My trainer told me I hit a plateau in my weight loss, but I didn’t want to hear it.

As a result, she tried “upping the intensity” of her workout by skipping rope. The next day her calves were so cramped she couldn’t get out of bed, despite trying ice, heat, massages and medicine. ”I had over-worked my body and it was letting me know that it needed a break,” Sunny says. She took a day to recoup, which is probably the best thing she could have done. Of course, contestants on The Biggest Loser aren’t afforded such a luxury.

Sunny’s insights throughout the season have been pretty good, even though it’s in the context of Biggest Loser and weight loss. It makes me think that some day, Sunny will learn about Health at Every Size^® and finally get it. For now, we’ll have to settle for the insights she comes up with on her own, like this:

While this frustrated me at first, I had to think back to the reason why I did this in the first place — to get healthy. By making the decision to listen to my body and give it the rest it needed, I made a healthy and wise choice. This week I learned that a number on the scale has nothing to do with how successful I am on this journey. I want to feel amazing and love myself, and the only way I can do that is to take care of my health. I’m going to be just fine!

During week eight, we see the journal crossover with the show when Sunny says, “My family is vegetarian, and while you might think this is healthier, it turns out that we we’re actually carbotarians!.” As you may recall, during episode 3, Dr. Splenda told Sunny, “What I see very often is kids telling me they’re vegetarians, when actually they are what I call carbotarians. They’re turning mostly to carbohydrates.”

Sunny agrees. “A lot of what you’re saying rings true, like we eat a lot of rice because we use that a lot in our Indian cuisine.” And since Dr. Dolgoff knows better than traditional Indian cuisine, she told Sunny to decrease her carbs and increase her intake of lean proteins. The result? “For a guilt-free pizza I use portobello mushrooms as a base, instead of bread.”

Remember when Sunny had a pita pizza without any guilt? Now, Sunny has to revamp her guilt-free recipe to adhere Dr. Dolgoff’s low carb/high protein diet. Now pita bread causes guilt. When does it end?

The answer: it doesn’t. Ever.

Once Sunny goes down this path, there will always be a collection of “guilty” foods. If she eats them, even the slightest nibble, she will feel like she has committed a grave offense. And yet the first bullet on the Body Peace Treaty is “Remember that the sun will rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza…”

But there’s Sunny reminding girls that they must choose between guilt-free pizza and guilt-laden pizza.

I’m not saying that Sunny shouldn’t make portobello mushroom pizzas. If she likes it, awesome. My point is that the Body Peace Treaty is being undermined by Sunny’s own weight loss mentality. And she is absolutely, 100% crash dieting during this journal. (SPOILER ALERT TO THE RESULTS OF THE BIGGEST LOSER FINALE) The fact that she lost nearly 30% of her body weight in 22-24 weeks is not possible without engaging in serious restriction and massive amounts of exercise.

As Dr. Yoni Freedhoff summarized in this awesome post, even Dr. Splenda says that rapid weight loss is dangerous. Her idea of “sensible” weight loss is a half pound to one pound per week. In the end, Sunny lost 51 pounds, meaning she lost at twice the rate Dr. Splenda recommends. But even if they didn’t spend the first 10 episodes talking about it, Biggest Loser still wants the kids to get eye-popping results like the adults. And that means the kids had to crash diet. Nothing about Sunny’s journey on Biggest Loser is compatible with the Body Peace Treaty. Particularly week nine:

A typical birthday for me in the past would have involved lots of junk food and treats, and of course, cake. This year, I stepped into the gym and was immediately greeted by my trainer Lisa, who was holding something behind her back with a mischievous grin. She revealed a tiny, sweet mandarin orange with a birthday candle stuck into it. As I blew out the candle I felt a sense of immense gratitude for the opportunities I have been given.

This is how Biggest Loser has kids celebrating their birthdays. It’s her birthday and she can’t have cake. Why not? Because she needs to lose two pounds a week, which won’t happen if she eats her birthday cake. The fact that her trainer encourages this mentality bothers me as well.

That anti-cake mentality requires the dieter to convince themselves that a mandarin orange tastes better than cake. Mandarin oranges are delicious, for sure (especially when frozen a bit so they get icy and cold), but compared to a slice of your favorite cake in the world (or pie or whatever your ideal birthday treat would be), you have to be deluded to say a tiny mandarin orange is tastier.

Very few times in life do you get the chance to make a difference, and this year I have been given that chance. After an exhausting workout, I ate the orange and it was, hands-down, the best birthday cake I’ve ever tasted.

On your birthday, you get a slice of cake, and it’s very good and it’s very delicious. Only in the mind of the dieter is that basic reality rejected. Sunny is 100% dieting. Week ten continues the dieter’s delusion:

I have started recognizing triggers and try to avoid them. I’ve also found that a relaxing long soak in a hot bath tub with my favorite music on, is as much of a treat as a piece of chocolate!

It’s like comparing a Camaro to a thoroughbred. Soaking in a hot tub does not cancel out the deliciousness of chocolate. The triggers she mentions are the forbidden foods she dare not touch, lest she lose all control and undo the hard work she’s put in. Chocolate and pizza and birthday cake are booby traps and she has to use diversionary tactics to prevent herself from remembering what those things taste like.

This is the restriction half of the restriction/disinhibition cycle. Some people can stick with the restriction side for months, even years, until a moment of stress or drastic life change or depression. Something upsets the equilibrium that allows the diet to persist. But restriction in itself is stressful, as you can tell from Sunny’s descriptions. The appeal of food is not just hedonistic, it’s emotional as well. If you don’t have a balanced relationship with food, then the moment your attention turns to something more important than staying perpetually thin, you finally give in to that piece of chocolate you’ve been denying yourself and suddenly realize that a relaxing soak in a hot bath tub with your favorite music on and chocolate is the best experience of all. And having abstained so long, you will more than likely go overboard.

A healthy lifestyle does not mean eliminating certain food from your diet forever. It’s about learning to maintain a healthy, balanced diet that both increases the amount of wholesome foods and respects the natural cravings for fat, sugar and salt that all humans have had since time immemorial. It’s about striking a balance, not religious devotion to “good” and “bad” foods.

Attaching morality to food helps the dieter deny the fact that some foods actually do taste better than others. Taste denial is Ground Zero for the dieter’s mentality, and it’s captured perfectly in Kate Moss’ thinspiration motto:

During week eleven, Sunny says something eerily similar. “I’m addicted to the feeling of being healthy and accomplishing my goals — the taste of success is better than any food!”

She then goes on to make weight loss sound pretty straightforward:

I realized that to become truly healthy, I have to love myself, respect myself, and live up to the standard that I deserve. I’m sorry to say that there is no trick to weight loss, no magical cure for obesity. Simple research can tell you what to eat, how to exercise, but the real change has to be in the mind.

These final thoughts betray the effort that had to go into losing two pounds a week. But as we all know, losing weight isn’t the hard part. Keeping it off is the trick, and Sunny has been led to believe that there’s something special about Biggest Loser that makes their weight loss plan work better.

There isn’t.

Mark my words, at least two of the three kids from this season’s Biggest Loser will regain the weight by January 1, 2018. Sunny will be 21, Biingo and Lindsay will be 18. Maintaining the crash diet they went on for a TV show is going to be the hardest thing they’ll ever attempt to do, and at least two of them will fail, if not all. But at least that’s better than if one of them develops an eating disorder.

My hope is that they will all eventually find true peace with their bodies, but as long as the Body Peace Treaty collaborates with Biggest Loser, then the entire premise is doomed from the start.

I believe that Seventeen began their Body Peace Treaty as an honest attempt to meet Julia Bluhm’s high expectations, but in the current environment, Biggest Loser is seen as such a shrine to health and wellness that First Lady Michelle Obama shamefully endorsed it. I believe her endorsement is what made this season with children possible.

There is nothing healthy or realistic about Biggest Loser and while the children on the show rarely talked about losing weight (until the end), it doesn’t change the fact that they were very much crash dieting. And this is the message they sent to millions of American families: if your kids eat healthy and exercise, they’ll lose 30% of their body weight in a few months. That isn’t true for the adults on Biggest Loser and it isn’t true for the kids either. What’s true is the kids got those results with severe caloric restriction and ridiculous amounts of exercise.

This is exactly what people feared when TBL announced it would feature kids this season and the controversy died down because they weren’t as overt as expected. But now we see the results of this experiment and it’s incredibly disturbing. And it’s far from what TBL promised in it’s brand partnership announcement:

For the first time ever, Seventeen Magazine partners with The Biggest Loser to help teens everywhere stop obsessing about what their bodies look like and start appreciating all the amazing things their bodies can do. Through Seventeen‘s groundbreaking Body Peace Project, a massive campaign to promote positive body image, the teens learn how to have a better relationship with their bodies — at any size.

This is also not what Julia Bluhm intended with her petition. Bluhm writes for a blog called Spark Movement and one of her co-bloggers wrote the following:

[U]nfortunately, Seventeen has just completely undermined the progress they’ve made for girls. On Seventeen’s website, under the same “Health” tab where you can find their “Body Peace Treaty,” is an announcement of their partnership with fat-hating, unhealthy, and downright abusive NBC “reality” TV show The Biggest Loser… Seventeen can claim “Body Peace,” but it’s nothing but hypocrisy as long as they’re supporting an all-out war against obesity, a war where safety, happiness, and self-acceptance are necessary casualties.

Well said.

Trigger warning: This post thoroughly discusses an episode The Biggest Loser, including the abusive bullshit as well as the weigh-ins.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, the final episode. I cannot tell you how relieved I am to be nearly done with this project. I committed myself to analyzing an entire season of The Biggest Loser because I wanted to document what they were doing with the kids, first and foremost. There was a lot of concern that TBL would be putting these kids on diets and weighing them like the adults. As NBC wrote in its December 3 press release:

The focus for the kids will be on getting healthy rather than numbers on a scale, so they will not be eligible for elimination and will not weigh in on camera. They will work at both the ranch and at home, and their progress will be featured in every episode… Along with the trainers and the “Biggest Loser” medical staff, the kids will follow an age-appropriate program that will help them get healthy, achieve their personal goals and transform their lives during the course of the season.

This was meant to ease the concerns of people who worried that treating the kids like the adults might trigger and eating disorder, as covered in the LA Times.

Adding children to a show known for driving contestants to tears with punishing workouts and food temptations has been met with criticism. Won’t this open the children to ridicule? Is it putting too much pressure on the youngsters? Could it set them up for an eating disorder later in life?

But TBL claimed that criticism was premature:

“Biggest Loser” executive producer Lisa Hennessy asks that viewers reserve judgment until after the Sunday and Monday episodes that open a new season of a show that has seen ratings sag of late. She said “The Biggest Loser” decided to take the risky step of bringing children onboard in part because it felt hypocritical not to: Here was a prime-time TV show encouraging health and fitness among adults, and completely ignoring kids even as childhood obesity rates soared.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

Here are childhood obesity rates since 1999:

This is not soaring. This is not the out-of-control crisis we’ve been sold. Now, prior to 1999, that’s when the real “soaring” took place.

In fact, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (the people who write the annual “F as in Fat” panic report) were just boasting about declining childhood obesity rates in Philadelphia,New York City, Mississippi, and California (PDF). But a childhood obesity panic is a great way to justify putting fat kids on a prime time diet.

The network quietly held an “obesity summit” involving childhood obesity experts to decide how to move forward, she said. Among the ways the game is being changed to accommodate the teens, who are dubbed show “ambassadors”: They won’t step on a scale, they won’t face elimination, and they won’t be put on a drastic, low-calorie diet. Instead, they will be immersed in a food-and-fitness regimen overseen by a childhood obesity expert that puts the emphasis on functional fitness and making sound food choices, Hennessy said. [emphasis mine]

Basically, they asked some obesity experts (and I’m wondering who, personally) how they could pull this off without offending everyone and their mother. They come out of the summit with no weigh-ins, no contest, and no “drastic, low-calorie diet.” Instead, they get Dr. Dolgoff’s program, which promotes slow, moderate weight loss, as outlined in Dr. Yoni Freedhoff’s assessment.

But look at the way the LA Times phrases the weighing part, compared to NBC’s claim that the kids “will not weigh in on camera.” Emphasis mine.

See that little loophole they gave themselves? They’re not going to show us the kids getting weighed, but they will most certainly be weighed by Biggest Loser.  And during the Grand Finale, (SPOILER ALERT) they announce the weight loss achieved by all three kids. Because even though the kids aren’t in a weight loss competition, and even though they never explicitly talk about the weight loss goals of the children, the kids are most certainly on the show to lose weight. We got a peek into Sunny’s Seventeen weight loss journal, so we know what she’s doing.

And as we already saw in the last episode, Dr. Joanna Dolgoff (aka Dr. Splenda) couldn’t wait to announce that Biingo had lost 25% of his body weight so far, which is comparable to what the remaining adult contestants had lost. By necessity, Biingo would have to drastically restrict his calories to achieve a 25% weight loss within 100 days. And I would love to ask the participants of that secret obesity summit if they would agree or disagree with that.

Hennessy’s final comment is the most galling. “We’re not exploiting the kids, we are helping the kids,” she said. “The fans will not be disappointed.”

And to their credit, Biggest Loser did it’s best to convince their fans and critics alike that they weren’t exploiting kids, but the ultimate judgement lies with time. Sunny, Biingo and Lindsay are still developing, and they still have a lifetime of struggles to overcome. Will they be able to maintain whatever lifestyle changes they’ve been taught to make as they confront the stress of growing up, or are they being set up for long-term failure.

Recently I’ve heard from a lot of people that my approach to discussing the failure of dieting is depriving them of their right to feel hopeful about their prospects. While I understand the desperate need to have a real possibility of permanent change, of a “normal” body that doesn’t get treated like crap, of a future where you can be loved and accepted and treated with dignity. People believe that if long-term weight loss is nearly impossible to maintain, that they will forever lose their right to being treated like a decent human being or their ability to be happy.

Except it works just the opposite. As long as they rely on that illusion of permanent weight loss, they won’t demand dignity for themselves whether they’re able to lose weight or not. As long as the hope is alive, there’s something they can do about the problem of stigma.

Sunny, Biingo and Lindsay have no idea that sites like this even exist. They have just put in a crapload of work to lose a crapload of weight and they have no idea that there is research suggesting that at least two of them will regain the weight within five years. My words will not affect their hope, so over time, we will see if this exhibitionist childhood dieting actually works or not. My hope is that if they aren’t able to maintain their weight loss, that they will find a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle that does not perpetuate the cycle.

Drone Warfare

The best part of live television is that anything can happen. Once you put an editor between you and the initial shots, you’ve got room to manipulate the product to look better than it ordinarily would. What has caught me off guard about TBL is how slick the production value is. Everyone is edited within a day of his or her life. Based on the wardrobe, you can see Bob rambling on about something that happened five weeks ago, and get shit completely wrong, but it shapes the narrative TBL wants to push.

On the show, there could be injuries that look bad, but not too bad. For instance, we never do see how David got his stress fracture during the first episode, which was like a blooper reel of injuries. Considering he was on crutches the entire show, it must have been a pretty nasty incident.

There’s been plenty to make fun of in the regular, edited show, but live TV has given me a weird, alternate angle to mock TBL and it’s in the way that live television works. Everything is timed, down to the minute, and any deviation from that schedule means you risk overshooting your time slot. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be if they spent so much time talking to former contestants that they didn’t have time for the final weigh-in?

So the best part of this episode is hands down Allison Sweeney, who is clearly desperate to keep the show moving on time, and having a difficult time managing it. Before I even saw the end of this episode, I read some complaints that the show ended abruptly after the winner was announced, and indeed it was. Which is what makes watching Sweeney sweat the delays hilarious to me for some reason.

There’s also the unvarnished quality of all the personalities you’ve seen presented to you in a very specific manner to emphasize or de-emphasize particular characteristics or traits. Personally, I think they played up Gina’s obnoxious qualities while dialing down Joe’s dickish qualities. Editing makes that possible.

So when the obnoxious announcers says, “Live from Hollywood it’s The Biggest Loser finale” you know you’re in for an interesting show.

THE END IS NEAR!

For instance, people make signs with no point of reference.

I have no idea what “Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!” means.
Is this a Welcome Back Kotter reference?

Sweeney comes out and begins an introductory segment about how far the contestants have come complete with video montage.

“Not only did our contestants change their lives,” Sweeney tells us. “America, so did you.” On the screen behind her, we see footage from earlier in the season when the contestants worked out with their community. “We challenged you to join the fight and hundreds of thousands of you from every corner of the country answered the call, including some we’re going to meet later in the show.” Oh boy, I can’t wait. “But first, let’s look at the grueling journey our contestants endured to make it to tonight.”Now it’s time for the another of many, many montages. That’s what this episode mostly is: a bunch of fucking montages from the rest of the show, recut to the bone. What makes these montages interesting is that in the limited time they have to recap a certain contestant or an experience, they only get to pick a few clips to drive home the point. Which clips they pick are meaningful in that these are the moments that the editors and producers felt best reflected either the individual or the moment.

Editing is necessarily deliberate, which makes their ultimate choice quite revealing as to the underlying intent of the show. Most of these montages will be represented by a brief description and an animated gif. But most of this shit we’ve seen before, so we don’t need to revisit it.

In this first montage, we get a taste of the overall Biggest Loser experience. Sweeney’s voiceover says, “The one and only Jillian Michaels returned” followed by footage of her gesturing to all of Nathan’s body and saying “This is abuse and me kicking you out is stopping it!” Sweeney continued, “And she was tougher than ever. Joining Bob and Dolvett, the trainers made everyone experience the pain. And they learned that weakness can turn into strength.”

Of course, this is followed by shots of various contestants giving up, then being yelled at until they got up and did it again. After that, we naturally get the footage of contestants on the scale giving happy whoops. Then Sweeney says, “Tonight, four people are fighting for the grand prize and they’ve gone all out to prepare for the finale, including a one week stay at one of the award winning Biggest Loser resorts where they’ve trained and continued to lose weight.”

There’s some morphs of Danni and Jeff going from fat to thin. Of course, they describe Jeff as “a son hoping to honor his father’s memory.” After that is a bunch of sap and schmaltz and inspirational music. We’ve seen this shit. Don’t care. Great montage.

Referring to the trainers, Sweeney says, “They’ve helped us lead the charge against childhood obesity.”

You may recall that Sweeney introduced the trainers in a similar fashion during the live segment of the first episode. “Tonight, we’re bringing out some real life superheroes, people who fight every single day against one of the biggest villains in this country: obesity.” And in episode 2, were were told that “An obesity epidemic is attacking our nation.”

It all makes sense; this is the War on Fat. And these are three most popular Generals in that War.

Sweeney introduces them by saying, “None of this would have been possible without the help of three unbelievably, incredibly, very, very, very important people.” Pour it on, Sweeney.

“Whoa, slow down, Bob. The party’s just startin’.

Of course, the crowd goes wild because the trainers are the real stars of the show. And one of the reasons they’re so popular is their stylin’ threads. Case in point, Bob’s rubber shirt.

Dolvett signals to the crew, which fatty in the audience will be detained on the ranch next.

Sweeney asks Jillian how it feels to be back, and they giggle and joke. Then she asks, “What’s it like to fight childhood obesity?”

Bob’s got this one, “I’ve been on the show since season 1″ he says, looking and gesturing to Jillian “and I really thought it was the responsibility of The Biggest Loser to really bring this issue to light because our children need our help and at The Biggest Loser we’re going to do everything that we can to help our future.” Yeah, that childhood obesity issue has been a total wash in the media, hasn’t it?

They ask more questions that I couldn’t be bothered to transcribe because, let’s face it, we don’t really care. We want to know whether Jackson or Joe was voted out of the final three by the viewers who voted online. Well, I mean, we know who was voted out. Jackson vs. Joe? Are you kidding? Jackson has a great personality, if a little on the hyperbolic side (Danni too), while Joe is a creepy dickweed. Him and his creepy twin brother.

To quote a certain curmudgeonly shopkeeper: “Creeper, creeper, creeper. YOU GIVE ME THE CREEPS!”

Anyway, with the trainers seated, it’s time to find out if it’s Jackson or Joe. WOOOOOOOOO!

Sweeney introduces Jackson as the first openly gay contestant, and we see a door with an Jackson’s fat, shirtless self as the camera scrolls up from feet to head, then the door (and the image) slides apart, and the new, not fat Jackson emerges.

I do not suggest watching this the Grand Finale on acid.
I haven’t stopped screaming since seeing this.

Jackson descends the steps and walks toward the camera when suddenly — FAT HOLOGRAM JACKSON APPEARS!

IT’S COMING TO KILL US ALL! RUUUUUUUUUN!!!!
[Click to see the Holopocalpse]

You know, it’s really easy to sit there and tell these kids “No soda at the youth center, no junk foods at the youth center.” And that went well for a little while, but after I left and starting doing this and started eating right and started taking control of my own health, they really started to get into it. After I left, they started an exercise plan. They’re helping cook healthier meals in the kitchen for themselves. So not only are they eating healthier foods, they’re learning how to make it.

That’s totally cool that they’re learning to cook healthier meals in the kitchen. But the idea that these changes happened because Jackson lost weight? What happens if he regains the weight? What is the message then?

After the inspirational talk, Sweeney talks about how popular Jackson is, and people in the audience scream.

Hi there!

“Seriously, your enthusiasm,” Sweeney gushes. “I just could not love you more right now. And I’m not the only one. I couldn’t even open up my twitter feed for, like, the people obsessed with you. I mean, you must have gotten such a huge response on every social networking things that’s out there. I mean, Twitter went insane for you. Did that keep you going? Did that motivate you?” As she’s going on and on about Jackson’s enormous following, the giant TV screen behind Jackson shows three examples of the insanity Jackson caused.

“He’s the best Jackson since that Michael feller!”
[Click to see the Jackson tweets roll by waaaaaaay too fast too read.]

“They probably were,” Sweeney laughed.

“Yeah, probably,” Jackson joked. “Trying to eat their dinner, ‘Oh, I’m done,’” he says, pantomiming a push of the plate. The audience laughs because puking is hilarious.

Now it’s time to bring out Joe. Have I mentioned that I don’t like Joe? Even though Gina was the demonized character, Joe was the real dickweed IMO. When Gina fell and screamed in pain during the race on the sand hill, Joe dragged Gina to her feet without knowing the extent of her injuries. And in episode 9, after Danni falls onto the cinderblock, Joe gleefully gloats that he beat Danni because she fell.

Joe’s the biggest dickweed among contestants, for sure.

Sweeney introduces him as the contestant who lost 100 pounds the fastest. “Give a great big hello to Joe.”

Cut to Joe’s creepy twin brother.

HE’S LOOKING INTO YOUR SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUL!!!
[Click to see Joe's creepy twin brother LOOKING INTO YOUR SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUL!!!]

Click to see Joe emerge a beautiful skinnyfly!

And now that we know the schtick, it’s not a big deal when we see Joe’s holofatty rise up from a stick of margarine.

Click to see the Butterman Cometh.

Joe shakes his head at the disgraceful holofatty. For shame, holofatty.

When Joe gets to Sweeney, you have to keep in mind that she has just finished the most exuberant, giddy, demonstratively enamored introduction for Jackson. You could not mistake Sweeney’s enthusiasm for Jackson, and as she’s talking about the fans overwhelming her Twitter account, they show three enormous tweets in support of Jackson.

I just could not love you more right now. And I’m not the only one. I couldn’t even open up my twitter feed for, like, the people obsessed with you. I mean, you must have gotten such a huge response on every social networking things that’s out there. I mean, Twitter went insane for you.

Now, with Joe beside her, she says tepidly, “Wow. That was quite a major reaction you just got and that’s gotta feel so good. So good.” Then they cut to Joe talking about it feeling so good. So good. And as he starts to talk, they show this tweet:

The Twitterverse exploded with support for Joe as an option.

“It feels amazing, the reaction that I’m getting from where I’ve, where I’ve, what I’ve been through.” Crickets. “I mean, that reaction is like  just coming in through social media and Jackson, I’m sure…” Did he just say that the reaction from fans is coming in through Jackson? “It’s just amazing that, you know, through our transition, our transformation that America gets to see” voice cracks “that. And it’s just beautiful. I mean, this is who we are.” Yeah, I totally get what you’re saying, brosephus. It’s just so beautiful and that is who you are. Yeah. Man, I’m voting for Joe.

Jackson has cooties.

“Joe, I feel like I know you,” Sweeney says in one of the most hilarious back-handed compliments I’ve ever heard on live television. “Joe, get over here,” Sweeney says, a bit frustrated. “First of all, come stand on your mark. I feel like I have known you for a while.” Weren’t we on a TV show together, or something? “We’ve all seen you on the scale. I have never seen you this emotional.”

Joe has some many emotions right now. He’s a seething cauldron of emotion.

“When you say emotions, it’s like, how many are there?” I don’t know, Joe. Happy. Sad. Flatulent. What, like seven? “There’s so many emotions that you feel, that you bring in.” From Mexico. “And Jackson, I mean, this guy’s been ‘em from the beginning.” Jackson’s been emotions? I think something might be getting lost in translation here.”I mean, he’s… on my leg, on my leg.” WHAT?!?!? Oooooh, the puking thing. Okay, I was thinking something totally different. “It’s just, to see where everybody’s come” WHAT!!!!!!!! “and the emotions for everybody.” Emotions for everybody! “Just look at where everybody, the transition that every single one of us has made.” Right now, Sweeney is trying to figure out how to get Joe to shut up so they can cut to commercial. “It’s just a beautiful transition and to be able to bring that out to America and then to just feel that and know that people are doing that, and that I have a twin brother doing that.” Yeah, did you mention that you’re a twin yet, Joe? No? It’s not too late to say it again. Did you mention that you were born on the same day? “You know, it’s amazing.” No, Joe. It’s not.

FINALLY! Once Joe quits his yappin’, we can find out which of these two scintillating personalities America has chosen to be in the final three.

I never dreamed that I would climb over the moon in ecstasy
But nevertheless, it’s there that I’m shortly about to be.

But first, a commercial break.

So, uh… who do ya think wins?

SPOILER ALERT!!!

It’s not the dull, creepy guy.

When we return, Joe and Jackson announce their engagement.

Actually, it looks like they are sharing one hand.

Sweeney announces this winner, and this gif should tell you all you need to know about the outcome.

Click for a gleeful threesome.

And then Joe’s attempt at a dignified concession, all the while Jackson’s positively frantic with delight.

This is my second favorite awkward TBL photo after this one.

I’m glad Jackson won because he seems like a good guy, but I’m even gladder that Joe lost because have I mentioned that I don’t like Joe very much?

Fantasy Island

I know I’ve mentioned my contempt for the inclusion of kids on the show, but I’m not sure which exploitative aspect I find most disturbing. Is it the fact that these kids were put on crash diets? Or is it the fact that they are mainlining the Fantasy of Being Thin straight into the minds of the adolescent audience?

If you’ve been following the recaps from the beginning, then you know that the show has been building up the anxieties of the three kids: Lindsay’s wish to get back on the cheerleading team she was bullied off of; Biingo’s wish to join a baseball team; Sunny’s wish to fit into a prom dress.

Click to see Sunny hang her head in shame.

This entire season with the kids has been leading up to this episode: the fulfillment of their thin fantasies.

Introducing the first fantasy, Sweeney says, “This was a groundbreaking season for The Biggest Loser.” Yeah, they’ve finally managed to exploit fatties of all ages. “Three kids joined us, not only to change their lives, but to help lead the fight against childhood obesity.” They’re drafting kids into the War on Fat. “They have been true ambassadors for change and tonight you’ll see their inspiring results, starting with a young woman who’s dream is to make the cheerleading team.” Told ya so. “Well, she’s definitely made cheerleaders out of all of us. Take a look at Lindsay’s story.”

We see Lindsay say to the camera from before her diet, “My biggest obstacle in my life right now, would have to be my weight.” We see Dr. Splenda tell Lindsay that she has pre-diabetes. Then Lindsay says to the camera, “I just want to be healthy for once, you know, just make a change.” We see her watching the cheerleaders , “I’ve always loved the sport of gymnastics. I was always dreaming that I would one day do flips in the air.”

Lindsay wants to be a beach ball at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

We then see Dolvett say to her, “Tell me about when you tried out for the cheerleading squad and when you used to be bullied.”

He’s using the Dolvett Mind Trick to make Lindsay sad.

Lindsay talks about getting picked on and crying in class, then Dolvett says, “There is nothing you can’t do. Don’t stop believing in yourself.” Then Lindsay says, “I need to change this right now in this second.” Which means she’s about to lose some weight!

Begin the inspirational exercise montage, as we hear Dolvett say, “Lindsay quit her cheerleading team in middle school because kids were making fun of her.” So the answer is a diet! “I feel the best way to restore her confidence is for her to face these problems head on.” We then see Dolvett in Lindsay’s gym when he screamed “Come on out girls!” and the cheerleaders burst in! Then Lindsay’s awkward cheerleading attempt and Dolvett screaming “YES!!!” as though he’s thrilled she’s awkwardly cheering.

Click to see Dolvett’s over-the-top reaction to Lindsay’s adorable awkwardness.

Then we see footage from Lindsay’s anti-bullying assembly when she said, “Everybody say ‘No more bullying.’” And everybody says “No more bullying.”

Bullying solved.

Dr. Splenda informs Lindsay that she doesn’t have pre-diabetes anymore with her obnoxious head shake, followed by Lindsay’s squeal and jump for joy. Then we see Lindsay taking gymnastics lessons and she does a graceful cartwheel now that she’s thin.

Nicely done, Lindsay.

And it wouldn’t be a weight loss propaganda video she doesn’t mention that her old, fat body is gone forever. “I’m a new teenager and I just can’t wait for the future,” Lindsay smiles. Of all the weight loss lingo that gets under my skin, the “new body” thing strikes me as the most bizarre. Like you’re trading up to a thin body.

And now, with thinness achieved, Lindsay gets to live out her fantasy before a prime time audience of 7.4 million. Sweeney says, “Let’s hear a great big cheer for Lindsay!”

Remember kids, when you’re thin, you’ll get everything you’ve ever wanted.
[Click to see a choppy version of Lindsay's cheer routine.]

We are the blotches.
The mighty, mighty blue and white
Proud to be here on The Biggest Loser tonight.
Dedication, committment are what it’s all about
Pride and self-confidence without a doubt.
Never give up, never give in, fight to win.

My favorite part of the cheer, aside from the mighty, mighty blotches, is that when Lindsay stands on the legs of the other cheerleaders, she has another adorably awkward moment when you can clearly see she’s terrified of falling, as any of us would be during our national televised cheerleading debut.

The terror is in her eyes.

But she did a great job and clearly has improved largely because she lost weight.

Wait, did I say “lost weight”? I meant “practiced.”

Click to see Lindsay and Dolvett exchange a happy glance.

“Oh my gosh, that has to be the best feeling on the planet,” Sweeney greets her. “You worked the uniform.” Yeah, Lindsay. Just imagine how horrible you must have looked in it when the other cheerleaders bullied you off the team. “You were great out there. This is something you’ve talked about from day one, being a cheerleader and getting to just use your healthy body.” You do realize that you can still use your body when you’re fat, right? At the start of the show, Lindsay was not incapable of doing a cartwheel. She was told she should not be doing cartwheels because she’s fat. She didn’t quit the cheerleading team because her body stopped working properly. She was told she should not be cheerleading because she’s fat. See how that works? “What are you thinking right now?” Um… what utter bullshit just crossed the screen.

“I’m just like wow,” Lindsay says. “Like, there’s so many people here supporting all of us and it’s like it’s just amazing.” It is pretty amazing when people support you. That’s why it’s so tragic when people stop supporting you because you’re fat.

“Lindsay, you’ve worked so hard to be standing here today,” Sweeney says. “You’ve lost 47 pounds, you are no longer pre-diabetic.”

Click to see Lindsay’s happy dance at the mention of pre-diabetes being gone.

“This girl runs a mile in 9.5 minutes,” Sweeney continues. “I mean, what’s the best part?”

“I guess the running part is awesome. I never get tired running up stairs or anything like that, but hard work does pay off.” I hope Lindsay continues to run because it’s something that she loves, and not as the penance she must pay to maintain her body. Because penance doesn’t work in the long-term. And I also hope that if she loves running, she keeps doing it regardless of whether it keeps her this size or not. I hope Lindsay finds long-term health and real happiness that is rooted in true self-acceptance. The self-esteem you get from weight loss lasts only as long as your weight is low.

“Let’s hear it for Lindsay.” Yeah, let’s hear it for the beginning of a lifelong struggle with her body! Yeah!

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are some health benefits associated with weight loss, so there’s no mistaking that the two things go together, but only so far as this: caloric restriction and/or exercise means improved insulin resistance. The problem is that most people can’t maintain a strict caloric restriction indefinitely and a less strict restriction wouldn’t lead to noticeable weight loss. But what also improves insulin resistance is improved diet and exercise regardless of weight loss. If she keeps it off, wonderful, but doing so will require a vigilance that most teenagers are not capable of sustaining for long. My fear is what will happen if she can’t sustain it.

After Lindsay, we begin the process of weighing in the 11 eliminated players. Starting with a fan favorite.

S”he danced her way into all of our hearts this season and now she is stepping out a whole new woman,” Sweeney says, beginning the first in a string of strained introductions. “Give it up for Pam!”

Enter Dancin’ Pam.

The 11 remaining contestants don’t get the cool divider doors or the holofatties. Instead, they stand next to a screen of their picture and get to pose. So, of course, Gina does her dancing thing.

Click to see Pam do her dancing thing.

Sweeney continues, “He was one of Jillian’s favorite players, I’m sure she’s not alone.” Oh yeah, remember when the nation went wild with Natemania? I still have my old faded Nate poster on my wall.

At this point, the camera catches Nate as he steps onto stage a bit to early and you can see that somebody is telling him to wait.

Ah, the joys of live television.

“Give it up for Nate,” Sweeney says, allowing Nate to proceed to his pose.

Click to see Nate, who went with the “I’m a tough guy who’s gonna kick your ass” pose.

“It took her a while to figure out how to lose weight, but she did, and she has the figure to show it. Give it up for Alex.”

Outfit of the night goes to Alex, IMHO.

Before we proceed, we have to stop here. I want to remind everyone that for six out of the nine weeks she was on the show, Alex lost 6 pounds or less, which is considered a disappointing result. After Alex lost four pounds on episode 4, she said, “I try to do everything I’m told. I eat the way I’m supposed to eat. I work out when I’m supposed to work out.” Bob reassured her that it wasn’t “because of her effort.”

This girl is putting in week after week, and Jillian and I were just standing her going she deserves a good number this week…. There’s something going on with this girl, I’ve got to get to the bottom of this because four pounds is not going to help her team and it’s definitely not going to help her.

Alex had her breakdown in episode 5, when she told Jillian, “I’m working my ass off for nothing. But I don’t know what’s going on with my body. I don’t know anything.” Jillian reassures Alex by telling her, “Look, in 18 days you’ve lost 8 pounds. In any other world you’d be over the moon. You’re losing your perspective.” Bear in mind, those 18 days were supposed to be two “weeks,” or episodes, of the show. “Week” 5 is also the week that Bob chose to twist the knife in Alex’s self-esteem to “motivate” her to lose weight.

You are 24 years old. You stood on that scale day one saying that you were disgusting and that you don’t want to feel this way any more. Are you going to let this place defeat you? Because this is the week — look at me — this week, your team needs you.

That week she lost 10 pounds and it was a triumph of the human spirit. Oh, you wouldn’t believe the glorious rapture awaiting Alex as she finally, finally had a week like the other contestants. Her tide was turning. Bob had exorcised all those demons from Alex and now nothing could stop her from losing all the weight she wanted.

Except, like Jackson’s repeated assurance that his puking days were over, the results were short-lived. In episode 6, Alex loses just three pounds. She seemed more confident, though, saying, “It’s a process. One week will be good, the next week will be bad, so hopefully next week will be good.” It helps that she just had the 10 pound loss too.

In episode 7, Alex did the temptation challenge and ate some cake and brownies in the dark room. In that episode, Gina said in reference to the 1,000 calories Alex ate, “I’ll be shocked if makes a difference for Alex. I don’t think she works hard.” At the end, Alex loses six pounds, which is a lot for her, obviously, but Jillian says, ““Alex and Francelina both weigh in and they didn’t have great numbers.” In episode 8, we learned from Jillian that Alex had been “phoning it in throughout the entire season.” This is completely at odds with what she told Alex during episode 5. “Look, in 18 days you’ve lost 8 pounds. In any other world you’d be over the moon. You’re losing your perspective.”

But in episode 8, Jillian confront Alex as to why she’s half-assing it, and Alex starts to cry.

When you go in there and think that you’re doing something positive and then someone comes in there and shows you all the negative that you’re doing, that drives me insane because it’s always been “Alex, your best is not good enough.”

So when she loses three pounds again, she’s devastated but not surprised. And because it has to be all her fault, Bob lectures Alex on her attitude. “Look, your whole demeanor, your whole, the way you’re standing up there, it’s like you’re defeated.”

The saddest fatty in the whole world.

“And Alex, you shouldn’t be a defeated woman,” Bob says.

Yeah, why shouldn’t you feel defeated when everyone else is consistently losing more weight than you? It’s not like it’s a contest or something and you’re losing despite following the rules and recommendations. And for the sake of tying this all together, I’m going to just tell you Alex’s final weight because it’s fascinating. There’s an estimated 28-day delay from filming to release. Alex wasn’t on the final two weeks of the show either, so it’s safe to guess that she has been home for approximately six weeks.

If you look at the weight loss difference history (spoiler alert there, if you don’t want to know who the winner is yet), you’ll see that there are four six-day periods while Alex was on the ranch. If you add them up (starting with the first day to the sixth day), you get a six-day loss of 36 pounds, 33 pounds, 30 pounds, and 34 pounds. And in the six weeks that she has been home, Alex has lost an additional 31 pounds. Keep this in minds when you hear Allison say, “It took her a while to figure out how to lose weight, but she did, and she has the figure to show it.”

Alex went from 240 to 156, losing 84 pounds.

Arms akimbo. Good choice.

At 5’4″, she looked heavy, but her weight was low enough that by the end of the show the 84 pounds made a dramatic enough difference and Alex looks considerably slimmer. What’s interesting is that all the women’s weights start off with a weight ranging from 237 to 267, while the men range from 328 to 444. It’s as if they want the women to weigh less starting off so that in the end they get closer the traditional ideal body type. All the women made it to “One-derland” (what they call it when contestants drop to under 200 pounds), but only Jackson got there for the guys.

“And now, the final challenge will be fight to death with rusty forks. There can be only one!“

Pam gets most of Sweeney’s attention. She mentions the fact that Pam said she wanted to be that “Damn” Girl. You know, the one who men look at and say “Damn girl!” And then Sweeney mentions the dance again. “That was a defining moment of the season.” Wow, really? “It’s better than the Harlem shake as far as I’m concerned.” Now she can tick that off her cultural reference checklist. “What has been your reaction from the fans you meet?

“People dance up to me in Costco no matter where I am.” I have spent quite a bit of time wrapping my mind around this turn of phrase, which is really just nervous stage chatter more than anything. But do you think it would mean that people only dance up to her at Costco, no matter which aisle? “I do get the dance a lot. It’s been great, the fans have been absolutely fantastic.”

“The fans help inspire everybody,” Sweeney says.

Remember, if you’re going to be successful at dieting, you need to have a fanbase to draw from, including strangers who recognize you and your antics as you document your weight loss progress. Great, more YouTube diet videos.

Sweeney moves on to Nate, who talks about how inspiring his family is. We also learn that Nate’s mom lost 70 pounds.

Congratulations, Nate’s mom, and good luck.

Then Sweeney says to Alex, “I know you started off rough. I know you proved that it doesn’t matter, you can overcome it. What do you say to everyone who’s like, ‘Oh yeah, that happens to me and I couldn’t get going.’”

Alex didn’t overcome it. She lost at a slow, but stead rate. from beginning to end. In fact, there’s only one six-day of the five groupings where Alex lost one pound less than she did during the six weeks at home.

LITERALLY NOTHING CHANGED!!!

It is solely by virtue of Alex’s relatively low starting weight that Biggest Loser has created the illusion that Alex went from disappointing results to a new and improved fat-burning state by persevering. But the fact is, her results have been entirely consistent the entire time she has been following “the process.” And yet here they are, making Alex an expert on overcoming disappointing weight loss results. The lesson isn’t that there’s something Alex did to speed up the rate at which she lost weight. The lesson is that even on one the most difficult and restrictive weight loss regimen’s recommended by a “respected” medical professional (I’m referring, of course, to Dr. Hozonga), there are some people who won’t lose weight at the rate they would expect.

But what is it, Alex? What switch did you flip that made weight loss suddenly change so drastically?

“It’s all about confidence,” she said. “Having 100% confidence in yourself. And that’s what I lacked from the beginning, but I have it now.”  Yup. Be confident and you’ll lose weight like Alex.

“I think that says it all,” Sweeney says, seeming a bit flustered. “I’m going to put you all back stage and get into your weigh in clothes and I’ll see you in a bit, okay?” And as she says this, she gestures at them to get off the stage, shooing them like they’re wayward geese.

“Would you people shut up and get off my damn stage?”
[Click for the shooing.]

This is the beginning of Sweeney’s desperate attempt to hit her commercial times.

When we return from commercial break, something interesting happens. Sweeney addresses the camera.

Joining us in the audience is someone who decided that being on the show just wasn’t right for her, she’s with us here tonight. We couldn’t be happier to have you. Thank you, Nikki for coming. Everyone give Nikki a round of applause. We are so happy to have you here with us to celebrate.

If looks could kill, Nikki’s husband would be stabbing Sweeney repeatedly with a pitchfork.

The thing that’s interesting about this (aside from the fact that we only see Nikki from the chest up) is that Nikki was Biggest Loser‘s first contestant who admitted to an eating disorder: bulimia. She’s also the contestant who quit halfway through the first episode because Jillian’s tantrums were too much for her to handle. She did return for an update on her weight loss during another episode, which means she was actively losing weight, but why would she opt out of the on-stage, weigh-in portion of the show? It’s not something I have an answer for, I just found this incredibly intriguing. And it also made me wonder if Nikki had made it to the final three, would they be holding her up as the first recovering bulimic contestant on Biggest Loser, similar to how Jackson was the first openly gay contestant? We’ll never know, but it’s an interesting thought.

“Now, let’s get to the weigh-ins,” Sweeney continues. “Of course, there’s one thing missing, The  Biggest Loser scale.” When Sweeney says “The Biggest Loser scale,” this is hard to capture or explain, but Sweeney says it with this saucy, naughty, teasing voice that suggests she’s  introducing something delightfully forbidden or something. It’s like she’s introducing Goliath before his battle with David and she wants the audience to know that there’s some delightful trouble about to ensue.

And after she says it, the camera pans past her toward the opening doors where the scale waits on a platform. And for the first time since watching this show, I realize that the Scale itself is a character on this show. I hadn’t really thought about it this way before, but the way Sweeney (and others) treats the scale is like Judge Judy, handing down verdicts to  defendants. Where you innocent or guilty of being a slacker this week? The Scale knows all!

Click to see Sweeney’s bizarre Dolgoffian head shake and the Scale’s entrance.

You’ll also see an amusing live television glitch where the camera pans too far to the left and you see a stage hand prepping the three contestants for their weigh-in. The camera quickly zooms in, as if to take them out of the shot, but then it cuts away because the damage is done.

Click to see the cameraman’s response to showing too much.

“Remember, it is not just about the weight,” Sweeney says, “the pounds that they have lost.” Aaaaw, that’s right, Sweeney. It’s about the quality of life, the improvements in health, the happiness that their weight loss has finally brought them. “It is the person with the highest percentage of weight loss who will win the hundred grand.” Oh.

The contestants standby as Sweeney introduces them and their flashback clip.

“Pam lightened the mood on the ranch and she lightened herself in the process,” Sweeney says in her first of 11 clever synopses of the contestants she delivers just before a flashback clip reminds us of how far they’ve come.

We see Jillian kneeling beside Pam during an early episode when she had her biggest rageboner ever. ” What do you do? Do you give up? Are you apathetic? Because clearly it seems like you quit a lot.” As she says this, Jillian gestures to Pam’s body.

Click to see Jillian gesture to the obviousness of Pam’s quitting.

Pam takes a deep breath, then says in this melodramatic tone, “I’m afraid of having to face everything.”

“What?” Jillian asks.

You can see Pam didn’t have a followup answer as she scrambles for a quick response. “Face the fact that I’ve been a failure all this time.”

“Then fight.” Jillian says. Begin inspirational exercise montage.

“At the beginning Jillian and I had friction,” Pam says to the camera.

Then we see Jillian scream at Pam as she does the crab walk, “I don’t give a crap what you can and can’t do.”

Walk like a crustacean.

“I am grateful that she pushed me out of my comfort zone,” Pam says to the camera, defending Jillian’s dickishness. “I’m grateful that she didn’t give up on me. You need it to be that hard to make this transformation this quickly and to get it.”

We then see Pam on the scale when she defied Jillian’s expectations and lost nine pounds. She gloated, “Who loves me now, Jillian?” as she did the Truffle Shuffle on stage.

VICTORY!

And now that we’re all caught up on Pam’s time on the show, she stands on the scale. And as we begin these weigh-ins, it’s worth bearing in mind the minimum threshold these at-home contestants must meet to win. At week 10 when she lost the weigh-in, Gina had lost a total of 34% of her body weight. She has no doubt lost more since then. But any contestant who hopes to compete with Gina, who was the biggest loser on the ranch week after week after week, will have to top that, at the very least.

Pam’s starting weight was 237 and after a bunch of dramatic beeps from the Scale, we learn she lost 71 pounds and now weighs 166 pounds, for a total loss of 29.96%. Of course, Pam does her dance again, then she stands next to Sweeney.

Nate’s the next player in the wings and he looks incredibly serious.

Lighten up, Nate.
HA! Pun intended!

“He was one of the first players eliminated,” Sweeney says, “but he made a lasting impression on all of us.” Yeah, I still have these really vivid Nate dreams that I just can’t shake. He’s burrowed so deep into my psyche.

Of course, we start with the footage of Nate falling over and over and over on the treadmill.

Click to see Nate fall and Jillian watching with a voyeur’s delight.

We see Jillian watching him intensely in that first fall. The look on her face isn’t concern or fear or empathy or anything. It’s anticipation. She knew she could push him until he fell and now it’s paying off.

Aside from vomit, injuries are Jillian’s other wank fodder.

“Nate, stand up,” Jillian barks at him.

We see Nate crying, “I kept falling down, and it’s just a metaphor for my whole life.” Follow this pathetic admission with more footage of him falling.

Click to see Nate bite the dust yet again.

“I get up and I fall right back down,” Nate sobs. “I just want to be able to stay up for once.” Cut to a shot of Nate standing up after falling off the treadmill.

‘Tis a lesson you should heed: Try, try, try again.
If at first there’s no injury,: Try, try, try again.

As Nate stands up we hear this primal grunt and then they cut to him bench pressing with Jillian spotting him. “Good, nice,” Jillian says to him. Then we see doing that one ladder exercise and see Jillian tell him, “Good good good.”

Nate says, “I came here to see what I’m made of.” And whether it’s breakable too, I imagine.

Then Jillian, in a tender moment, says, “You’re really athletic, honey.” You can see the desperation for positive feedback in his face.

Click to see Nate say, “Durr… purty lady like Nate.”

“So I want to push that as far as I can go,” Nate finally says, before we return to Nate on the Scale.

Nate has to lose 107 pounds to beat Pam, and she does a hilarious double-take and you hear her say, “Whoa.”

Click to see Pam’s reaction to Nate’s goal.

Nate loses 99 pounds, going from 359 to 260, which is 27.58% of his body weight. Pam screams, “Yes! Yes!” because Nate is a failure.

“Up next is Alex,” Sweeney continues. “She had a rough beginning on the ranch, but she is proof that it is not how you start, it’s how you finish.” Yeah, who cares what sadistic rituals you have to endure to disappointing, consistent results, so long as you’re skinny in the end, right?

First on the flashback, we see FBI agent Bob Harper says, “Alex, go!”

We see Alex stepping onto and off of a tired and she says, “I’m going.”

“No you’re not. You’re standing there looking at it,” Bob tells her.

Then we see the episode where Jillian accused Alex and Gina of slacking off as an excuse to throw a huge tantrum. “That’s unacceptable dude,” Jillian tells Alex.

“Jillian, I really am trying my best,” Alex says.

“No, you’re not.”

We then see Jillian tell the camera, “I have seen her phoning it in throughout the season.” That’s bullshit, as we’ve seen.

Then Alex is at the table weeping and saying, “Like, I am so sick of my best not being good enough.” As in, she’s been busting her ass and starving herself for weeks, yet she keeps getting disappointing results.

“Finally,” Jillian says to the camera, “I got the answer that I’ve been looking for.” Because Jillian is a psycho-analytic powerhouse!

Begin the inspirational exercise montage with Dolvett saying, “That’s it, show me!”

Then she’s doing the trust exercise on the wire with Jillian, and Jillian says, “Yeah, there it is.”

Cut to Alex on the scale losing 10 pounds, and Bob saying “Yes!”

Alex weeps, “Finally.”

“Let it out baby, you deserve it,” Bob assures her.

“My best was finally good enough,” Alex sobs.

“That’s right,” Bob says. Of course, that’s only until the next week when her best stops being good enough and she loses just three pounds again.

Click to see a montage of clips from Alex’s inspirational flashback.

Now on the scale, Alex has to lose more than 71 pounds to beat Pam. As previously mentioned, she manages to lose 84, going from 240 to 156 for a total of 35%. That puts her just above Gina’s 34% at week 10. But do you really think that’s going to be enough?

This final episode is a fascinating glimpse at how Biggest Loser can take an already-pared-down version of what happened on the ranch and manipulate it again to strengthen their claims even further. While Alex’s entire experience on the show was one long, sad disappointment after another, and while she never increased the rate with which she lost weight, the editors have transformed Alex’s journey into one of overcoming obstacles and blowing past “plateaus.”

This is just one of a MILLION examples of why TBL is such a ridiculous illusion.

There’s more recaps to come next week, so hold tight. We’re soon going to discover who the Biggest Dickweed is, and you aren’t going to want to miss the crowning.

If you think this is wrong, sign the petition to stop Biggest Loser and join our boycott.

Previous recaps

• Prequel — Paging Dr. Dolgoff
• Episode 1 — The Biggest Dickweed
• Episode 2 — Reclaiming Worth
• Episode 3 — Crossfire Hurricane
• Episode 4 — Cognitive Dissonance
• Episode 5 — Abracadabra
• Episode 6 — Mystery Tramp
• Episode 7 — Valentine’s Day Massacre
• Episode 8 — Queen Bee
• Episode 9 — Fear and Loathing
• Episode 10 — Half Baked
• Episode 11, Part 1 — Fresh Puke
• Episode 12, Part 2  — Desperate Times

Warning: Feedback from some very hateful, very angry trolls.

Did everyone see that Atchka made a subreddit called /askHAES? If not, well hopefully now you know.

Anyway, as I’ve ran through the discussions and comments and studies and links and various other things, I find that it is all very… interesting, actually. Oh, the trolls – but still it is worth it. Lots of people ask the same questions I used to before I really delved into the research, even the ones that sound like trolling. One of my biggest question was “What about the REALLY fat people?” and only recently has that been answered.

Another great discussion that is happening in multiple threads is something I want to specifically address in a later post. It is about how various things intersect to cause weight gain; for instance, there is a correlation between poverty, education, and obesity — namely that when education is low and poverty is high, obesity rates tend to go up. I would like to add that where there is poverty there will probably also be food deserts and malnourished children. Who here knows firsthand what happens to someone when they starve as a child, intentionally or not? There is also a correlation between time and food, namely that a family of four whose two adults work a regular 8-5 shift 5 days a week will resort to “fast food” to help speed up their nighttime routine.

I also want to address the research about fast food and how/if it rewires the brain to desire those foods, as well as talk about the fast food industry and their billion dollar business. Or what about the fact that the US government subsidizes certain foods but not others? Corn in particular is a major part of the American diet (you can skip the fourth paragraph), and the derivatives of it can be dangerous (be careful of the ZOMG Obesity parts).

But, I think y’all might be interested in the hate mail we have already received. I think some of them are hilarious, while others are just head shakers. I’ve changed the names as to not give them satisfaction Ready for this?

______________________

[–] from igotprblms via /r/askHAES/ sent 11 hours ago

for what? what did i do? fucking take a look at yourself. You are spending so much goddamn time defending being an unhealthy fatass. LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. YOU ARE IN DENIAL. IF YOU DON’T WAKE UP YOU WILL DIE AT AN EARLY AGE. YOU ARE SELFISH. PEOPLE AROUND YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU, BUT YOU DON’T EVEN CARE ENOUGH TO PUT THE GODDAMN FORK DOWN. YOU CAN CHANGE. YOU SERIOUSLY CAN CHANGE, IF YOU JUST ADMIT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU CAN SOLVE IT.

[–] to igotprblms from kitsuneyokai sent 2 hours ago

You have a serious problem and I recommend seeking help immediately. Your obvious need for control of other people is not only detrimental to you, but dangerous to other people. Please seek professional help before you really kill someone with your concern trolling.

[–] from igotprblms via /r/askHAES/ sent 2 hours ago

im not trolling, but whatever keep eating yourself to death

[–] to igotprblms from kitsuneyokai sent 2 hours ago

No one gets out of life alive. So technically, you are also eating yourself to death. Also sleeping, breathing, moving, shitting, and living yourself to death. But good comeback.

[–] from igotprblms via /r/askHAES/ sent 2 hours ago

thanks i spent all night working on it. seriously tho, get healthy bruh

[–] to igotprblms from kitsuneyokai sent 1 hour ago

Brethren, dost thou even hoist?

Please sign our two Change.org petitions asking CVS Pharmacies and Michelin North America to stop discriminating against its fat employees.

First CVS, now Michelin:

Employees at the tire maker who have high blood pressure or certain size waistlines may have to pay as much as $1,000 more for health-care coverage starting next year… the company will reward only those workers who meet healthy standards for blood pressure, glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides and waist size — under 35 inches for women and 40 inches for men.

According to that Wall Street Journal article, the tire maker claims they have to penalize fat employees because of “rising health-care costs and poor results from voluntary wellness programs.” But we already know what is driving healthcare costs and it is not, by and large, the fatties.

But, okay, for the sake of the skeptics out there who think fatties are driving the costs of healthcare, let’s run with that assumption to simplify the argument. Even if finding and “treating” all the fat people is the solution to out-of-control healthcare costs, let’s look at the two ways we have for finding those fatties.

First is Body Mass Index (BMI), which is what CVS is using. Everyone knows that BMI sucks because it doesn’t distinguish between fat and muscle. It’s just a ratio of height to weight, so it winds up including a lot of people who don’t have a lot of body fat into the net. Studies that actually measure the correlation between BMI and body fat percentage find this metric lacking:

Commonly used BMI cutoffs to diagnose obesity showed a pooled sensitivity to detect high adiposity of 0.50 (95% confidence interval (CI): 0.43-0.57) and a pooled specificity of 0.9… Commonly used BMI cutoff values to diagnose obesity have high specificity, but low sensitivity to identify adiposity, as they fail to identify half of the people with excess [body fat percentage].

The key here is specificity and sensitivity. A high specificity means that BMI is fairly good at finding people who have a low BMI and low body fat. But a low sensitivity means that only half the time does a person with a high BMI also have high body fat. As a result, even if CVS thinks making fat employees thin is an effective way to control healthcare costs, using BMI to find the culprits is highly flawed.

Which brings us to waist circumference (WC), which gets floated as a viable alternative to BMI whenever BMI is criticized. Except researchers have found WC is just as flawed as BMI when it comes to filtering out the fatties.

BMI, WC, and WSR [waist stature ratio] all performed very similarly as indirect measures of body fat, and they were more closely related to each other than with percentage body fat. Percentage fat tended to be slightly but significantly more correlated with WC than with BMI among men, but significantly more correlated with BMI than with WC among women; the differences were slight…  As shown previously, and as would be expected from considerations of body composition, percentage fat does not increase linearly with body weight.

In other words, BMI, WC, and WSR produce similar correlations to body fat, and therefore WC is no more effective than BMI. The fact that CVS uses BMI and Michelin uses WC does not improve their chances of finding the deviant fatties and putting them on the path to thinness.

But the most damning testimony as to the futile nature of Michelin’s proposal comes from the man who originally proposed waist circumference as a risk factor for metabolic syndrome back in 1988. His name is Dr. Gerald Reaven, and they even named the cluster of symptoms associated with insulin resistance after him: Reaven’s Syndrome.

I wrote about Reaven’s 2005 change of heart, and how he believes that these risk factors have become a highly-flawed diagnostic checklist that is no longer useful in identifying those with insulin resistance, which is the underlying health problem that CVS and Michelin ultimately want to solve.

Reaven’s objection is simple and speaks straight to the heart of the problem with Michelin’s plan:

[A]lthough being overweight/obese increases the chances of an individual being significantly insulin resistant, by no means are all overweight/obese individuals insulin resistant, and, of greater clinical relevance, weight loss in overweight/obese individuals who are not insulin resistant does not lead to substantial clinical benefit. [emphasis mine]

Reaven also points out how BMI and WC are essentially identical:

At the simplest level, the values of the two variables were highly correlated in a recent analysis of data from ~20 000 participants in the National Health and Nutrition Survey (NHANES) from 1988–1994 and 1999–2000. More specifically, the r values were >0.9 in every subgroup analyzed and were essentially identical irrespective of differences in sex, age, or ethnicity.

You can read Reaven’s full objection in the journal Clinical Chemistry.

Michelin is stepping in and saying “All fat men and women need to lose weight or take a de facto pay cut of $1,000 per year,” except they’re dredging for fatties using a flawed metric and demanding a treatment that does not lead to “substantial clinical benefit” in those fat people who are not insulin resistant. Most importantly, though, is that even if they do get all their fat employees to go on diets, there is not one single weight loss method that shows the kind of long-term success rates that would pay off for Michelin in the long-term.

With zero evidence to back up their efforts, Michelin has launched one of the most intrusive and ineffectual employer wellness initiative ever developed, and this experiment in controlling healthcare costs is being conducted at the expense of their employees. Even worse, this is becoming the new normal for employers.

But even setting aside the flawed metrics and lack of solutions, this is out-and-out discrimination. They are singling out heavy employees for targeted health interventions, when similar health interventions aren’t forced upon their thin counterparts. I do not see any suggestion that Michelin will pressure health improvements from employees who smoke, drink, use drugs, practice unsafe sex, don’t get enough sleep or drive recklessly. And yet, all of these choices (if we’re assuming that being fat is a choice) contribute both to the poor health of employees and the cost of healthcare.

The reason Michelin will not go after other health choices is that if they did, Americans would overwhelming reject this as a gross invasion of privacy. Michelin and CVS are counting on the panic surrounding obesity to give them cover while they enact legal discrimination against fat employees

If Michelin is really, truly concerned about reigning in healthcare costs, then maybe they should do something about the gouging of our for-profit system by the device manufacturers and the pharmaceutical companies, rather than scapegoating fat people.

If you feel the same way, I encourage you to sign both the CVS Pharmacies and Michelin North America petitions, and to contact Michelin’s leadership team directly to let them know how you feel. If you need an idea of what to say, check out this letter I wrote to CVS management with a list of questions about their program. And as always, please spread the word about our petitions. THANK YOU!

Pete Selleck
President
Pete.Selleck@us.michelin.com

Wayne Culbertson
Chief Human Resources Officer and Executive Vice President of Personnel
Wayne.Culbertson@us.michelin.com

Rich Kornacki
Executive Vice President
Rich.Kornacki@us.michelin.com

Jean-Dominique Senard
Managing General Partner of Michelin Group
Jean-Dominique.Senard@us.michelin.com

Michael Ian Fanning
Vice President of Corporate Affairs
Michael.Ian.Fanning@us.michelin.com

Craig Hodges
Director of External Communications
O  864-458-4698
M  404-593-6049
Craig.Hodges@us.michelin.com

Lauren Davis
External Communications Coordinator
O  864-458-4692
M 864-350-7984
Lauren.Davis@us.michelin.com

Lynne Fowler
Director of Consumer Public Relations, Passenger Car & Light Truck
O  864-458-6365
M  864-561-9914
Lynne.Fowler@us.michelin.com

Tom Sullivan
Public Relations Manager, BFGoodrich
O  864-458-4321
M  704-222-5488
Tom.Sullivan@us.michelin.com

Trigger warning: This post thoroughly discusses an episode The Biggest Loser, including the abusive bullshit as well as the weigh-ins.

This is it. We’re getting down to brass tacks. This is the last Biggest Loser recap you’ll ever read from me and can I be the first to say Praise Allah for that.

If I never spend another moment obsessively re-re-re-re-rewinding Jillian Michaels as she ogles a jump-roper’s boobs just to make the perfect gif, it will be too soon.

That being said, we have an exciting second half ahead of us, including one of the most amazing transformations you will ever see in your life. I am not overselling this when I say that one of the contestants, the winner in fact, undergoes such a dramatic physical transformation that you will gasp.

I guarantee…

True Lies

Sweeney wants to tear through the at-home contestants because time is of the essence. This time, she brings out four former contestants.

“She’s a future doctor who has aced the toughest physical exam of all, ours.” I’m gonna disagree and say that most branches of the military would qualify as tougher physical exams because at least soldiers have to continue their regimen for longer than 129 days. “Here’s Francie.”

Francie looks like she’s been cast in a movie set in a casino.

And then the mandatory pose, for which Francie does a cute little curtsy.

Click to see the cute little curtsey.

“He’s been a huge fan of the show for years and now we’re huge fans of his.” We are. We really are. “Say hello to TC!” Hello TC.

TC… um… dancing.

As TC does his dance, they cut to the audience to some sort of family member, I’m assuming, but to me, it looks like Michael Cera in a wig, which is no swipe at the woman because I’ve always contended that Michael Cera would make a very pretty woman.

In fact, I’m 100% certain that is Michael Cera in drag.

“He started as this season’s heaviest player, but this new dad is about to light up the scale.” I heard they got Bruce Vilanch to punch up the script.. “Here’s Michael.”

Michael immediately goes into happy Hulk pose.

And I guess this is the only pose Michael practiced because for the five seconds or so they give the contestants, this is how he stood.

“HELP! MY ARMS ARE STUCK!!!”
[Click to see how Michael's arms are stuck in happy Hulk mode.]

And is anyone else thinking that if they’re going to do before and after photos, the subjects should be comparably dressed. “Here’s Mike before, half naked and huge, and here he is now, thinner and half-naked.” Seems only fair.

“She’s a 28-year-old student who came to the ranch to find herself, and lost a whole lot of weight in the process.” Here’s a project suggestion for some ambitious reader: go back and watch all the grand finales and see how many of these introductions are recycled. I’m guessing the “came to find herself, lost a lot of weight in the process” line has been a popular turn of phrase. “Let’s hear it for Cate.” Hey, way to be Cate.

Click to see Cate’s poses, including the happy she-Hulk.

Michael should have confabbed with Cate on the pose ideas. She’s a natural. And as you may have noticed, Cate’s now engaged. And it’s all because she’s skinny. Her fiance never would have asked her while she was a fatty, and God forbid she regain the weight. They never actually talk to Cate about her engagement, which kind of surprises me actually.

Instead, as Cate joins the other three near Sweeney, I swear hear somebody kind of gasp or make a surprised noise, and then it sounds as if someone says, “Oh, I lost my tooth!” I listened to it twice, and it seems pretty clear to me, but they don’t say anything about that either, except Francie is standing next to Sweeney and she seems to be kind of laughing about something. I’m not 100% certain, but I accuse Francelina of losing a tooth on stage at The Biggest Loser finale! I’m calling the scoop on that one. You heard it here first. This is journalism at it’s finest.

“I’m gonna say, everybody’s had a huge reaction, but Michael, your family, TC, your family, I hear ‘em screaming your names,” Sweeney says. “And you both came here for your sons. Michael, TC, talk about what that’s like to be doing this, knowing your kids are looking up to you like that.”

Michael nods to TC, who starts. TC has a pretty tragic story that makes me pretty mad that TBL exploited for emotional benefit. TC was in a car accident and his seat broke and it crushed his son, who suffered extensive injuries and a fractured his skull. More on that later.

TC came into this show because he wanted to “get skinny” for his son, but he was the first contestant kicked off the show because he lost “only” 15 pounds. And while he has certainly lost a lot of weight on his own, he was clearly unable to get “skinny.” None of the male contestants got “skinny” by any stretch of the imagination, but they did get thinner. The problem comes with long-term maintenance and what that does to TC’s emotional or psychological health. All of these contestants are just now beginning the real version of The Biggest Loser, the version we don’t get to see played out in the media all that often.

“It’s so empowering to yourself to know that you are doing the right decisions for your family. And to come out here after all that hard work is amazing, and I know my kids are at home watching. I’m a healthy dad who’s proud of himself. So I’m proud. My kids would be proud of me.”

TC, your family is proud of you. But I hope you know that making the right decision for your family is not whether or not you get, or stay, skinny. If you want to teach your kids health, teach them to eat a healthy, balanced diet that isn’t needlessly restrictive, and get some exercise doing something you love (I recommend trying to get the ACSM guidelines). Whether or not you get or stay skinny following these basic principles won’t matter so much as the positive effect they have on you and your family’s metabolic health. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you health and happiness.

Sweeney says, “And we’re proud to have you as part of The Biggest Loser family.” Ah, yes, The Biggest Loser family. They’re like the Corleones of the small screen.

Sweeney says to Mike, “Little Mike, you talked about him all season.” Yeah, maybe because during his child’s first few months of life he felt compelled to commit himself to The Biggest Loser‘s weight loss process.

Ooooooooooooooooh what a cutie he is. Look at those cheeks!

“You know,” Mike says, “the thing about it is I had this one thing that I just couldn’t overcome and it was my weight and it was getting in the way of me being around for my son and being able to represent for him.” No doubt, at 444 pounds. But I would ask Mike if his experience is of losing weight, then regaining more until he reached 444 pounds. I really hope he keeps the weight off because being 444 pounds would be difficult to bear. He would have been better off learning 20-30 years ago learning to not keep losing weight only to regain it and then some.

Read the tweet. TBL chose to air this tweet, knowing it is absolutely false.

Even if you assume that The Biggest Loser‘s timeline is accurate, that’s still 12 weeks worth of episodes. I’m not sure on what planet you would have to be where 12 weeks equals two months of hard work. But setting that aside, Dr. Huizenga said it was 101 days from Danni’s first day to whenever they recorded episode 11. And we know there’s a 28 delay from filming to release. That’s an estimated 129 days, or approximately four months. Four months of 1,200 calories per day and 46 hours of exercise per week. And they’ll have to follow a similar lifestyle just to maintain the weight loss.

But WOW! Look how great they look after two months of hard work!

“Alright, before we all start tearing up here,” Sweeney says unconvincingly, “I’m going to send you back to get into your weigh-in clothes. We love you so much,” she says, again, not all that convincingly. “Alright, let’s see how you do on the scale, we’ll see you soon.”

Get the hell off my stage!

“Can Alex hang onto the lead?” Sweeney asks. “Find out when we return?” Then as the camera cuts to the contestants walking off stage, you can see Sweeney immediately cover her right eye with her hand and keep it there as she starts walking off-stage toward the camera. It’s the look of frustration for sure. Despite Sweeney’s best efforts to afford contestants modest amounts of talking time, she’s clearly not hitting her times right.

Click to see Sweeney frustrated.

Live television with non-professionals has to be one of the most difficult things to manage, and for 11 of the 12 weeks, Sweeney’s got an editor backing her up. But tonight, she’s doing a tightrope walk with time, and her footing is definitely in trouble.

After commercial break, Sweeney begins the weigh-in introductions. “We’re gonna get Francelina on the scale next.” And then, one of the most reprehensible introductions of the night. “Francie’s family’s past used to hold her down, but thanks to Jillian, Francie’s future is definitely looking up.” Francie revealed in oblique terms her history with her alcoholic father.

Francie looks just slightly peeved by the introduction too.

In the flashback, Francie explains, “When I was 16, I lost my father to a brain tumor and it was just hard because my father was everything to me, you know.”

Then we see Francie say to Jillian, “I was so angry that he passed away, and then relieved at the same time.”

“Was he an alcoholic?”

“Yeah.”

Yes, I’m sure Jillian’s intuition has nothing to do with the exhaustive psychological profile the show compiles on all the contestants.

“You need forgive him and you need to forgive yourself,” Jillian tells her. “If you forgive him, it doesn’t negate what happened. It doesn’t make it okay. But it will help you find some peace and some understanding.” And while Jillian’s words are true (and no doubt aided by TBL’s team of crack psychologists who make Jillian sound like a credible counselor.

“I was so naive to think that I could deal with the physical part without the emotional part,” Francie says to the camera. “I’m looking forward to being a little bit stronger.”

Click to see the montage, including Jillian’s Psychiatrist Playtime.

Now on the scale, Francelina needs to lose more than 93 pounds to beat Alex. Francie started at 267 pounds and drops to 172 pounds for a total of 95, which is 35.58%. Sweeney asks how Francelina feels and Francelina tells her about the happy feelings.

Then Sweeney says, “That’s awesome. Alright, let’s keep going.”

How will they handle TC’s tragic life?

“We have to get TC on next. He and his son were in a terrible accident, but he used it to find his purpose. Take a look at this.”

Flashback to TC saying to the camera, “Three years ago, I was in a car accident and my seat busted and I hit Taylor in the head.” We see TC’s son in his car seat now, then cut to a fairly graphic shot of his son in the hospital room shortly after the accident. “I fractured his skull. I promised him that as long as he comes out fine, I’d lose the weight for him.”

Fairly graphic post-accident photo, click at your own discretion.

Those who have read from the very first recap know that what TC said to his son directly was, “I’m going to get skinny for you, okay bud?”

I say this not to shame TC, but to show what twisted expectations this show gives people. TC is understandably terrified and the show promises to get him to a safe, skinny weight. Clearly from the introduction, TC, while thinner, is hardly skinny. Although he was easily the most motivated of the contestants, TC was also the first sent home.

We see a clip of TC losing 3.99% and him sobbing hysterically. Then we see him walking with his family and a voiceover says, “The most difficult part of only having one week on the ranch was having to push all of those thoughts of being a failure aside.” Cut to footage of him chasing his son around a playground.

“I could have easily just slacked off,” TC says. “I could have easily gone to my old ways and gave up.” Cut to a clip of TC playing basketball with his son. “But I made a promise to my son to lose this weight. And now I know I will do it.”

Click to see TC’s exercise montage.

And now, TC  has to lose more than 133 pounds to beat Francie. But he went from 376 to 266, a total of 110, or 29.26%.

“TC we can see the changes you have made,” Sweeney consoles him. “We are all so proud to have you in The Biggest Loser family.” That’s the second time Sweeney has referred to TC as part of TBL’s family. She really wants to drive home that point. “And it’s time for you to have a seat.” In other words, go away now.

“It’s Michael’s turn to weigh in,” Sweeney moves on. “He just had a new son, so when Michael came to the ranch, he knew it was time to man up.” The funny thing about this part is that as Sweeney introduces him, Michael goes from a happy grin to stone-cold serious in a matter of seconds. It was kind of weird. So I captured it.

“Did I leave the blowtorch on?
[Click to see Michael's sudden realization.]

Click to see lots of cute baby footage.

Then we cut to Bob yelling, “Five burpees, all I want are five burpees!” Cut to the following shot of Michael looking like a tribute to the cute baby footage.

I don’t wanna burpee! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

“Don’t shake your head no,” Bob threatens him  Whatever you do, don’t do that.” We see Bob hunched over Michael, with Michael’s facedown and defeated. Bob grunts, “This is going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your entire life. Your son needs you.” Quick zoom in on Michael. “Do you understand me?”

“Yes.”

Cut to inspiring exercise montage.

“Get up. That’s it,” Bob encourages him as we see Michael running gape-jawed and happy on a treadmill. Then we see him hitting a tire with a sledgehammer, followed by Michael saying “Yeah!” and giving Bob a high five. And I have managed to capture all of that in the inspiring montage below.

Click for inspiring exercise montage. It’s inspiring!

The best part of this montage is that I got the following two screencaps of Bob that, when watched consecutively and repeatedly, give a very distinct impression. If you click one photo in this recap, this is the one to click.

Don’t be a jackass, click me.

So, of course I had to make this.

Click to see who’s the biggest jackass.

Enough Photoshop shenanigans, back to Mike on the scale, who has to lose more than 157 pounds. He started at 444 pounds. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP (I’m trying recreate the dramatic beeping of the Scale). The Scale hits 308 pounds, losing a total of 136 pounds, or 30.63%.

“Michael that applause is for you,” Sweeney says, gesturing to the audience. “We love you.” And we want to bear more of your children.

“It’s Cate’s turn next,” Sweeney continues.

Is she happy? Nervous? Did she just smell somebody else’s toot?
What’s going on here?

“She was afraid that’s she’d spend the rest of her life on the sidelines. After she came to the ranch it was a whole new ballgame.”

Flashback to Cate telling the camera, “I know I have a food addiction. After I go to the gym I drive myself to my favorite fast food restaurant and I pig out.” We see Cate driving to said restaurant and pigging out, and a dashboard with an order of Chicken McNuggets, two cheeseburgers and a medium fry. We hear her say, “I’m making a wrong choice and I’m aware of it.” And then, we see her walking alone and her voiceover says, “But what hurts the most is sitting on the sideline while everybody else lives.”

Click to see Cate’s sad backstory montage.

Then we see the time Dolvett cured Cate’s shin splints with a Biggest Loser Moment. BLMs are those times in the show after a contestant has failed in some way or suffered an injury, and the trainers have a chat with them about how their horrible fat life always sucked. You know it’s a BLM when it ends in a hug.

“I see you as a fighter,” Dolvett tells her. “You don’t see yourself that way yet. Open your eyes.” And then the inspirational exercise montage, including Cate jumping with a giant red pole and her foray into the new Olympic event that’s replacing Greco-Roman Wrestling. It’s called SPAZ RUN!!!

Click to see Cate’s SPAZ RUN!!!

There’s a double-time SPAZ RUN!!! as well.

“Let’s go let’s go let’s go,” Dolvett urges her on. “Fight for it.” And then we see him tell Cate, “I’m proud of you.”

This is when Cate gushes, “Thank you. Thank you. Oh my god he said it.” Then she hugs the punching bag. “Oh god, he said he’s proud of me.” Yyyyyyyyyyyeah. I’m just gonna walk away from that one.

Click to see inspiring exercising montage and punching bag hug.

On the Scale, Cate has to lose more than 84 pounds. She’s starting at 237 and got to 173, for a total of 64 pounds, or 27%.  And with that, the second round of at-home contestants draws to a rapid close.

Poetic Justice

The pace is relentless when Sweeney greets us back from the commercial break. “She may be a mother of four, but she’s still one hot mama.” Um… did she just suggest that mother’s of four can’t be hot mamas? “Here’s Lisa.”

TRANSFORMATION COMPLETE!

Lisa is sure to pose with her butt to the camera.

Click to see Lisa’s butt to the camera.

“He started this season as an overweight cop, but now he’s a force all his own.” Oooooh, they probably don’t get to use that pun all that often. “Here’s David.”

“THERE’S AN ASSASSIN IN THE BALCONY!”

David really seems to have a thing for pointing.

And for a minute, he transformed into Jerry Orbach pointing with delight.

He even incorporates it into his pose.

“They wouldn’t let me carry my service revolver, so I’ll use my finger instead.”
[Click to see David use his finger instead.]

Gina chose the optical illusion dress.

As Gina crosses the stage we can distinctly hear Jillian say, “That’s Gina.”

Then we see a sign in the audience that, I guess, is Gina’s signature line.

And there’s more salt in ham than in turkey.

You know, quitting is only forever if you quit forever. And it’s worth mentioning that Lance Armstrong already has dibs on that saying.

We love you too Gina… all of us, except Lance Armstrong.
[Click to see Gina tell us how she loves us.]

Raise your hands if you’re a huge douchebag!

And, of course, his creepy twin brother again.

Sorry creepy twin. I just think you’re kind of creepy.

And clearly Joe goes to Michael’s School of Posing.

Click to see Joe’s bow.

“Wow, you all look fantastic,” Sweeney greets them, “but Lisa I wish you had seen… there were people in the audience, jaws hit the floor when they saw you. But I heard it’s not just you. I heard you got your whole family losing weight too.”

Give a round of applause for Lisa and her loud-ass family, everybody.

“My family is incredible, look at them.” You don’t need to tell me twice, I can’t keep my eyes off ‘em.

We hear about Lisa’s husband losing 70 pounds and her mom losing 30, and how family gives huge support. Sweeney asks David about his family too, but toward the end you can see Sweeney struggling to manage time. “Well we can’t wait to see all of you, talk more to you, Joe and you, Gina, but we need to get you back stage and in your weigh-in clothes, so let’s get to the weigh-ins.” And as she tells them to go weigh-in she, once again, does the little shooing motion with her hands.

Off you go, you rapscallions!

Geez Sweeney, it’s not their fault you’re running behind schedule.

“Can Francelina hold onto the lead? We’re giving $100,000 away when we return.” Sweeney’s so fucking excited.

“I’m so fucking excited!”

After the commercial, we get a whole other round of introductions from Sweeney. “Lisa’s up next.”

Lisa looks like she smells something horrible

“She may be a mother of four, but when she came to the ranch she was not kidding around.”

Cut to Dolvett and Lisa in a BLM. “You spent so much time helping so many people, when are you going to start helping you?” he asks her, straining sincerity.

“I want to be the best mom I can be,” Lisa says. “The only way I can do that is if I’m strong.”

We see her say to the camera, “Me and my husband have four amazing children. I tell them they have to do their best and I have to be that example.”

Then she says to Dolvett, “They have big dreams and I want to be there for all of them.”

“Let’s go to work,” Dolvett says very seriously.

Inspiring exercise montage with Dolvett yelling at her and Lisa complying. Then she says to the camera, “I’ve worked hard every workout I’ve done, everything I can. And I’m starting to feel myself get stronger in the gym and a little more confident, and that’s feeling good.”

Then Dolvett’s in her face, poking her with his finger, “You motivate you from now on, you got me?”

“I got you,” she says.

“Let’s go.”

Click to see Dolvett poking Lisa, while he seems to be saying “Oooooo-weeeeeee” over and over,
while she seems to be saying “homina homina homina” ad infinitum.

Lisa has to lose more than 87 pounds to beat Francelina. It’s pretty obvious that’s going to happen.

Lisa started at 246 and her final weight was 138, for a loss of 108 pounds, or 43.90%.

Lisa gives Dolvett a hug and Sweeney says, “Dolvett, before we move on, let’s talk about this girl for a second.”

Dolvett says something incredibly kind and generous, but we can’t hear it because his mic was off. “… so determined and focused, she had to go home. But she called me and said, ‘I’m not done yet’ and I said to her, ‘I’m not done with you either.’ So it worked. And she is in many examples what this show is about. You look amazing.” Oh, there are far better examples of what that show is about.

“Alright, let’s check in with David,” Sweeney continues.

His hair is glorious.

“As a cop, David had sworn to protect and to serve everyone around him. He didn’t know the person he needed to help the most was himself.” Did you know that there’s a limit to how far you can roll your eyes? Yeah, I just blew past that.

David’s talking to the camera in a flashback. “A big part of who I am is just serving the public in whatever fashion that might be.”

So, is he wearing a bulletproof vest or was he really that puffy?

“And I have seven children.” David talks about his daughter Tiffany, who has Rett Syndrome, and we see footage of him carrying her. “If I couldn’t take care of my family, especially Tiffany, if I couldn’t do those things any more, I can’t think of a lower point in my life I can be.”

David helping Tiffany get up.

Then we go to the visit with Dr. Hyzinga in episode 5 when David says, “A few years ago I had an injury to the meniscus on the knee on that same leg, and it was actually on a treadmill at the same time when that happened.” And then Bob had the audacity to say, “I wish, as your coach, that I would have known about this injury before. You not telling me about this previous injury put us at a huge disadvantage.” Was Bob suggesting that David did not disclose his injuries? Was he suggesting that The Biggest Loser didn’t know about the injury from the medical records they no doubt request during the application process? This was also the BLM that managed to deflect the fact that Bob pushed David to a stress fracture.

How does Bob deflect the blame for David’s injury? When David accepts the blame for not disclosing his injury to Bob, Bob says, “You have a hard time asking for what you need.” Bob was obviously using information from the extensive psychological tests they give the contestants.

The only part of that exchange that they show in the David’s flashback sequence is the when Bob says, “You have a hard time asking for what you need.” He follows this with, “We’ve got to get to a point in your life that you’re like, ‘You know what, my feelings are just as important as everyone else’s.’” Yeah, that, or not exercising for so long and so intensely that you injure your already-injured body. Of course, Bob lectures David on his feelings, David has a single tear trailing down his cheek.

Then David says to the camera, “Keep those workouts coming because I’m concentrating on David right now, so let’s go, let’s do this.”

Commence inspiring exercise montage, including footage of him using jumping rope without a rope.

Everybody’s too embarrassed to tell him he forgot the rope.
[Click to see him hopping mad.]

“Okay, it is time to get Gina up there,” Sweeney says.

If I had to pick, I’d be on team Gina.

“She had some pretty big fights this season, but she also killed it on the scale.” Oh, hey everybody, here comes the asshole! “Take a look at this.” In other words, “Check out this asshole!”

They show the exact same footage from episode 11 of Gina hitting a tire with a sledgehammer and Bob griping at her until she says, “I hate you Bob.” That’s blasphemy in Biggest LoserLand.

Then Gina says to the camera, “I may have another meltdown this week…” Because she’s totally unhinged.

We see Gina leaving the gym (thought we don’t see Gina struggling with an impending foot injury or hearing Joe say that he hates lawyers (i.e., Gina)) and then Dolvett calling after her, “Gina, don’t walk away from me.”

Then we see her finish her meltdown sentence “… but I’m starting to fix the things that are broken.”

In another camera shot, we see Gina say, “Sometimes just an apology will make a huge difference…” We see her hugging Jillian because clearly Jillian needed to apologize for being such a colossal asshole toward her in episode 8. “… and I have a few more apologies to make in the house.”

Then we see Gina repeatedly being told that she’s the biggest loser of the week, followed by Gina winning “don’t fall off the building” challenge and saying, “My moment is today and that feels pretty good.”

Click to see some of the stuff I just described.

Gina has to lose more than 107 pounds to beat Lisa. It seems entirely possible, but Lisa seemed so strikingly thin that I wasn’t really sure who would win. Gina went from 245 to 132, for a total of 113 pounds, or 46.12%.

“Congratulations,” Sweeney welcomes her off the Scale. “I mean, amazing, look at those numbers. What does that say to you?”

See, even assholes can lose weight!

“I haven’t seen that number in a long, long time,” Gina says. “But more important than that, it’s how I feel on the inside. And how healthy I am now. That’s the most important thing.” Not for The Biggest Loser it isn’t. If health was the most important thing, then they wouldn’t have made Gina climb that mountain with a sprained ankle in the last episode.

“Bob, I mean, I think back to all our conversations with Gina on the scale.” Gina strikes a pugilistic pose. “What do you see in this woman today?”

Do it, Gina. Really, really punch him. Right in the crotch.

“I mean, I gotta tell you, Gina and I have had some good conversations this whole season,”  Bob says, “but I gotta say, I’m just so proud. I knew you had it in you. I just knew it, and you standing up there losing 113 pounds, it’s just perfection.” Temporary, though it might be.

“It comes down to Gina and Joe,” Sweeney says.

I like how the lighting makes Joe look like he’s coming live from Hell.

“After retiring from football, Joe gained a ton of weight, but once he vowed to get into shape it was game on.”

We see Joe on the football field say, “I’m here with my identical twin brother Henry.” Hey there Creepy Hank.

Joe says to the camera, “Football’s been a part of my life since I was eight-years-old and started playing.” Cut to pictures of young Joe the football player. “My problem is I’m still eating to get back.” Shots of Joe and Creepy Hank stuffing their faces. “We haven’t burned it off over the last 10 years, it just piles on. My brother and I have a pact right now with each other that we’re going to get healthy.”

Then we’re at the reunion and Joe’s brother got thin too, and Joe talks about how inspiring Creepy Hank is.

Click to see Joe and Creepy Hank in action.

And now, the moment of truth. Joe is on the scale and he needs to lose more than 167. But first, COMMERCIAL BREAK!

When we come back, Sweeney asks, “What are you standing on the scale thinking? You did everything to be here.” You even killed that one guy when we asked you to. And now, eloquent Joe:

There’s so much that goes through your mind right now, just seeing this amazing crowd out here. My family, fans, seeing Gina, how well everybody’s done out here, it’s just incredible. This is the healthiest I’ve ever been in my life, even as an athlete. I was in shape, Allison, but there’s a difference between being in shape and being healthy, and being healthy isn’t just the weight. It’s healthy inside and out. It’s the happiness that you have, and you can’t give that away. It just comes from here.

Got that, kids? Being an athlete is just being in shape. To be healthy, you have to be an athlete with happiness that you can’t give away.

“I love hearing that that is how you feel, now let’s see what the scale says. Let’s get you on it.” Sweeney should have known that Joe’s rambling ass would eat up airtime.

So Joe starts at 364 pounds and after an interminable amount of beeps, he lands on 217 pounds for a 147 pound loss, or 40.38%.

Joe says, “The scale doesn’t lie.”

Gina wins.

Click to see Gina’s reaction.

Good for Gina. Really. She got her reputation dragged through the mud by this show and she was treated like absolute shit by Jillian, so I’m glad she at least won the money and beat Joe. It makes me happy that the person TBL wanted us to hate was the second-place winner.

Low-Fat Banshee

Man, am I glad we’ve got those weigh-ins out of the way. It’s easily the most tedious part of watching the last episode, which has recaps by necessity due to the influx of viewers who show up just for the grand finale. This season, ignoring the premiere and the finale, The Biggest Loser had an average of 5.9 million viewers, while the finale had 7.4 million. So, while it’s interesting to see how TBL chose to frame the season, I really, really, really didn’t need to see footage for the second, third or fourth time. Which is why it was a relief when the weight loss testimonies came from somewhere other than the same 15 people.

“Gina isn’t the only winner here tonight,” Sweeney says. “On day one we challenged you, America, to join the battle against obesity in this country and your response has been tremendous.” We’ve lain waste to the Great Fatty Hordes besieging this great nation of ours! “Together, you’ve already lost more than 100,000 pounds.” Of course, in five years time they’ll have regained 150,000 pounds. “Tonight, hundreds of inspirational people who embody what The Biggest Loser is all about are here with us live.” Oh boy! They didn’t bring the lean cadavers this year! “Our trainers are in the audience with some of them now to hear a few of their amazing stories.” Okay, Sweeney, I’m bracing myself for some amazing stories. Bring it on.

Bob’s first. “I’m standing here with Brandi, she’s 38 from Carthage, Texas. Tell us about yourself.” Yeah, Brandi, tell us all about who you are, your hopes, your dreams, your ambitions in life.

“Well, I’ve lost 75 pounds,” Brandi says.

“We have a before picture,” Bob announces. “Can we see it?”

Click to see Brandi’s before and after photo.

“Look at her.” We are, Bob. We are. “I mean, she looks incredible. And you have something special coming up, what is it?”

“I do,” Brandi says. “Sunday I’m running my first half marathon.”

“A half marathon,” Bob cheers. “Do you know how far that is? Are you sure you want to do that? Do you know how far that is?” Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The funny. It burns!

So, Brandi tries to ask Bob if he’ll join her for the marathon, but he’s too busy laughing at his own… um… joke, and he won’t relinquish his mic, so you can’t really hear what she says. But we can hear him perfectly when he says, “I’ll ride in a golf cart beside you, how about that?” HAHAHAHA!

Personal space Bob. Personal space.

Then over to Jillian. “With me, I have Katarina. She’s 19, she’s from North Ridge, California, and she joined Challenge America in the very beginning of the season. How much have you lost?” That’s Jillian “Wham Bam How Much Have you Lost?” Michaels for you.

“Well can I just say I can’t believe I’m standing next to you right now?” What? No! I want to know how much you’ve lost, dammit!

But Jillian hugs her, and then she finally says, “I’ve lost 50 pounds.”

“Okay, let’s take a look at her before picture,” Jillian says.Foreplay’s over. Jillian’s goes straight for the satisfaction.

Click to see the before and after.

It’s kind of hard to tell the difference between the photo and now because they only show her from the midriff up.

But Jillian is enthusiastic about the difference. “You look beautiful, you really do. You look gorgeous. How do you feel?” Because if you focus on the beauty of weight loss, it’s okay as long as you follow it up by asking how they feel.

“Great, like amazing. I’ve never felt like this before in my life.” Not even the first time you were at this weight?

“And what was your motivation to lose the weight?” Michaels asks.

“You were my motivation,” Katarina says, and Jillian looks bashful. “Whenever you talk to the contestants I felt like you’re talking to me, just to do more in the gym, just to keep going harder, and if I ever had a craving for a donut or a cookie I just heard you yelling at me, ‘You better not eat that, you better go to the gym right now and raise that incline.’”

Man, I thought having to watch Jillian Michaels on this show was a nightmare. Just imagine having her trapped in your damned head!

“You gotta raise the volume a little bit,” Jillian says. Then she full-out screams at the top of her lungs, “YOU BETTER NOT EAT THAT! DO NOT EAT THAT!” Katarina, clearly not expecting this, looks obviously startled.

Click to see Katarina’s hilarious reaction to being screeched at by Queen of the Bullies.

“That’s exactly what we all hear in our minds.” And, oh what a pleasure it must be living in your head.

Finally, we go to Dolvett who says, “I am here with Jessica from San Diego California. What brings you here today?”

“I am here today to do this, right?” Jessica says, and Dolvett is not amused. Mostly, though, it’s because her attempt at being light-hearted fell flat.

“And what’s your story?”

“I still have about 50 pounds to lose, but I started my journey about a year ago, and as of today I’m down a hundred pounds,” Jessica says.

“One hundred pounds,” Dolvett repeats. “Look at this before picture of Jessica.”

Click to see the before and after comparison.

Okay, I hate to be discouraging, but where you are at one year is probably where you’re going to stay, if you’re lucky enough not to regain. If she really lost 100 pounds in one year, that’s two pounds a week, which is the upper threshold of what most entities define as slow and steady. I would love to know what she has done so far to lose that much weight, but I would also love to know the trajectory. I’m guessing most of the weight came off during the first three months, and it tapered off gradually after that. And considering the amount she lost, she would have had to make drastic lifestyle changes. To lose another 50, she would have to go even more drastic.

“Wow, you look amazing,” Dolvett says. “So tell us real quick, what have you learned in the process?” Quick being the operative word.

“I have learned your journey never ends,” Jessica says. “And you can achieve any goal you set your mind to if you are determined and you stay focused.” But can you stay at your goal, that’s the real question. Check back with me in five years and we’ll see how that’s going.

“Is there anything else you want to add?” Dolvett asks.

“Nothing else I want to add, but I did promise some friends back home that I would check out your biceps.”

Okay, if you’re done degrading humanity, can we move on, please?

“If they can do it at home, so can you,” Sweeney says. “We’re challenging all of you America to live the Biggest Loser lifestyle at home, whether you want to lose 5 or 50 pounds.”

As Sweeney is selling us on The Biggest Loser online weight loss program, we see images of former contestants flash past the screen, one of which you may recall from my “Where Are They Now?” post on former contestants.

Click to see the transforming fatty cut his weight in half!

That guy right there is Michael Ventrella, the contestant who lost the most amount of weight on the show ever and, as you may recall, had several photos showing that he has since regained quite a bit of the weight. And yet here he is being touted as a TBL success story, when the real story looks more like this:

While the pictures of Ventrella flash for just a second on the screen, it’s part of TBL’s body of evidence that their approach works. Except it only works while you’re at the ranch. Once you leave, it’s anyone’s guess how things will turn out.

After a commercial break, Sweeney gets all serious again. “This season we took on our biggest challenge yet: the growing problem of childhood obesity. So for the very first time we had three kids come to the ranch to lead the way.” Great plan. No pressure,kids! “And from the moment we all laid eyes on him, we fell head over heels in love with Biingo.” Biingo is a cute kid. Which is why it’s so galling how he has been exploited. “Just like millions of kids across the country, all he wanted to do was get fit so he could play baseball. And he proved to everyone that with a little hard work, you can play anything you want.”

I got news for you Sweeney: fat kids play baseball. Haven’t you people seen “The Sandlot”?

We flashback for about the 50th time this season to the shot of Biingo jumping to catch a ball and missing it, then saying, “Aaaaw butterfingers.” Then we hear him say in a voiceover (again, for the 50th time), “I love playing baseball with my friends, but I can’t throw as fast as they can, I can’t run as fast as they can.”

I just want to stop right here and say that I keep encountering this mindset from anti-HAES proponents who seem to equate skill with health. The argument goes something like this: if you’re healthy, then you should be competitive and if you’re not healthy, then you’re not competitive. So, if you’re a 400 pound man who runs/walks a marathons, that doesn’t count because your time is so slow.

This is ridiculous. If Biingo enjoys baseball and plays baseball with his friends, then he is getting exercise, whether he can throw or run as well as his friends or not. And yet we set these expectations that health equals skill, when that is clearly not the case. When Kelly Gneiting trained for, and completed, the marathon, he was exercising, whether it took him 5 hours or 15. To dismiss someone’s efforts because they aren’t competitive is discouraging and it’s a greater stumbling block to getting fat people active than their weight is.

“I just want to be a normal kid of normal weight that doesn’t get made fun of.” It would be nice if we’d just work on kids not making fun of other kids, but I guess that’s asking too much of society. “This is the start of a new beginning.” A new beginning of a lifetime struggle with weight.

We see Dr. Splenda at Biingo’s house asking, “Biingo, how many hours of video games would you say you play a day?”

Biingo says, “Like, nine.” This is obviously an exaggeration, and in the original episode his mom corrects him and says that’s on the weekend. He plays five on a weekday. My question is, when does this kid eat or do homework or take a shower? And if he is allowed to come home and play video games until bedtime is that really his fault?

We then see Biingo with his fractured foot, and he says, “On top of me having weight issues, I have an injury and I feel like I can’t do anything.”

Bob tells Biingo, “Get outside and play some baseball with your friends.” Biingo says, “Challenge accepted.”

“I just can’t wait to prove that I can work through this injury and I will be healthy,” Biingo says. “I’m very proud of myself, how far I’m getting and how well it’s going.” We find out that Biingo doubled his situp record from the beginning of the show.

Then we see when Dr. Splenda announced, “Biingo has lost 25% of his body weight.” This was followed by Biingo saying, “That’s just insane to think of me cut into a quarter and just thrown away.”

We see the reunion where Biingo says, “No more being the largest kid in class, no more being the kid in class that gets made fun of.” Of course, that’s only until he regains the weight or the bullies stop respecting the TV crews. “When I look in the mirror I see Biingo. That’s all I see and I’m  happy to see me.”

Click to see the Biingo montage.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw…

Now Sweeney introduces Biingo, who gets the full Biggest Loser treatment with the double doors and the before and after picture.The only difference is that he got to wear a shirt.

Click to see Biingo’s grand entrance.

“Everyone wanted this for you from the moment we met you at the Biggest Loser,” Sweeney says, greeting him. “Since you’ve started, you have lost — you’ve grown two inches, first of all — you’ve lost 43 pounds.” The crowd goes wild. “Your parents are with you here tonight. They’ve lost weight too. Tell us about your parents getting healthy with you.”

Biingo talks about how he and his family lost weight together.

Family Diets: The new sensation that’s sweeping the nation.

Then Sweeney says, “So this is the one I couldn’t believe: nine hours a day playing video games and you just said, ‘Nope, not gonna do it anymore.’”

“No, in between having to go to the gym workout, eat healthy, you know, just kind of ran out of time for it,” Biingo says. “So it just kinda… it just didn’t happen.” After that Biingo never played video games ever again.

Biingo’s obviously drawing from Jackson’s wardrobe now.

Then Sweeney moves on to Biingo’s fantasy. “You talked about it right from the beginning, how much you loved baseball and one of the experiences you had was that you tried out for one of the best baseball teams in the entire state, the Maryland Cardinals. How did that go?”

Ah yes… it wouldn’t be enough if Biingo joined his school team or, say, met his friends every weekend to play. No, he has to join “one of the best baseball teams in the entire state.” And while this is certainly awesome for a kid to make the best team in the state, it is certainly not a necessary step in getting a child active. But getting Biingo active isn’t really the point of this exercise.

Biingo answers, “Oh, I think it went pretty good. It was exciting, it was different, it was fun.”

“Did you feel like you did well?”

“I feel like I did.”

“I have someone here who wants to tell you how well you did,” Sweeney says. “So we have this little surprise. Come on out coach.”

Surprise surprise, Biingo made the team. I’m sure he made the team because of his improve athleticism and innate ability, and that it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s on the TV show.

Click to see Biingo’s fantasy come true.

The entire season has been leading up to these wish fulfillments for the kids. The weight loss has been under the radar most of the season, but they knew that in the end they would announce the total weight lost and couple that with the fantasy outcome they engineered and it would send a powerful message to parents and kids alike: lose weight and you can achieve your dreams.

The unanswered question, and the one that time will ultimately decide, is what happens when these kids regain the weight? What then?

NBC doesn’t really care. They merely wanted this moment on the stage when the magic of weight loss becomes a reality.

Final Flashbacks

After another commercial, Sweeney begins to show the background stories of the final three contestants.

First up, we see Jackson get called from the audience in the season premiere. We also hear Sweeney say, “As a teenager, Jackson was put down for who he was. Now he may just come out on top.”

We see TBL’s favorite photo of Fat Jackson in his tiny Mormon shirt walking down the street.

“I came out as a gay man in 9th grade and that was just tough,” Jackson says to the camera. “The kids would make it their mission to embarrass me in front of everyone else. It was awful. It was a living hell. And that was when I started to find comfort in food.” Cut to shots of him stuffing his face. “I have to change my life right now. This is the moment. This is when it needs to happen.”

Then we see Jackson say, “My very first workout I think to myself, ‘This is the worst thing in the world, I’m going to die.’” Show the footage of Jackson passing out. “I cannot get through a single workout without my body going into complete shock. I need this opportunity, I need this to be here.” I need to hurl.

Click to see Jackson’s pathetic montage.

Then we see Dolvett’s timeless advice, “You throw up, you keep going, you throw up, you keep going. Eventually, you’re going to stop throwing up, you follow what I’m saying?”

Click to see Dolvett’s motivational vomit dance.

Yeah, I follow what you’re saying, and considering that Jackson was still puking in the second-to-last episode, you’re full of shit, or puke. Maybe both.

“But, I’d take a couple of seconds and then I’d get right back to work,” Jackson says because that’s a healthy model to follow.

Now begins the inspiring exercise montage with Jackson leading his team when Dolvett left the ranch to visit Lindsay. “Dolvett should be terrified of me taking his job, I’m coming after him,” Jackson jokes.

We see Jackson on the scale losing 22, then Jackson losing 12, then Dolvett either making an excited face or mocking Jackson. I can’t tell which.

Click to figure out if Dolvett is mocking Jackson.

“I love the fact that I never gave up. I’m never going to let fear rule my life any more.” Throughout much of this season, fear has been essentially a synonym for fat. In fact, there was an entire episode dedicated to drawing that connection where one never existed. Scared of sharks? Nah, it’s really your fear of letting Bob tell you what to do. Claustrophobic? Nah, you’re just fat, so let’s put you in a coffin.

After Jackson’s flashback, Sweeney brings him out and Jackson immediately begins greeting and joking with the other contestants sitting on the stage.

Click to see the exuberant reunion.

Sweeney panics and goes over to get him. “Alright, we have a show to do. Come here.”

“I couldn’t control myself,” Jackson laughs.

“I still can’t get over how fantastic you look. Have you seen the other finalists yet? I mean, are you nervous?”

“If they look anything like these guys, I’m in for a world of hurt. I’m trying to stay positive.”

“If you want to be the best, you have to beat the best,” Sweeney says. “So let’s meet your competition. As a boy, Jeff had to deal with the unimaginable loss of his father. Now he’s ready to do him proud.” TBL loves promoting dead parents.

We see Jeff get called down during the premiere followed by Jeff standing on the scale and saying, “I’m ashamed an embarrassed of what I’ve done to myself.”

“I lost my dad when I was 17,” he says to the camera as we see a photo of him. “One of the things he did share before he passed was that he wanted me to lose the weight and I feel like if I made this change that he would be extremely proud of me, and I don’t know when the last time I could say that, you know, he was really proud of me.” Yup, nothing exploitative about choosing the contestant has a father whose dying wish was for him to lose weight.

We see Jeff crying, “I just don’t want to go home.”

“Listen to me,” Bob says. “You do all the work and I’ll do all the worrying. You can do this.”

Then we see the other creepy element of this story when Jeff says to the camera, “I haven’t had that male bonding type of scenario in a long, long time.” Yes, it’s time for Bob to take the mantle of Jeff’s father figure.

“Good job, brother, I love you for your effort,” Bob tells him.

“It’s kind of nice now to have someone push you to be better than you thought you were,” Jeff says to the camera again. “To have someone believe in you more than you believe in yourself.”

“He’s a strong man,” Bob says. “He’s capable of a lot.”

“I want Bob to be proud of me and proud of the effort I put into the gym, when he’s around and when he’s not around,” Jeff says to the camera. And now we’re in psychologically bizarre territory. Bob has become the father bestowing his pride upon his “son,” Jeff, for losing weight. Exploitative? Naaaaah. That’s good TV!

Bob says to Jeff, as he begins to sob, “You’re a good man and I know that wherever your father is right now that he is so proud of you because there is no way that he couldn’t be.”

“I mean, you’ve changed my life and I can’t thank you enough.” Bob and Jeff hug because it’s a BLM, baby.

We see Jeff loses 11 pounds. “YES!” he cries.

“That’s the number!” Bob shouts.

Click to see Jeff’s montage.

“Here he is,” Sweeney says. “Say hello to the brand new Jeff.”

Click to see the Brand New Jeff!

Of course, being in the Final Three, Jeff gets a holofatty.

Click to see the holofatty rise and Jeff heap shame and scorn upon its image.

Jeff shakes his head at the holofatty.

“First of all, I know how important it was for you to make him proud. But what about you? Are you proud of you?” Sweeney asks.

“You know, I am proud, for the first time in a long time. I’m proud.” Jeff says.

“What does that feel like to say that out loud? What does that mean to say that out loud?” It means he’s proud, Sweeney, geez. Back off already.

“You know, I would always just hide behind the jokes, hide behind the laughter and, you know, pretend I was proud. So to be able to say here in front of all my friends, family, my new family, you and America, to be able to mean it. It’s unbelievable.”

The lesson here? If a fatty says they’re proud, they’re really like Jeff: just pretending. Remember that, America, you can’t be proud, unless you’re thin.

Finally, are you ready for the transformation of the season? This is the change that I was not prepared for and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Brace yourself.

“She’s a textbook example that with a little hard work —” Sweeney says before pretending to correct herself, “okay it was definitely a lot of hard work — anyone can have that fairy tale ending. Have a look at Danni’s story.” Yes, because losing weight is just like a fairy tale.

We see Danni called down and we see her starting weight and her shame-face.

“My weight has stolen my confidence without a doubt, Danni says to the camera. “I let my weight speak for myself. If I could get that confidence back I could do so much more with my life.” Of course, you can’t have confidence with a fat ass, which brings us to the inspiring exercise montage.

We see Danni pushing Jillian on one of those football things, we hear her wheezing, then she collapses. Cue the favorite footage of Danni dumping a bucket of water on her head and screaming, “Wake up Danni!”

We see Danni falls off treadmill while walking backwards, then Jillian asking her, “Is this it? Do you want this to be the end? Is this how the story ends? Pull it together Danni.”

“I know I can be the person I really should be.” We see Danni kicking a pad Jillian is holding. “I’m tired of living my life at a 70% level, I want to live 100%. You only live once.” Wow, that’s an awesome saying. I hope that catches on. Maybe if they make some kind of mnemonic device from “You only live once” it will catch on with the kids, just like Gina’s “Quitting is forever” saying.

We see Danni win four challenges because she won nearly all of them. Then Jillian says, “Danni has been spot on every single weigh in. She’s earned this. She’s worked harder than everyone the entire season.” Despite having been disproven time and time and time again, Jillian returns with the “hard work = weight loss” equation.

“I’m proud of you man,” Jillian says to Danni on the Scale. “That’s rad.” And totally tubular. “Because you did it, Danni. You did it.”

“I’m a finalist,” she says at the final weigh-in before the finale. “I believed in myself and I believe I can pay it forward and I’m excited to prove to America that if I can do it, you sure as hell can do it.” Then Danni and Jillian have a puffy shirt hug.

Click to see Danni’s montage, including the puffy shirt hug.

“She won almost all of her challenges on her own,” Sweeney says. “She’s about to face her biggest one tonight. Can she do it one last time? Come on out, Danni.” Now, brace yourself because I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.

Click to see Danni’s dramatic entrance.

The crowd goes absolutely gaga as Danni walks with her holofatty before holding out her hands at her “old self.”

Click to see Danni say NO to holofatty.

For those of you wondering, no,the transformation I’m talking about isn’t Danni’s weight loss. It’s hard to see in these screencaps, but I found a better photo that reflects the shock and horror I felt as she stepped onto the stage.

Business in front, party in back.

DANNI HAS A FUCKING MULLET!!!

What has happened to her? Was she abducted by Honey Boo Boo? Who told her, “Hey, you know what would look really good? If we piled your hair on top of your head like you’re a NASCAR driver from the 1990s.”

Seriously, of all the moments from this night (and there are still plenty left to come) this is the one that rendered me unable to close my jaw. I’m still having nightmares about this haircut.

“Danni, you’re standing here in the finals did you know you had it in you from day one? Did you know this was in you from day one?” Did you know you had that mullet in you?

“From day one? No, I did not know this was in me.” I used to have a sense of style, after all. “I was a scared, self-conscious person. I did not know I could be here.” Wearin’ a mullet. “I didn’t know I was going to get past the first workout.” Danni starts to cry. “I’m sorry, I just saw Jill.” And I realized how much I look like her now. “I didn’t know that my dreams were possible and I finally feel like my dream’s come true.” Ah, the Fantasy returns.

“All that emotion came from seeing Jill.” And a mirror. “After all that you two have been through together, what do you want to say to her?” Please shave my head?

“I just want to give her a hug,” Danni sniffs.

“Not yet,” Jillian says, holding out her hands. “Wait, I have this moment. I’ve been picturing it. You wait. I’ve been picturing this moment for months now and I’m not ready yet. It’s gonna be when the confetti comes down no matter what and you promise I’m the first hug.”

Click to see Jillian refuse to hug Danni’s enormous mullet.

“I promise you,” Danni says.

Am I the only one who finds this exchange weird? Because it was really weird. Bob and Dolvett hugged their contestants without hesitation, but why is Jillian spending so much time defending this “moment” she wants to have under the confetti?

Before we can figure it out, Sweeney ushers the contestants off the stage, except Danni doesn’t seem to want to leave.

Danni’s mullet has left her struggling to keep up with the others.

“The last of our three kid ambassadors is about to come out and she looks absolutely stunning. I can’t wait for you to see her right after this.”

Just as Danni has been the prize contestant this season, and all of her segments seem to be put in a “saved the best for last” position, so too is Sunny the favorite kid contestant.

But we’re not going to see Sunny today because I’m saving the best for last myself, including a live proof of the failure that follows Biggest Loser. Just one more recap, folks, and you’ll finally get to learn just who is The Biggest Dickweed.

If you think this is wrong, sign the petition to stop Biggest Loser and join our boycott.

Previous recaps

• Prequel — Paging Dr. Dolgoff
• Episode 1 — The Biggest Dickweed
• Episode 2 — Reclaiming Worth
• Episode 3 — Crossfire Hurricane
• Episode 4 — Cognitive Dissonance
• Episode 5 — Abracadabra
• Episode 6 — Mystery Tramp
• Episode 7 — Valentine’s Day Massacre
• Episode 8 — Queen Bee
• Episode 9 — Fear and Loathing
• Episode 10 — Half Baked
• Episode 11, Part 1 — Fresh Puke
• Episode 11, Part 2  — Desperate Times
• Episode 12, Part 1 — The Final Countdown

Well first I need to say hello out there in blogland. Sorry I have been gone y’all. My computer died on me at Christmastime  and then we lost our internets. THEN, I started having seizures more often, so I had to deal with that. THEN we moved from Kansas City, Missouri to Orlando, Florida and that took a month of our time. But I’m back and writing again, though, and that is what matters.

Today, what I want to write about is the movie Bully. Yeah, I know I’m like a year late with this too. But I saw this in Redbox last night and had to rent it. This movie blew me away. It had me crying, smiling, and hoping I can do something to change things for my kids, so no one ever has to go through what I, and many other bullied kids, had to go through growing up.

Bully follows the story of a few teens, their bullies and, more importantly, their schools’ reaction to it, including what that bullying can ultimately cause. Whether it be bringing guns to school or hanging yourself, Bully shows just how far kids can be driven by their tormentors.

In Tuttle, Oklahoma, Kelby has been bullied unmercifully and her family has been treated as outcasts ever since she came out of the closet. In Mississippi, a 14-year-old honor student, Ja’Meya, still faces an uncertain fate after unending bullying made her bring her mother’s loaded gun on a school bus and brandish it to intimidate her bullies in an effort to make it stop; as a result, she was initially charged with multiple felony counts and faced decades in prison.

In Perkins, Oklahoma, Kirk and Laura Smalley are launching a national campaign against bullying after the suicide of their 11-year-old son, Ty. The film’s power is kind of undercut by its narrow geographic focus, which seems to associate bullying with conservative or working-class areas in red states. Lord knows the bullying goes on in schools in blue states and major cities as well. The filmmakers could easily have found similar cases involving the children of urban sophisticates.

Sadder than the shots of tormenting is the administration’s ineptitude. Over and over and over again we see schools just dismissing what amounts to mental and physical torture  in a place where our kids are supposed to try to learn.

Guys, this movie is powerful. I cried at least three different times. It punches you in the gut if you have been bullied. I grew up taller than everybody else, and then fatter. I remember the day I started my eating disorder in 7th grade, after a week where everybody called me beached whale instead of my real name. I remember the teachers not knowing HOW to help back then (my eternal thanks to the librarian who let me hide in the library and read instead of face the lunchroom). I remember fantasizing about either killing myself or my tormentors just to make the whole thing stop. I was lucky. I went to a small school district that cared enough to keep an eye on me and let me hide in the library and visit with the teachers. I am SO scared for my girls, going to a larger school in Florida. Ugh… middle school.

Lots of stuff has happened in the past few days, so bear with me.

So… I have a brace on now. Yeah.

What the hell happened? Well, remember when I was talking about going to Arizona and had a short fall down the Grand Canyon about a month ago?

This was the wall of rock I fell down. It was only about halfway down. But you see that woman up there? She is 6 feet tall.

It seems like I hurt myself then and because I’m a gym rat I kept working out on my wrist to the point that I couldn’t move my hand at all from the pain. Luckily I didn’t break anything. Unfortunately I am out of weight-lifting for a whole damn month. Just the past two days have almost killed me! UGH.

I did it for this picture.
It was worth almost dying for.

In other news, I got a particularly nasty comment made at me. I was told that I “bring shame upon my family and friends” with my “unacceptable, irresponsible” fat body and that I have a “moral and parental obligation” to become “healthy” (i.e., thin) for the sake of my family and friends’ honor and reputation. It really got to me because while I can handle backhanded comments about myself, I question the ability of my friends and family to do so. I have struggled with this before, thinking that I was not worthy of being around other people, that I was too disgusting and that I would just bring them down with my presence. It is one of the major reasons I never went outside and rarely went to social gatherings.

So I asked my brother if he felt shame when we spend time together in public. He said no, that he is just happy that we get to spend time together and that the people who told me the above were mean and wrong. I love that boy.  The rest of my family expressed that they never felt shame toward me either, and that the things I have done and continue to do are amazing milestones; not just in my own life but also in our family history: first woman to go to college and first woman to graduate high school without a child of my own.

I think the best reactions, though, were the ones of my friends. Oh, the look on their faces were priceless. When I told my workout partners what that guy said, the male partner looked me straight in the face and said “I have absolutely no shame about hanging with you.” He is awesome, I heart him. The women expressed the same sentiment, and were incredulous that anyone would say something so cruel.

I will shank that asshole in his left eye.

I even asked a random acquaintance (oh yes, I asked/told everyone). What really gets me is that no one said anything even close to agreeing with this jerk, even passive aggressively (i.e., “that guy was a jerk but…”).

What the hell does it mean?  Is it me? Am I thought of as a “good fatty” because I exercise and am active? Am I seen as someone who is good “despite my flaws”? Or is it them, these people who seem to be mean for absolutely no other reason but to be mean? Is it these people who would rather see fat people ashamed and silenced from speaking about our issues? Aren’t these people just a minority who think their opinion is what everyone needs to hear and who need a rather abrupt and rude reality check?

Even if everyone around me thinks wild and crazy things, it doesn’t hurt me when they keep their mouths shut about it. For the most part, you can’t tell who is a bigot until they open their mouths. If we check their bigoted words enough, they will start to learn to keep their opinions to themselves. If we call out the other, non-verbal things, then they will learn to keep neutral.

If we take a page from the pagan (and LGBTQ) community, we can “reclaim” fat and make it human again. We are human; we have jobs and families and hopes and dreams. We have personalities and quirks, pet peeves and hobbies. The more people who know us (and we don’t let them get away with stereotyping), the better it will be in the long run.

Trigger warning: This post thoroughly discusses an episode The Biggest Loser, including the abusive bullshit as well as the weigh-ins.

This is it.

It all comes down to these last 20 minutes or so.

Soon, Jackson, Jeff and Danni will weigh-in to see who is the biggest loser. My money is on Danni if only because of the mullet.

Oh no.

Whoever did that to her hair should be ashamed of themselves, along with every single crew member who didn’t say, “Excuse me ma’am, but you look like Joe Dirt.”

Everything’s gonna happen for me,
just so long as I never have no in my heart

But Danni’s in the running for far more than Queen of Arkansas. There’s a $250,000 cash prize up for grabs and with Gina out of the way, Danni was the next front runner.

And more importantly, there are three trainers in the running for the title of The Biggest Dickweed.

Fantasy Land

Hey, you know who we haven’t seen yet? The medical staff behind this farcical atrocity. After all, they’re the ones who deserve all the credit for the successful weight loss of the adults and children. And Sweeney introduces them, thank their “world class doctors,” Dr. Splenda and Dr. Hyzongi.

Why does Dr. Hozanga always look like he just sat on a strategically-placed cactus?

Thanks, Dr. Joanna Dolgoff (aka Dr. Splenda) for teaching these kids, and the countless children in the real world, that losing 40-50 pounds in four months is healthy. Way to go, you shameless, hypocritical fraud.

And so we bring on the third and final child, Sunny, who has seemed to be favored by the editors this season, just like Danni. Now, maybe that’s just because Danni and Sunny are the two most likable “characters” on the show. Or, maybe it’s because the one-month delay allows the editors to generally know the trajectory of weight loss and whether certain contestants would make it to the end or not. Either way, Danni and Sunny were definitely the favorites.

“She’s a beautiful young woman that wants to fit into her prom dess —” and yes, she says “dess” “— and more importantly, wants to fit in with her friends.” Remember kids, if you’re fat you can’t fit in a prom dress and you won’t fit in. “Here’s a look at Sunny’s story.”

Flashback to that shot of Sunny studying in the library, which they have repeatedly used to illustrate Sunny being lonely and pathetic. I guess it’s because she’s looking down, which is what happens when you read books. “I wish that I could feel comfortable and confident because I don’t feel like that.”

This is followed by the single most recycled piece of footage of the entire season: Sunny and the red dress. It was used in at least four episodes (2, 5, 10, 11), but this fifth time you actually get to hear what she says in the dressing room: “Maybe when I lose some weight it will look a bit more flattering on me.” Now, imagine you’re a young girl watching this show. Imagine if you’ve seen all 12 episodes, and this footage has been replayed five times. Do you think that would have an effect on you?

This is why Sunny and the red dress is a recurring symbol in the show; it exemplifies to a T the body anxieties of young girls everywhere. It’s not that Sunny’s experience in the red dress is bad. It’s neutral. It’s life. Few 16-year-olds are in complete control of their body image. It’s something taught to them, and here is The Biggest Loser teaching it to other little girls, like this one from the audience who looks bored out of her mind while Dolvett interviewed an audience member.

Can we go now?

She’s seeing these messages, and what will she take away from them?

“The problem is nobody wants to talk about teenage obesity,” Sunny’s voiceover says as we see her eating M&Ms for the fourth time, “because it’s just a touchy subject and nobody wants to go there. But I think it’s time we went there.”

We then see Sunny say to her friends, “The problem is, like, nobody ever talked to me about it. It’s something that maybe we are shoving under the rug. If you approach it in the right way and let them know what’s going on, I think that what being a good friend is.” Here’s the weird thing about this segment. The way it’s edited, it’s clearly about weight loss, but in episode 10 when this conversation took place, the context provided was that Sunny was talking about the time she tried purging a meal and how she was glad she didn’t develop an eating disorder.

We’ll never know the full context, but it’s fascinating how a single phrase can be moved beside a different clip and the context changes entirely.

“And my mom happens to be very overweight and right now I’m making the decision to talk about it rather than suppress my feelings,” Sunny says to the camera.

Sunny says to her mom, “If you continue to gain weight, my biggest fear is that you’re going to die” and Sunny’s mom says, “You know, I really hear your fear and we’re going to do it together.”

Of course, what they left out of this segment in episode 9 when Sunny shed a fascinating light on her mom’s weight struggles:

It’s hard to explain, but throughout the years you’ve gone on one fad diet after another and you end up kind of putting the weight back on and again and just a bit more weight as well… My mom steadily throughout my life has gained and gained and gained and gained, and I really think that’s why I gained weight. I don’t want to see her miserable like this.

Is her participation on The Biggest Loser just the start of the same lifetime struggle she has witnessed in her mother? Where will Sunny’s weight be in 20, 30, 40 years?

Pish posh, why are we fretting over such unimportant details, we’ve got a finale to celebrate!

We get to Sunny’s inspirational exercise montage, including Sunny running a mile for the kid’s challenge from episode 8, where they compared their initial physical fitness results with their latest. “This is just the first step to the new me and I’m going to run with it,” Sunny’s voiceover says.

We see Sunny say to the camera, “I’ve always had this little voice in the back of my mind telling me, ‘You can’t do this.’” As she says this, we see from the footage episode 7 of her dancing at the Bollywood dance studio Jillian set up just for Sunny. “I shut that voice up and I did exactly what I wanted to.”

Cut to the reunion footage and we hear Sunny say, “So you’ll be seeing a lot more of my smile in the future.”

Click to see Sunny’s montage.

Sweeney can barely contain her excitement as she says, “America, prepare to be dazzled. Here she is rocking that prom dress. It’s Sunny!”

Click to see Sunny’s entrance.

“Sunny you look so beautiful,” Sweeney greets her. “Sunny has lost 51 pounds. She’s down four dress sizes. This girl runs 5ks now. What is your life like, Sunny?”

Sunny is the ultimate Fantasy of Being Thin come true.

“My life is completely different,” Sunny says, latching onto the “new person” motif dieters love. “You know, it’s never too early to lose weight.” WHAT!?!?!? Yes, it can be “too early” to lose weight. I don’t think kids should be trying to lose weight. We’ve seen this movie and it doesn’t end well. “And I feel like I have a fresh start and a new beginning and I’m just so excited for the future. I mean, my life is so complete, I’m so happy.” Once more, that happiness is there only so long as the weight stays off. Her happiness now depends upon successful maintenance.

“There are so many kids that look up to you right now, the journey you are on, the changes that you have made,” Sweeney says, outlining exactly how fucked up this situation is. “What do you want to say to all those kids out there?” Sweeney gestures to the audience.

Be like Sunny, kids. Lose 50 pounds in four months.

“I just want to say that all it takes is a step in the right direction and a lot of perseverence, and I promise you that being in good health is the best feeling that you can ever have.” And by good health, she obviously means being thin.

Sweeney then brings out all the kids and the trainers.

Take a good long look. The trainers own this moment, today and for the rest of kids’ lives.

Sweeney asks Bob, “What do you want to say to Biingo?”

“Biingo, I want to tell you you look stylin’,” Yeah, Bob would say that, what with his geek chic and flannelmania. “You’re a really good role model to a lot of boys out there.” After more time spent praising Biingo, we move on to Dolvett.

“When I first met Lindsay I was saying that this girl was an athlete from the very beginning, and you got on stage here, you became the cheerleader you always wanted to be.” Actually, she already was a cheerleader until she was bullied off the team. “You’re a beautiful young lady and you’re inspiring others just like you, girls your age. You’re an inspiration not only to them, but to me as well.”

Finally, Jillian gives the final message, which is should really be the goal of all teenage girls everywhere, “I don’t know that I have a message for Sunny, but more to her father. I would get a baseball bat, but not for baseball. You’re going to need to beat the boys off the porch. Holy cow.”

Hey parents, put your fat daughter on a diet so they’ll have a bunch of teenage sex zombies raiding your home like Night of the Living Dead. Great job, parents, you’ve helped sell America on the idea that putting kids on a Biggest Loser-style weight loss program is healthy and normal. Of course, that’s without much evidence that this is either healthy or safe.

And that’s per The Endocrine Society:

Although good-quality pediatric and adolescent data are scarce, there is sufficient evidence that intensive lifestyle modification programs, as in adults, can be an effective tool for pediatric weight control. Furthermore, implementation of a formal maintenance program after the treatment phase is completed can be of added importance in maintaining achieved weight loss. This fits into a concept of obesity as a chronic disease.

At first, this sounds pro-weight loss, rah rah rah. But you have to bear in mind that this is what passes for optimism:

Although the long-term outlook may appear bleak, some studies report long-term success in a significant subgroup of patients. The results of population surveys indicate that 25% of adults who had lost more than 10% of their body weight maintained their weight losses for more than 5 yr. In another population-based study of individuals who had completed a commercial weight loss program, 18.8% maintained a weight loss of 10% or greater for 5 yr, whereas 42.6% maintained a weight loss of 5% or greater for 5 yr; 19.4% maintained their weights within 5 lb of their original goals. In both papers, the authors opined that patients who seek out a health care setting have already tried and failed to lose weight through other means and may represent a more refractory population.

The question is, how many people actually lose more than 10% of their body weight or more? Or, better question yet, how many people lose 20% or more and keep it off for more than five years? That’s more like the kind of weight loss that people think of when they tell fatties to lose weight. The concern trolls who tell a 300-pound fatty to lose weight aren’t suggesting that they lose 30 pounds. But how many lose 60 pounds or more?

Well, one study says that “among US adults who had ever been overweight or obese, 36.6, 17.3, 8.5 and 4.4% reported [long-term weight loss maintenance] of at least 5, 10, 15 and 20%, respectively.” So, two-thirds of formerly fatties have lost 10% or more, but just 4% have lost 20% ore more. And that’s just the people who attempted to lose weight and succeeded. Do you see what I’m getting at?

Saying that a quarter of that two-thirds managed to keep more than 10% off after five years is incredibly optimistic when compared to those who try and fail and try and fail and try and fail, all the while pushing their weight higher and higher, like Sunny’s mom. This is primary problem with weight cycling, even if you ignore the metabolic issues, which are somewhat controversial. Our unrealistic expectations for what weight loss success looks like plays a huge role in the most severe weight cyclers.

And The Endocrine Society agrees:

Weight loss should be encouraged in patients with severe obesity and significant comorbidities. In this regard, a decrease in BMI of 1.5 kg/m², as reported in the meta-analysis commissioned by the Task Force, may seem trivial, but if it is maintained over a longer term, overweight or minimally obese growing children and adolescents without comorbidities may benefit by simply maintaining weight; BMI will decline as linear growth proceeds, and lifestyle modification may reduce fat mass, increase lean body mass, and improve cardiovascular fitness. In the more severely obese or in physically mature patients, moderate weight loss of only 7% was associated with a decrease in the incidence of T2DM. This may be a more realistic goal for the severely obese. [emphasis mine]

Although there is a dearth of long-term research on teenage weight loss attempts, I found this one with severely obese kids aged 8 to 12 years. The kids were divided into three groups who received a range of daily calories: 1,200–1,400, 1,400–1,600, and 1,600–1,800. All in all, it’s a pretty comprehensive program:

Families were taught behavioral strategies to increase physical activity and to decrease sedentary behaviors, such as watching television and playing computer games, with a goal of limiting those behaviors to <15 hours/week. Behavior modification techniques included self-monitoring, environmental changes, stepwise goal-setting, stimulus control, and positive reinforcement for meeting prescribed goals. We also included instruction in setting realistic expectations, promoting body image, minimizing emotional eating, and coping with teasing. Participating adults were instructed to set goals for and to model healthy changes in eating and physical activity. Overweight adults were encouraged, but not required, to lose weight.

As for the control group, this should sound familiar:

Adults and children in the usual care condition were offered 2 nutrition consultation sessions to develop an individual nutrition plan based on the Stoplight Eating Plan. There was no additional contact between assessments. Usual care participants were offered the intervention after completion of the 18-month assessment.

So you’ve got two approaches: low calorie diets or the Stoplight Eating Plan (i.e., the program Dr. Splenda supposedly used on the show). And how’d this experiment turn out?

The changes in percent overweight were not well maintained in the period after intervention in the current study. Child participants in the intervention group exhibited increases in percent overweight and BMI in the 1-year period after weekly intervention, whereas children in the usual care group maintained a stable degree of overweight, such that the study groups did not differ significantly in percent overweight at the 12- and 18-month assessments. This finding is in contrast to results reported in the literature, where, on average, the effects of family-based interventions were sustained over follow-up periods ranging from 1 month to 5 years after treatment. Weight loss maintenance in severely obese children is of particular importance, given their level of medical risk. Results of the study by Savoye et al also raise concerns about weight loss maintenance in severely obese children. In that investigation, the BMI among participants in the treatment group also increased during the second 6 months, despite ongoing biweekly intervention sessions.

Or, to put it graphically:

The only other relevant long-term research I could find for the red light, green light program was “Two-Year Internet-Based Randomized Controlled Trial for Weight Loss in African-American Girls”:

As reported earlier, in comparison with the control condition, adolescents in the behavioral treatment lost more BF and parents lost significantly more body weight during the first 6 months. During the next 18 months, parent and adolescent participants in both groups gained weight, and at 2 years, the weight/fat of the two treatment groups did not differ.

The only difference between those studies and The Biggest Loser is that the scope of the research is randomized and limited. The researchers give their subjects a lifestyle prescription and they study the effects. TBL has branded these three kids “ambassadors” of the show. They have tasked them with “inspiring” other fat kids to lose weight just like Sunny, Lindsay and Biingo, whose every dream came true in front of America after they lost a shocking amount of weight in a brief period of time.

All of this makes me wonder what kind of long-term commitment these kids are expected to have with the show.

Jerry-Rigged

After commercial break, we get one of the biggest surprises of the night. And it couldn’t be more apropos.

“This year marks the 15th anniversary that our friend Jared lost 245 pounds thanks to Subway,” Sweeney says. Then she explains how tonight’s biggest loser would star in a commercial with Jared, along with one former contestant. We learned of the contest from Jared himself on episode 8, after Jackson puked on his traveling fattypants.

“Well, you certainly haven’t had any Subway today, Jackson. What is that, beef stew?”

To vote, you would visit TBL’s site:

At the top, you may not have noticed (I didn’t the first time), there’s a description of who these 10 former contestants are:

In 2013, Jared Fogle will celebrate 15 years of staying fit with SUBWAY^® restaurants. To honor this milestone, SUBWAY^®restaurants and the Biggest Loser are teaming up to highlight our favorite “Biggest Losers” in a new TV commercial starring Jared, this season’s Biggest Loser winner and a Biggest Loser Ambassador — as selected by you!

It turns out, the Biggest Loser Ambassadorship is an actual thing, and these 10 former contestants are the only members.

Okay, am I the only one who noticed the cult-like header?

You should look at the original again.

The Ambassadors page is on their membership site, which, I had thought, was a two-tiered system: freebies and premium. But nope, it’s all premium. And what a premium.

For just $13 a month (for the first six months, then $20), or $198 for the first year (and $260 for each subsequent year), you can get a bunch of recipes and weight loss advice, as well as access to their community.

See, it’s just like being on the show, where everybody holds hands and wears bright Biggest Loser shirts (which has inspired me… we should make some Biggest Dickweed shirt).

The site doesn’t actually say what the Ambassadors do, let alone how much they’re paid. But you’ll notice they have a few things in common. See if you notice what I noticed:

Click to see all the profiles if it’s not already cycling.

There are four motivational speakers, two National Spoksepeople, and one guy (Mike Messina) works with Dr. Hozonga at a “radical treatment center for obesity, and obesity-related diseases located in Los Angeles.” One of the four motivational speakers (Sione Fa) is a trainer at the The Biggest Loser Resorts in Utah and Malibu.

Seven of the ten contestants have a financial stake in staying thin. And that’s without even knowing if they are paid to be ambassadors of for the show. The fact that they are making their living, at least in part, by staying slender is relevant since most dieters don’t have that luxury.

As a result, eight of the ten Ambassadors looks more or less the same as they did at the end of the show:

Click to see the eight Ambassador before and after photos.
The after photos are from 2013.

And then there’s the other two.

The first is Danny Cahill.

One is before and one is after. I forget which is which.

According to the December 2009 People, Danny won big on the show:

Land surveyor and musician Danny Cahill, 40, of Broken Arrow, Okla., became the biggest Biggest Loser of all time when he dropped 239 lbs., going from 430 to 191, to best his rival and show roommate Rudy Pauls, 31, in the season 8 finale Tuesday night. [emphasis not mine. It's People, people]

The People profile includes a photo of Danny dressed more fashionably and looking even thinner.

I keep getting a Jason Segal vibe.

According to the Tulsa World from February 2011, Danny’s resume changed to motivational speaker, author and musician. In the article, 12-year-old Isaiah Black watches Danny give his motivational speech about how he lost weight. We also learn that Black has lost “approximately 50 pounds in the YMCA’s Graduate Oklahoma, or GO Program, an after-school program for low-income children.” After his speech, Cahill finished by “singing an inspirational tune and playing acoustic guitar” and after all the other kids left, Cahill and Black had a moment alone.

“So, uh, I was wondering how I would go about dehydrating myself to dangerous levels
and subsisting on unsustainably low caloric levels, all while working out 46 hours a week.”

After Black left, the reporter asked what happened:

After their brief conversation, Cahill said, “Him losing 50 pounds is like me losing 150 pounds. That’s awesome. I told him to keep going and that I was proud of him, and that he can do anything he puts his mind to. If anybody tells him he can’t, they’re lying to him.”

Not only did Black get this thoroughly generic advice, but he also received “an autographed card complete with a picture of Cahill before and after he lost 239 pounds.”

“If he loses hope,” Cahill said, “he can look at that and say ‘I can do it.’ “

Oh, he can do it all right. But the real question is can he keep doing it for the rest of his life?

Two years later, the Herald-Sun in North Carolina profiled Cahill in an article titled “Biggest loser inspires Durham church.”

Cahill looking noticeably fleshier.

Curiously, the article says that Cahill “shed 239 pounds from his 460-pound frame in a little more than six months.” Bear in mind that season 8 lasted 13 weeks, and if we’ve learned from this season, it’s that Biggest Loser is willing to mislead its viewers on how long the weight loss actually takes. During episode 10 we were told that the contestants went home for two weeks, but during the weigh-in Sweeney said “Jackson,since America first saw you weigh in 10 weeks ago, you have lost 93 pounds.” And it was during “week 11″ that Dr. Hizengy told us that 101 days had passed.

My best estimate for the “12 weeks” of season 14 is 129 days, or 18.5 weeks. And now we learn that the “13 weeks” of season 8 was really over 24 weeks. It’s mind-boggling how they intentionally mislead viewers into believing Biggest Loser results are achievable within a matter of weeks. Of course, that’s only if you can commit to 1,200 calories per day and 46 hours of exercise per week.

After the chronological details, the article quotes Cahill as saying, “I tried to lose the weight dozens of times. I lose 10, 20, 30 pounds, then I’d quit.” What is this, like, the 50th person on Biggest Loser to talk about their multiple weight cycling attempts? Why is nobody connecting that this is what has been pushing their weights higher and higher? And yet, the mantra  continues to be, “Never give up! Never give in!”

[W]hile he talked about his weight loss and his current struggle to lose 20 pounds he gained after his father’s death last year, his large message was about faith, renewal and leaving the past behind.

“If they can get one thing out of it, I just don’t want people to ever give up,” Cahill said.

He said he continues to fight his food addiction.

“It’s very difficult,” Cahill said. “I have issues with food and it’s a daily struggle.”

“It’s an inspiring story,” [Ron Lewis, the founding pastor and senior minister] said. “We call it a God story. Those are the kinds of stories that provide oxygen to people and help them in their journey.”

No, that’s what we call it is a Sisyphean story. Those are the kinds of stories that provide delusions to people and help them believe that this time, this diet will be different. But they aren’t. Even the ones they call “permanent lifestyle changes,” which don’t get even remotely close to Biggest Loser results, even after two years. Eating sensibly and exercising does not typically result in 430 pound man losing 239 pounds. What is required is something far more draconian and far less effective, as evidenced by this February 24, 2013 video of Cahill:

Maintenance is the hardest part.

Despite his budding career as an author and motivational speaker and possible paid position as Biggest Loser Ambassador, Cahill is struggling to maintain his weight loss. Of course, this regain puts him in greater company.

And yes, odds are that his regain is being triggered by his father’s death, which is a stressful situation. When under stress, the body releases cortisol, and leptin inhibits cortisol, which is why many people turn to food when they’re stressed. When you’re dieting, you have really low circulating leptin levels, which (along with ghrelin) is responsible for the gnawing hunger during caloric restriction. So, step one to maintaining successful weight loss is to never face stress.

Good luck with that.

So, as you may have guessed, the previous nine people were not chosen by Biggest Loser fans to star in the Subway commercial. That honor went to season 11 contestant, Courtney Crozier.

But this wasn’t Crozier at her heaviest. She once weighed 435 pounds.

This was Crozier at 21, when she auditioned twice for Biggest Loser, but was never picked.  So, Courtney loses 112 pounds on her own. Marci’s mom summarizes the media response to her.

Marci said Courtney tried out unsuccessfully twice for The Biggest Loser. Only 22 can be accepted from 300,000 applicants. “It feels like rejection when the phone doesn’t ring. Then the same producers called her about the ABC show. She met  awesome people. They were going to follow eight for a year, then do a documentary. She finished ninth. I would have gone in my room and cried but she actually got mad on her 21st birthday. When she lost 112 pounds, the producers following her on social media started calling her. She hung up on them five times.”

She was, however, chosen to attend The Biggest Loser finales for seasons 7 and 8. It wasn’t until she lost the weight on her own, however, until she was chosen (along with her mom) to be a contestant in season 11. This time, she lost 110 pounds. According to Courtney’s blog, this process took 18 months. But the May 2011 finale, where she weighed in at 213 pounds, wasn’t the end of her weight loss process, according to Courtney’s Ambassador profile.

It seems that her final, ultimate goal is around 183 pounds.

But in a March 2013 Post-Tribune profile of the Crozier’s participation in the Subway contest, her mom seems to hint at something.

“Yes, Courtney represents our family and friends but represents so much more,” she said. “She’s not at her ideal weight quite yet allowing her to represent people who struggle everyday with their weight. She also represents those with healthy lifestyle success since she has had so much of her own.”

And indeed, when Sweeney introduces Jared and Courtney Crozier, it totally caught me by surprise.

Click to see the Courtney Crozier twofer.

And yet, how apropos, ya know? How absolutely perfect that the audience’s pick for favorite contestant would be the one person who has regained the most amount of weight.

Sweeney is biting her tongue right now.

So then, along with Danny Cahill and the rest, Courtney Crozier joins the Hall of Weight Cyclers.

And in the Ambassadors section, we also get a glimpse of exactly why it’s virtually impossible to maintain Biggest Loser weight loss from none other than Gina, who explains that she has to work out 1.5 to 2 hours per day and eat 1,500 calories per day. And this is if she only gets 7.5 hours of sleep per night.

Now, if she loves this lifestyle and sticks with it until the day she days, good for her. But most contestants seem to struggle to maintain such a rigorous lifestyle and schedule for many years. The ones who seem to do best are the same ones who make their living off staying thin. All of this makes me wonder what exactly the children of Biggest Loser are up against. Are they being compensated to stay thin or are they on their own? And will it matter in two, three, four years from now?

Royal Coronation

Here it is, the moment I’ve been waiting for.

THE END

And there  they were, the final three contestants, all Spanxed up and ready to weigh.

I can only imagine the space-age girdles at work here.

Which reminds me, there’s an animated gif I completely forgot to post. I don’t recall what part of the show this comes from, but it’s kind of bizarre. Jeff looks like a deflating balloon, I swear. And it all takes place before a fluttering American flag.

Click to see the Amazing Deflating Jeff!

God bless ‘Mercuh.

Sweeney gets us back on track for a tight few minutes. “First up, the man who won your vote, America. Now let’s see if he can win the grand prize. Let’s get Jackson up on the scale.”

Jackson gets on the scale and it beeps 9 times to build the sufficient amount of tension. He began at 328 pounds and when the scale finally stops, it hits 190 pounds, for a loss of 138 pounds, or 42.07%. Jackson’s happy.

“I’m happy!”

“That’s awesome,” Jackson laughs. “Are you kidding me?”

“Jackson, we have more weigh-ins to do, so you come stand here with me,” Sweeney says, her back against the clock. “We’re going to watch Jeff next, we’re going to get him on the scale. At our very first weigh-in, Jeff lost more than anyone else on campus. Let’s see if he can finish that way. Jeff, step on the scale.” Yeah, Jeff, let’s get you up there so we can determine your worth as a human being!

Jeff has to lose more than 163 pounds to beat Jackson. Jeff gets 11 beeps worth of tension before we finally see that he has gone from 388 to 207 for a total of 181 pounds, or 46.65%.  Jeff takes the lead. Jeff is now happier than Jackson.

“I am happier!”

Brief hooray before Sweeney pushes on with her preloaded quip. “After months of blood, sweat and Jackson throwing up all over the place, we have just one player left to weigh in.” Ha ha ha! Puking is fun. “We will crown our winner right after this.” That’s right, Sweeney. Squeeze every last penny out of ‘em!

Before we cut to commercial, we finally get to see Sweeney’s mullet in all it’s glory.

Jillian’s dreamboat.

And I am still absolutely gobsmacked that they let her go on stage with that hair. Seriously, she looks like Mrs. Billy Ray Cyrus.

I shore do.

Was it some kind of sitcomesque snafu where they took the Hair-O-Matic^® off her head just two minutes before she was set to go on? Was Jillian all like, “I’ve always pictured you as business up front/party in back”? What is happening?

After commercial break, Sweeney says, “Well, it all comes down to this. All that training. All that sacrifice.” All that puke? Don’t you want to get one more puke joke in, Sweeney? “It is down to Jeff and Danni.” A battle to the death.

“Danni, I’m looking at you up on that scale, standing there next to Jeff.” Your mullet flapping in the studio breeze. “I mean, 46.65 is tall order.” Not as tall as your hair, but still… “I know you laid it all out there.” Hair! “How are you feeling as you stand on that scale?” Top heavy?

The goal was to make Danni’s head taller than the 8.

“I am just trying to make sure I don’t trip and then I feel amazing,” Danni says with a grin. “I know that no one can take this away from me and that’s how I feel. I feel great. And that’s a tall order, but I worked so hard and at the end of the day, look at me.” Oh, I’m lookin’, but not at the area you want me to be lookin’. I literally cannot stop focusing on her hair. For me, Danni’s hair is the biggest loser we’ve been waiting for.

“And from where I’m standing, you both have already won.” But the rest of you are pathetic. “You both look incredible.” The others? Meh. “I can see this is anyone’s game.” Can you, Sweeney? Can you really? “This is so, so close.” Allison Sweeney: NBC’s Chief Carnival Weight Guesser. “We need to get you on that scale one last time Danni.” Well, America does, but Sweeney doesn’t.

At the age of 11, Allison Sweeney discovered she had the ability to guess the precise mass of all living creatures (no inanimate objects). She was a natural replacement for Biggest Loser‘s first host, Caroline Rhea, who, at the age of 8 discovered she had the ability to actually like fat people.

Another little known fact? Allison Sweeney does all the math in her head live on the show. They call her the Human Abacus.

Danni has lose 120 pounds to beat Jeff. Can she do it?

I… really gave up caring a long time ago, honestly. I could tell that she was the editor’s favorite a long, loooooooooong time ago and figured something was going on. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if someday we learn that one or two of the weigh-ins were actually rigged. I’m not accusing NBC or anyone of actually doing this, I’m just saying that if that news ever came out, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least.

To adequately build the tension for this moment, the weigh-in to end all weigh-ins, Danni gets a full 18 beeps’ worth of tension. Starting at 258, the scale finally, finally, FINALLY stops at 137 for a total loss of 121 pounds, or 46.9%. Danni is so happy that (in the hands of a skilled gif editor) she explodes.

Click to see Danni explode.

Oh, and now the real moment to end all moments:

It’s the great, big, meaty hug that Jillian’s dreamed of.

With the final fluttering confetti, Sweeney wishes us well. “Until next time, I hope you stay happy and healthy.” And by “healthy” she means skinny and bemulletted.

And just like that, it ends. Suddenly, Sweeney’s behavior made sense. They barely had time to weigh Danni at all, let alone give her fans time to bask in the moment. One fan’s blog I read (but am not going to link to because I don’t want people to troll her because she likes the show) said, “I just wished they didn’t end the show so abruptly — maybe let Danni or the trainers talk for a minute? It’s just confetti. The End.”

Yes, after 11 weeks of hard work building up to this one, special moment and it’s wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Roll credits.

And what should pop up before the credits, but this:

NBC reserves the right to rename any of the contestants at any time.
Any children resulting from carnal relations between
two former contestants becomes the property of Biggest Loser.

You may recall that earlier in the show Jillian Michaels had her spastic traffic cop moment after Danni comes out and says she wants to give her a hug. “Not yet,” Jillian says . “Wait, I have this moment. I’ve been picturing it. You wait. I’ve been picturing this moment for months now and I’m not ready yet. It’s gonna be when the confetti comes down no matter what and you promise I’m the first hug.”

Jillian clearly knew that Danni was going to win in advance and she had pictured her hugging Danni after her glorious victory and the confetti shower and the camera capturing this very, very dramatic moment. There wasn’t any “no matter what.” There was a scripted moment planned in advance that Danni wasn’t quite aware of, but Jillian certainly was. And Danni nearly ruined Jillian’s perfect ending with her eagerness.

To be honest, I don’t think the contestants know the results of the weigh-ins, because otherwise their reactions would be more canned. But the producers obviously know because if they didn’t then they could accidentally front-load all  the biggest losers in the first round, and there’s no tension building in that.

So the producers know and, more likely than not, so do the trainers. I would bet dollars to donuts, and you know how much fatties love donuts.

I think this disclaimer sums up The Biggest Loser nicely: total control (bonus points to all the MSTies who read that like Bob Evil from “Time Chasers”).

Nothing is left to chance in this show, including the injuries sustained by the contestants. There are at least two instances (David and Gina) this season where a contestant suffered an early injury that was essentially ignored and it led to a more serious injury.

There is nothing real about the “reality” of The Biggest Loser. First and foremost, it is a game show, but at its core it is both a rudimentary, uncontrolled lab experiment and an untested social experiment in promoting unrealistic expectations for weight loss.

The biggest problem is that we, as the society experiment upon, don’t have access to the results of this decade-long lab experiment in making people lose between 35%-50% of their body weight in a relatively short period of time. I was able to find some long-term evidence of TBL’s failure with a little effort, but more information is needed. There are 200+ contestants in TBL’s history. Ideally, we would know where all of them are today. Odds are, most have regained some, if not all, of the weight they lost.

Yet, here we are pushing this same restrictive, unsustainable program onto three still-developing children.

And odds are that season 15 will feature three more kids, if not more.

Is this what we, as a society, really want?

Sadly, there is a sizable audience renders that question nearly moot.

Smoking the Competition

And now, the moment we’ve been waiting for.

The End.

The end of season 14 and, we can only hope, The Biggest Loser franchise. It’s unlikely at the moment, but I have hope that before too long people will realize what a thoroughly toxic and unhealthy show this is. This is particularly true for children, whether they’re on the show to lose 30% of their body weight or not.

This game show only works if the public remains ignorant of the truth behind it all. What they need the public to believe is that through a healthy, balanced diet and a lot of hard work, any fat person can get thin and (presumably) stay thin. They’ve employed 10 “ambassadors” whose job is, presumably, to stay thin. And even then, two of them have begun regaining the weight.

But that’s the reality they are able to control. Then there’s the reality they can’t afford to control indefinitely. The former contestants who regain the weight and remind society that eating 1,200 calories a day and exercising 46 hours per week is not healthy in any sense of the word. As this season has repeatedly shown, The Biggest Loser formula leads to vomiting, injuries, frustrating results and, ultimately, after the cameras stop recording, the weight regained.

Health does not require anyone to lose 40%-50% of their body weight. People do manage to lose that much and keep it off for one, two, three, four years, but not very many. Just 4.4% of people who had ever been overweight or obese have lost more than 20% of their body weight. If you watched the second part of the much-touted Weight of the Nation, you’ll hear one of the premiere weight loss experts, Dr. Sam Klein, extol the virtues of losing just 7% of your body weight.

The Biggest Loser is gross misinformation that misleads millions into  believing what in something that is neither broadly possible or even necessary. This is why people attempt all kinds of drastic and unsustainable lifestyle changes in the pursuit of Biggest Loser-sized results and only find what millions of dieters who came before have found: weight loss diets don’t work long-term. But what few dieters ever come to realize is that being healthy does not result in huge amounts of weight loss.

And the three greatest obstacles to educating the public on realistic health advice are the trainers from this season’s Biggest Loser.

Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels have made a career out of humiliating and degrading fat people on television, as well as hocking their books, videos and diet plans, as well as a really disturbing quantity of diet pills and supplements. At least Dolvett Quince isn’t exploiting his role on Biggest Loser with diet pills yet.

And although Dolvett Quince does have a tendency to scream at and vaguely intimidate contestants, when such motivation is “called for,” the fact is that Dolvett doesn’t seem to have the unbridled disgust for the contestants that the others clearly have. Rather than humiliate contestants until they’re in tears, Dolvett prefers to coin inane platitudes like…

Just in case, I thought I’d help Dolvett out by adding context to his quote.

So it’s no surprise that in my final tally, Dolvett was only selected as Biggest Dickweed after one episode, week 3, when he ignored Cate’s complaints of the shin splints she was experiencing and, instead, blamed it on some kind of psychological issue. This was one of the earliest Biggest Loser Moments (BLMs). As I first explained in episode 5:

BLMs give the trainers (particularly Jillian) a chance to pretend they actually care about the people they’re running into the ground. It starts out critical, they ask for the ultimate meaning behind their behavior. Tinkly music as the trainer softens their attention, until the problem has been identified and/or resolved. Then there’s a hug and onward and upward.

Cate was screaming in pain due to shin pain, which was most likely caused by “increasing training too quickly.” Dolvett’s response? He tells her that the problem is ”what’s going on inside there and inside there” gesturing to her head and heart, unable to uncross his arms.

Click to see Dolvett being too cool for school.

“My job isn’t to help Cate lose weight on that scale, my job is to help her lose weight in how she perceives herself.” During the BLM, Cate tells Dolvett that every “Fat Tuesday” after meeting with her trainer she would go to McDonald’s and eat a bunch of junk food, and she sobbingly tells him that she’s wasting her trainer’s time. “Cate, you’re not wasting her time,” Dolvett reassures her. “You’re wasting your time. And you’re wasting your life.” And he hates you.

So, yeah, Dolvett has the capacity to be a dickweed for sure, but he earned one vote along with Allison Sweeney, Tim Gunn, and everyone involved in the production of The Biggest Loser.

On the other hand, Bob Harper is one of the most condescending, self-absorbed piss-ants on television today.

He also fancies himself quite the Beau Brummell, while simultaneously being President of the Hooray for Flannel Club. And now, thanks to his unique style and popularity on Biggest Loser, I’m proud to formally announce Bob Harper’s new fashion line for men.

Bob’s roll on the show is to be the hardass with a heart of gold. He’s absolutely brutal in what he expects of his contestants, and will say some pretty nasty shit to get the results he expects. For instance, when Alex had yet another disappointing week and said she felt like giving up, Bob told her, “You are 24 years old. You stood on that scale day one saying that you were disgusting and that you don’t want to feel this way any more. Are you going to let this place defeat you?”

Bob says shit like this a lot. Bob is not afraid to twist the knife, or to exploit his guru role to sell you whatever shit he can. I will have to return to Bob  Harper at a future date, but suffice it to say that he is a snake oil salesman at his heart. And like Dolvett, he too offers bizarre words of advice to the contestants.

Of course, given Bob’s sponsorships, I thought a bit more context might be helpful.

But in the end, not even Bob Harper could snatch the title of Biggest Dickweed from his prime rival, Jillian Michaels. Including the grand finale, when Jillian turned down Danni’s hug in favor of a more dramatic moment (which nearly didn’t happen), it was just the icing on the dickweed cake. In a final score of 3 to 5, Jillian Michaels is clearly the Biggest Dickweed.

She’s mean, she’s spiteful, she’s irrational, she’s sadistic, she’s phony, she’s conniving, she’s indifferent, she’s crude, she’s crass, and she spent the first four or five episodes driving one contestant after another off the ranch by being the biggest, most deliberate, most hateful dickweed she could possibly be. For me, the one gif that sums up Jillian’s role on the show is this from the first episode:

Jillian watches as Nate falls again and again.

There’s no concern on her face. Never does she take a step forward to see if they’re okay. She knows that at a certain speed, someone’s going to fall, and she makes sure they hit that speed until, sure enough, they fall. There’s no surprise on her face because it is purely intentional. Jillian Michaels wants somebody to fall, wants somebody to fail, wants somebody to humiliate themselves on national television.

Of all the people connected with this show (all of whom are a very special kind of terrible), Jillian Michaels is the one person who I feel is doing this entirely for the opportunity to humiliate and degrade fat people. Anything else she says or does is secondary to the way she behaves on this show, episode after episode after episode.

Like an overgrown toddler, she stamps around the gym throwing tantrums at whoever is unfortunate enough to cross her path. Twice this season (here and here) Bob has given Jillian a look of complete astonishment at her behavior. When your own skeezy, douchey partner-in-crime is giving you the stink-eye, you might have crossed into an alternate reality entirely.

Jillian Michaels is a terrible, terrible human being. Everything she touches turns to tears and suffering with just a brief moment of glory as the confetti falls. But the further you get from that moment, either in the past or the future, the closer you get to seeing the path of destruction that Jillian Michaels leaves in her wake.

My only hope is that America soon falls out of love with this emotionally-stunted hatesack who wouldn’t know health if it kicked her in the teeth.

And so it is on my 34th birthday at 11:46 p.m. that I am finally able to conclude for the first, and only, time that Jillian Michaels is the Biggest Dickweed.

Be sure to congratulate her.

If you think this is wrong, sign the petition to stop Biggest Loser and join our boycott.

Previous recaps

• Prequel — Paging Dr. Dolgoff
• Episode 1 — The Biggest Dickweed
• Episode 2 — Reclaiming Worth
• Episode 3 — Crossfire Hurricane
• Episode 4 — Cognitive Dissonance
• Episode 5 — Abracadabra
• Episode 6 — Mystery Tramp
• Episode 7 — Valentine’s Day Massacre
• Episode 8 — Queen Bee
• Episode 9 — Fear and Loathing
• Episode 10 — Half Baked
• Episode 11, Part 1 — Fresh Puke
• Episode 11, Part 2  — Desperate Times
• Episode 12, Part 1 — The Final Countdown
• Episode 12, Part 2 — Meat Market

With The Biggest Dickweed behind us, I can now allow my mind to wander to other subjects, which I have missed very much.

Today, I found myself thinking about schadenfreude, which led me to reading the Wikipedia page.

Spelling and etymology

The corresponding German adjective is schadenfroh. The word derives from Schaden (damage, harm) and Freude (joy). Schaden derives from the Middle High German schade, from the Old High German scado, and is a cognate with English scathe. Freude comes from the Middle High German freude, from the Old High German frewida, and is a cognate with the (usually archaic) English word frith. A distinction exists between “secret schadenfreude” (a private feeling) and “open schadenfreude” (Hohn, a German word that roughly translates to scorn — outright public derision).

Let’s face it: sometimes schadenfreude feels good.

Especially when it’s someone who has done something quite heinous. I realize there’s the whole “innocent until proven guilty” thing, but George Zimmerman is guilty in my mind. There’s no doubt that he was there with a gun and the gun went off killing Trayvon Martin. Those facts are not in dispute. The question, it seems, is whether Martin attacked Zimmerman first. But as far as I’m concerned, Martin had the right to defend himself from some random asshole playing vigilante. Just to be clear, I don’t really want to get into a debate about the case. If you think he’s innocent, great, but I think he’s responsible for the death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin.

And there are a lot of people who agree with me and who would love to see something terrible happen to George Zimmerman, if only to be found guilty and punished accordingly (personally, I’m against the death penalty). For many, it may be enough that Zimmerman got fat.

According to his defense attorney, Zimmerman “spends all day thinking about the second-degree murder case against him and has gained 105 pounds.”

So the jokes are flying, including one comparing him to Chaz Bono. If you have the stomach for it, I made a Storify of the Twitter search “George Zimmerman fat.” A cursory glance will show you the delight people have at seeing a fat Zimmerman, whether they’re saying that a heart attack is too good for him or to lay off the “prison Twinkies” (even though he hasn’t been in prison this whole time). There’s even a few who have said that Zimmerman’s weight is a losing “strategy”:

George Zimmerman’s strategy is wrong: this country is less sympathetic to disgustingly fat people

I responded:

Yeah, they should be less sympathetic to disgustlingly stupid people. I know where they can start.

Yeah, I do get it. In our culture, being fat is the worst thing you can be and now George Zimmerman has gained 105(!!!) pounds because he’s so depressed or stressed or remorseful or whatever the attorney is implying. Next to the dreaded obesity, I can’t really think of anything short of physical harm or financial ruin that could satisfy the schadenfreude people crave in lieu of swift justice.

But Zimmerman’s weight gain wasn’t exactly a surprised. This is his mugshot from 2005.

So he hasn’t always been as thin as he was when he shot Trayvon Martin. He obviously lost weight and — surprise surprise — in a stressful situation when he’s probably in self-imposed exile, he regained that weight. I doubt there was a real “strategy” to Zimmerman’s weight gain.

But whatever the reason, it’s jaw-dropping how vicious the attacks are against Zimmerman’s weight, but it’s not surprising because it’s just that easy. Anyone with an internet connection can access hundreds of stories of the various celebrities whose weights go up and down more predictably than the New York Stock Exchange.

But that must be what people want to see from tabloids, online and in the checkout line, because if a celebrity gets fat or thin, we’re going to see it. People love to gossip about who got thin and who got fat, and if it’s someone we love losing weight and someone we hate getting fat, all the better.

Which is why it’s no surprise whatsoever that Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy weight has become such an obsession with the media. Is there anyone out there who honestly has a positive feeling about the Kardashian family? I realize there are a whole lot of people (myself included) who just couldn’t give two shits about the Kardashians. Then there are a whole lot of other people who seem genuinely offended that she’s a “celebrity.”

Their hostility mostly stems from the fact that her profile rose to infamy after her sex tape was released in 2007, which led to a series of reality shows. Other than that, her only claim to fame is that she’s the daughter of Robert and Kris Kardashian (as a crime and punishment sidenote, Robert came out of retirement to be an assistant member of OJ Simpson’s legal team). They divorced, and Kris later married former gold-winning Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner. Kardashian became friends with Paris Hilton, who introduced her to the “socialite scene” (according to Wikipedia).

So, Kim’s image is that of a spoiled, little rich girl who gets an explicable amount of press coverage for God knows what, including past hyperventilating coverage of her weight gain and ecstatic revelations of her weight loss. Gawker even suggested that the whole thing is a scam to hock diet pills.

Now that Kim is pregnant the press is having a field day with her weight gain, including this hilarious cover:

Here’s an excerpt from the article that I just made up:

“It’s like I try to not eat for days on end until I collapse,” Kardashian said. “Then I wake up in a hospital with an IV in my arm and I’m all like, ‘HEY! I’m trying to stop eating here!’”

And this is just one of the 11 tabloid covers I’ve found using my GoogleFu: